Technically, we call this the toddler stage because our kids start to toddle. Which is a lovely image, isn’t it? Like tiny baby penguins waddling about, being adorable and penguiny.
I really hope you get your penguin, babe. You deserve one.
I didn’t get penguins. I got rhinos. Rhinos that climbed and jumped from very unsafe heights.
Toddlers have zero sense of self-preservation. It’s like they’re actively trying to kill themselves, preferably by way of a serious head injury. It’s unsettling.
When they’re born, baby giraffes fall out of their mothers (a six-foot drop onto their heads, mind you), then hop up on their fresh widdle pins and wobble off like it was no big thing. Within an hour of taking their first gulp of air, they’re taking care of business. Most of the animal kingdom is like this: the babies pop out and off they go, conquering life like legends.
Not human babies. Somewhere in the evolutionary process, our babies just gave up on the whole ‘will to live’ thing. Like: pfft, Mum’ll sort that out for me.
Mums spend more time than you’d think arguing with small people to LIVE, GODDAMN YOU. Because carrying out the bare necessities of existence is just too hard or annoying for kids.
YOU MUST EAT OR YOU WILL DIE. Yeah-nah. Thanks anyway, Mum.
YOU MUST SLEEP OR YOU WILL DIE. Sounds serious but I’m all good, thanks.
YOU MUST GET DOWN FROM THAT GREAT HEIGHT / STOP PLAYING WITH FIRE / NOT RUN IN FRONT OF CARS OR YOU WILL DIE. Calm down, woman, and WATCH MEEEEEE!
Why do they fight us on this? Why don’t they just know how to live? Are they trying to screw with us or are they just really dumb? IT SHOULDN’T BE THIS HARD, YOU KAMIKAZE MORON CHILD.
Just breathe, eat, sleep, keep warm, don’t kill yourself. OKAY?!?!?!
Of course, any and all of your attempts to save your child’s life will result in a tantrum. Probably a long one.