Never before have parenting skills been under more scrutiny than they are today. Every photo we post on social media is analysed for clues of poor mothering, and every status update is criticised for not being more #grateful #blessed. People have no tolerance for a whingeing mother.
Hating the tantrums doesn’t make us hate our kids. Wishing our kids would just listen for one minute doesn’t make us regret our family. Praying for a moment of solitude doesn’t mean we’d ever want to go back to our life before having children.
But being able to say, ‘This sucks!’ is vital because sometimes parenting is sucky and we need to be able to say it out loud or we might implode under the pressure of being so goddamn #grateful all the time.
A new mum is flooded with images of what motherhood ‘should look like’. A scroll through Instagram will show her a variety of picture-perfect families:
• the mum of a two week old who’s just whipped up a healthy batch of cookies
• the six month old sitting in a silk suit his mother has just spent an hour ironing
• the first birthday party styled by professional party planners.
What about the mum who still can’t walk two weeks after giving birth? Or the mum who can’t get her child to sit still long enough to dress her in fancy clothes? And the family who can only afford a cake from Woolies with an old candle stuck in the top? A mum who’s not allowed to talk about the hard times is a mum who feels alone.
It can be so isolating scrolling through Facebook or Instagram and thinking, ‘I haven’t done any of this. I’m a failure.’
You’re not a failure. You’re so normal. But we don’t see ‘normal’. All we see is the small minority who are killing it—or pretending to kill it for likes.
The women behind these accounts don’t mean any harm, but they don’t realise the damage they’re causing vulnerable new mums whose lives look nothing like that perfectly styled vignette that took an hour to set up and photograph. It can make some new mums feel like losers because their lives don’t look like that and their kids don’t act like that and they can’t afford houses like that. It can lead to some really self-destructive thoughts and actions. People will spend money they don’t have trying to dress their children in bespoke linen rompers and handcrafted leather moccasins when really, kids are perfectly happy in the $3 Kmart shorts they can run around in and get dirty in, because linen rompers are uncomfortable and a bitch to keep clean.
A quick glance behind the scenes would tell you that no one’s life is perfect. Just outside the frame of that Pinterest-worthy playroom photo is a pile of plastic junk pushed into the corner. Moments before that sweet photo of a chubby toddler was taken, that kid pulled her mum’s hair as she forced that broderie dress over her head. The photo of that sleeping angel was taken during the four whole minutes he slept that day, in between bouts of screaming and wailing. But that’s not shareable content, is it?
I wish more of those picture-perfect mums could realise that while it’s lovely to be admired for your perfect life, nothing compares to the comfort of other mums when you admit you don’t love every moment of your day. Having friends and teammates to laugh and cry with will fill your heart and soul ten times more than having fans who admire you from afar. I can’t imagine how isolating it must be for someone who’s having a hard time but can’t admit it in case everyone sees it’s all a façade.
All mums need to vent now and then because that’s how we discover we’re not alone. Being told you’re perfect must be nice, but you know what feels better than a pat on the back? The embrace of support. Telling people you’re falling and feeling their arms catch you before you hit the ground.
Parenthood has some dark days but getting through it is easier when you’re able to say, ‘This sucks’, and having people around you saying, ‘Yeah, sometimes it really does.’