CHAPTER 13

FACING THE DEEPER ISSUES

This book has attempted to cover the main sexual issues that most couples deal with in their marriages. However, some couples struggle with deeper issues: unhealthy fantasies, lust, infidelity, date rape, memories of previous sexual encounters, exposure to pornographic Web sites, or childhood sexual abuse. All of these can have devastating effects on a marriage. And yet, because as Christ-followers we serve a God who is bigger than any struggle or problem, we know that even in the midst of all these challenges, we have hope that true sexual intimacy can occur.

Even though we will address some of these deeper issues in the following pages, we realize that we cannot cover them with the depth and completeness they really demand. If you find yourself struggling with any of these issues, use the sections of this chapter as a starting place. Then get professional help from a Christian sex therapist. We know many couples cringe at the thought of seeking counseling from a sex therapist, but it’s important to remember that getting trustworthy help is nothing to be ashamed of. You are taking proactive steps to build a strong foundation for your sex life and marriage. That’s courageous and honorable. Keep pursuing the right path. You will find help, hope, and healing there.

Facing the Issues Together

Many times an injured spouse will withdraw and think, It’s my problem. I will handle it. A problem with a sexual issue is never just one spouse’s problem; it’s a couple’s problem. It’s not I have a problem; it’s we have a problem. You need to talk about it together. You need to make a plan together. You need to decide together what kind of outside help is needed.

A problem with a sexual issue is never just one spouse’s problem; it’s a couple’s problem.

There is no room for isolation. When couples get married, it’s easy for them to forget that the primary goal of marriage is not their own personal fulfillment; the goal of marriage is oneness. The goal is to reflect God’s love and wisdom. Fulfillment is the joyful by-product of sharing in his goodness. Whatever the problem, promise each other that you will handle it together.

When you understand these deeper issues and take them to God, you can begin to release them. But if they remain secrets and private memories, Satan can use them as destructive tools. The enemy of our holiness and purity delights in drawing us into the shadows of temptation or memories or pain of the past. Whenever Satan can keep us from focusing on our growth in Christ or from pursuing godliness in our marriages, he gets a foothold that begins to erode the sanctity of the marriage and leads to the destruction of oneness. Don’t let that happen to your marriage and sex life. Commit together to protect your relationship with the supernatural help of God. If you ask, he will help you.

The next several sections of the chapter will explore the impact of four major problem areas: premarital sex, pornography, infidelity, and sexual trauma. In our experience with thousands of couples, we have seen many who have been devastated by these issues. But we’ve also talked with countless couples whom God has redeemed and whose marriages have become whole again. Our prayer is that you will experience that same wholeness.

Intimacy Overrated: Premarital Sex

We guess that many people reading this book had sex before marriage —either with the person who eventually became their spouse or with some other person. From the experience we’ve had with thousands of couples, we can also guess that if you had premarital sex, you probably have had or are having sexual problems as a result of that activity.

What’s the big deal about sleeping with someone outside of marriage? When you have sex outside the boundary of marriage, you give a part of yourself to that other person. And the part that you give is sanctified —set apart —specifically for your spouse. Sex outside marriage often causes couples to lose the innocence and anticipation of true sexual fulfillment. But it also sets up opportunities for comparisons and memories of previous lovers or experiences. Many couples have no idea that some of the sexual issues they currently have go back to what each of them did sexually before marriage.

A number of years ago a young married woman shared with us that she had been sexually active in college, and the memories kept resurfacing to haunt her. And now she is struggling sexually with her husband because sex takes her back to what she did with her old college boyfriend. The consequences of her choice have robbed her and her husband of the freedom they should be able to experience together.

Why are there consequences to premarital sex? Because sex is not just an act. It’s spiritual. Sex connects not only two bodies but also two souls, melding them into one. We’ve had people tell us, “Yeah, but that was twenty years ago.” We tell them, “It doesn’t matter how long ago it was.” Every time you have sex with a person, you bond and tie your souls together, whether or not you intend to.

Sex connects not only two bodies but also two souls, melding them into one.

In her book Inviting God to Your Wedding, Martha Williamson says, “Someone once described it to me this way: When you . . . are intimate with someone —it’s like gluing two pieces of wood together. When you finally pull the wood apart, it doesn’t come off clean. Each takes a little piece of the other away with it. The more relationships you have and the more sex you have, the more pieces of other people you are carrying around with you. And unfortunately, by the time you get married, the joy of sex and the thrill of discovery can be significantly diminished.”[89]

You may be thinking, Yeah, I slept with someone outside of marriage. I regret doing it because the relationship didn’t work out, but I don’t feel as if I gave a part of my soul. I don’t feel like anything happened.

We always tell people, “The earth revolves around the sun. We don’t feel that either, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.” Your premarital sexual activity —together or with others —will have an impact on your current sexual health and joy.

Many people who have premarital sex later struggle with guilt and shame. Another destructive by-product of premarital sex is that a spouse compares marital sex with the premarital experience. Some people find premarital sex exciting merely because it is forbidden. They like the thrill of the illicit nature of it. But married sex is different. It is satisfying because it is exclusive and safe. When married couples entertain memories of former sexual incidents, they experience a disconnect. They tend to romanticize the past. When they begin comparing a spouse to a premarital sexual partner, they don’t see the truth. It’s a faulty sense of comparison.

Finding Help: Intimacy Retraced

The good news is that you can retrace your steps and find deep intimacy with your spouse. If you had sex before you were married, the first thing to do is to understand that you and/or your spouse stepped out of God’s will for your marriage. You can recapture the joy of your marriage by making it right with God. Confess to each other and to God. Seek forgiveness from both your spouse and God. Then forgive yourself. Let yourself off the hook. If your spouse was the one who had sex before marriage, then forgive him or her for giving away something that belonged only to you. Forgive your spouse for cheating you out of what was meant to be pure and fun and a discovery.

You can recapture the joy of your marriage by making it right with God.

Also affirm what is pleasurable to you. You’ve looked in the rearview mirror of promiscuity. You’ve prayed for release from that. Now it’s important to receive affirmation from each other, to build a firm foundation of sexual unity for your marriage. In essence you are reclaiming your moral and sexual purity; you are breaking those soul ties that happened outside of marriage.

Martha Williamson talks about how she and her husband broke the soul ties that formed during their promiscuous relationships. They wrote a list of all their past relationships, both sexual and emotional. “I had names to put on my list and so did Jon,” she writes in Inviting God to Your Wedding. “We approached this with complete honesty. As I wrote, I could feel how much I wanted back all the pieces of myself that I had left glued to other people. And how much I wanted to be rid of the pieces that were still glued to me.” She writes that after they had completed their inventories, “We supported each other in prayer as we brought each name on our lists before the Lord. We asked God to forgive us, and we committed ourselves to turn away from our past relationships and past behaviors. One by one, we crossed the names off. Finally, we ripped up our lists, threw the pieces on the floor, and said good-bye to our past forever, acknowledging that it no longer had any power over us.

“Suddenly I felt healed and whole again, free of the pieces of other people that I had been carrying around. And all the pieces of myself that I had given away were gathered and returned to me. I hadn’t felt like that in years. I felt cleansed. . . . I looked at [Jon] and smiled. He was now truly my one and only. And I was truly his.”[90]

When you confess and forgive yourself and each other, God will begin to quiet the memories. He will replace the old memories with new ones.

Intimacy Stolen: Pornography

A friend who is a divorce attorney told us that one of the primary reasons that people divorce is the impact of pornography. And it’s not just men who are addicted. More and more women are becoming visually stimulated and addicted to Internet pornography.

In the past a person had to go to the store to buy a Playboy. Now people can view pornography in the privacy of their offices or homes by clicking on the Internet. At a recent conference one man told us, “It used to be that you had to chase after your sin. Now your sin chases after you.”

What’s truly unfortunate is that we know of Christian counselors who encourage or suggest that their clients use pornography to spice things up in the bedroom.

Whether your spouse enjoys pornography or whether you both view pornography as a way to make sex sizzle, the result is the same: Pornography damages your sex life and marriage. Friends, pornography is serious sin. There is nothing God-honoring or spouse-honoring about using porn. Nothing. Ever.

Why? We can think of several reasons:

1. Pornography introduces a third party into your bedroom. Pornography contaminates and desecrates the holiness, purity, and sanctity of marriage. By bringing photos of others’ bodies into your sex life, it is as if you are committing an act of adultery. The Bible tells us, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.”[91]

2. Pornography introduces comparison into your sex life. You and your spouse can never measure up to the airbrushed, enhanced, sex-hungry bodies you see on porn sites. Pornography only leads to dissatisfaction and false expectations of yourself and your spouse.

3. Pornography is completely devoid of what we were made for —relationship. Even though viewing pornography and masturbating bring sexual release, they leave a person empty and unfulfilled. We know of one young man who sought help for his addiction when his marriage failed. He told us, “I did it because I didn’t have to make any kind of relationship commitment. My wife was too much work, and this was fast and easy and accessible. And I got my needs taken care of. But at what price? It’s cost me my marriage.”

4. Pornography is like a drug. The more you view pornography, the more you need in order to become aroused. It creates a tolerance level that goes higher and higher. What you once viewed begins not to have the same effect, so you need to up the ante in order to bring about the stimulation.

Finding Help: Intimacy Restored

David Goetz, author of Death by Suburb, tells the story of how Garrison Keillor, the humorist and author of the popular Lake Wobegon, wrote an advice column for Salon.com. One woman asked what she should do about her husband’s two-hundred-dollar-a-month pornography habit. Keillor’s advice was for her to tell him that she would like to participate too, but that two hundred dollars a month was too much, so she’d like him to shop around for better deals. “In his dry, sardonic way,” Goetz says, “Keillor was attempting, I think, to push her to whack him back to reality and fidelity. Why masturbate to digital images of animal-like sex when you can make love to real flesh and blood?”[92] If you or your spouse is viewing pornography, here are some steps to take:

1. Face the truth. The first thing is to face the truth of what pornography is. “All that glitters is not gold,” as the cliché goes. Face the reality that pornography cannot coexist with a healthy, God-honoring, vibrant, successful sex life.

2. Establish boundaries. Tell each other when you are tempted by pornography, and hold each other accountable. Allow others to hold you accountable too. Be vigilant and intentional about keeping boundaries in place.

Sam and Ginny know about boundaries and accountability. Ginny told us, “Sam doesn’t spend a lot of time on the Internet. He gets on, does what he needs to do, and signs off. Several weeks ago he said to me, ‘I have to tell you something. I can’t believe this happened, but I just want to tell you.’ He explained that as he was checking a work-related Web site, all of a sudden an XXX-rated Web site popped up. As he was talking about the temptation and how he resisted it, I was thinking, Why is he telling me this? He didn’t have to do that. I would never have known. But by telling me, Sam was letting me know that he isn’t going to fall to temptation. Sam’s honesty strengthened my ability to trust him. He didn’t have to tell me; he didn’t gain anything by it. But in another sense he gained the world by it.”

Setting boundaries means placing the computer in a heavily trafficked area in the house —the kitchen or family room. It means putting a filter on the computer. We’ve heard of filters that will send e-mails to three different “accountability” people if someone tries to access a pornographic Web site. It means you go to bed together at night. It means doing research before you watch certain movies —and being willing to walk out of a movie that is even mildly pornographic.

3. Take it slowly. It’s naïve to think, I’ll go to Victoria’s Secret, buy a new teddy, and everything will be okay. If I do this, it will stop my husband’s addiction. Take one step at a time. The important thing is to replace the old visuals with the new. Every time you focus on making love to each other, focusing only on each other, you rewire the old memories. And while you’re doing that and reintroducing the healthy, real intimacy of marriage, you are diminishing the other.

4. Realize that healing takes time. When a spouse relapses, stay in the game with him or her. Offering criticism will not help. Pray for him or her. Go to counseling together. Love your spouse. Respond rationally with, “Let’s think this through calmly,” rather than responding out of pain or emotion. Otherwise, the person will shut down, deny it, and withdraw —all things that impede healing and hinder sexual intimacy.

How do you confront your spouse rationally, without the emotion? If you suspect that your spouse is viewing Internet pornography, check the Internet history. Then print it out, and simply —without a word —place it in front of him or her. Try that every week. And if there’s nothing there, print that out, place it in front of your spouse, and affirm him or her.

5. Guard your eyes. Guarding your eyes means looking away, bouncing your eyes to some other object, physically getting up and going somewhere else, such as to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Celeste mentioned to us, “During the winter months, Joel and I get our exercise by walking in an indoor mall. It always impresses me that he looks away as we walk past Victoria’s Secret. It’s not that he is a prude. It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate sexy lingerie; I know that from personal experience. But Joel knows the power of visual stimulation, and the nearly nude mannequins and the seductive posters in the display windows can tempt him. When he turns his eyes away, I feel secure. I respect him so much for that.”

When you starve your eyes and eliminate the junk food from your life, you’ll deeply crave “real food” —the wife whom God provided for you. Listen to what happened to Fred Stoeker, one of the authors of Every Man’s Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation, when he committed himself to getting rid of the visual junk food:

After I’d gone cold turkey on sexual images for about three weeks, I remember vividly how Brenda noticed the geometric rise in my desire for her. Constantly telling her how beautiful she looked, I was all over her, patting her, hugging her, touching her. I also was desiring intercourse far more often, and as the new higher pace continued, it dawned upon Brenda that this might not be just some simple jag or a phase. She panicked, blurting out, “What am I doing to make myself so attractive? I have to stop it!”

That moment was hilarious. I told her what was going on and that I couldn’t really help my heightened desire for her. “All my desires are coming straight at you, and I don’t quite know what to do about it yet. I promise I’ll work hard to get back to an equilibrium that we both can live with.” Brenda didn’t know whether to be relieved or shocked, but she expressed a willingness to allow me time to find that equilibrium —and to put up with me until then. Those days revealed to me just how much I’d been stealing from Brenda.[93]

Intimacy Violated: Infidelity

It seems as if infidelity is an epidemic these days. According to the Los Angeles Times article “The Roots of Temptation,” one in five people is likely to cheat on a spouse.[94] The zinger is that many people who report being in happy marriages commit adultery. Like everyone else, married men and women have an appetite for flirtation and sexually charged attention. Studies show their need for connection warps their judgment, even when they fully appreciate the risks of infidelity. Most affairs don’t occur because of sexual problems at home —they happen because of disconnects in the marriage. Although the responsibility for an affair always lies with the person violating the marriage vows, the other spouse often contributes to the breakdown of the connection.

Most affairs don’t occur because of sexual problems at home —they happen because of disconnects in the marriage.

Noted marriage researcher John Gottman says, “It’s not uncommon for someone to cheat and then blame their partner for it. If someone is lonely or feels their mate has lost all interest in them, they can rationalize that they were driven to have an affair.”[95] Researcher Debbie Layton-Tholl has found that most people don’t pursue adulterous relationships because they want new sexual partners. Of the 4,300 respondents who completed her questionnaire, more than 90 percent reported that only after there had been a lack of intimacy and a loss of emotional and sexual satisfaction did the dissatisfied partner look for a new lover to fulfill his or her needs.[96]

But infidelity can bring unbearable pain. When emotional and physical affairs happen, it is not only a betrayal but also a deep brokenness. The pain may be so intense that it’s hard not to keep reliving the experience. The offended spouse may keep bringing it up, and the offender may get frustrated and say, “I said I was sorry. I asked for forgiveness. Why can’t you get over this so we can move on?” Restoration isn’t easy. An affair is a major breakdown of commitment. It may happen only one time, in a quick tryst, but it takes years to rebuild the trust that is lost. Restoration calls for a lot of patience, a lot of contrition, a lot of love.

If one of you has been unfaithful in your marriage, you both need to ask some questions. The unfaithful spouse needs to ask, What will I do to prevent another affair? The betrayed spouse needs to ask, Am I committed to restoring this marriage? Scripture does say that in the case of adultery, God allows divorce.[97] But if you are committed to restoration, then we can give you a plan.

First, confess your sin and mistakes to each other. Then ask God to help you forgive each other. Next, reestablish and reaffirm your commitment. Without commitment, you will be doing restoration work without a safety net.

An initial conversation about commitment and restoration might sound something like this: “Sharon, you committed adultery. Your infidelity has come to the surface, but I want you to know that I want to make this marriage work. I’m committed to you and to our marriage. I’m going to stand under God’s promise that redemption and forgiveness and grace can occur. I have to confess that sometimes I don’t feel like trying to make it work. It doesn’t make sense to me; it’s counterintuitive. But I am more committed to you than I am to holding on to this offense. I’m committing myself to restoration partly because of the kids. Part of me wants to do it because my parents were divorced, and I don’t want to repeat that. I want to break that cycle. Another part of me wants to do it because I believe that I didn’t meet all of your needs either. So even though I didn’t cheat on you, I cheated you. I have to tell you that I’m really scared. But I want to reaffirm that I love Jesus and I believe that the work God is doing in you can bear fruit.”

This husband expresses not only his vulnerability but also his commitment. He is relying on God to work in both his wife and himself.

Another woman told us that after she learned of her husband’s infidelity, she committed herself to restoration, but not because she necessarily trusted her husband. She told him, “I’m not sure I trust you, but I trust God. And I trust the work he’s doing. So I want to reaffirm my commitment to working on this marriage.” That’s the place to start.

As you work toward restoration, you will grieve, you will weep, you will blame, you will fight. You may come through each day bloody, but stay the course.

Finding Help: Intimacy Redeemed

The big issue is learning to rebuild the trust. What can you do to help your spouse begin to trust you again? Here are a few steps to take.

1. Cut off all contact with the third person. If that means leaving your job, quitting the church choir, or dropping the karate class so that you do not have contact with the other person, then do it. This is serious business.

2. Report any contact you do have. If you do have contact with the other person, report it to your spouse, regardless of who initiated it. The offended spouse needs to have zero tolerance about your contact with the other person. If you end up confiding in him or her again, you only create another injury, another secret, another potential affair.

3. Make yourself accountable. Your spouse will be watching to make sure you are true to your word. If you say you’re going to be home in five minutes but you see that you’re going to be late, call and say why you are not home. The smallest thing will set off your spouse and begin the destructive cycle of mistrust and suspicion. You may feel like an adolescent to have to report your activities, but for the first several months it’s an important step in rebuilding trust.

4. List all your questions, then take the list to a professional biblical counselor or sex therapist. If you are the offended spouse, write out every question you have. No question is off-limits. Your questions may include,

• How did you meet him/her?

• Where were you when you had sex?

• Where was I?

• Did you tell him/her that you love him/her?

• What did he/she wear?

• How many times did you meet?

• How many times did you have sex?

• What did he/she do for you that I didn’t do?

• What lies did you tell me to cover up your activity?

The point is to purge. Write out the scariest issues you need to get out. We’ve seen spouses’ lists run twenty to thirty pages, with hundreds of questions.

When you have completed your list, take it to a counselor, who can help you sort it out and discern which questions to ask the offending spouse.

5. Confront your spouse with the condensed list. This is best done in the presence of a counselor who can help you navigate through this delicate issue. Try to ask the questions as calmly and rationally as you can. If you were the spouse who had the affair, answer your spouse’s questions with enough information so that he or she can be at peace with moving past it but with so much specificity that it is too overwhelming. The bottom line is to make sure you confess everything. Everything. When you hold back, Satan uses those unconfessed secrets to bring destruction to your marriage. When we counsel couples in this situation, we often review the questions with the offending spouse and filter the report to the offended spouse with his or her permission and blessing. The wounded spouse should not need to carry the burden of knowing excessive details about the offenses.

6. Forgive. It’s essential to understand that forgiveness isn’t a onetime deal. Many times when the pain resurfaces, you need to choose to forgive again and let it go. In her book Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome, Nancy Anderson writes about how she learned forgiveness from her father. Here’s what he told Nancy and her husband, Ron, after her affair had been discovered:

When you tell someone you’re sorry, it’s very different from asking for their forgiveness. Your “sorry-ness” is your decision. But when you ask someone to forgive you, that’s their decision. That’s why people avoid asking forgiveness. It gives all the power to the other person. . . .

Ron, when you forgive someone, you make a choice . . . to banish the offense from your mind and your heart. Jesus said that after he forgives us, our sins are as far away as the East is from the West. In other words, they’re pardoned. Not because we’re not guilty, but because we are. Our pardon is undeserved. . . . It’s a gift to us from God. If you decide to pardon Nancy’s sin against you, you can never use it as a weapon against her. And if you do make the choice to forgive her, God will give you the strength to start a new life together. But if you don’t want to forgive her . . . if you want to hold on to the pain, and punish her, and keep her wound open, . . . that will be your choice. But I don’t think you’ll stay married.[98]

7. Validate the wounded spouse and give restoration some time. When we have been hurt and rejected, we tend to move into self-protection mode, which includes withdrawal, stonewalling, being distant and cold, and lashing out to punish the offender for the pain.

If you are the offender, remember that your actions have seriously damaged your spouse’s ability to trust you. It’s very important for you to validate your spouse. Tell him or her of your love, and show it in actions that build trust. Call home, and stay accountable if you are late or need to run errands.

Then be patient. You will want your spouse to get over it and move back to where you were before he or she learned of your affair. But it’s not that simple. Your spouse needs to get out the toxic waste of your actions. Only then can you begin to move in the direction of restoration. Through intense counseling and a good support system, you will come to a point when your spouse will let it go. But that will take time and help.

8. Reintroduce sex slowly. Again, if you are the offending spouse, don’t assume that once you and your spouse have talked about the affair you can resume a normal sex life. Restoring intimacy after an affair is a process. First, make sure you see a physician so you’re not transmitting disease. But for a while, most likely, you and your spouse will take a vacation from sex. Always, the offended spouse is the one who sets the pace for lovemaking because sex after an affair has an emotional and spiritual rawness to it that requires willingness and grace. But is it possible to restore that sexual relationship so that it is wonderful? Yes. It takes a lot of time and patience, but it can happen.

Your spouse may forgive you, but that doesn’t remove the consequences. And the number one consequence is you’re likely not going to get sex for a period of time. When you begin to reintroduce sex, be very patient and gentle. Your spouse will probably not have a lot of resiliency.

9. Act “as if.” Even when the ache is there, if you are committed, then act “as if” you love your spouse. Acting “as if” is different from putting on an act. Acting “as if” means that you act in a way that expresses belief that someday you will feel loving again. There is hope in acting “as if.” You speak belief to yourself until you do believe.

10. Work on the relationship. Work on reconnecting in the areas that need the most attention. Start dating and courting each other again. Don’t allow the setbacks to set you back. Once you begin to reconnect emotionally and spiritually, through forgiveness and hard work, the sexual expression will begin to follow.

When Gary was young, his sister had polio. The doctors said she would never walk again, but his dad refused to accept that prediction. His dad said, “Oh, she will walk again. You just wait!” He brought parallel bars into their living room. He put a swimming pool in the backyard. For five years Gary’s family focused on making sure that his sister would walk again. And his sister walks today.

It’s the same thing with a marriage that has been devastated by infidelity. The couples who make it through successfully have a wartime mentality. They are committed to going through the pain, not around it.

11. Pray. Pray and recommit your marriage. Ask God to heal both of you. Stand at your bed, and pray over it. Pray for purity and restoration in your marriage. Pray for protection, that neither you nor your spouse will be tempted again in this area, that you will be strong enough to fight off temptations.

12. Depend on God. In our more than twenty-five years of counseling, we’ve seen that the couples who have the greatest chance of coming through the effects of infidelity are those with a strong faith in Christ. Plug into a support group at church. Pray, grow spiritually together, keep a journal of your insights and commitments. Cry out to God. His Holy Spirit can heal places of the heart that we, in our humanness, cannot touch. Do you trust the work that God is doing in your spouse? Restoration is teamwork: you, your spouse, God, your local church’s support system, and a biblical counselor. And somehow God will knit together your hearts so that you can celebrate the gift he’s given you.

Intimacy Damaged: Sexual Trauma

In an article about her own healing from the effects of childhood sexual abuse on her marriage, Mary DeMuth reports these statistics: “According to the Department of Justice, by age 18, one in four women and one in six men have been sexually abused. What happens to the titanic number of sexually abused men and women when they marry and enter regular sexual experiences with their mates? One study published in Contemporary Family Therapy estimates that 56 percent of women who were sexually abused as children feel discomfort during sex and 36 percent seek some sort of sexual therapy.”[99]

Gary has counseled hundreds of courageous men and women who seek the healing God desires for them. During these intense counseling sessions, he often recommends that they take a “vacation from sex” for a while. He encourages spouses to be extremely intentional about the healing, with the belief that God can restore healthy sexual interests as the restoration occurs. He suggests that couples read Dan Allender’s The Wounded Heart as they go through counseling to help them understand the issues of shame, guilt, and healing. The biggest mistake is to give up on the potential for a healthy sexual relationship and shut down, compartmentalize sex, or not connect deeply to your spouse.

In her book Breaking Free, Beth Moore, who also dealt with childhood abuse, discusses the importance of renewing your mind. She compares it to going through a room, stripping the wallpaper, and repapering it completely. She suggests that you walk through the room of your mind and challenge the lies from Satan, strip them down, and replace them with truth. She suggests you take Scripture passages based on the truth of who you are in God’s eyes and put them in your purse or your wallet. When you are out doing errands or waiting in line somewhere, take out the verses and memorize them. Realize that you are rewiring your mind to replace the enemy’s messages with God’s messages of truth.

It’s critical to understand that overcoming the trauma of sexual abuse is a battlefield of the mind. Too often people who have experienced trauma try to repress the pain. Their bodies go through the motions, but the people don’t experience wholeness from the inside out. Wholeness is not going to happen right off. But if you just keep taking the next step, healing can come.

It’s critical to understand that overcoming the trauma of sexual abuse is a battlefield of the mind.

Abuse is abuse is abuse —spiritual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and certainly sexual abuse. All abuse damages the soul, heart, and body. Obviously each kind of abuse has its own uniqueness.

If your spouse has suffered abuse, listen patiently as he or she processes feelings, memories, and fears. Be sensitive to your spouse’s needs. An abused spouse will often experience feelings of mistrust toward the other spouse —especially if he or she was molested as a child. As a result of the trauma, your spouse may distrust your touch or become incredibly closed —especially where sex is concerned.

People who have been sexually abused will see sex as wrong, dirty, and shameful. They feel that if they enjoy sex, they are condoning what their abusers did to them. And if they don’t enjoy sex, they are a bad spouse. So they become paralyzed. They’re frozen and scared, and they may unknowingly disconnect from their marriage relationships.

If you are a victim of sexual abuse, it is important that you get help from somebody who is trained in that area. We encourage you to see a trained Christian sex therapist. And your spouse can join you in therapy later in the process, to learn how to comfort, encourage, and connect.

When Gary coaches a man whose spouse has been abused, he tells him that he can be an incredibly strong instrument God can use to restore his wife’s sense of self and her sense of becoming the woman God desires. And often that means the most loving thing a spouse can do is to abstain from sex for a time to allow the hurt spouse to peel back the layers of pain and work through them, to give that spouse a safe place to grieve the loss of innocence and purity. Anybody who’s been through this experience has the right to feel loss and pain.

If you suspect your spouse has been sexually abused but she or he doesn’t talk about it, it’s okay to ask. Be gentle. Some abused men and women have never spoken to anyone else about the abuse, so it may not be easy at first for them to admit it or talk about it.

Jake and Marla’s sex life had suffered from the time they were first married. Jake rarely felt as if Marla was completely present for him. And she never liked to kiss or touch him. He began to suspect that maybe she’d been molested as a child. So one evening, he very gently asked her if she had ever been betrayed by anyone. As they began to talk, she finally admitted the horror of what had happened to her. “I feel so ashamed,” Marla told him. “I’ve been wanting to tell you, but I was afraid you wouldn’t want me anymore. So it just never seemed to make sense to tell you. And then after we got married, I didn’t want to tell you because I thought you’d become angry at me.” Jake comforted and affirmed her that night, and they agreed to seek counseling.

Finding Help: Intimacy Healed

It’s important for injured spouses, especially if it they are scarred by childhood sexual abuse, to recognize that they were victims. It wasn’t their fault. They are never responsible for what happened to them. It’s also important for them to know you love them unconditionally and that you are committed to them and the marriage. Start with these steps:

1. Recommit to each other. Remind your bruised spouse that you are not going anywhere, that you accept and love him or her completely, unconditionally. Keep saying that you are in this together —all the way to healing. Tell your spouse you will not wound him or her.

2. Take a break from sex. Tell your spouse that during this season of counseling, until he or she feels more comfortable, you will wait to have sex. It’s not enough just to acknowledge the wound. You need to be willing to work with him or her, and that may mean putting aside your own sexual needs —otherwise sex can wound again. We’ve heard spouses say, “Well, just have sex, and you’ll be okay.” We disagree. What will probably happen is that the wounded person will merely withdraw and shut down.

3. Seek help as soon as possible. Recovering from sexual abuse requires the help of someone trained to walk with you. Even though friends or Bible study leaders can listen and encourage you, they are not trained in the complexities of the effects of sexual abuse. Find a Christian trauma specialist or sex therapist who is trained to deal with sexual assault.

4. Comfort. Show affection, hold each other, and pray with each other. Mia told us that sometimes while she and her husband were in the middle of sex, she would have a flashback from when she was date-raped. She would freeze and shut down. During those times her husband would hold her and whisper over and over in her ear, “I’m your husband. I love you. I would never hurt you. I’m not the person who raped you. You are safe. Look into my eyes. I am yours. You are mine. We belong to Jesus. We will get through this together.”

5. Understand that healing takes time. There are no quick fixes for sexual trauma. Many times the victim may feel used or have a distorted view of sex. Healing takes reassurance, listening, and speaking words of comfort and affirmation. Recovering from sexual trauma is a delicate process, and it’s important not to impose a timetable on your spouse.

6. Talk about your sexual relationship. In her story about recovering from sexual abuse, Mary DeMuth writes,

As difficult as it might be, Patrick and I had to speak frankly about our sexual relationship. Through God’s strength, I was finally able to tell Patrick, “When you complain about our sexual frequency, I want to give up and never try,” or “When you say or do that, I feel used, that I’m only an object.”

In that same God-strength, Patrick was able to say, “When you don’t place sex and affection as a priority, I don’t feel loved,” or “When you don’t kiss me, I feel distant from you.”

We also had to resolve not to hide our anger or pain. Patrick buried his anger over my lack of response and then quit communicating altogether. I erroneously thought if I hid my pain over my past, I could magically improve sexually. But we realized not addressing the truth was disastrous for our sexual relationship.[100]

7. Pray for your spouse. Ask the Holy Spirit to erase the haunting memories, to pour healing oil on your spouse’s heart and soul. Remind your spouse of Christ’s words of invitation: “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.”[101] Your spouse will take great comfort and strength in knowing that you are praying for him or her. Be God’s instrument of healing and rest.

Pray that someday your spouse would be able to say, “I can rejoice in my sufferings because I know that suffering produces perseverance, and perseverance produces character, and character leads to hope. And hope will not disappoint me.”[102] Pray that God would remind your spouse that what Satan meant for evil, God can use for good.