There’s a reason women can’t have children in their old age: mums need to be fit. Motherhood is a surprisingly physical job. Men can have babies well into their eighties and nineties because back in the cavemen days, blokes didn’t do any of the raising of children. All they needed to do was the fertilising. It’s the women who needed to do everything else.
You can’t half-arse this job. It’s Aerobics Mum Style from day one. Here’s the timetable.
My children now share a room and they cannot fall asleep without me touching them. I don’t have to rock or pat anymore but I must be touching their bodies. Their beds are on opposite sides of the room. So that’s fun.
You’ll also get a work-out in the car, trying to reach dropped toys from the driver’s seat. There are also the many hours you have to sit on the floor to play with stupid trains, and the dance classes that require you to get involved and touch your toes like the two year olds next to you.
You’ll perform contortions trying to put your sleeping baby down in her cot without waking her. You’ll also be familiar with the ninja drop-and-roll, accompanied by the commando crawl. Once you reach a higher level in your core strength you’ll find you can almost defy gravity as you attempt to leave your child’s room without making a sound.
Women carry bags with purses and phones in them. Mums carry a portable nursery wherever they go. You could set up a campsite with the gear you now carry. You might only have two children but you seem to have 26 litres of water, 8 apples and 17 books in your bag at any given moment. Frequently you will be lugging 72 bags as well as multiple children in your arms.
This is the reason you are shrinking, btw. Your bones are compressing from the sheer weight of the garbage you carry every day.
Every afternoon at 4 p.m. you will commence a three-hour nonstop HIIT circuit. You will not take a break until your children are in bed. It will involve: lifting children, running after children, picking up after children, washing children and—the most intense station of all—putting pyjamas on children. It’s a punish.
You will spend hours trying to sit down. Every time you think this is finally it, and your bum hits the seat, BAM. He needs a drink, or a snack. She falls and hurts herself. He decides he wants a completely different activity. She does a poo. He starts to dismantle your house. You’ll realise you should probably hang out that washing … it never ends. You’re on your feet all day long.
The greatest tragedy is that despite all of this cardio and weight training, you don’t seem to lose any weight or build any muscle. Surely you should have killer biceps by now?