CHAPTER 11

KEEPING THE FUN AND EXCITEMENT IN SEX

During an interview with Christian sex therapists Clifford and Joyce Penner, Neil Clark Warren asked, “What percentage of couples can attain a mutually satisfying sexual relationship?” The Penners responded, “100 percent of them. We’ve never worked with a single married couple whom we felt were incapable of attaining a high level of sexual satisfaction with each other.” They reported that one-third of couples attain this kind of mutual satisfaction quite naturally, without really having to work at it.[70] If you’re in the other two-thirds of all married couples, though, you can still reach that high level of sexual satisfaction.

Couples often ask us how to keep the fun and excitement in sex. Our answer: Stay connected. Being connected body to body and heart to heart is what makes sex fulfilling and fun. Here are fourteen ways you and your spouse can connect. Try these, then challenge yourself to come up with other fun, creative ideas.

1. Kiss deeply. Do you remember the kind of kissing you did when you first fell in love? Do you still kiss that deeply and passionately? Certainly there’s room in a marriage for the peck on the cheek or the quick kiss on the lips. But try getting back to passionate kissing. Take your time. Enjoy the touch and taste of each other’s lips. Ask your spouse how he or she would like to be kissed, then practice until you get it perfect.

2. Bask in the afterglow of sex. Savor the closeness you feel after having sex. Stay in each other’s arms. Tell your spouse how good it felt and how much you love him or her. Men, if you roll over after sex and snooze, you will miss out on the most intimate time with your wife. Hold her tenderly. Stroke her hair, and tell her you appreciate who she is.

3. Practice good hygiene. This is so simple. Before you have sex, brush your teeth and use mouthwash. Take a shower or bathe. Exploring and holding each other’s bodies is much more pleasant when you smell and taste fresh and clean.

4. Create an environment for sex. Set the mood, whether it’s candles, music, or the temperature of the room. Think of the mood as a kind of foreplay. If you have children who might enter your bedroom unannounced, put a lock on the door and use it. Keep the bedroom free of clutter and work.

5. Become a student of your spouse’s sexual zones. Don’t just guess. Ask. Take an afternoon or evening, lie next to each other, and start at your spouse’s head. Kiss, stroke, or caress each body part. Ask, “How does this feel? Does it make you tingle? What would make you feel even more tingly —if I caressed less or more?”

One episode of the sitcom Friends dealt with the different erogenous zones. Obviously, the characters were discussing sex that is not done in the context of marriage, which, of course, we don’t condone. However, the scriptwriters made an interesting point about males and females. Monica and Rachel identified seven erogenous zones. Chandler said, “You’re kidding. I thought there were four.” One of the women replied, “See, that’s your problem. You go one, two, four. You’re missing three, five, six. Oh! And toes! Seven.” Guys, your wife has more erogenous zones than just her breasts and vagina. Explore with her, and discover where she is most responsive. Although it’s good to work toward climax, remember to enjoy the journey along the way as well. It’s pretty unbelievable too.

6. Understand a wife’s definition of satisfaction. “I just don’t get it, Gary,” Doug told me one afternoon at a conference. “I do everything I can think of in bed, but Jana doesn’t always have an orgasm.”

“Does that seem to bother Jana?” I asked.

“No, not really,” he said. “She seems contented. I don’t get that either.”

“That’s because many women are still satisfied with sex, even when they don’t have an orgasm.”

Doug stared uncomprehendingly at me. “Huh?”

Husbands, if you want to satisfy your wife, you need to shift your definition of satisfaction. Of course, wives love to climax (who doesn’t?), but they can still enjoy the lovemaking experience even when they don’t reach that peak. As a matter of fact, most women are still satisfied even if they don’t have an orgasm every time they make love. Orgasm for a wife is as pleasurable as it is for a husband, just not as necessary for pleasure each time. Most women enjoy the sensuality of cuddling, kissing, and touching every bit as much as the thrill of a climax. Women’s sexual pleasure occurs on many levels other than simply orgasm alone.

Do you know what satisfies your wife? If not, ask her. If climax is important to her, make sure you work with her to achieve that goal. Remember how important foreplay is. As we’ve said before, arousal takes longer for a woman. It means you need to be patient as you focus on her needs for gentle touch, caressing, kissing, as you explore her erogenous zones.

Work out a rhythm with your wife. Is it better to bring her to orgasm first? Do you have simultaneous orgasms? Do you come to climax first and then stay with her to bring her to orgasm? The key is to “stay with your wife” during lovemaking. Even after you have ejaculated, continue to satisfy your wife. If she has not had an orgasm first, continue to stimulate her and observe her cues so that you can progress toward orgasm. Manual, direct stimulation of the clitoris outside or inside of the vagina, or oral stimulation (make sure you both agree about this) needs to remain consistent. If this becomes interrupted, the wife will lose the pacing of lovemaking and will not reach orgasm unless she is stimulated again. This doesn’t mean she isn’t satisfied, but it does mean that she probably will not physiologically experience release.

7. Understand, accept, and appreciate sexual peaks. Most men reach their sexual peak in their late teens or early twenties. Most women reach theirs a decade or more later. Often when a woman is in her thirties and forties her sexual desire becomes stronger, sometimes insatiable. And as a man ages, his emotional side grows too. Through each stage, couples grow and learn more about each other and become more patient and sensitive to each other’s needs. This is God’s blessing to us because it allows a couple a greater sense of longevity and duration. Many couples miss that, however, because they divorce, not understanding that only through the permanence of lifelong marriage can they develop true intimacy and trust.

8. Understand the different kinds of sex. So often couples feel the pressure to have “perfect” sex —complete with earthquake, fireworks, and multiple orgasms. Not every time you have sex will be a “bell ringer.” And that’s okay. But you’re both connecting. Sometimes sex will be a quickie to meet the need of the moment. Sometimes it will be functional sex, or just because sex, when you’ll need to think, I’m not in the mood, but my spouse needs me right now. Sometimes it may be comfort sex, when life has brought devastation and the only comfort and security are to be found in the arms of your spouse as a lover. You’ll be ahead when you understand that the different kinds of sex ultimately point to the ultimate reason for sex: the relationship. The goal is not whether you end with a climax. The goal is that you’re connecting as a couple.

9. But make passionate sex the main kind. Don’t rush. In our sex survey, we asked women what they hated about sex. Rushed sex ranked number five. When you have a good solid foundation and you’ve spent years growing together and discovering, then you want to have a lot of variety. But a woman who repeatedly feels unsatisfied, who feels that her husband’s pleasure always comes before hers, can feel used and empty. She wants to experience the whole spectrum of what sex covers —the physical, the emotional, the spiritual, the relational.

We aren’t saying that rushed or quickie sex is wrong. It isn’t. But sex can’t be rushed all the time. That would be like eating nothing but fast food. Going through the local fast-food drive-through for a chili dog and onion rings every once in a while isn’t wrong, but your health would suffer if you did that for every meal. Make your goal pleasurable sex that satisfies both of you.

10. Communicate what type of sex you need. If you think you’re going to have rushed sex and your spouse is expecting the long, passionate kind, both of you will probably end up frustrated. Communicate your desires and needs. Go back to the fast-food example. If you and your spouse are in the car on your way to eat and she thinks you’re going to the steak house downtown, then don’t pull into the fast-food drive-through. Clarify your expectations. Remember, women need to prepare mentally for sex. They can do that better if they know what’s ahead. If a wife knows that she is headed for quickie sex, she can mentally prepare for that, including the realization that she may not climax. Most of the time she will still enjoy it, even if she may not have the same outcome her husband has.

11. Learn your spouse’s sexual triggers. We often joke about his-and-hers sexual triggers. Usually we say that men have one sexual trigger: everything. Women are a bit more complex. But seriously, because men are more visually stimulated, a man can become aroused by seeing his wife naked, undressing, or wearing something provocative. Typically, women are not that way. So a husband needs to discover what his wife’s sexual triggers are. What arouses her? The best ways to identify your wife’s sexual triggers are by asking her and by observing her response to your lovemaking.

Here are a few categories that may help you understand your wife. Each of them is a foundation stone of connection. Your wife may be a “touch me” girl; she likes hugs and caresses. She may be a “tell me” girl; she likes verbal affirmation and verbal sexual foreplay. She may be a “listen to me and share with me” girl; she opens up after connecting with you through conversation. She may be a “doing” girl; she appreciates it when you pick up messes and help with housework. She may be a “spiritual food” girl; she becomes open to sex after connecting with you through prayer, reading Scripture, and discussing spiritual matters.

12. Keep practicing! Sex stirs the desire for more sex. Lovemaking elevates the brain chemicals associated with desire. So as we decide to have sex and find we enjoy our time of lovemaking, our libidos increase, often leading to an increased desire to have sex more often.

13. Say “Why not?” When our young grandson asks for something, I (Barb) love to respond with “Why not?” He asks, “Can I have a Popsicle?” and I respond, “Why not?” He understands the response so well that he’s begun to mimic me: “Why not, Gaga?” I love that because in a sense I am telling him that I am his greatest cheerleader. Anything he wants, I affirm.

You know what? That is really how I want to be in my marriage. Don’t you? I want to be my spouse’s cheerleader and affirmer.

What if you started to say “Why not?” to your spouse? Let’s say your husband calls you and announces, “I’ll meet you at home; we’ll enjoy some lunch —and each other.” Respond with “Why not?” Let’s say your wife e-mails you and announces, “The kids are going to be at sports practice for two hours, starting at 4:30. What if you come home early? I’ll make it worth your while.” Say “Why not?”

Give yourself permission to enjoy sex. Be open to pleasing your lover. Take on a “Why not?” attitude.

14. Help your wife answer yes to these questions every woman asks. If you can help your wife say yes to these questions, she will feel more eager to jump into your arms.

Will I feel safe and secure? Women long for security the same way men long for success. Your wife feels secure when she’s wrapped in your arms. She feels secure when you provide financially for the family. She feels safe when you forgive and accept her. She feels secure when she knows you are faithful to her.

Will I be accepted? A woman needs to know that no matter how she looks or what mistakes she makes, you will stand by her and love her. The key to accepting is forgiveness and consistent affirmation —especially right after she makes a mistake. If she embarrasses herself in front of others, she will immediately look to you for acceptance. If you are laughing along with the others, she will shrivel in pain. Any wife can pick up on her husband’s lack of approval.

Will I be appreciated? Your wife naturally wants to please you. She likes it when you are happy with her performance, insight, or advice. She longs to hear, “You did a good job,” or “You’ve worked so hard this week; I want to take you out for dinner so you don’t have to cook.” Your appreciation motivates her to continue battling those long days. Overwhelm her with appreciation, and watch her sexual desire increase.

Will I feel heard? Most likely your wife works through her emotions by talking, and she needs you to listen. Because you probably use talk to solve problems, you assume that you need to fix whatever it is she is verbally processing. Your skill at solving problems is great when your wife is looking for a logical answer to a problem, but many times she simply wants you to listen. It helps her release stress and see things more clearly. When your wife starts to talk, it’s okay to ask her, “Do you need me just to listen, or is this something you’d like me to help you solve?”

Will I feel encouraged? A woman wants to be cheered on by her husband in her desires, interests, goals, and especially her love for God. Study her life. Know what she desires, what is consuming her thoughts, what she dreams about, and what her goals are. Then encourage her at every opportunity.