CHAPTER 4

A WIFE’S TOP THREE SEX NEEDS

How’s Jeff?” Barb asked her friend Annie over lunch one afternoon.

Annie paused. “Okay, I suppose.”

“What do you mean?”

Annie sighed. “Honestly? We’re not doing so well. When we first got married, Jeff was so attentive. He’d constantly tell me I was beautiful. We held hands. He’d bring me flowers or call me at work just to tell me he loved me. We even prayed together every morning before we got out of bed. And the sex was wonderful!” She paused again. “Now we barely speak to each other.”

Annie blinked back her tears. “I’m not even sure when we started to become disconnected,” she continued after a moment. “I just know that we started to argue about sex. Jeff is always ready to go. The wind could blow, and he’d think that was foreplay. He doesn’t understand that I’m just not that way.”

“Most women aren’t that way!” Barb said, trying to console her friend.

“Yeah, well, he doesn’t even bother anymore —with sex, with our relationship, with anything. What’s worse, he won’t talk about it.”

Annie’s story is similar to the hundreds we hear as we talk to women all across the country. They long to have a solid relationship with their husbands, but the sex part —at least the way they feel that their husbands view it —keeps getting in the way.

When we surveyed more than seven hundred women, we discovered they do want sexual intimacy. They want a great sexual relationship with their husbands. As we looked at the wives’ top three sex needs, we realized the needs are closely interwoven.

Barb’s conversation with Annie summed up the top three sex needs for most women: affirmation, connection, and nonsexual touch. Notice that her husband used to do the following things: He told her she was beautiful (affirmation); he would pray with her every morning and call her during the day (connection); they held hands (nonsexual touch).

Husbands, if you want your wife to desire you sexually and initiate and enjoy sex with you, it’s important to understand that a mutually satisfying sexual relationship doesn’t just happen. The good news is that if you understand one of these sex needs, you will more than likely grasp the others too. It takes work —but the benefits are worth it.

Let’s take a look at each of the three sex needs.

Affirmation

During a recent conversation Jody told us, “Every once in a while I need to know that my husband recognizes and affirms what I do for him and our family. When I hear him say ‘Thank you’ or ‘You did a good job’ or ‘You are such a good mother,’ I feel closer to him and am much more open to his physical advances.”

Affirmation is essential to a successful sexual relationship. It is so important that 65 percent of the women we surveyed rated it as their number one sex need.

So what exactly is affirmation? Simply put, affirming your wife means building her self-esteem. It’s giving her genuine compliments, actively listening to what she says, giving her the opportunity to slow down from her busy pace of life, saying complimentary things about her in front of other people, and encouraging her when she’s discouraged. Affirmation is pointing out what she does right, overlooking her failures, and reminding her how much you appreciate what she does.

Affirmation is especially important during sex. Women need to hear how beautiful they are and how much they satisfy their husbands. The truth is, a majority of women struggle with body image. It doesn’t matter how old or how fit they are, they are always comparing themselves to other women or to themselves at their best form —which may have been when they were in high school. Why do you think women constantly ask, “Do I look okay in this? Do I look fat?”

Connection

What a day Julia had. Several people had been laid off from her department at work —one of them a friend. The project she had hoped to finish that day was delayed because a coworker dropped the ball. Julia’s mother had called with bad news about a friend’s health. When Julia arrived home, she was stressed, tired, and depressed. She pulled into the driveway and saw Ben working on his 1967 Ford Fairlane in the garage. She grabbed her briefcase and got out of the car.

“Hey, sweetie!” Ben called, as he wiped his greasy hands on a towel and walked toward her.

“Hi,” she said blandly.

After he kissed her, he asked, “How was your day?”

“Horrible,” Julia said.

“That’s not good. I’m sorry to hear that. Let’s talk about it over dinner.” And with that Ben kissed her again and went back to the garage.

As Julia walked into the house, she thought about how much she loved and appreciated Ben. Every night it was the same routine: He’d stop what he was doing to kiss her and ask, “How was your day?” Then he’d say, “Let’s talk about it over dinner.” During the meal they would share the events of their day and unwind together. Then later in the evening they would snuggle together on the couch and watch the news.

In the book The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially, sociology professor Linda Waite and marriage expert Maggie Gallagher conclude that married people have better sex. They suggest that “the lifelong, permanent commitment embodied in marriage itself tends to make sex better.”[7] They also believe that “there is no better strategy for achieving great sex than binding oneself to an equally committed mate.”[8]

That’s exactly what women across the country told us. More than 59 percent of the women ranked connection as a top sex need. One key to a wife’s sexual excitement, responsiveness, and ability to initiate sex is a strong connection to her heart. These women feel that their sex lives are satisfying when both partners receive first an emotional and/or spiritual connection and then a physical connection. In other words, when a husband emotionally connects to his wife, he prepares her for sexual intimacy.

Women need physical closeness, but for them it doesn’t start there. They first need emotional closeness. Julia and Ben have a great sex life. Why? Because Ben understands the importance of tending to his wife’s needs. He stops what he is doing to greet her with a kiss. He asks about her day. He listens to her. He is physically close to her while watching television. And even when she is tired and stressed, because he has taken the time to bond with her, which helps her unwind, she is more available to meet his —and her own —sexual needs.

Ben understands that connection happens 24/7. He knows that a compliment at 10:30 won’t translate into sex at 10:35. He realizes that to meet his wife’s needs, he needs to be in the moment, not emotionally and mentally “checked out.”

Women need to experience an emotional connection with their husbands every day. Here is what women told us about the ideal ways to connect with their husbands:

• “I connect with my husband when he checks in with me, just to say, ‘I love you, and I’m thinking about you.’”

• “I feel connected to my husband when he asks me how he can pray for me and when he shares with me what God is teaching him in his life.”

• “We connect by touching and doing activities together, like hanging out doing chores, walking together in the grocery store, watching television. It’s mostly nonverbal, but it’s just as powerful for me.”

• “My husband and I take long walks or work out together and talk. That connects me to him.”

God brings women and men into relationship in different ways. Through sex, men draw women into a physical relationship. Through connection, women draw men into an emotional relationship. We complete each other. We both end up with relationship, but we have different ways of inviting the other person in.

Through sex, men draw women into a physical relationship. Through connection, women draw men into an emotional relationship.

Christian sex therapists Clifford and Joyce Penner say it well: “For the woman, sex is a total-body and total-person experience. It’s good for her when her husband attends to all of who she is, not just her sexual parts.”[9]

Nonsexual Touch

Jimmy complained, “Every time I go to kiss Karen, she pulls away, then says, ‘All you ever think about is sex. Can’t you just kiss me without needing it to become foreplay?’ What is her problem?”

“Picture this,” Barb said. “It’s nearing the end of the day. The unfolded laundry is piled high, screaming kids are hungry, dinner is boiling over, and Karen is thinking, If I could get just fifteen minutes of quiet so I can balance the checkbook, I’d be finished with what I need to do, and then I can relax. Then from out of nowhere you show up and plant a big, juicy wet one on her lips. It’s the we’ve-got-ten-minutes-before-dinner-and-I’m-ready-for-some-sex kind of kiss.”

“Yeah? What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing,” Barb said. “But here’s the difference between you and Karen. Karen’s goal is to complete her to-do list. Your goal is Karen! Karen loves you, but when you pick inappropriate times to move toward sex, she sees you as a wall that’s blocking her from finishing that list —the one she compiled at dawn and wants to complete before dinner. She’s not opposed to sex; she’s just not interested right then.”

“But why can’t she just let the list go until later?”

“Because that’s not how a woman’s mind functions.”

Gary could see that Jimmy wasn’t comprehending the point, so he chimed in. “What’s your favorite sport?”

Jimmy looked confused. “Football.”

“If you were playing a game of football,” Gary said, “and you had a fourth down with ten yards to go, and your wife stood on the field directly in your path, how would you feel?”

“Blocked.”

“Imagine that Karen is playing mental football, and she has control of the ball on a fourth down with ten to go. How do you think she’ll respond to you if your kiss isn’t just a kiss, but a move to block her from finishing her goal?”

“Yeah, okay,” Jimmy admitted.

“After she makes the touchdown, she’s ready to celebrate —with you.”

“So my kiss was the tackle?”

“Sort of. The kiss wasn’t the problem,” Gary said. “The type of kiss was the problem. For Karen, the kiss needed to be simply an expression of adoration, with no strings attached. It could have been a great connection. But for you, the kiss was foreplay, part of the countdown to sex.”

Jimmy’s wife needed something most women need and desire: physical touch that does not lead to sex. They need to feel secure that every physical expression their husbands make isn’t with the expectation of moving toward intercourse. In our survey, more than 59 percent of the women ranked nonsexual touch as a top sex need.

Guys, you may be thinking, Wait a minute. What is nonsexual touch doing in a sex book? Some of you may even be wondering, Is there such a thing as nonsexual touch? Isn’t most touch between a husband and wife supposed to lead to sex? The answers are: plenty, yes, and no. Simply put, nonsexual touch, or affection, is intimacy in and of itself. It’s not the means to an end. In many situations it is the end.

Nonsexual touch, or affection, is intimacy in and of itself. It’s not the means to an end. In many situations it is the end.

“Touch me. Don’t touch me.” Have you ever had that experience with your wife? One minute she wants to be touched; the next minute she doesn’t. No wonder men are confused! But men need to understand what kind of touch works well for a woman. More than 80 percent of a woman’s need for meaningful touch is nonsexual. Most psychologists will tell you a vast majority of women appreciate and love a hug, a touch, a kiss, holding hands —any physical sign that they are special.

First, let’s differentiate between nonsexual touch and foreplay touch. Nonsexual touch is loving affection. It may have the tone of sexual arousal “around” it, but the goal of nonsexual touch is not intercourse. Foreplay touch, on the other hand, leads to sexual intimacy for a couple. The problem is, to a man, touch is touch is touch. It all feels the same. But that’s not the case for his wife.

During one of our conferences Jack approached us with a complaint. “After dinner, homework, and getting the kids to bed, my wife, Rachel, and I sat on the couch and watched a movie on television. I reached toward her and gently rubbed the back of her neck and played with her hair. She melted in my arms and asked me to hold her. I thought everything was going great, so I started to kiss her neck and move closer. And then she froze! She got mad at me and said she wanted to be held —but that’s all. What does she mean, ‘That’s all’? I’ll never understand her. I give her the nonsexual touch she wants, and that’s where it ends.”

Guys, stay with us here. We know it may be difficult for you to understand how an intimate touch can stay platonic. You start rubbing her shoulders, and you become aroused and think you’ve entered the sexual intimacy zone. She thinks she’s just getting an affectionate shoulder rub. And when you start to make your move, she resists and pulls back.

What happened? Many men have felt “out on the sofa” relationally, when they long to be “in bed” with their wives. When men go from nonsexual touch (which, in Jack’s case, let’s be honest, was actually sexual touch) to trying to score —they won’t. It’s that simple. Some men keep trying this pursuit, keep failing, and keep shaking their heads in bewilderment.

The reality is that when you meet your wife’s needs for affection, you refresh her weary spirit and help her relax. You give to her, which begins to replenish her energy. When you touch her without any expectation that you will end up between the sheets, she will feel much more secure with you and much more open to sexual activity later on.

But when you offer her touch that you think will move into the sexual intimacy zone, you could drain her spirit and push her over the edge. Why? Because if your wife is like most women, she spends her day meeting other people’s needs —giving, giving, giving. She gets tired and drained. When her husband comes home and moves right into the “take” mode, she doesn’t have anything to give. She’s empty. And that means sex isn’t going to happen for a long time. Your wife needs you to be a safe and nonthreatening place for her. Nonsexual touch refuels her energy and creates that place of safety. Yes, she really does want to meet your sexual needs, but she needs time to refuel. You can help her do that through tender affection with no strings attached.

Your wife needs you to be a safe and nonthreatening place for her.

In the apostle Paul’s profound chapter about the qualities of love, he reminds us, love “does not demand its own way.”[10] You can love your wife by putting aside your own needs, by not demanding your own way, and by serving her through affirmation, connection, and nonsexual touch.

For a woman, great sex happens in the context of being held, laughing together, feeling accepted, and sharing feelings. Emotional intimacy is intensely fulfilling for a woman. Although it does not replace her need for sex, her emotional need is as intense as her husband’s physical need. When her husband fulfills her emotional need and sustains it through affirming her, hanging out together, and being affectionate, she feels replenished and safe, making it much easier for her to be open to sharing herself physically with her husband.

Tanya, a young mom, told us, “A man needs to know that an invisible switch needs to flip before his wife jumps in bed and becomes an excellent lover. I’m a stay-at-home mom, and I have kids hanging on my legs all day and am generally beat by the time my husband comes home at night. I start my day with mundane things like potty training the kids, and I’m supposed to end it being intimate with my husband? Honestly, if my husband has sex in mind for later, I need a lot of affection before I can even think about that. He needs to invest in me before sex happens. When he calls home during the day, I feel connected to him. When I get a kiss on the cheek before the day starts or a warm hug after he comes home from work, he is investing in me.”

Understanding a Wife’s Need for Affirmation, Connection, and Nonsexual Touch

Why are these three sex needs —affirmation, connection, nonsexual touch —so important to women?

1. They help build trust. Negative attitudes, doubt, insecurity, fear, guilt, and anger will kill sexual desire fast. But affirmation, connection, and affectionate touch can battle these emotions and help a couple bond. For a woman, trust is an essential foundation to a healthy sex life. Lyda told us, “I can’t give myself fully to my husband if I don’t feel safe with him, if I don’t trust him. Trust and security allow me to let go and give my heart and body to my husband.”

2. They help her want to please her husband. Several years ago a survey asked what employers could do to motivate their employees. The employers were amazed that the number one response had nothing to do with income or benefits; the workers said they needed appreciation.[11] If affirmation and appreciation motivate people to work harder, why wouldn’t they motivate a wife to try harder to meet her husband’s needs? The answer is, they will. Gratefulness expressed through affirmation and connection is a powerful motivator.

Although a man needs little or no preparation to engage in sex, a woman needs time to be emotionally and mentally prepared. That’s why it’s so important for a husband to meet his wife’s sex needs in preparing her for sexual activity. When you ask about your wife’s day, when you are concerned about her health, when you thank her for all the work she does, when you tell her she looks nice —her heart softens toward you. This is her foreplay. She naturally wants to be close to you physically.

3. They rev a woman’s sexual motor. Believe it or not, meeting your wife’s need for affirmation, connection, and nonsexual touch primes her sexual desire. Your nonsexual touch makes her feel loved for who she is —not for her body, not for what she is physically able to give you —but because you love her enough to put aside your own desire. When your wife feels loved, she will be more ready and willing to move toward you and meet your needs as well.

Meeting your wife’s need for affirmation, connection, and nonsexual touch primes her sexual desire.

4. They melt tension and stress for both spouses. Touch is a powerful messenger that communicates care and connection. Anyone who has been soothed by a massage or comforted by an embrace knows how powerful touch can be. Without a single word, touch reinforces a message of love, connection, and acceptance.

God created our skin with delicate nerve endings that release into our bodies positive and healthy chemicals: endorphins and oxytocin —“feel good” chemicals. Soft touches and warm embraces can set off tiny nerve impulses throughout the entire body. A simple caress on the back of the neck transmits a touch message to the brain through a network of more than 100 billion neurons. The brain receives and interprets the touch message and then stimulates the production and release of endorphins, which give a heightened sense of good feelings and well-being. Touch increases brain activity and heightens alertness. Touch affects hormones as well as sleep patterns.[12]

Touch benefits both the giver and receiver. Researchers found that some type A husbands could add up to two years to their lives if they would give their wives a long, gentle hug at the beginning and the end of each day.[13]

5. They lead to positive chemistry in your relationship. Experts tell us that couples who generously show physical affection for each other nurture a healthy bond of connection. Chemistry and the senses are closely linked, and one of the strongest senses is touch.

What is the chemistry in your relationship? Do you still feel a flutter in your heart when your spouse takes your hand? If not, you can change that. You can program your brain so that you experience chemistry with your spouse. Writer Norman Cousins noted that the human brain is the largest pharmaceutical house in the world. He maintained that no drugstore has as many chemicals, or combinations of chemicals, available as the human brain. If our brains have every chemical necessary for producing passion and attraction, we need only to discover the way to signal our brain to release a certain chemical into the bloodstream.

Chemistry alone is not enough to hold together a relationship over the long term, but without chemistry, a couple’s relationship is fragile and vulnerable. If a woman is deprived of nonsexual touch in her marriage, she may gravitate toward a man who touches her arm when they talk or who hugs her.[14]

6. They keep her physically and emotionally healthy. Several years ago researchers at UCLA made an interesting finding: To be physically and emotionally healthy, the average person needs eight to ten meaningful touches from a loved one each day.[15] Various other studies confirm that tender touch strengthens not only emotional health —communicating genuine acceptance, security, and comfort —but also physical health —increasing life span and aiding bone growth.

Meeting Her Needs Even When You Don’t Feel Like It

Josh stood in front of Gary in disbelief. “That sounds great. But the truth is, it’s tough for me to affirm and connect with Megan when she’d rather go to sleep, spend time with the kids, or have personal time. It’s a challenge when all I hear are comments such as, ‘Why can’t you take out the trash when I ask you?’ or ‘You never listen to me when I talk to you,’ or ‘I wish you were more romantic.’”

“You’re right,” Gary told Josh. “That is difficult. But love often requires that we do things that are not easy for us. God calls us to sacrifice for the sake of the other person. I suspect that if you started to meet Megan’s needs for affirmation and connection and affection, she would soften toward you.”

Family expert Gary Smalley tells of a husband who had a similar experience. His response to his wife brought a radical change:

A couple who constantly bickered decided to go a week without voicing any criticism. Each time either of them became irritated, they wrote it down and placed the “complaint” slip in a box. Saturday night finally arrived, and the husband decided to go first. He opened the box and began to read the dozens of little notes. His eyes reflected the hurt and disappointment in himself as he read her complaints. “You’ve been promising to fix the screen door for six months, and it’s still not fixed.” “You never put your socks in the dirty clothes.” “I’m getting sick and tired of having to pick up after you everywhere you go.”

Then it was her turn. She opened the box and pulled out the first slip of paper. She read it with a lump in her throat. The next note brought tears to her eyes. Picking up three more notes, she read them quickly and began to weep. Every note in the box read, “I love you.” “I love you.” “I love you.”

Like many husbands, you may have been fooled into thinking that one day your complaints would finally remold your wife into the perfect wife. But unconditional love and tenderness, not complaints, can transform a cranky opponent into a humble, loving partner. The importance of affirmation and verbalizing your feelings is invaluable. When you compliment her, thank her, hug her close, and brag about her —something happens inside of her. Affirming your wife opens her heart to you, connects her heart to yours, and then draws her body and sexual desire to you. Only after your hearts meet can your bodies meet.[16]

It sometimes takes work to give your wife the connection and affirmation she needs. It takes thought to give her the kind of touch that is meaningful to her. It takes courage to speak words of love for your wife —especially if she disappoints you. It takes sacrifice and wisdom to put her value above your own. It takes creativity to show your appreciation for her. In the busyness of life and the stress of keeping the family rolling along, it may be difficult, but it’s well worth it. Love your wife with all of your heart.

What Happens When a Wife’s Sex Needs Are Not Met?

What are the consequences if you do not meet your wife’s sex needs? When you do not make an effort to meet her needs, the price is more than just “no sex.” When a woman feels disconnected from her husband, she feels threatened and may react in a number of ways.

1. She may feel disappointed. When a woman feels disconnected from her husband, she doesn’t feel cared for, appreciated, or valued. She may go through the motions, but she feels empty. She certainly won’t initiate sex. Tamra experiences disappointment every time she asks her husband about his day but he never asks her about hers. “It’s a simple, polite thing to do,” she told us. “I know if I were his buddy, he wouldn’t treat me like that. He doesn’t connect to me, yet he expects me to connect physically with him. I don’t think so.”

2. She may feel rejected. The first three months of Nancy’s marriage were not what she expected. She anticipated togetherness, romance, and companionship, but her husband, Richard, was consumed by his job as a girls’ softball coach. Flattered by being in charge and by the attention he received from the girls at the ball diamond, he spent his energy on his job, not his wife. At one point, Nancy felt so lonely and excluded that she left for the evening and hid in a refreshment stand not far from the ball field, hoping her husband would come to look for her. He didn’t. Not only was his wife crushed, but their marriage suffered. They both paid a price for Richard’s unwillingness to meet his wife’s needs.

3. She may begin to doubt and mistrust. When a wife’s needs are not met, her imagination can run away with her. She may begin to doubt that her husband loves, desires, and appreciates her. When she doubts his feelings, she may then start to doubt his intentions. Once that happens, trust can erode.

4. She may see her husband as selfish. Janie told us, “I need Brad to show me as well as tell me he loves me. When he doesn’t do those little things —holding my hand in the car, kissing me while I’m cooking dinner, asking about my day —it tells me that he doesn’t care about me anymore. I begin to feel that he is just self-absorbed.” To protect herself, a wife may begin to justify her own selfishness. She may stop trying hard to be a good wife, concentrating more on being a good mother, daughter, employee, or friend. She may not care if meals are prepared every night, if the bathroom is cleaned, or if the laundry is done. She may not be as patient with her husband’s shortcomings. She may not dress up for him or initiate sex or respond to his advances.

5. She may become irritable and resentful. A wife whose needs are not met may be more defensive with her husband and blame him for problems. Brenda told us how even little bits of connection calm her: “Recently my husband and I were at a conference. I was in a bad mood for the first few days because the guys there got all his attention and focus. For instance, he would sit at a table with them and not save me a spot. It bugged me —and I took it out on him by becoming irritable. But one night while we were sitting at a general session, he put his hand on my back and rubbed it. My irritability vanished, and I calmed down. That’s all I needed.”

6. She may pull away sexually. A disappointed wife may distance herself from her husband, trying to protect herself, her emotions and sensitive spirit. She may rebuff his advances, offering excuses. Her resistance may escalate to saying no on a regular basis. If she does have sex, it may feel empty for her. This is the case for Vickie, who has been married for forty years. To the outside world her marriage would look like a satisfying one. She would disagree. The only time her husband touches her, for instance, is when he wants intercourse. This pattern has robbed her of any pleasure sexually. “The minute he touches me, I freeze. I feel like an object for sex, not someone he likes and enjoys being with.”

7. She may pull away emotionally. A wife whose needs are not met may disconnect or shut down emotionally. When Laurie came to Gary for counseling, she would open up about her heartache and weep openly, longing for things to get better. When nothing changed in her marriage —her husband continued to ignore her pleas for affirmation and connection —something changed within her. About a year later, she sat in Gary’s office with a stony face, no emotion, no tears. “I’m tired of pleading,” she said matter-of-factly. “I’m done.” The most distressing part was that at the root of everything was a simple solution: Her husband needed to affirm, touch, and connect with her.

8. She may try to punish her husband. It’s a sad reality, but when a wife becomes frustrated and upset enough, she may resort to punishment. Punishment will often come in the form of ignoring him or withdrawing emotionally, relationally, and physically. Or she may attempt to control and manipulate her husband through sex. When a wife has been hurt or rejected by her husband, when he does not affirm or connect with her, she may become desperate enough to try to hurt him by withholding sex.

9. She may look elsewhere to have her needs met. We’ve counseled hundreds of women who have strayed from their marriages. And almost every time, the reason was because their husbands stopped connecting with them —talking, touching, complimenting. So they reached outside the marriage and found men who did.

Most sexual affairs begin with an emotional connection —sharing personal information, seeing each other regularly, laughing together, sharing problems about their marriages, or flirting. Shirley Glass, author of Not “Just Friends,” reports that “82 percent of those who had affairs started out being social acquaintances, neighbors, or workplace colleagues with their future affair partners. They never imagined that their friends and coworkers would become co-conspirators in secret love trysts.”[17]

A continued close friendship with someone of the opposite sex very often becomes sexual —and threatening and painful to a marriage. Glass also reports, “Friendships that build on an emotional level before becoming sexualized are more apt to be experienced as a deep emotional attachment. In my clinical sample, 83 percent of women and 58 percent of men who had extramarital sexual intercourse said that they had a strong or extremely deep emotional attachment to the affair partner.”[18] People go where they’re appreciated.

One woman told us that when another man helped her put on her coat, his warm touch sent chills up her spine, making her sexually aroused. Another told us of how one man in her office always touched a certain place in her back to affirm her. She also became sexually aroused.

We once heard someone say, “The grass isn’t greener on the other side; it’s greener where it’s watered.” If you are not affirming and befriending your wife, who is? The reality is that a woman responds to the man who takes care of her heart. When a husband doesn’t give his wife the affirmation she needs, he leaves her heart wide open for another man to connect with her.

A woman responds to the man who takes care of her heart.

How to Meet Your Wife’s Sex Needs

The previous paragraphs are sober reminders of what can happen when a wife’s needs are not met. We encourage you to invest in your wife. Love her. Meet her needs —for her sake and for the sake of your marriage. How can you do that? Pick a few of the following suggestions, and begin the process of meeting your wife’s sex needs.

1. Be consistent. If you give affirmation only when your wife has done something right or performed well, you can actually cause more harm than good. Your wife will begin to feel as if your love is based on her performance. Instead, affirm her. Thank her for the things she does for you and the family. Welcome her advice and insight. Praise her attempts.

2. Affirm her “just because.” Randomly say “I love you.” Brag about your wife. A wife is deeply strengthened when she hears her husband express love and appreciation for her in front of others. Amanda told us, “The other day I heard my husband telling his mother what he loves about me. I felt so warmed by his love that later that night, when he was interested in some physical intimacy, I felt so confident in his love that I was interested too.”

3. Make her feel beautiful. Airbrushed images, magazine covers, movie stars, and models suggest that only certain body shapes are beautiful. Your wife needs to hear you tell her that she’s beautiful. When a wife feels confident about her body, she is more willing and eager to pursue and enjoy sex. Appearance (weight, body size, breast size) is a sensitive issue for women; it can make or break a great sex life. Never tease your wife about her body.

Sheila told us, “I was shocked when my husband looked at me during a movie in the theater and whispered, ‘You really are beautiful.’” If you think those kinds of thoughts about your wife, say it!

Some women have a difficult time accepting that their bodies are okay. Dani hated the way she looked. Ray felt that his wife’s self-consciousness was irrational, so he said to her every day, “You’re beautiful just the way you are.” He even purchased a handheld mirror and painted the words “I am beautiful” on the bottom. He placed the mirror next to her bathroom sink. He asked Dani, “Do you love me?”

“Yes, you know I do,” she said.

“Then I want you to pick up this mirror every time you come into the bathroom. I want you to look into it and read the words written on it. Even if you don’t believe them, I want you to say them aloud. I want you to know that’s what I think of you. I think you are beautiful —both inside and out.”

Dani begrudgingly agreed to his request. Every time she went into the bathroom, she held up the mirror and repeated the words “I am beautiful.” After a few weeks, she began to notice that she started to believe what she was saying. Not that she thought all of her was beautiful, but she started to notice that she had a nice smile. Then she began to like the way her hair sparkled with strands of silver. She decided that her breasts really weren’t all that small; they were “just enough.”

One day when Ray said, “You look beautiful,” she finally smiled and said, “How would my wonderful husband like to make love to his beautiful wife?”

Ray addressed his wife’s needs with persistence and love. And his choice paid off.

One man called in to our radio program and told us, “But I do think my wife is overweight and needs to lose some pounds. It’s not attractive to me at all. I struggle to become aroused.”

“That’s an issue you need to deal with too,” we challenged him. “Telling your wife that she needs to lose weight is the fastest way to make sure she doesn’t lose the weight, and it is sure to kill your sexual intimacy, which will then kill other parts of your relationship.”

If a wife knows or believes that her husband is not attracted to her —especially because of her insecurities about her body —she will disconnect from him. She will feel that his love for her is conditional. Part of a husband’s responsibility in loving his wife “as Christ loved the church” is to affirm and encourage her.[19]

If becoming aroused is the issue, then make love to your wife with the lights off. Change body positions. If a husband wants to help his wife become more physically pleasing, then he can offer suggestions such as, “I’m in the mood to take a walk. Want to come with me? That way you can tell me about your day.” It’s connecting to her without criticizing her shape. Another option is to start affirming what is beautiful to you —her smile, her eyes, her breasts, her hands, her laugh, the way she wears her hair. Encourage your wife. Pray for her.

Make a list of ten physical things you like about your wife. Next to each item in your list, indicate how you intend to praise her in that area. Then for the next week, practice affirming and encouraging her.

4. Learn what’s in her mind. For a woman, 99 percent of sex is in her mind. That’s where sexual interest —or disinterest —begins. If a woman feels drop-dead gorgeous (even if she’s not), she will perform sexually as if she is! Find out what your wife is battling: a friend’s betrayal, a dissatisfying job, a critical mother, an angry or distant child, a job loss, depression. When a husband finds out what’s going on inside his wife’s head, he is better able to encourage her.

5. Include her in your life. Lee is a huge hockey fan. Although Emma is not as interested in hockey, she goes to all the games with him. “It’s not really about the games,” she says. “It’s more about the fact that he asks me to go with him —and he really means it when he says he wants me with him. He could probably go with his brother and have a better time. But he chooses me. It puts me in his world.” Invite your wife into your work world too. Your job is an enormous part of your identity, and your wife wants to know what excites and challenges you about that world. Share your successes and failures with her. She isn’t asking so she can judge you; she’s asking because she genuinely wants to be part of your life.

6. Make eye contact. Look into her eyes when she talks, and hold her gaze. “When my husband catches my eye and holds it when we’re eating dinner,” says Cassie, “I get tingles. It’s as if the kids and their messes and noise don’t exist. It’s just the two of us.” Use your eyes to flirt with your wife.

7. Verbally affirm her during sex. When a man talks to his wife during sex, he communicates to her that he is mentally present. The strongest way to make that connection is to describe what she means to you and how much you appreciate her. To affirm her appearance, tell her that you’re enjoying her body. Then describe her body in beautiful ways. (Check out how Solomon described his beloved in the Old Testament book Song of Songs.) Tell her how you love looking into her eyes because they’re the window into her soul, and her soul is pure and beautiful. Tell her you love feeling her soft skin against yours. Tell her how shapely she is and that God gave her wonderful curves. Tell her she carries femininity better than any other woman you know. Tell her that you’d like to explore every nook and cranny of her body, just as an artist explores a masterpiece. Tell her that she smells good, that she tastes good, and that she feels good. Tell her she brings you pleasure; tell her what she’s doing right. Get excited over her attempts to please you sexually. Remember, women are responders, so if you tell her that you’re “into it” by affirming her, she’ll be more into it too.

8. Stay close afterward. After you have enjoyed each other physically, affirm and connect to your wife by staying close and cuddling. Don’t just roll over and say good night (“Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am”). Be tender. Bask together in the glow of making love in the way that only God could have created. Tell her how much you enjoy being married to her. She needs your verbal connection to bring closure.

9. Learn from her. Often a woman wants her husband to say something to connect with her after she’s been hurt, exhausted, or exasperated —and that doesn’t come automatically to most men. For example, when your wife feels hurt, you might be tempted to say, “You’re a tough woman. You’ll make it.” But your wife may need comfort, not a pep talk. How will you know what she needs? Learn to ask her. This may sound forced or unnatural, but say, “What do you need me to say right now?” Your wife can teach and help you. She may say, “Honey, just ask me if I’m okay” or “Give me sympathy” or “I just want you to hold me.” It may feel awkward at first to respond to what she says, but it’s better than guessing and getting it wrong. You can joke about it, but realize that asking your wife and learning from her can be transforming. She will be encouraged by your open spirit and your desire to connect to her in a way she needs and prefers.

10. Identify her need and preferences for touch. To identify your wife’s “touch tone,” ask yourself these questions:

• How does my wife express touch to me most often?

• What does she request from me the most?

• What does she complain about? (Does she complain when you touch her too much, too little, too sexually?)

• Learn when your wife prefers the nonsexual hug and the sexual hug. The nonsexual hug says, “Way to go,” “I’m proud of you,” “I like you a lot.” The sexual hug extends to erogenous zones and says, “You feel good. I’d like to explore more of you.” There is a time for the sexual hug and a time for the nonsexual hug. Learn when your wife needs and appreciates both kinds of touch.

11. Ask her how you are doing. One evening when we were getting ready for bed, Gary became uncharacteristically serious. “Barb, am I meeting your need for nonsexual touch?” he asked. “Do I touch you enough?” I confess, the first thought I had was to use this question to get every back rub, hand rub, and foot rub that I could out of this man, but then I quit feeding the bad dog in me and answered him, “Hey, you’re doing a great job.” Understanding that he wanted to connect with me in that way made me much more eager to connect with him in a sexual way.

12. If you’re confused, clarify. If you sense confusion in your marriage about nonsexual touch, then talk about it. Wives, you might say, “When you hugged me just now, I felt you were asking for more than just a hug. It felt like foreplay.” Husbands, you might ask, “What kind of nonsexual touch do you need?” A relationship breaks down when a couple defines nonsexual touch from two different vantage points. It’s better to ask and know exactly what your spouse is thinking than to try to read his or her mind, which can lead to conflict.

13. Schedule time for connection. Your wife needs a steady diet of appreciation, encouragement, “talk time,” nonsexual touch, and help around the house. She will receive those if you use a system of reminders that works best for you. Guys, that may mean you literally write “help with the housework” on your daily planner.

Here are some suggestions for helpful things you can do at various intervals:

• The first fifteen minutes you are together in the evening. When you get together in the evening —whether one or both of you have been out at a job —take the first few minutes to connect. How you connect will either help you feel glad you’re together again —or not. Avoid complaining and pointing out things that didn’t get done. Make each other feel happy to be together again. The first fifteen minutes set the tone for the whole evening.

Steve Stephens, author of 20 Surprisingly Simple Rules and Tools for a Great Marriage, calls his wife, Tami, before he leaves work every day to let her know when to expect him and to see if she needs him to pick up anything on the way home. It’s also to find out how everything is going. He writes, “When I call, I listen for Tami’s stress level. Some evenings all is well. At other times, I hear a tone of voice that says, ‘Get home as quick as you can because the kids are driving me crazy, and I’m not sure how much longer I can keep it together.’ Those are the nights I know Tami needs me either to bring home dinner or to take the kids out to McDonald’s or give her a break by watching the kids while she gets out of the house.”[20]

One night Steve came home, looked around at a messy living room, and said, “What have you been doing all day?” As soon as the tears formed in his wife’s eyes, he realized he’d messed up big time, so he told her, “Excuse me. Let me try this all over again.” He walked out of the house, drove around the block, and rang the doorbell again. When she answered, he put his arms around her, gave her a huge kiss, and said, “How could I be lucky enough to be married to the most beautiful girl in the whole world? I’ve missed you all day, and I am so glad to finally be home.” Go out of your way to connect to your wife when you are together again at the end of the day.[21]

• Every day. Check in with your wife during the day if that is possible. When you are home, set aside some time to be alone together and do something you both enjoy: taking a walk, watching a video, playing a game, cooking, or talking while holding hands. Touch your spouse lovingly at least five times a day. Kissing, hugging, and holding hands are all healthy touches. “Couples who connect physically in some way every day will have sex more often and enjoy more pleasure when they do,” write Clifford and Joyce Penner in A Married Guy’s Guide to Great Sex.

• Three times a week. Ask your wife, “How can I help you? How can I ease your stress level?” Ask what you can do around the house. You’ll really get her attention if you initiate helping with dishes or folding laundry. Taking on some of her commitments will lift a big load from her shoulders and free her energy to share sexually with you.

• Every weekend. Have a scheduled dinner with just the two of you. You can talk about anything except these three topics: children, finances, and hot-button issues. Instead, discuss what interests your wife. Be interested and interesting. And turn off the cell phone! (If you want ideas for discussion starters, see our book 40 Unforgettable Dates with Your Mate. We include ideas for five different levels of interaction, from “Dip Your Toes into the Water” to “Diving in Head First.”)

• Once a month. At this point, you may be wondering, Where is the schedule for sex? That’s a fair question! Talk to your wife and ask if the two of you can count on one evening per week for sexual time to enjoy each other’s bodies. Set aside a night once a month to try new ideas and add variety to your sex life.