Babyhood is often when you begin to fully realise just how hard motherhood is. It’s not your child, mind you. You love your child with all your heart. But it is possible (and normal) to love your child with a fierceness that scares you, while also resenting some aspects of motherhood.
There’s the shame of being dismissed as ‘just a mum’, even though you’re highly qualified in your chosen career—from the moment you become a mother, you are no longer ‘Amanda, CEO’, you’re ‘Amanda, mother of one’. There’s the injustice of being sidelined in your job, even though you’re far more efficient than anyone in your team. You’ve heard the praise heaped on men for doing the bare minimum as fathers, even though the lioness’s share of the work falls to you. You finally see all the ways society judges women, no matter what decisions they make, because being a mum is often a lose–lose situation.
Take your children out and you’re annoying everyone. Keep them home and you’re starving them of life experience. If you formula-feed, you’re poisoning your child. If you breastfeed, you should do it far, far away where no one has to see it happen, and you definitely should be stopping by that child’s first birthday otherwise you’re a sicko. If you discipline your child, you’re evil. If you don’t, you’re spoiling them. Literally anything you do, someone will have an issue with it.
They will tell you that you always need to put your children first. You need to value their happiness above your own. You need to sacrifice all the things that make you YOU, or you’re selfish. You shouldn’t even want to wear make-up or get your hair done. Why would you? That would take time away from your child. You need to cherish every moment of hardship, sacrifice and martyrdom.
If you show a hint of unhappiness, regret, bitterness, frustration, annoyance or selfishness, you are a bad mother.
Well, welcome to the bad mum club, sister. It’s not overly exclusive here. It’s basically an open-door policy because literally every single person to ever raise a child is here too.
There are a couple of things that’ll really get the judgement pumping:
Mothers who go back to work are neglecting their children. Why have kids if you’re just going to hand them to someone else to raise? It’s selfish to put your own needs first.
Mothers who stay at home have given up their brains to sit and play with fingerpaints and watch TV. They’re not contributing anything to society so there’s no need to engage them in conversation.
Mothers who go back part-time can’t be taken seriously in the workplace because they’re only half-willing to commit to their careers but they’re also handing their kids over to strangers some of the time, so WHAT A PIECE OF WORK SHE IS.
These attitudes are everywhere and the injustice will make you boil.
Let’s be clear:
If you’re working because you HAVE to and you’d prefer not to starve your children, or live on the streets, good on you. You are providing. You’ve made the right decision for your family.
If you’re working because you LIKE work and you ENJOY feeling productive, good on you. You’re allowed to live your life while also being a mum. You’re setting a great example for your kids. You’ve made the right decision for your family.
If you’re staying at home because that’s what works best for your family, good on you. You’ve made sacrifices, and being at home with young kids is a seriously tough and draining job. You’ve made the right decision for your family.
If you’re studying or working part-time or working from home or volunteering or trying to fit eighteen different casual jobs in around three different types of care for your kids, good on you. YOU’VE MADE THE RIGHT DECISION FOR YOUR FAMILY.
Trying to achieve ANYTHING while raising kids takes effort, organisation, sacrifice, hard work and plenty of love.
NO ONE has it easy. NO ONE has everything just the way they want it. EVERYONE sacrifices in one area or another and NO ONE feels like they’re giving enough to every area of their life.
And, it has to be said, handing your child to a stranger to look after is one of the hardest things a mother does. You thought you’d skip off with a smile on your face but now you’re sitting in the car park, crying your eyes out and craning your neck to see if you can catch a glimpse of your baby who is probably being neglected by those total strangers you just dumped him with. What were you thinking? That you could just discard your child and go and have a career like the selfish wildebeest you are? You need to march back in there and snatch your baby up before they corrupt him with their wanton carelessness.
All this time you thought you’d enjoy being away from this child who has worn you down with his need, and now that day is here, you’ve realised he’s a part of you and you don’t even know how to function without him next to you.
Women who devote every spare minute to their children are looked at with suspicion and whispers of brain damage—but women who dare to carve out a few minutes away from their children? Selfish, ungrateful beasts.
Motherhood is, allegedly, an exercise in martyrdom. Wanting some time to yourself is viewed as the ultimate betrayal of your children. Doing something that only benefits yourself is a clear indication you do not love your child.
The elusive ‘me-time’ becomes something women talk about in hushed tones like they’re talking about cocaine and not just a cup of tea in the backyard with a Kmart catalogue.
People, hear me: everyone enjoys spending time away from their children. If they say they don’t, they’re lying or they’re emotionally unhinged. You’ve got to miss your kids now and then. It’s human to want to be free of responsibility occasionally. You can have a few hours apart without permanently damaging your baby’s psyche.
The great injustice is, even if you do manage to spend some time away from your kids, it won’t be the same as it was before, because a part of you will always be pulling you back to them. Time away will always be tainted with worries about how they’re coping without you, and, most annoying of all, you’ll just miss their cute little heads.
The only way to be a real winner in your new life as a mum is to not give a dirty sheet what anyone else thinks about you and how you choose to live your life. You do you, boo.