CHAPTER 12

GOD IN THE BEDROOM

Some of you might be a bit shocked by the title of this chapter. God . . . in the bedroom? The thought may make you uneasy. After all, isn’t sex a private matter?

Most of us think that when we go into our bedrooms, shut the door, and have sex, God somehow closes his eyes. And if we think about the fact that he’s watching us having sex, we feel uncomfortable, as if he shouldn’t be interested in that part of our lives.

But he is. Not in some voyeuristic way, of course. But let’s remember that God created sex. It wasn’t some cosmic mistake. He masterfully planned it. We may even say it’s close to the top of his creation. Creating the stars and the planets and galaxies —sure, that’s awesome. Designing the lunar patterns and the ocean tides —very cool. But sex? Now that’s the best! He outdid himself.

There’s no reason to flinch with guilt or discomfort when you think that God is in the room when you and your spouse make love to each other. We figure that every time a couple makes love and both spouses are responding and actively involved, giving selflessly to the other, God is there cheering: “Way to go!” We envision him smiling and giving high fives to the angels. “I created that,” he boasts. “Pretty good, eh?”

It is very good.

Just think about these facts for a moment. God provided for human sexuality in marvelous ways. In the Christianity Today article “Holy Sex: How It Ravishes Our Souls,” best-selling author Philip Yancey explains:

The human male has the largest penis of any primate, and the female is the only mammal whose breasts develop before her first pregnancy. Virtually all other mammals have a specified time in which the female is receptive, or in heat, whereas the human female can be receptive anytime, not just once or twice a year. In addition, the human species is one of very few in which females experience orgasm, and humans continue to have sex long after their child-bearing years have passed. Why are we so oversexed?

Relationship is the key. Human beings experience sex as a personal encounter, not just a biological act. We are the only species that commonly copulates face-to-face, so that partners look at each other as they mate, and have full-body contact. . . . Having studied some anatomy, I marvel at God laboring over the physiology of sex: the soft parts, the moist parts, the millions of nerve cells sensitive to pressure and pain yet also capable of producing pleasure, the intricacies of erectile tissue . . . the blending of visual appeal and mechanical design.[71]

We are indeed wonderfully made. And somehow we want to keep God out of our bedrooms? We cheat ourselves when we leave God out because he’s already in on the whole thing —it was his idea in the first place.

Serving Love

As we’ve mentioned in earlier chapters, God made husbands and wives to be different. But those differences are not only anatomical; they are internal too. Emotionally, physically, and relationally, we are wired to complement each other. If God designed us this way, then he must have a reason.

Many times we’ve wondered if God made us with complementary sex needs to help us grow in our ability to serve each other. God’s plan for husbands and wives is serving love, a love that focuses on the other.

God’s plan for husbands and wives is serving love, a love that focuses on the other.

Serving love propels a wife to study her husband, to understand his sexual rhythm and anticipate and meet his needs. Serving love means the husband is not tackling his wife’s “honey-do list” just so he can have sex that night. Serving love compels a husband to act selflessly, to say with his actions, “I love you. I honor you. I cherish you. I want to meet your needs. I want you to feel safe and secure and comforted in our sex life and our marriage.”

But this attitude isn’t easy to cultivate. It takes work. It goes against our human nature. In our marriages and sexual relationships, we battle selfishness every single day. We want to have our own needs met first, and we become frustrated when our spouses don’t meet our expectations. Our sex lives grow cold, distant, and stale. And in some cases, they die completely. It’s as if we are held captive to the pain, anguish, and frustrations of unmet unexpectations. We just can’t break free on our own to have an amazing sex life and marriage. We need supernatural help.

I (Barb) was recently reading a Bible passage in which Moses and God were talking. God had chosen Moses to meet with Pharaoh, the leader of the Egyptians. During this meeting, Moses was to demand that Pharaoh free the Israelites, God’s people, whom the Egyptians had enslaved for hundreds of years. Moses was anxious about his role as God’s spokesman and feared what Pharaoh would do. God responded to Moses by assuring him that when Moses stood before the powerful leader, he would experience a force even more powerful —that of God’s hand at work. God wanted to remind Moses —and through this passage, us —of who God is.

This is what God said to Moses: “Therefore, say to the people of Israel: ‘I am the Lord. I will free you from your oppression and will rescue you from your slavery in Egypt. I will redeem you with a powerful arm and great acts of judgment. I will claim you as my own people, and I will be your God. Then you will know that I am the Lord your God who has freed you from your oppression in Egypt. I will bring you into the land I swore to give to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I will give it to you as your very own possession. I am the Lord!’”[72]

As I read this passage, I thought about all of the distressed couples Gary and I counsel, couples whose stories are complex. We see so much slavery in marriages today. We see pain and many areas that men and women will not talk about or seek help for because they don’t know how. So many couples are in their own private Egypts. They are in bondage, yearning for freedom.

Are you in an Egypt? What is holding you captive? An overcrowded, overscheduled life? Misplaced or unmet expectations? Misunderstandings? Hidden sin? Shame? Pain? Abuse? Trauma? Stress? Fatigue? Pornography? Premarital sex? Mistrust? Deceit? Unforgiveness?

Friend, you need to know that whatever your situation, whatever is holding you captive, God holds the master key for your release. Through his Son, Jesus Christ, he has stepped up to your prison cell, placed that key in the door, unlocked it, and opened it wide for your release. And he looks into your eyes, into your heart and your pain and your slavery, and he says, “You are free.”

You need to know that whatever your situation, whatever is holding you captive, God holds the master key for your release.

Too often, though, we don’t believe the truth of what God wants to do in and with our lives. Look at the rest of the conversation between God and Moses. After God spoke, Moses went to the Israelites to tell them all he had heard. And instead of believing their leader and feeling joy, the Israelites “refused to listen anymore. They had become too discouraged by the brutality of their slavery.”[73]

Too many of us act like the Israelites. We continue in our difficult, miserable, unsatisfying sex lives. We sit in our captivity like prisoners who won’t get up, who won’t even walk to the cell door and try to get out.

God has opened the cell. He has broken the chains. You are free. Free. Don’t allow the pain and weight of your burden to keep you enslaved.

Although God has set you free, he will not force you out of your captivity. You must choose to accept your freedom. You can choose Egypt or the Promised Land. You can decide whether you want to live like a prisoner or like a victorious, free child of your Creator. God tells us, “Today I have given you the choice between life and death, between blessings and curses. Now I call on heaven and earth to witness the choice you make. Oh, that you would choose life!”[74]

God’s Promises

If you choose life, if you chose to allow God to release you into new freedom in your marriage and in your sexual relationship, what can you count on him to do?

1. He will free you. When we choose to allow God to lead us, when we willingly give up our desires and our selfishness to enter a relationship with him, when we actively pursue him, he says, “I will free you.”

The apostle Paul tells us that “it is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”[75] In our sexual relationships, we are no longer bound by the hidden addictions, the pain, the frustrations. Because of our relationship to God through Christ, those pains, burdens, angers, and frustrations hold no control or power over us.

2. He will redeem you. Because of our relationship with Jesus Christ, God says, “I will redeem you.”

In the Old Testament book of Joel, God, speaking through his prophet, tells his followers about redemption: “The Lord says, ‘I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts. . . . and you will praise the Lord your God, who does these miracles for you. . . . Then you will know that I am among my people Israel, that I am the Lord your God, and there is no other.’”[76] If your marriage has lost its vitality, if you have made mistakes, take them to God, and he will redeem them. He walks with you through your marriage. “For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.”[77]

3. He will accept you. God says, “I will claim you as my own people, and I will be your God.”[78] When you give yourself to God and ask for his help, you belong to him. He will take care of you. The reality is that the enemy of our marriages and our sex lives —Satan —wants nothing more than for us to live either in Egypt or in the wilderness, alone, isolated, and unaccepted.

But God says that those who call on him for help are not alone or isolated: “I, yes I, am the one who comforts you. . . . For I am the Lord your God, who stirs up the sea, causing its waves to roar. My name is the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. And I have put my words in your mouth and hidden you safely in my hand. I stretched out the sky like a canopy and laid the foundations of the earth. I am the one who says to Israel, ‘You are my people!’”[79]

The bottom line is that if we are followers of the living God, if we have been freed, redeemed, and accepted, then we need to step out of our frozen states with God and start living as if we are free. That means we put our spouses’ needs above our own, we talk to each other about our problems, we seek help, we talk to other Christians, we live confidently.

Many times we forget just how powerful God is. Deep down, we tend to think he’s powerless when faced with our relationships and sex lives. We forget that nothing is impossible for him —not even healing and strengthening a dead or unsatisfying sex life. Want to know how powerful God is? Want to know the truth about God? Here’s what God has to say: “‘To whom will you compare me? Who is my equal?’ asks the Holy One. Look up into the heavens. Who created all the stars? He brings them out like an army, one after another, calling each by its name. Because of his great power and incomparable strength, not a single one is missing. . . . How can you say the Lord does not see your troubles? . . . How can you say God ignores your rights? Have you never heard? Have you never understood? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding. He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.”[80]

Many times we forget just how powerful God is.

That’s a pretty awesome, powerful God. But you have to choose to believe and accept his strength, wisdom, and power. You have to let him be God of your life —both outside and inside the bedroom.

Asking God for Help

Sometimes husbands and wives suffer needless pain because they place all of their expectations on each other. When a husband feels as if his wife is not meeting his needs, he tends to blame her. When a wife expects her husband to meet all of her needs and he doesn’t, she often nurses hurt. The cycle continues, and the pain and resentment grow.

Sometimes husbands and wives suffer needless pain because they place all of their expectations on each other.

“I often felt hurt if my husband, Rod, wasn’t sensitive to my needs,” Jocelyn confessed. “I felt my needs were justified, so I would badger him or try to manipulate him into meeting them. Or I would blame him, creating more distance between us. If I would talk to him about it, we often ended up arguing, only intensifying the hurt. It was a downward spiral. I often cried myself to sleep.

“Then one day I recognized that I was placing all of the responsibility for meeting my needs on Rod. I began to realize that only God could fill my needs. I thought about some verses in the New Testament: ‘Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done.’[81] So, when I felt that Rod wasn’t meeting my needs, instead of trying to make him change, I followed the instructions in the verse. I talked with God about it, saying something like, ‘God, Rod was so distant tonight, and I felt hurt by that. He is so preoccupied by work that I feel like a widow. Please help me. If I am demanding too much, show me that. If I need to let go of my need, help me to do that. Help us to get closer to each other. I forgive him for becoming so absorbed in his work; help him find balance. I give you my need. I trust you to hear me. Thank you that Rod is responsible and faithful.’ I tell God what I need. Then I let it go.

“I’ve begun a discipline of this, and several remarkable things have happened. First, I feel less anxious about my needs. Second, I feel as if somehow I free Rod from needing to be everything to me. Third —and this one takes my breath away —I often find that slowly, over time, Rod changes. One time I was upset because he dismissed how discouraged I was because of a relationship problem I was having with a friend. Several days after I had prayed about it, without my saying anything to him, he came to me while I was at the computer, gave me a shoulder massage, and said, ‘How are things between you and Sarah? Have you resolved things? I know how disheartened you were by how she treated you.’ We went to the couch, and he listened as I talked about the rift with Sarah. When I cried, he took me in his arms. I never could have orchestrated that. But God knew, and he met my needs through my husband. Later that night Rod and I held each other in bed, and I told him how much I appreciated his sensitivity, how much he had helped me. He told me how much he loved me, and then we made love. Again, I never could have scripted that. But it was wonderful.”

Filling the Void

When God created us, he made us to need him. It’s as if he created us with a hole in our hearts. Although some of the hole gets filled by our spouses, they can never entirely fill it. Why? Because they weren’t meant to. God was.

When we don’t allow God to fill us, we become restless. We feel empty and unfulfilled, and we can become brittle. Our culture tries to fill that emptiness with sex, claiming that if you experience more pleasure, you will feel satisfied. But we discover that the thrill of sex lasts only for a while, and then the hollow, empty feeling returns.

Make God part of your daily life, including your sexual relationship. Allow him to fill you.

Unleash the power of heaven so that you can experience heaven on earth. The Garden of Eden in your own bedroom. Why not? You may be thinking, Yeah, that sounds great, but my spouse and I are nowhere near that kind of experience. You may struggle to connect spiritually to God or to each other, even though you know you need God’s supernatural help to love your spouse over the long haul and to endure the pain when you’re hurt.

But God is a God of second chances. He is a God who performs miracles. His forgiveness gives us a second chance, and that includes second chances in the bedroom.

Have you made mistakes you regret? Do you have memories you wish you didn’t have? Do you have places in your life or mind or heart where you’ve hidden secret sin that you don’t know what to do with? Are you weighed down by the baggage you think nobody knows about?

Let your sexual mistakes and problems bring you to the place of understanding how powerful forgiveness is. You can meet and experience not only the Creator of sex, but the Creator of grace. Grace is unmerited favor, but God longs to offer it to us.

Many couples say, “Yes, I understand God created sex.” But we want you to understand that God is interested in your sex life today, right now. It’s okay to pray about your sex life. It’s not weird! He really wants us to come to him about anything —and that includes our sex lives.

What are the barriers that keep you from inviting God into your marriage? Were you and your spouse taught that you talk about God only on Sundays —that he’s not a central part of your life? Or maybe one of you simply isn’t interested in spiritual things. Maybe you have secret sin. Maybe you’re new Christians and you simply don’t know how. Don’t let the excuses stop you from having the kind of intimacy God truly desires for you to have in your life and marriage.

Rewards of Spiritual Intimacy

When you pursue a growing, vibrant faith in Jesus Christ, both individually and together as a couple, certain things begin to take place.

God is free to reveal any hurts, emotional baggage, or pain you have and begin to heal your wounded spirit. He often does this when you read the Bible and share its insights together. Spiritual intimacy will allow you to experience transparent honesty, to be able to share fears, anxieties, joys, and dreams.

As you grow spiritually, you will see each other’s character become stronger and yet more gentle and loving. Watching that transformation provides a basis for feeling more trust and security in marriage.

As you grow spiritually, you will see each other’s character become stronger and yet more gentle and loving.

Jennie shared her story with us: “My husband and I weren’t raised in the same church, so we rarely attended church together. I hated going by myself because I wanted to share this part of my life with my husband. After a while I quit going. I began to feel alone. I knew there had to be more to life. Six years ago, I started listening to God calling me back to him. God led me to a great church, and I began to turn my life around. Although I begged my husband to go to church with me, he wouldn’t. I felt as if God wanted me to focus my attention on my relationship with him, rather than forcing my husband to attend church. After a while my husband saw a change in me as I continued to work on my relationship with Christ. My husband began attending church with me. He listened when God called him, and now he’s leading a ministry team at our church. We worship together; we pray together. I now feel as if our family has a higher purpose. God has saved our marriage and our family.”

Growing spiritually will also strengthen your sex life. When we counsel couples, we find that couples who are growing in their spiritual lives are also deepening their sex lives. Many people report experiencing deep spiritual satisfaction as a result of their lovemaking. Both sex and spirituality involve intimate parts of our being. Spirituality is not void of passion. When you are filled with adoration, devotion, and respect, you want to share those intense feelings with your spouse. Writing in Good Housekeeping, Lisa Collier Cool says, “People who see sex as intercourse only are more likely to talk about boredom, deception, and distance in their relationships. But those who feel a strong spiritual connection with their partner say that as love and trust build over the years, their sexual relationship grows and grows.”[82]

One of the things we treasure about our own marriage is seeing each other pursue a spiritual life. Sharing what God is revealing to us through the Bible, prayer, and worship enriches our lives and leads us to a level of intimacy that makes sex a wonderful expression of our oneness. The discipline of pursuing a stronger faith is not foreplay to great sex, but great sex occurs as husbands and wives seek a great God. There is no greater entrée to oneness in sexual intimacy than when husbands and wives prayed about their sex lives and bring clean hearts into the sexual relationship.

In turn, a satisfying sex life can spur a man to pursue a spiritual connection with his wife. The sexual act symbolizes unity. When he experiences the intimacy of a physical connection with his wife, he better understands what spiritual intimacy should look and feel like. Consider what Kevin Leman writes: “The notion of two people becoming one is a profoundly spiritual truth. As a Christian, I believe the sex act has as much to say about what happens within our souls as it does about what goes on inside our bodies. A husband and a wife create a holy union marked by a distinctly spiritual element. A man may have difficulty with contemplative prayer, but this is a spirituality he can truly enjoy!”[83]

The Ultimate Intimacy

Be honest —have you ever thought that prayer would have anything to do with your sex life? Yet, the Bible tells us to “never stop praying.”[84] So in essence we pray while we’re doing everything: working, gardening, cleaning, relaxing, jogging, driving, shopping, bathing —and making love.

If you really think about it, it makes sense to pray about your sex life. After all, if God created sex, the sacredness of it almost demands that you surround it with prayer. Through prayer we come to a realization that ultimately God is in control of every part of our lives, so we are free to release any fear, anxiety, or guilt we may be experiencing.

The two most intimate things a husband and wife can do are have sex and pray. Combine prayer and sex, and you and your spouse move into the most powerful, selfless, guilt-free experience you can have. It’s as if the connection you share with your spouse and your Creator makes that time holy. Prayer moves you into the very presence of God.

The two most intimate things a husband and wife can do are have sex and pray.

Research shows that the happiest couples are those who pray together. One study showed that 75 percent of people who pray with their spouses often describe their marriages as “very happy,” compared with 57 percent of those who don’t.[85] And couples who frequently pray together are twice as likely to describe their marriage as being highly romantic and to report considerably higher sexual satisfaction.[86]

We receive countless e-mails and letters like this one: “My husband, Daryl, and I had been married several years but were struggling. We were miserable in our marriage; I was dealing with depression, and Daryl was just angry all the time. We barely communicated, and our sex life was dead. We’re both Christians. We prayed at meals and with our kids before bedtime, but we never prayed together as a couple. Then we hit a wall. I started to suffer from panic attacks. We were so desperate for help that we started to pray together. I never realized how powerful prayer is. I could feel my panic attacks start to subside, and Daryl and I began to talk again. We became intimate again. Since we’ve been praying together, we’ve been able to communicate at a more intimate level than ever before. We’re more patient with each other. Romance has begun to bloom again, and our ‘first love’ for each other is once again burning bright. We still have our moments, and sometimes busyness gets in the way, but we have made praying together an everyday commitment. We can’t afford not to!”

Many women tell us that they struggle and are disappointed with their husbands’ lack of spiritual interest. We have learned that if God is stirring a wife, she can ask God to soften her husband’s heart toward spiritual things. And she can ask her husband to read the Bible and pray with her.

We want to give you a thirty-day challenge: For one month pray for your spouse every day at the same time. It could be while you are brushing your teeth, jogging, eating breakfast —whatever works for you. The key is that you pray daily at the same time.

What can you pray about? Pray that your spouse’s heart will be open to listening to God’s wisdom, insight, and direction. Ask God to show you how to encourage your spouse with creativity. Pray for and about your sex life. Pray that an awesome sense of wonder and love will wash over you and your spouse as you make love. Pray that you will be selfless in your lovemaking. Pray that your mind will be clear to think of nothing but your spouse and the pleasure you both can experience. Thank God for your spouse’s body and beauty. Thank God for orgasms! Thank God for those little tingles you feel when you become aroused. Thank him for your spouse’s soft breath on your skin, for lips that kiss, for toes that curl during an orgasm.

But What If My Spouse Isn’t Interested in Spiritual Intimacy?

Some people struggle to get their spouses interested in spiritual things. If you find yourself in that place, here are some ways you can make spiritual intimacy more appealing.

1. Present your case. Talking to your spouse about spiritual matters may be difficult for you. Counselor David Clarke offers some advice. Tell your spouse you want to discuss something important and ask when would be a good time to talk. Avoid making an emotional argument for your case. Instead, make your approach logical and practical. Your point is not to pressure or appear spiritually superior. Understand that he or she won’t respond right away. When you sit down to talk, tell your spouse you don’t want him or her to respond now (give your spouse time to process what you will say). Present your case in a straightforward and brief way (keep it to five or ten minutes). Tell your spouse that your marriage is missing something —and you realize it’s spiritual intimacy. Then list the benefits: If you spend time together praying, reading the Bible, and attending church, you’ll grow spiritually as individuals; you’ll create physical and emotional intimacy in your marriage; and you’ll receive God’s blessing. Ask your spouse to think about what you’ve said. It’s okay if he or she doesn’t respond immediately because you’ve clearly stated the need, established spiritual bonding as a priority, and set the stage for strategy.[87]

2. Focus on your own spiritual life. The Bible teaches that it’s possible to win a spouse to Christ without even saying a word.[88] You can draw your spouse to Christ by exhibiting a faith that’s authentic. Share your spiritual life with your spouse. Ask if it’s okay if you periodically talk about your spiritual life. Share how God is guiding and teaching you. Reveal spiritual triumphs and disappointments. Mention what you’re praying for, and share God’s answers to your prayers. Don’t let your spouse’s apparent lack of interest discourage you. Tell your spouse gently and lovingly when you see God working in his or her life. Pick the occasions as God guides, and say only a sentence or two.

3. Look for incremental growth. Don’t expect too much too soon. Suggest that you’d like to pray together, and look for an indication that your spouse is open. Then begin by thanking God for your spouse. Keep it brief. Then ask your spouse to pray as well. Affirm whatever growth you see. Above all, don’t give up. Imagine how God is working in your spouse’s life and how he is preparing to do great things in and through both of you.

When you as a couple work together to grow spiritually, your sex life will also deepen. When you pursue a vital, vibrant relationship with Jesus Christ —individually and together —you will experience true oneness, trust, and security. That’s the true secret to a great sex life.