CHAPTER 2

REDEFINING SEX

In an episode of the long-running television sitcom Home Improvement, Tim “the Tool Man” Taylor and his wife, Jill, have a conversation about her best friend, who is dating Dave, a friend of Tim’s. One day Dave tells Tim that he is seeing another woman on the side. When Jill learns this from Tim, she immediately starts to call her friend to tell her the truth. Tim objects, “Look, Jill, it’s none of our business.”

When Jill tells Tim that he needs to have a talk with Dave, Tim objects again: “Men do not call each other and talk about relationships.”

“You talk about sex,” Jill says.

“Sex is not about relationships,” Tim shoots back. Then after a raised-eyebrow look from Jill, he adds, “Except in ours.”

To which Jill replies, “Until now.”

Tim represents a common perspective in our culture: that sex is its own entity, separate from relationship. We see this over and over in our society. Sex is perceived as the ultimate goal. There’s a focus on “doing it” and “hooking up,” with no expectation of a commitment between the two people. Even within marriage sex can become something we worship, an idol of sorts.

Although sex within marriage is definitely important, it is not the only part of marriage that is worth pursuing. Sex is simply part of the whole fabric of marriage. We can never experience truly satisfying and fulfilling sex apart from relationship. In other words, we can’t have one without the other. Although many people try, the results are inevitably devastating.

We can never experience truly satisfying and fulfilling sex apart from relationship.

God created us to be relational. Increasingly our culture disconnects sex from relationship. But sex is part of relationship. That’s where it’s most satisfying and meaningful. That’s where we find the most joy. That’s the way God created relationships, and that’s the way God created us.

The Ultimate Lesson

God made men and women to be different from each other. Most of the time we’re pretty happy about that. But sometimes those differences make it challenging to have and sustain a great sex life. Why is that? Is God cruel? No. We believe that God wired men and women differently so that we can appreciate the mystery of sex and so that we can continue to learn about each other.

Yes, sex is about pleasure, but so often we miss the larger purpose of sex. We seek immediate gratification, immediate pleasure. Sex is about me. Yet, that is the opposite of the way God works —and the opposite of the way God wants us to work, especially in our marriages and intimate lives. Ultimately this realization calls us to redefine sex.

We have brought into our bedrooms so many expectations and perspectives that shouldn’t be there. We’ve listened to our culture for far too long; we’ve defined sex in ways that are displeasing to God.

The more the two of us work with couples who struggle sexually, the more frustrated we become at what Christians have allowed our culture to dictate about what should and should not happen in the bedroom. That’s when we look at each other and determine that enough is enough. As Christian couples, we need to guard our bedrooms and our marriages. We need to cordon off our marriages from negative influences. We need to redefine the environment in our bedrooms and reestablish God’s design for our sex lives.

Are You Cheating?

One day Pete called and in desperation asked if he and his wife, Cheryl, could make an appointment to meet Gary for counseling that day. When they arrived, Pete poured out their story. Earlier that day, while checking his e-mail at home, he’d found a message from one of Cheryl’s male high school friends. This friend wrote about the time he had spent with Cheryl at a recent reunion. Pete then found a sexually explicit message of an upcoming rendezvous Cheryl was planning with this man. Pete learned that this man had already had a sexual relationship with Cheryl —something that should have belonged to Pete alone.

After listening to Pete, Gary asked him, “What do you want to do?” Because Cheryl had been involved sexually with another man, Pete had biblical grounds to be released from the marriage if he chose to divorce her.

Pete looked at Gary and said, “I have never cheated on my wife.” But then after a moment, he turned to Cheryl and said, “I’ve never committed adultery. But, Cheryl, if I’m honest with myself, I have to confess that I have cheated you. I’ve been a workaholic. I haven’t tended to your needs. I haven’t cared for you the way you needed me to. I’ve cheated you —and I’ve cheated myself.”

If you’re honest, perhaps you’re a lot like Pete: You’re cheating your spouse. Before you deny it, think again. You may not be physically cheating through adultery or pornography, but you may be cheating your marriage out of the God-honoring, God-designed sex life that was meant for you and your spouse.

We cheat when we withhold affection, when we give too much of our time and energy to our kids or to others besides our spouses. We cheat when we connect emotionally with opposite-sex friends or colleagues. We cheat when we do not fully give ourselves sexually to our spouses. We cheat when we become selfish with our sexuality, when sex or the lack of sex becomes more about me, me, me than we, we, we.

Cheating is serious business to God. When we cheat, we do not simply hurt our spouses; we hurt ourselves, our marriages, and our relationship with God.

It’s far easier to blame someone or something other than ourselves when our sex lives aren’t all we know they should be. But we need to ask ourselves honestly, How are we cheating ourselves out of a successful and satisfying sex life? How are we cheating ourselves individually? How are we cheating ourselves relationally, physically, and spiritually?

Is it by fantasizing? Is it withholding a part of our hearts out of fear of becoming too vulnerable or getting hurt? Is it because of a spiritual hole we’ve never filled? Is it that we are not fully present when we make love to our spouses because we’re thinking about other things instead?

These are all ways we cheat. Redefining sex means we face our selfishness head-on and admit: I am selfish, and my selfishness is cheating me —and my spouse —out of a great sex life. My selfishness is cheating me out of developing the character qualities that God wants me to have.

Redefining sex means we face our selfishness head-on.

When it comes to sex, we all want the climax, the grand finale. So if we don’t reach an orgasm complete with earthquake and fireworks, we think that something must be wrong with our technique or the timing —or our spouses. Instead of pointing fingers at these factors, we need to redefine sex so that our focus is not on our own needs but on our spouses’ needs, desires, and wants.

Good sex is other-centered; it allows you to focus solely on your spouse. God’s design is that when you focus on your spouse’s needs and he or she focuses on yours, your sexual and relational pleasure will be so deep that you won’t want to do anything to diminish it.

Good sex is other-centered; it allows you to focus solely on your spouse.

Our sexual intimacy is tied to our faith. God created us with a purpose, and we want our lives to count. At the end of our lives we will give an account to our Creator, and our accountability is going to include the area of sex. We don’t want to stand in front of God and hear him say, “I had this beautiful plan, and you missed out.” When we realize this, we need to ask ourselves, Is my cheating really worth what I will get out of it? And what I will ultimately lose?

Sex Is a Privilege and a Duty

Monica and Hank sat across from Gary with their arms crossed. They were both sure they were right and the other was wrong. It seemed that every problem they had was the other person’s fault. Finally, Gary broached the subject of sex.

Monica rolled her eyes and sat quietly. Hank looked bitter as he stated, “We haven’t had sex in months.”

Monica turned on him. “Gonna blame that on me, Hank? Well, no way. Our not having sex is not my problem.”

“Why do you say that, Monica?” Gary asked, trying to restore some calm in the room.

“Why should I give him sex when he doesn’t even try to meet any of my needs?”

“That’s not true,” Hank shot back. “I tried to meet your needs, but it was never good enough.”

“When, Hank? You come home and don’t lift a finger, except to flip the channels on TV. You treat me like a maid. You don’t talk to me, except when you need me to get you a refill on a drink. Is that meeting my needs?”

“Well, if you were a little nicer, maybe I’d be more willing. If you acted like you wanted to have sex once in a while —”

“You are so unbelievable!” she said.

“Okay, hold off, you two,” Gary said. He had worked with Hank and Monica in counseling long enough to know it was time for some tough talk about their sex life. “Monica, Hank, I have some things to say, and they may be difficult for you to hear. But part of my job is to tell you truth, to spotlight areas where you are struggling, and to hold you accountable in those areas. This isn’t about you personally. This is for the sake of your marriage.”

Gary had their attention, even if they gave it grudgingly.

“When you married, God called you into a mysterious and unique relationship —a relationship in which you complete each other, in which two people become one through the physical and emotional intimacy of sex. As a husband and wife, you are called to serve each other, and that includes the privilege and responsibility of satisfying each other’s sex needs. That is a need only you can fully meet for the other, and that need is part of God’s will for you and your marriage. Satisfying each other’s sex needs may feel more like a duty for you right now, but it is a duty God is calling you to respect.

God called you into a mysterious and unique relationship —a relationship in which you complete each other, in which two people become one through the physical and emotional intimacy of sex.

“Monica, for your husband, the physical act of intercourse is an important and fundamental part of sex. You may not like that, but that’s the way it is. That is the way God created your husband. So it is part of your responsibility to fulfill that. If you don’t, something or someone else will. And the tears may flow, but you will bear part of that responsibility. If the physical is not part of it, then you don’t have a sexual relationship. And in God’s view, you really don’t have a marriage. That’s not what God intended.

“Hank, for your wife, the physical part is not going to work if the emotional and relational parts of your marriage aren’t working. You may not like that, but that’s the way it is. That is the way God created your wife. So it is part of your responsibility to fulfill that. If you don’t, something or someone else will. And the tears may flow, but you will bear part of that responsibility. If the emotional and relational are not part of it, then you don’t have a sexual relationship. And in God’s view, you really don’t have a marriage. That’s not what God intended. Sex is part of a larger picture. A healthy sexual relationship grows out of your emotional and spiritual relationship with your wife.”

That was tough talk for tough love. But Hank and Monica needed to understand the seriousness of a marriage commitment. They needed to recognize that part of their commitment is to be emotionally, relationally, and sexually available to each other.

Gary sent them home with an assignment. For the next week, they were to focus on meeting their spouse’s top need —without complaint, without a negative attitude. And he asked them to practice being grateful that they could meet that need. For Hank, it was to connect emotionally with Monica and to help around the house. For Monica, it was to respond in a positive way to Hank’s sexual advances.

Within one week they began to see a change in their marriage. All because they acknowledged their cheating mentality and redefined their relationship.

Is It Ever Okay Not to Have Sex?

At a recent conference one woman asked us, “Is it ever okay not to have sex? How about when my husband and I are both stressed? What should I do when he asks me if we can have sex later and I am not feeling at all in the mood? I want to be a good wife, but I don’t know how to handle those situations in a biblical way.”

We receive similar questions from husbands: “I work hard all day and am exhausted when I get home. Does God really expect me to focus energy I don’t have on being relational? Sex isn’t difficult for me, but talking is! What should I do when I don’t have anything to talk about?”

Is it ever acceptable to refuse to meet a spouse’s sex needs? What does the Bible say about such situations? At one point the apostle Paul discusses sexual responsiveness: “The husband should fulfill his wife’s sexual needs, and the wife should fulfill her husband’s needs. The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife. Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”[4]

Paul is making several things clear. First, sex has an equality and reciprocity to it. Each spouse has the responsibility to satisfy the other. Paul challenges us not to withhold sex from each other because joining together in sexual unity blesses the other. Second, celibacy within marriage is not a good choice. A Bible commentary about this passage makes these observations about the historical practice of celibacy: “Apparently this refraining from sex within marriage was a unilateral decision of one partner, not a mutually agreed on decision. Such a practice sometimes led to immorality on the part of the other mate. Paul commanded that they stop this sort of thing unless three conditions were met: (a) the abstention from sexual intercourse was to be a matter of mutual consent on the part of husband and wife; (b) they were to agree beforehand on a time period, at the end of which normal intercourse would be resumed; (c) this refraining was to enable them to devote themselves to prayer in a concentrated way.”[5]

The Bible’s guidelines are designed to move us past withholding sex from our spouses unless both spouses agree for a time and they do it for the purpose of spending more time in prayer. If they don’t agree or if the period of abstinence is for an indefinite period or if the purpose is something other than prayer, then they misunderstand God’s design. We must never use Scripture as a weapon of control. The Bible is for our protection and benefit. In those times when a couple are committed to seek God in concentrated prayer, fasting, and searching the Bible for direction and comfort, taking time and attention for sex could diminish the search. But when they reconnect sexually, it will be richer because of the spiritual connection they have had with God.

Occasionally a couple may need to refrain from sexual intimacy because of a deep hurt. This often happens when one spouse is dealing with the effects of severe trauma, such as childhood sexual abuse or a partner’s addiction to pornography. We’ll talk more about these issues in chapter 13.

Becoming one in body and spirit leads us to meet each other’s needs willingly. We give to each other out of a desire not only to experience sexual satisfaction but also to enrich the marriage. In other words, a successful sex life means we strive to serve our spouses.

“Before I truly understood what it meant to serve Candy, I would do kind things and expect something in return,” James told Gary. “If I went grocery shopping, I counted on sex later that night. Even though my expectations were left unstated, I had an underlying hope that Candy would reciprocate.” James’s relationship with Candy changed when he redefined sex and began to serve his wife and meet her needs.

True service means persistently watching for ways we can love, assist, support, praise, appreciate, protect, and please our spouses —then taking action, without expecting something in return. That’s not always easy. Opportunities to serve may come at inconvenient times, sometimes when we’re not in a serving mode. We need to have the mind-set that sex isn’t about me and my desires. Sex is about serving my spouse, whom God has given me.

True service means persistently watching for ways we can love, assist, support, praise, appreciate, protect, and please our spouses —then taking action, without expecting something in return.