The promise of a six week old who sleeps through the night is what keeps some mothers going in those early days.
Shame it’s such a scam. Some babies just won’t sleep. Ever. No matter what the ‘experts’ say.
You know who’s an expert in sleep? Any parent whose kid doesn’t sleep. I haven’t slept in six years so I promise I know FAR more about getting a child to sleep than a parent whose kid has been sleeping through from day one. Those people know nothing about sleep.
I mean, I’m happy for them and their smug sleeping babies. But it’s nothing they did. You can’t teach six week olds anything other than poking out their tongues. They aren’t picking up on a ‘relaxed vibe’. They’re not ‘syncing’ with their parents’ routine. They can’t tell time. They just like sleeping.
But me? I know it all. I’ve read the entire internet back catalogue on sleep.
My son was a sleep-hater from the start. He’d wake eight or nine times a night until I was ready to stab my husband (not my child—he was just a baby—but I needed to take my rage out on someone). We went to sleep school and after four nights the nurses just clucked, ‘Oh, he’s just a little mystery, isn’t he?’
We hired a sleep consultant who taught us a roll-and-pat technique, which worked for a few days until the baby figured us out and any attempt to roll him on his side would result in wild kicking and screaming.
Then one day, when he was about thirteen months old, he slept. And then he did it again. And again, and again, and again. To this day I have no idea what happened. He just decided to give sleep a go. (He no longer sleeps through, btw. But that’s a story for another day.)
And then I had my daughter and she slept. Well kiss my self-satisfied arse: I’D WON. I’d figured it out. SO MUCH SKILL. Then, at around twelve months, she forgot. Not sleeping anymore, thanks for coming. Every expert I spoke to couldn’t figure it out because she did the one thing they all bang on about: she put herself to sleep. She self-settled. THE HOLY GRAIL. Everything is about getting them to put themselves to sleep, right? But no one could tell me how to get her to STAY ASLEEP.
But I tried not to panic because in my time, I’ve learnt two things: it’s not me, and it’ll pass. I could tie myself in knots about all the things I’ve done wrong or I could just wait it out.
Of course, that also means enduring the advice. SO MUCH ADVICE.
I had one new mum tell me the secret to having a sleeper was all down to a good diet. Her kid was six months old and had just started solids. What kind of diet was that kid on? I mean, I started my kids on crack and Coca-Cola. Was that wrong?
People, hear me when I say this: THERE’S NO SECRET. THERE’S NO MAGIC ANSWER. It sucks, and it doesn’t help you, but if you’re losing your mind tonight just know that you’re not alone and it’s not your fault.
Every kid is different. They’ll sleep when they sleep.