People also have some pretty damaging opinions on how you should raise your children according to their gender.
Even in this day and age, people still think little girls should be cute and sweet. Quiet and polite. They should sit and play with dolls, with their hair neatly tied up and their faces clean.
It was shockingly early in my daughter’s life that people started making comments about how she should behave or look because she’s a girl.
Taking her out in a blue top caused confusion and disappointment, because BOY COLOUR. Not dressing her in ‘girly’ clothes seemed to genuinely upset people. The expectation that she should look a certain way, even as a baby, was strong. Before she’d even learnt who she was, she was being told that her appearance was a vital part of her.
I also started to notice how impractical girls’ clothes are. Their shorts are so much shorter than boys’ shorts. Their tops are so much skimpier. And this starts in babyhood. Why does a twelve month old need denim cut-offs that are so short her nappy hangs out the bottom? Is there a design executive looking at two identical pairs of size 1 shorts and making the decision to ‘girlify’ the girls’ shorts by making them 3 centimetres shorter than the boys’?
Why? Because baby girls need to show more thigh? Why is that cuter? Why do they even need to look cute? Can’t they just wear clothes that let them play and explore without worrying about being attractive enough to ADULTS?
Some people tell little girls to be ‘ladylike’. They say it’s not ‘pretty’ to be dirty or play with cars. They push and pull these perfect little creatures to behave in the way adults want them to behave.
Hearing other mothers tell their daughters to be quiet, to keep clean and to not ruin their hair makes me so sad to think of all the girls learning that being loud, happy, adventurous, outspoken and funny is bad. Society is so keen to shove little girls into boxes that we extinguish the spark in them before it’s even taken hold.
I always thought I was a strong woman and an ardent feminist. Then I had a daughter and the flame in my belly for women’s rights became a raging wildfire. I’m so tired of the expectations placed on girls and women to behave a certain way.
Darling girl,
I’ll never say you’re perfect. No one ever is.
There is no ‘standard’ you’ll ever need to meet to be worthy in my eyes.
I don’t want perfection. I want YOU.
I love you exactly as you are right now. I love who you’ve been and I already love who you’ll become.
You’ll never need to change anything about yourself to make me love you more.
But if you changed, I would love you still.
And if you broke, I would love all the tiny pieces of you until you stitched yourself back together again. And then I’d love your patchwork soul.
If the whole world turned against you, I would be right here, loving you exactly as you are.
I love your sass, I love your fire. I love your peace, your compassion and your kindness. I love your funny, your crazy and your weird. I love your face and your heart and your soul.
Baby girl, please hear this: you don’t have to be ‘careful’. You don’t have to be quiet or calm; you don’t have to be neat and tidy. You don’t need to be ‘pretty’ or ‘sweet’. You don’t need to be anybody’s dress-up doll or a goddamn ‘good girl’.
You are way too magical to fit inside a box.
Be WILD, my daughter. Be LOUD. Explore, have adventures, climb trees and mountains. Take risks. TAKE UP ROOM.
Say no when you want, say yes when you want. Try new things. Wear what you like, say what you think. Be proud of yourself for winning. Laugh at and learn from your failures.
SHINE. Never apologise for it. Never make yourself small for someone else.
Hold on to your wild, my darling. Keep it and use it and never let it go. The world will tell you to leave it behind as you grow but your wild is your strength and you’re going to need it.
I’m telling you this now because sometimes I might forget how to be the mother you need … because I’m not perfect either.
But I’ve never wanted to try so hard at anything in my life.
You, baby girl, were born with the fire, and I will be your oxygen.
I love you.
Love Mummy xxx