CHAPTER 3
WHAT SPOUSES NEED FROM EACH OTHER
If you’re married, we’re sure this will come as no surprise to you: Men and women view sex differently. Very differently.
This is the stuff of Cosmo magazine articles, multitudes of books, television sitcoms, and stand-up comedy. The television sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond was a hit precisely because the writers understood the profound differences between the sexes and exploited those for comedy’s sake. We are bombarded with that message so often, however, that many spouses start to tune it out, shaking their heads and mumbling, “Yeah, yeah, I know. We’re different.”
In some areas of marriage, our differences don’t matter that much. Husbands and wives may have different styles of communication or may enjoy different hobbies. But because our sexual involvement touches us at such a deep level, the differences can sometimes be a source of conflict.
It’s important to remember, though, that God intentionally made males and females to be different from each other. And we need to celebrate those differences. Our lives would be quite different if males and females looked alike, were shaped alike, thought the same way, felt the same way, and responded the same way. Our differences add richness and diversity as well as excitement and joy to our marriages.
God intentionally made males and females to be different from each other.
However, our differences also create challenges. We need to learn what those differences are and understand how to navigate them in our unique marriage relationships.
We know that our brains and sexual organs are wired differently. Men are aroused by visual stimuli; a husband can just look at his wife and become aroused. Women are a little more complex. They need to be “warmed up.” Sex therapists and researchers tell us that women take as long as thirty minutes to become aroused during sex. You’ve probably heard the metaphors that compare men’s and women’s sexual responses to microwaves and Crock-Pots.
Studies suggest that men think about sex every seventeen seconds, but women think about sex every seventeen days —or seventeen years, in some cases![6] Although these statistics highlight the extremes, they do point out a distinct difference, and the truth is, that difference is not going to change. Women just haven’t been wired to think about sex as frequently as men do, but that doesn’t make women prudes. Men have been wired to think about sex often, but that doesn’t make them perverts. But we know that already, right?
If, in fact, our distinct wiring is such a commonly understood issue, if we know so much about why we are wired so differently, why is it still a problem in so many marriages? Why do husbands and wives forget and act as if this is breaking news —or bad news? And why do we continue to allow these differences to keep us from having strong sexual relationships?
Gender Wiring 201
In our work counseling couples, we have found the problem is not that couples don’t know about gender differences. The problem is that even though we recognize the differences, many of us never take the time to study, appreciate, and pursue those differences as being good and worthy.
Even though we recognize the differences, many of us never take the time to study, appreciate, and pursue those differences as being good and worthy.
Instead, many couples continue to assume that the wife will respond like a husband, and the husband will respond like a wife. Here’s the Golden-Rule mentality again: If I treat my spouse the way I want to be treated, then we’ll be happy and have a fulfilling sex life. This is one of the great misunderstandings of all time. If you’ve bought into that line of thinking, let us remind you: That is never going to happen. Period. It’s that simple.
So what should a couple do? Should they resign themselves to experiencing a boring —or nonexistent —sex life?
No!
In our own marriage, whenever we have taken the Golden-Rule approach, we’ve bumped up against our differences. But those times are great reminders to learn about and appreciate the differences in each other. God made us different, but he also made us to be complementary —to balance each other, to fit together, to make us one.
The exciting reality about sexual intimacy is that God made us different to spice things up! And ultimately, those differences teach us about serving the other person. When we give our spouses what they need —not what we think they want or need —then we fulfill God’s design for sexual intimacy. And the reward is that together we experience true intimacy.
When we give our spouses what they need —not what we think they want or need —then we fulfill God’s design for sexual intimacy.
What we have to realize is that our different ways of approaching sexual intimacy are okay —and normal —because God made us different . . . on purpose. And that’s a good thing. We waste so much time and energy trying to shape our spouses into sexual clones of ourselves. Then we wonder why we’re frustrated and disappointed with our sex lives! So rather than growing frustrated and upset, taking it out on each other, walking away, and pouting, take those opportunities to accept that our approaches to intimacy are going to be different.
The reality is that we often want the same things. Our deepest desire, whether we’re male or female, is ultimately to become one. He wants intercourse; she wants intercourse. He may want physical intercourse more than she does, and she may want emotional intercourse more than he does, but when a couple can meld physical and emotional intercourse, they will find the pathway to great sex.
To meet our needs, we have to meet our spouses’ needs. They are ultimately connected. Of course, that’s not to say that men only want the physical and women only want the emotional. Both need both. It’s just that God wired us to get both by coming at it from two distinct ways.
So how did God do that? He wired a man to feel connected to his wife by experiencing orgasm. The physical act of sex opens his feelings and allows him to become more vulnerable. Sex gives him a sense of closeness and intimacy. He is better able to concentrate on such things as his emotions. God wired a woman to feel connected to her husband by experiencing emotional connection. Emotional connection gives her a sense of safety. She is better able to give herself to physical sex.
God made husbands and wives to complement each other: A husband invites his wife into intimacy through sex, and a wife invites her husband into intimacy through emotional connection. Together, they make a satisfying whole.
Ultimately, through sexual intimacy (emotionally and physically connecting), God calls us to be vulnerable and to serve each other. He calls on men to connect emotionally with their wives in order to have their physical needs met; he calls on women to connect physically with their husbands in order to have their emotional needs met. It involves tension, to be sure. But it’s also exciting foreplay!
What Do Husbands and Wives Really Need?
So we know that men are visually stimulated and can become physically aroused fairly simply and quickly. We know that women are more complex and need emotional, physical, relational, and spiritual alignments to become physically aroused. But what exactly are our sex needs? If husbands and wives were to sum up what they wish their spouses understood about their sexual needs, what would be on their list of top five needs?
To help us understand the unique sex needs of men and women, we surveyed more than seven hundred married couples across the country. The results surprised and impressed us:
Top Five Sex Needs of Men and Women
Men’s Sex Needs
1. Mutual satisfaction
2. Connection
3. Responsiveness of wife
4. Initiation of wife
5. Affirmation
Women’s Sex Needs
1. Affirmation
2. Connection
3. Nonsexual touch
4. Spiritual intimacy
5. Romance
Which of the results surprise you? Which ones line up with the needs you listed after doing the exercise in chapter 1? Again, don’t be concerned if your lists don’t match the results of our survey.
As you read the next four chapters about the top five sex needs of men and women, you will grow in your understanding of your own sex needs, your spouse’s sex needs, the obstacles that may prevent you from meeting those needs, and practical ways to start meeting your spouse’s unique needs.
Regardless of where you and your spouse are now, when you become serious about meeting each other’s sex needs, you will see change in your relationship. It may not happen the first time you connect emotionally with your wife or the second time you initiate sex with your husband. But a willing persistence and a good attitude will bring about positive change. It simply takes commitment.
Before you jump in, however, consider these three things:
1. Think about your commitment level. How willing are you to doggedly pursue meeting your spouse’s sex needs? If you think, I will if he will, then you’ll see some changes, but you’ll constantly be trying to balance the scale. And although you may experience sexual fulfillment for a while, you won’t sustain that level of enjoyment and peace.
You may think, Why should I be the one who has to work? That’s not fair! You’re right —if you’re thinking short term. But fulfilling your spouse’s sex needs requires long-term thinking. And somebody needs to make the first move. If you both stubbornly refuse to initiate a change, then you’ll stay stuck.
Or you may think, What’s in this for me? What if I meet my spouse’s sex needs, but he or she doesn’t meet mine? Even though you may not initially feel as if your needs are being met, the more committed you are, the more you will see your spouse begin to soften and be willing to meet your needs.
2. Talk to your spouse. Pick a date night, take this book, and discuss the sex needs with your spouse. Ask questions and genuinely listen to the answers. The goal is not to persuade your spouse or to express why you don’t see things his or her way. Your goal should be to learn and understand your spouse’s needs from his or her point of view. Remember, your spouse’s answers are not an invitation to debate your differences. Once you’ve listened, restate your spouse’s answers to make sure you have heard and understood correctly.
If you’ve never talked together about sex, now is a great time to start. We think that talking together about your sex life is so important that we’ve devoted chapter 10 to the subject. But for now, tell your spouse that this topic is so important to you that you are willing to step outside your comfort zone to talk about it. Talking about sex needs can be draining, so don’t push too much information into one discussion. Set up another date night to continue your discussion. If you need ideas about date nights that will help you discuss your sex needs, see chapters 6 and 11 in our book 40 Unforgettable Dates with Your Mate.