There will be two scenarios, and only two.
1. They must be carried all the time. Usually at the most inconvenient times like when you’re trying to make dinner or do a poo. They will not allow any other option. or
2. They will not be carried. AT ALL. Usually at times you really want to carry them, like when you’re crossing a car park or trying to walk faster than an asthmatic snail.
Ah, remember when your tiny little wombat couldn’t even roll? Good times.
So you just pick them up and walk, right? They’re small and they don’t weigh much and you’re bigger and stronger, right?
Wrong.
If a child doesn’t want to be carried, they have many ways to avoid it, and all of them will be mortifying for you.
• They’ll run. Chasing after a toddler in public is humiliating in the extreme because it’s a visual representation of how little control you have. And no matter how hard you try, you’ll almost always whimper out a pathetic, ‘Stop, please!’—which will be completely ignored.
• They’ll scream. An ear-shattering scream that tells everyone you’re trying to abduct this poor creature. (Hot tip: people won’t stop you. Even if your child is screaming ‘Let me go, I don’t want to go with you!’, people won’t intervene because most people know toddlers are painful and they’ll assume you are the parent. Not excellent for kids actually being abducted, btw.)
• They’ll perform The Crashing Helicopter. This is a fun one in which your kid will start flinging out limbs like a helicopter that’s lost control and is heading for the trees. You’ll see parents brace themselves for injury as they dive in with their chins turned to the side so they don’t get kicked in the jaw. Again. A hand will inevitably end up in your hair and a chunk of that hair will be pulled out so when you finally grab hold of your kid and straighten up, you yourself will look like you’ve just crashed into the shrubbery.
• They’ll go boneless. This is an impressively effective technique. As you try to scoop up your little twerp, she’ll go completely limp, like a human puddle. Knees will buckle, hips will bend, shoulders will slacken and you won’t be able to get a grip on anything. A 12-kilo toddler suddenly feels about 85 kilos and you’ll need at least three arms to contain the spreading ooze of their body. You end up squatting and frantically scooping like you’ve just dropped a whole sack of onions and you’ll lose your grip on the child at least once but will probably grab them before they hit the ground a second time, because mum reflexes. But it’ll be awkward AF because no one ever said mum reflexes were graceful.
Either way, it’s probably going to end in a tantrum. Probably a loud one.