Nothing can prepare you for the fear, panic and desperation you will feel when your child is sick. Calling an ambulance or racing to the emergency room is a mixture of sheer terror and unwavering focus. You have a job and that’s getting your child well—and nothing will stop you.
One of the hardest things you’ll ever do is hand your child to someone else for help. There’s no question you’ll do it; you’d ask your mortal enemy for help if it would protect your child. But handing them over means you’re trusting someone else to love and care for them like you would. That’s a big gamble to take. Letting go of control means having faith—too much faith to ask of any mother.
Watching your child struggle to breathe or wailing in pain, or seeing them groggy and lethargic, you’re reminded that this child of yours isn’t a guarantee. This big beautiful love, the bright future you’ve planned, the person you want them to be … none of that is certain. Every day of your life is about trying to get to that future but when they’re sick, you’re reminded that no one can promise they’ll be there.
You finally realise how much you would sacrifice for your child. You would take their place in a heartbeat, you’d take on all the pain without question, you’d climb up on that bed and lay down your life.
But then again, the thought of you dying can be just as terrifying.
My baby,
Sometimes I hold you long after you’ve fallen asleep, cradling your little body next to mine, your head snuggled into my neck, your cheek resting on my chest.
And I squeeze you.
I squeeze you to bursting and press your heart into mine so my love might burn into your skin like a tattoo. So that if I ever die, you will remember what my love feels like. So, when you’ve forgotten the sound of my laugh or the curve of my smile or the smell of my skin, you might remember what it felt like to be loved by me.
I squeeze you and whisper, ’remember me’ because I’m so afraid of leaving you. And I tell you I love you because there are no bigger words to describe it even though it feels so much greater than plain old love.
You don’t know what I’m doing and if you were awake you’d just push me away and run off to play. But I want you to know that I do this. I want you to know how much you mean to my life and how completely you’ve stolen my heart. I want you to know that if I ever left, I would be right there, inside your heart, because you’re not just some person I love—you are a part of my soul. I could never fully leave you behind.
I can’t bear to think about not being there to hold you when you cry or to explain where I’ve gone. The thought of you calling for me at night rips at my heart. I never want you to feel that pain. In a perfect world, I will always be by your side so you’ll never need to know what life is like without me cheering you on.
Darling, you are crazy and wild and so full of joy it makes my world spin off-kilter. I can’t wait to spend the rest of my life with you. I hope that’s a really, really long time.
Love Mummy xxx