The air on their bodies as they streak out the front door, past the postman and down the driveway, while you run after them screaming ‘GET INSIDE NOW!’ …
This is what toddlers live for.
For someone who insists they simply CANNOT put that T-shirt over their head by themselves, a toddler will be surprisingly adept at removing their clothes. Their fine motor skills really come to the fore when they need to be nude. Nude is everything.
So getting UNnude is their idea of a really bad time. Putting clothes on your child, or, as I like to call it, ‘putting an octopus into a string bag’, will leave you huddled and sobbing in the corner, gazing at the heavens, asking, ‘Why have you forsaken me? Please, God, WHY?’
This is how a toddler approaches the daily battle of getting dressed:
When your mother wants to get you dressed, it’s time to evade. By all means necessary. I like your classic Run-and-Hide (in small, impossible-to-reach places). Dodge-and-Weave is another fun one.
Today I tried a simple technique known as The Roll. I lay down on my mum and dad’s bed and rolled all over it while she tried to pin me down. Lord alive, it was funny.
I added some super cute whingeing noises just to really set her teeth on edge. I think she caught me smiling once or twice though. I could see her jaw start to clench. Working. A. Treat.
I’d like to highlight this next part to any officers from children’s services who might be reading—she practically SAT ON ME to get me dressed. I’m sure this is not an approved parenting technique. If someone could get back to me on that, that’d be great.
To be fair, it was the only way I was leaving the house with pants on, but still, it was not dignified. For her or for me.
Hear me loud and clear, my friends. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO GET DRESSED AGAINST YOUR WILL. Sure, they may sit on you and forcibly shove your arms into a shirt, but you don’t have to just roll over and take it.
FIGHT.
The leg kick is especially damaging to their self-esteem. You’ve got two legs. They’ve got two hands, but they need to hold your pants with one hand, so it requires them to try to grasp two legs with the other hand. OH. MY. GOD. It’s awesome. It’s like watching cats in a boxing ring. ‘Uncoordinated’ doesn’t even begin to describe it.
Today I tried a really great one called The Buck. If you’re feeling extra energetic, just jerk your entire body like a raging bull. Olé! That’s a good ten minutes wasted.
At some point, your parents will need to take their eyes off you to get themselves dressed. This is the perfect opportunity to seek and destroy.
I will leave this one up to you. Freestyle it. You know what you’re doing here.
If you really want to make a statement, get yourself undressed.
A long and loud one.