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The harshest critics

It doesn’t help when babies are as judgemental as they are demanding. They don’t even need to talk to let you know just how disappointing you are. Through a series of screams, slaps, filthy looks and complete indifference, you know exactly what they’re saying.

BABY	Sing me a song.
ME	You are my sunshine, my only …
BABY	STOP. Don’t you mothers know any other songs?
ME	Twinkle, twinkle …
BABY	DON’T YOU DARE. Sing me a real song.
ME	It was a clear black night …
BABY	I swear to god, if you sing ‘Regulate’ one more time …
ME	What’s wrong with ‘Regulate’?
BABY	You’re impressing no one with the fact you know all the words. It just makes you old and I am embarrassed for you. Sing something more current.
ME	I came in like a wrecking ball …
BABY	I can’t even look at you.
ME	Let’s do something else. Let’s sit on the floor and play with toys.
BABY	Yes! Give me all the toys!
ME	Here’s a plastic ring with fake keys!
BABY	MORE!
ME	Here’s a plastic monkey!
BABY	MOOOORE!
ME	Here’s a rattle thingy!
BABY	WHY DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND? GIVE IT ALL TO ME!
ME	Maybe if you stopped throwing them at me you could build your collection.
BABY	Stop giving me useless advice and give me more toys.
ME	I’ve given you all the toys.
BABY	I refuse to believe you.
ME	I literally have no more toys to give you.
BABY	You lie through your teeth. I need all my brother’s toys.
ME	Well, they are his toys and you are too little.
BABY	Right, so the gender division starts early with you, does it? Already placing limits on me? How do you know I won’t absolutely kill it with his Hot Wheels?
ME	Please don’t do this.
BABY	Something is very wrong with you. Please leave.
ME	I love you?
BABY	I SAID GOOD DAY.

It could be just me, but I think angry babies are hilarious. The pent-up rage is palpable. How can someone so small have so much fury? Why so irate, little one? Because I tried to give you a toy you didn’t want?

Hot tip: they don’t often like it when you laugh at their anger. Which kind of makes it funnier. It’s a vicious, hilarious circle.

The best part is, they get over their rage as quickly as it hits. They have no commitment to their anger whatsoever. Point at a picture of a dog and they’ll go from hissing to giggling in two seconds flat. If only adults were so easily pleased.