If you make the mistake of saying, out loud, anything that suggests you’re struggling with your baby, you’ll be met with feverish grins, spewing unsolicited advice that always starts with, ‘Have you tried … ?’ in a way that suggests you couldn’t possibly have tried the most basic of suggestions because you’re clearly a moron.
‘My baby refuses to take the bottle.’
‘Have you tried using a different type of bottle?’
‘Why no, Julia, I didn’t think of that at all! I’ve been forcing the same teat in his mouth for weeks hoping he’d suddenly learn to love it. I haven’t spent $600 on every bottle on the market at all!’
‘My child refuses to eat anything green.’
‘Have you tried telling him that you won’t be making anything else for him? I find you need to be really strict and not offer other foods because they can be so manipulative.’
‘Excellent advice, Becca. Thanks so much! I mean, my child is seven months old and doesn’t understand where I go when he can’t see me but I’m sure he’ll be able to understand the concept of starving if he doesn’t eat what I’ve made for him right now.’
‘My baby struggles to fall asleep unless I’m holding him.’
‘Have you tried patting / shushing / singing / humming / white noise / interpretive dance / just walking out?’
‘Yeah, yeah, Jennifer, I have. I have tried all of those things, because I also have access to Google and I can read. But thanks for making me feel like I must know absolutely nothing.’
Of course we know people mostly mean well, but we also know that if they had any sort of confidence in our skills, they wouldn’t offer up such basic suggestions, because surely they’d know we’ve tried everything? Absolutely everything.