Dear mum, mum, mum, mum, mummy, muuummmyyy, muuuuuuuuuum, mummy, mum,
A day with a toddler is like walking through the most beautiful, enchanting meadow you’ve ever seen, sprinkled with daisies, showered with sunshine. As you wander through this world of unparalleled beauty, you see, out of the corner of your eye, a giant quokka on a skateboard, because why not? Toddlers never make sense. But you find yourself feeling a tiny bit anxious: this day feels too lovely to be real.
And then, without warning, you step on a landmine and lose your left leg.
Toddlers are the most delicious little people—hilarious, adorable, heart-burstingly precious and sweet. But nothing good is ever free.
You’ll love watching them learn to talk, then wish they knew how to be quiet.
You’ll be so proud of how independent they’re becoming, then explode when they insist on doing things ‘myself’.
You’ll melt with the constant cuddles and ‘I love you’s, then be blindsided by their cold-bloodedness.
You’ll be filled with joy as you witness them learning about the world around them, then wish they weren’t quite so observant with your bad habits.
You’ll marvel at how quickly they grow into real people, and you’ll be worn down, every day, with how illogical and irrational they are.
Welcome to the magical mystery ride of toddlerhood, where logic is dead and pants are optional.
With every day that passes, your child is moving away from you. The baby that barely left your side now has her own agenda, and you are just an observer and guide. Suddenly, feeding, cleaning and entertaining your child aren’t enough. Now you need to try and make sure she doesn’t become a menace to society. And she won’t make it easy on you.
Because there’s a change that comes sometime after the first birthday when a child realises you don’t have supernatural powers and you can’t actually compel them to do anything.
One day you’ll look over and see your toddler about to do something he shouldn’t. You’ll say, ‘NO’ in your very best mum voice, and your darling little babe will look you straight in the eye with a smirk that says, ‘Oh yeah? And what are you going to do about it?’—and he’ll go right ahead and do it. With a smile.
It’s a shift in power that signals the beginning of the end. The toddler years have begun. So mount up, mofo. You gave birth to this tiny psychopath—you’ve only got yourself to blame.
Toddlerhood is when you truly become a mum. If you survive this, you can survive anything. And you will survive. Probably. If your child allows it.
Love Lauren xx
PS: Yeah, you still don’t know what you’re doing. FYI.