CHAPTER 5
A HUSBAND’S TOP THREE SEX NEEDS
Everything okay, Jeff?” Frank asked his friend while they were playing a round of golf one Saturday afternoon.
“Hmm?” Jeff answered distractedly. “Yeah, fine.”
“Well, you’ve smacked that golf ball into every sand hole in this place. You’re playing a terrible game. What’s the matter? Annie not giving you any?”
Jeff sighed. “It’s a little difficult, considering her favorite word is no. We haven’t had sex in months.”
Taken aback, Frank muttered, “I was just joking, man. It’s really that bad?”
Jeff took another swing at the golf ball. “Yep.”
“Women,” Frank said.
“I just don’t get her,” Jeff said. “When we first got married, we were all over each other. We couldn’t get enough. Now, if I even touch her, she tenses up and acts like I’m some molester. She makes me feel like I’m a pervert.”
In the last chapter we discussed the top three sex needs for women: affirmation, connection, and nonsexual touch. Now let’s look at the three top sex needs of the nearly seven hundred men we surveyed: mutual satisfaction, connection, and responsiveness.
Do any of these surprise you? Women are often amazed that the number one need of the men surveyed is mutual satisfaction; they would have guessed the top need would have been sexual release. But the survey shows that although the physical act of sex is an important part of sexual intimacy for men, it is not the most important aspect. Men want fulfillment —for their wives, as well as for themselves. Note that one need —connection —is the number two need for both husbands and wives.
Just as the women’s top sex needs are interrelated, the men’s needs are also interconnected. They are all about relationship.
We’ll explore these three needs and offer suggestions about how to meet them.
Mutual Satisfaction
Discouraged by some of the things happening in his marriage, Brian arranged to talk with Gary. “I’ve never felt so alone,” Brian said.
“Why do you say that?” Gary responded.
“Paula and I used to make love all the time. Then we started to go for long periods without sex. Now we just don’t have it at all.”
“When was the last time?”
“Eight months ago,” Brian said.
“Why so long?”
“I don’t know,” Brian said. “For several months I waited for her to bring it up —to show some desire, that she missed having sex with me. When I finally mustered up the courage to ask her about it, she said, ‘I just don’t need it.’ When I told her I did, she said, ‘Well, I could lie there and let you do your thing.’”
“And did you do that?”
“For a while I did,” he said, sounding almost ashamed. “I needed a release. But it was awful —for both of us. I don’t want sex with Paula if she’s not into it too. I need to know she’s enjoying it as much as I am. I need to know that I’m pleasing her and that she’s interested in pleasing me.”
Brian is not alone in his frustration. A guy once told us his wife had told him, “If it weren’t for sex, I’d love being married.”
When we first started telling people about this book, many women said, “Five sex needs! I thought for men there was only one: Just do it!” Then when we informed them that our survey indicates that a man’s top three sex needs are mutual satisfaction, connection, and responsiveness, the women were pleasantly surprised. One woman commented, “This really helps me. Tad and I don’t talk about sex much, and I just assume that he is like most men I read about —ever eager for sex. Maybe his needs are deeper and more complex than I thought. I need to talk to him about this. Even if mutual satisfaction isn’t his number one need, I would feel so relieved to know that he is as concerned about my pleasure as he is about his own.”
Yes, men need a physical release. In fact, they not only want it, but they actually do need it. Testosterone builds in their systems, and they need to release it. Yes, they do think about sex a lot, but God also designed them with a strong desire to need their wives to enjoy the experience just as much as they do.
More than 67 percent of the men who responded to our survey listed mutual satisfaction as their top sex need. They indicated that they believe a good sexual relationship is one in which both husband and wife experience satisfaction during lovemaking.
A good sexual relationship is one in which both husband and wife experience satisfaction during lovemaking.
Many couples do experience this balanced sexual relationship. With a glow in her eyes, Penny told us, “During the thirty-six years of our marriage, Brad has always made my pleasure —my coming to orgasm —his first priority. I can’t remember a time when he insisted on his pleasure before mine. Not that I was always able to come to orgasm, but he is always so patient with me. I trust him and am deeply committed to his satisfaction too.”
Brad offered these comments: “When I know Penny is enjoying our lovemaking, I am one happy guy. In fact, I get intensely aroused when I sense she is responding. I feel so fulfilled when I know I can give her pleasure.” It’s not hard to imagine that Penny and Brad have a fulfilling sex life.
Men often find it difficult to express their needs and fears. Even though a husband’s behavior may suggest that he feels sex is all about him, on the inside he desperately desires to satisfy his wife just as much as he wants to feel satisfaction. That’s why a man feels threatened when he thinks his wife is dissatisfied with their sex life.
Sexual satisfaction is more than simply a physical release for a man. The purpose of mutually satisfying sex is not just orgasm but satisfaction through an emotional and spiritual connection. In his book Learning to Live with the Love of Your Life, e-Harmony founder Neil Clark Warren writes, “A satisfying sex life is not totally dependent on having orgasms. While only 29 percent of women reported always having orgasms during sex, compared to 75 percent of men, the percentage of women and men who find their sex life ‘extremely’ physically and emotionally satisfying is about the same —40 percent.”[22]
A man feels like a man when he can please his wife. Gary has found in his counseling that nearly half of a man’s self-image is locked up in his sexuality; in some men it may be closer to 90 percent! A man often thinks, Am I a good lover? Am I capable? Can I do it well? Thus any man who hears his wife say “I could lie there and let you do your thing” will hear an internal resounding no to those questions and will feel robbed of his self-esteem.
A man feels like a man when he can please his wife.
Author Shaunti Feldhahn writes, “One man [told me]: ‘Everyone thinks women are more emotional than men. And everyone thinks that when it comes to sex, guys just want to ‘do it,’ and women are more into the emotion and cuddling of it. So women think there are no emotions there. But there are, and when [wives] say no, [they] are messing with all those emotions.’”[23]
Wives, your husbands really want to give you pleasure. A friend of ours put it well: “All men like to think they are low-level superheroes. That doesn’t stop when they walk into the bedroom.” When a wife receives pleasure from her husband, he feels wanted. Their intimate sexual interludes affirm his masculinity. They say to him, “I love the things that make you a man.”
When Natalie heard us talk about a husband’s desire to please his wife, she responded defiantly, “Oh yeah? Then why does my husband reach orgasm, then roll over and go to sleep, never once worrying about my climax?” Although most men really want their wives to experience pleasurable orgasm, the unfortunate reality is that some husbands wrongly use their wives for sex. If a husband has sex just for the release, then the couple is probably experiencing other marital problems as well. Those men may be dealing with deeper internal issues. We’ll take a look at some of those in later chapters.
Connection
Steve was grilling burgers at their family’s barbecue when his wife, Brandy, walked past him on her way to set the picnic table. She brushed hard against him. “Oh, excuse me,” she said coyly. He looked up as she smiled and blew him a kiss.
A few hours later he glanced over at her while she was wiping ketchup off their son’s chin. She winked at him. I’m a fortunate man, he thought.
Still later that evening, after everyone had gone home and he and Brandy had cleaned up, Steve put the kids to bed and walked downstairs to the family room to watch some television. Brandy walked past him, leaned down, and kissed the top of his head.
“Hey,” he said as he reached up and grabbed her arm. “Sit down with me.”
“I can’t,” she said. “I just have a few more things to finish before I can relax.”
“Forget about that for now. I’ll help you later. Come sit down.”
“You promise you’ll help?” Brandy said.
“Cross my heart.”
“Okay, but if you don’t, you’re in big trouble.”
He smiled as she sat down and nestled against him to watch television.
Steve kept his promise and helped her finish some of the chores; then they went to bed and made love.
Nothing makes men feel closer to their wives than being physically and emotionally connected. That is why 66 percent of men ranked connection as a top sex need. Connecting inside the bedroom is pretty clear-cut; it’s sexual intercourse. Sex builds connection for a husband in the same way that talking and helping around the house build connection for a wife. It’s that simple.
Nothing makes men feel closer to their wives than being physically and emotionally connected.
But Steve and Brandy were both physically and emotionally connected. When Brandy pushed Steve in a playful manner earlier in the afternoon, when their eyes met, when she winked at him, when she kissed the top of his head, and when the day culminated in lovemaking, she connected with her husband.
Most of those connections are not big energy expenditures. But they do take some thought. What are the simple things wives can do to say “You are important to me” or “You are a priority” or “I love you”? Touching his arm. Rubbing his back. Squeezing his shoulder when you walk by. Playing footsie or rubbing knees under the table. Holding hands. Putting a hand on his knee while you’re in the car together. Meeting and holding his gaze. Blowing him a kiss. These are powerful ways a husband and wife connect. When a wife understands her husband’s physical needs —both inside and outside the bedroom —she tells him clearly that she wants to connect with him.
Like women, men desire to be understood, listened to, accepted, cared for, encouraged, and given attention. This kind of connection occurs when a wife seeks to learn what’s important to her husband: work, sports, his views, his often guarded emotions. When a wife connects to her husband in these ways, she shows not only the value she places on the relationship but also the value she sees in him.
One day last summer I (Gary) was watching a Cubs game. Barb had started to clean the house before our kids were to arrive for a visit, and she entered the family room and asked what I was watching. “The Cubs are playing. I want to catch the last two innings. I’ll help you get ready for the kids’ visit in a few minutes.”
“Just watch the game,” Barb told me. “I can pick up. I know you love the Cubs.”
I have to admit, I was surprised when Barb said that. I don’t usually mind helping her, but I really thought she wanted help right then. When she didn’t, it made me look forward to spending time with her. I felt as if she understood me, that she had connected with me. After the ball game, I went into the kitchen to help.
Barb stopped wiping the counter and looked at me. “I’ve noticed you’ve been charging pretty hard lately. In the midst of all your work commitments, are you finding time to relax?”
The question threw me. She noticed my stress and cared about my well-being. Again, I felt a connection to her.
“Would you like to take a walk?” she asked.
“Now?”
“Sure,” she said and dropped the cloth on the counter. “We can finish cleaning when we get back. Taking some time out is more important.”
Even though the house wasn’t completely cleaned and our kids were due to arrive soon, we took a break. As we went to our favorite walking path, Barb held my hand and asked questions about my work. When we sat on a bench, she rubbed my neck gently. I started to let down, inviting her into my thoughts. I shared how anxious I was feeling because of increasing work pressures. Barb listened with patience and concern, and we prayed. Then she suggested I take a half hour to relax when we returned home.
As we walked back to our house, I felt close to Barb. After the kids left that night, I couldn’t wait to feel my wife physically close to me —and since we had emotionally connected, she was eager! That night we experienced a physical culmination of the mental, emotional, and spiritual connection that happened earlier in the day.
What did Barb do to set the stage for the trust and security that led us to a meaningful time of sex? She connected to my need to wrap up a baseball game that was of no big consequence, and she honored my need just to unwind for a half hour. She entered my world, listened, touched me, and encouraged me. The physical oneness we experienced further celebrated our love for each other.
Now, we’re not suggesting that wives should allow their husbands to watch sports while they clean! At times Barb does need me to help right then, and I turn off the television and help. But in this particular situation, she recognized that I needed some downtime.
The reason why connection improves a couple’s sexual relationship is that it increases a husband’s emotional dependency on his wife. His attraction toward her will increase. He will laugh with her. He will find her idiosyncrasies attractive instead of annoying. He will accept her completely.
Openness and emotional trust keep people intimately united. Marriage therapist David Kantor says, “The raw sexuality and libido that come naturally with our biological inheritance are small and over time play a decreasing part in sexual intimacy. If that young desire is not replaced with deep sharing and receiving, then you really won’t have an intimate life. But every time we connect on a deep level, we feel a need for sexual intimacy. There is something about being known and being received that is fundamental to the experience of desire.”[24]
Openness and emotional trust keep people intimately united.
A study conducted by University of Washington psychologist and marriage researcher John Gottman found that emotional connection was the missing element in marriages that ended in divorce. Gottman and his team videotaped couples talking and interacting. At first the results seemed trivial —until the researchers noticed something: Couples were making bids —advances —for an emotional connection. Their responses to those bids determined the quality of their relationships. These emotional advances could come in the form of a question, a look, an affectionate touch on the arm, or any single expression that said, “I want to feel connected to you.”
Gottman’s research showed that husbands who eventually divorced ignored their wives’ emotional advances 82 percent of the time, compared to only 19 percent for men in stable marriages. Women who later divorced ignored their husbands’ emotional advances 50 percent of the time, while those who remained married disregarded only 14 percent of their husbands’ bids.
Gottman and his researchers found that a typical happy couple may make up to one hundred bids over the course of the dinner hour. Think about your own relationship. How often do you try to make a connection with your spouse? How often do you ignore or reject your spouse’s attempt to connect with you? According to Gottman, the satisfaction in your sex life is directly related to the frequency with which you initiate connection and respond to your spouse’s attempt to connect with you. Wives, your husbands will feel honored, valued, and drawn to you when you bid for their connection, or when you respond to their bids.[25]
Satisfaction in your sex life is directly related to the frequency with which you initiate connection and respond to your spouse’s attempt to connect with you.
Connecting to a husband’s emotions isn’t as easy as talking over a cup of tea with a girlfriend. Many men grow up with a sense that being strong and not showing emotion is the “masculine” thing to do. In his book Connecting with Your Husband, Gary Smalley writes, “When a male brain is saturated in testosterone, it doesn’t take much, even from well-meaning family members, to give a boy the message that emotions and feelings are only for girls.”[26]
Often men don’t have the wide range of emotions that women do because men weren’t reared to experience or express emotion. Once Gary’s older brother, Jack, inadvertently hit him above the eye with a baseball bat. Gary remembers his brother’s words: “Don’t cry, and don’t tell Mom!” His message? Don’t experience emotion, and don’t express it. Wives, although your husbands do experience emotion, they often express it in a way that doesn’t make sense to you. So be patient with them. They want to experience and express emotion, but they often do not know how to do so appropriately.
Sometimes the best way to unlock a husband’s emotions is through satisfying his physical needs for sex. Carrie told us, “I’ve been trying to connect to Phil’s world for years, but he shuts me out. He won’t let me in to what he’s thinking.” When men find themselves overly stressed, anxious, or facing loss, they crawl inside themselves for protection. They shut down to avoid conflict and talking. Yet doing the work to connect to what he is thinking and dreaming can bring a 180-degree change in him. And many times this happens through sex —the time when men let down their guard and allow themselves to become more vulnerable. We suggested to Carrie that rather than trying to force Phil to talk and share his feelings, she should focus on making herself available to him sexually, flirting with him, making sexual advances throughout the day.
Several weeks later, Carrie contacted us. “You aren’t going to believe this,” she said. “I did what you told me. I stopped prying and just began to focus on meeting Phil’s sexual needs. Last night, he suggested we go for a walk, and he really opened up. He talked about what’s going on at his job and how he feels as a result. We had one of the best conversations we’ve had in years.”
“So sex was his connection, huh?” we said, trying not to laugh. We definitely could believe what she told us. Sexual release helps men become emotionally open.
Sexual release helps men become emotionally open.
What can frustrate a wife is having her husband pursue sex with her when she feels disconnected, angry, or preoccupied. Several wives have asked us, “How can my husband want sex with me when we’re not connected?” The answer is this: A husband more easily connects with his wife through sex than by talking about emotions. He is more able to connect to her emotions and be sensitive once he feels safe and once his sexual needs are met. It’s important for a wife to understand that sex is her husband’s avenue to connection.
Wives, we want you to try an experiment. The next three times you have sex, set apart some time about thirty minutes after sex (if it isn’t in the middle of the night) to start a conversation with your husband and test the waters. Is he more responsive? Does he tend to connect more? Our hunch is that most of the time the answer will be yes. After sex, men go through a resolution time of wanting to rest and shut down. This is primarily rooted in the physiological release and the body’s desire to recuperate. But after thirty minutes or so, he is often very tender. Frustration diminishes, his mind will clear, and he may be more open to you.
Responsiveness
“Why doesn’t she ever want to have sex?” Caleb asked Gary. “I do what I can to meet her needs. I know her plate is full. Before we had kids, she responded to me. She loved making love, lying around on Saturday mornings, and being with me. Now it’s a big deal if I want to have sex. I’m not blind that she’s tired with work, the kids, and all she has going, but when can I expect her to respond to my needs?”
When a wife rejects her husband’s advances, he often interprets her lack of sexual response as “I don’t care about you” or “Your needs are not important.” Responsiveness is so important to husbands that nearly 63 percent of the men surveyed ranked it as a top sexual need.
When wives hear this, they usually ask us, “You mean I can never say ‘Not tonight’?” Not at all. There are undoubtedly times when having sex just isn’t going to work out. But it’s important to understand what a lack of response will communicate. When a wife turns down a sexual advance, her husband feels emotionally rejected. And deep down, men are extremely sensitive. Many people think women are the sensitive ones. Although that’s true, men are often even more sensitive, especially in the area of sex.
When a wife responds to her husband’s sexual need, he feels loved. But when she ignores or overtly rejects this need, he feels unwanted and unloved. He is hurt by her frustrated looks, halfhearted attempts, and complaints.
Sex is a man’s way of feeling close. When a wife rebuffs or ignores his sexual advances, she sends the message that she doesn’t want to be close to him. Some of you wives may be shaking your heads, thinking, That’s not what I mean when I don’t jump at every sexual touch or wink. You’re right. Even though your husband may know in his head that you don’t mean to communicate that message, in his heart he finds it difficult not to believe that.
Sex is a man’s way of feeling close.
One of the greatest threats to a husband’s sense of worth is his sexuality. After a wife says “Not tonight,” his mind may fill with irrational thoughts: She cares more about the kids than about me. I’m a waste of time to her. Her to-do list is more important to her than I am. Maybe I’m just a poor lover.
Most of you wives know the power of this kind of irrational thinking. You battle with it as well. When your husband makes a sexual advance and watches for your answer, he wants you to want him.
In his classic book Love Life for Every Married Couple, Ed Wheat writes, “The husband greatly desires response from his wife. She can give him this beautiful gift and delight his heart. However, judging from my mail and counseling appointments, many women do not understand how important, both physically and psychologically, the sexual relationship is to their husband. They do not seem to realize that their avoidance of sex or their lack of response will affect their entire marriage in the most negative way. To the indifferent wife I must give this caution: When there is no physical intimacy between you and your husband, whatever emotional and spiritual closeness you have had will tend to fade as well.”[27]
One of the greatest threats to a husband’s sense of worth is his sexuality.
No one explains the benefits of a wife’s sexual responsiveness better than Kevin Leman. In his excellent book Sheet Music, he writes:
A sexually fulfilled husband will do anything for you. Sex is such a basic need for men that when this area is well taken care of, they feel immense appreciation and act accordingly. A sexually fulfilled man drives to work thinking, I’m so glad I married that woman. I must be the happiest man alive! And then heads home thinking, What special thing can I do for my wife this evening?. . . Instead of resenting requests to stop by the store or take a look at a leaky faucet, a sexually fulfilled man will jump with eagerness. Instead of being cold and distant when you talk to him, he’s going to want to hear what you have to say.
Some wives reading this may be thinking, I tried that, and it didn’t work. You can’t just “try” this; it has to become a way of life. One good time of sex will make a man thankful —for a while. But if he’s turned down the next five times, he’ll think about the five rejections, not that one special night. . . .
A sexually fulfilled husband will feel good about himself. So much of who we are as men is tied into how our wives respond to us sexually. . . . [E]very healthy man wants to be his wife’s hero. . . . He may not be the top dog at work, he may not have the fastest car, . . . his hair may be falling out while his gut is getting bigger, but if his honey loves him enough to occasionally put a few scratches on his back in the heat of passion, he will still feel like the king of the world. Why? Because he can please his woman.[28]
Responding to your husband’s sexual advances will build his sexual confidence and make him more tender and attentive. He will become a confident lover who pleases you in mature, appropriate ways. Although a wife typically needs tenderness before sex, a husband often needs a sexual release to experience tenderness.
Although a wife typically needs tenderness before sex, a husband often needs a sexual release to experience tenderness.
“And remember,” writes Shaunti Feldhahn in her book For Women Only, “if you do respond physically but do it just to meet his needs without getting engaged, you’re not actually meeting his needs. In fact, you might as well send him out to clip the hedges. So enjoy God’s intimate gift, and make the most of it!”[29]
Husbands, allow us to offer a few insights about your wife’s responsiveness. First, remember that sexual responsiveness is different for men and women. Men can be ready for sex immediately. A wife could say, “Hey, want to —” and a husband could answer yes before she even finishes the question. No arm twisting with him! He is ready to go. Why? Because men think about sex regularly, which means they need no preparation time.
Women are different. They think about sex far less frequently, possibly as little as a few times a month. Those Hollywood tales in which women are hot to go in response to a seductive look? That’s all they are: Hollywood tales —written mostly by men who . . . think about sex many times a day. But when a husband suggests having sex with his wife, chances are that she was not thinking at all about sex that day. So she probably is not in the mood for a romp in the sack.
When a husband says, “Hey, honey, want to have sex?” this is often what happens in his wife’s mind: Hmm, she thinks, sex. Sex. I hadn’t thought about that. Let’s see, I still have to finish the dishes, Joe needs me to wash his football uniform for tomorrow, and I need to call Sally back to tell her I will bake cookies for tomorrow morning’s book club meeting. Sex. Yeah, that does sound pretty good.
By the time she is ready to tell her husband “Yes, I’d like that,” often he has already read her hesitancy as a no. He’s feeling rejected and starts to get impatient and frustrated. And before she can say yes, he gets ticked off.
Upset by her husband’s behavior, the wife’s thought is, Well, yeah, sex does sound good . . . but not with you. The husband blew it. He could have had sex, but because he failed to understand that it takes his wife longer to respond, he reacted negatively and reaped a self-fulfilling prophecy: He ain’t getting any sex tonight.[30]
Second, wives need to be treated with respect and honor. No wife wants to feel that her husband sees her as a sex object or that he is using her for his sexual pleasure. Sometimes what you hope will be a turn-on may be a turn-off to her. Learn what makes your wife feel cherished and safe.
Third, remember that although you can compartmentalize, set aside unresolved issues, and still have sex, it’s not that simple for your wife. Amanda sums it up well: “Sometimes when Dan wants to have sex, I’m not ready because I’m still bothered by things. If what I’m upset about involves Dan, then we need to clear the air before I can give myself to him. Even if what upsets me has nothing to do with him, it’s still really difficult for me to respond. I’m trying to learn not to make Dan suffer because I have unresolved stuff in my head, but I need his patience.”
Fourth, some women have trouble with sex. One woman wrote to us and said, “I’m not interested in having sex with my husband. If it were up to me, I could go the rest of my life not having sex. I love my husband, and I’ve prayed for God to give me an active sex drive, but it just isn’t happening.” A number of things could be happening in this woman’s life —or in her marriage —but two possibilities are that she has been hurt by past sexual abuses or that her body’s hormonal system may not be functioning normally. We treat both of those issues in later chapters. If your wife’s unresponsiveness is serious, the two of you may need to dig deeper. Your wife may need to see a physician. If she has suffered sexual hurt, then you may need to consider asking a Christian counselor to help you to find healing for those hurts.
Wives, allow us to offer a few insights for you as well. First, as we said in the previous paragraph, some women have trouble with sex. Kelly told us at a conference that she is reluctant to have sex because she rarely experiences orgasm. She mentally associates sex with feelings of frustration and disappointment. She asked, “Why would I respond if I know it won’t be sexually pleasing for me?” Kelly is not alone. In one study, the American Medical Association learned that 40 percent of women between the ages of 18 and 59 reported that they experience some sort of sexual dysfunction, leading them to a loss of desire to make love.[31]
If you aren’t experiencing orgasm, visit a physician who can test your adrenal system to determine if your body is sufficiently producing the hormones it needs. If testing reveals no physical reason for your inability to have an orgasm, then look at stresses, medications, past history of sexual pain or hurts, or other factors that could be affecting your body. See chapter 8 for a fuller discussion of these factors. The bottom line is many women have difficulty experiencing orgasm. But don’t accept that as your fate for life. Try to find some solutions that will enhance your sexual life —and your husband’s as a result.
Second, if you are battling negative attitudes about sex because of your upbringing or other sources, work to balance your perspective. Jasmine told us, “My mom and grandmother pounded into my head that sex was dirty. How do I take all that training from the women in my life and still become the sexy woman I know my husband wants? As soon as I get into the mood, those messages bounce around in my head, and I get turned off before I get started.” Our attitudes are shaped by many forces: peers, family, the media, and ads, to name a few. If you struggle with harmful attitudes, ask God for help. Allow the Bible to shape your attitude. Remember that God created the marriage relationship and sex —and called his creation good. If you need additional help balancing your attitude, talk to a trusted friend or a biblical counselor.
What Happens When a Husband’s Sex Needs Are Not Met?
In their book The Married Guy’s Guide to Great Sex, Christian sex therapists Clifford and Joyce Penner discuss what happens when men struggle with sex: “When a sexual struggle invades your relationship, it attacks your self-esteem —and your wife’s. As you feel worse about yourselves, both of you will respond with characteristic weaknesses. You may withdraw, become more aggressive, deliver put-downs, show frustration or anger, or otherwise damage your relationship. Sexual dilemmas have a way of perpetuating themselves. . . . Spouses avoid each other because they don’t want to fail again. When they finally do connect, both are anxious and feel pressure to succeed. The likelihood of success lessens, and the problem grows.”[32]
A few years ago a woman sent us this e-mail: “Last night, while lying in bed, my husband said, ‘Is it safe to say that I don’t turn you on and you have no desire to have sex with me?’ I had to be totally honest and say, ‘Yes, and I don’t know why. I wish it weren’t like this. It breaks my heart that we aren’t sexually on the same page.’”
A wife needs to understand that when she makes only a halfhearted effort to have sex with her husband, he hears these messages:
• “I’d rather be doing ten other things than making love to you right now. You’re just not worth my effort.”
• “You don’t do anything right.”
• “You don’t attract me the way you used to.”
When a husband receives those messages —whether or not they are what his wife intends —he feels rejected and reacts in several ways.
1. He may withdraw sexually and emotionally. When a man feels disrespected and disconnected, he may not verbalize it well. Instead he may withdraw. When a wife rejects her husband’s request for sex, it’s not that he feels the attempt failed; he feels that he’s a failure. A wife can say, “That’s not what I’m communicating.” Maybe so, but that’s how it feels to her husband. Even when she says no for a valid reason, rejection to a man spells one thing: rejection. And when the rejection happens often enough, he will shut down.
2. He may become angry and resentful. When a man’s need is unmet, he will try to fix it, control it, or change it. If he can’t, before he pulls away and goes elsewhere (to solitude or to another woman), he may grow frustrated and then angry. The frustration arises from being misunderstood, disrespected, or unheard. Unresolved anger then becomes bitterness or resentment, ultimately resulting in isolation.
He may express disappointment. He may not be able to say, “I feel disappointed,” but you can sense his disappointment. He may frown or pout. His anger may be passive-aggressive: not cooperating, not listening, avoiding contact, or coming home late from work with no phone call. Or his anger may come out through criticism or harsh comments.
One man wrote this sad story and sent it to us:
I have craved sexual fulfillment from my wife for thirty-four years. Sex has been a sore spot since the first week of marriage. For years I’ve asked and begged her for physical intimacy. Rarely has she responded. A few times when we made love, she seemed to receive pleasure from it, and a few times I felt satisfied, as if I’d rediscovered the woman I married. I’ve tried so hard not to need sex, and not to blame her. Hundreds of times I tried to wait until she wanted me, but she never did. Finally, about three years ago I gave up. It’s the only way I’ve had any peace about the sad condition of our marriage.
Last weekend I took her to our favorite bed-and-breakfast place. The first morning I mentioned making love. She said, “I probably can’t because of my back.” I accepted that; I really wasn’t surprised. But she halfheartedly participated in relieving me. The rest of the weekend I didn’t ask any more. As we were leaving, she expressed concern that we hadn’t made love. Then on the way home she brought it up again. I could feel myself becoming angry, and the more I thought about it, the madder I got. I wanted to say something to her, but I knew that if I accused her of being the reason we didn’t have sex, she would cry, and nothing would be done about our problem. I can’t stand this anymore.
Many of a man’s emotions go through the gate of anger. Fear, frustration, irritability, sadness, rejection, hurt —all are usually expressed through anger. This man, while expressing anger, was also experiencing all these other emotions. Pent-up anger eventually is manifested in isolation, resentment, bitterness, and depression. If a husband is expressing anger regarding sex, invariably this strong emotion is a secondary emotion, covering an emotion even more vulnerable.
3. He may become vulnerable to sexual temptation. Although a husband may not physically cheat on his wife, he may begin to fantasize or lust after other women. That’s what happened to Greg. During their eleven-year marriage, Greg’s wife, Kristi, rarely had sex with him, and when she did, she usually told him, “Let’s make this quick so I can go to sleep.”
“After several years of this,” Greg told Gary, “I began to think that this was just my lot in life and that I would need to learn to live with it. ‘I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength,’ right? But it’s not working out that way. My job requires that I work closely with several women, and they have expressed an interest in me. Until lately, I’ve never considered being unfaithful to my wife. But my wife’s rejection of me (which is not the way she sees it) has led to a fantasy life, and I’ve found myself drawn to other women who don’t think it would be so horrible to be intimate with me. I can’t believe I’m having these thoughts. But I just can’t shake them.”
The opportunity for sexual fulfillment outside marriage is constantly available to a man. Even though a husband is personally responsible for staying faithful and maintaining sexual boundaries, a wife’s behavior contributes to his vulnerability to temptation.
Even though a husband is personally responsible for staying faithful and maintaining sexual boundaries, a wife’s behavior contributes to his vulnerability to temptation.
Most men are used to seeing responses to their actions. Work brings a paycheck. Running breaks a sweat. Initiation leads to a response in many areas of his life. But when a wife rejects his initiation of sex, he becomes upset —sometimes passively, other times indirectly, and maybe even overtly.
In Making Sense of the Men in Your Life, Kevin Leman writes, “Wife, in the twenty-first century, sexual disinterest on your part is flat out dangerous. Maybe in the Garden of Eden, where sexual images didn’t abound, sexual apathy could be managed. But this isn’t the Garden of Eden, and your husband isn’t living in a pure world. If you want him to be faithful, the least you can do is never give him a reason to look elsewhere.”[33]
As a wife, you have great influence on your husband’s sex life. When you commit to fully engage with him before, during, and after sex, you help keep him fully focused on you.
How did you respond to the statements in the quiz? If you answered yes to the majority of the statements, you are likely connecting to your husband’s sexual needs —and others he may have. If you answered no to the majority, then learn to affirm the positive areas, be teachable on the ones you didn’t affirm, and ask God to give you eyes and an open heart for change.
How to Meet Your Husband’s Sex Needs
The previous paragraphs are reminders of what can happen when a husband’s needs are not met. We encourage you to invest in your husband. Love him. Meet his needs —for his sake and for the sake of your marriage. How can you do that? Pick a few of the following suggestions, and begin the process of meeting your husband’s sex needs.
1. Realize sex plays a major role in helping men process life. Sex has the miraculous ability to clear a man’s mind, helping him solve problems. Women often resolve problems by talking things out; men often solve problems when they have sex with their wives.
2. Say yes as often as possible. The fastest connection charger is to say yes to sex. Basically, if a wife gets only one thing from this chapter, it needs to be the importance of saying yes. If she wants to connect with her husband, the best way to do that is through sex.
3. If you must say no, don’t say it right away. When your husband wants to be involved sexually with you, don’t immediately close the door. Recognize it as a real need and consider that your positive response is one way you can love and serve your husband. Again, remember the apostle Paul’s words: “Love is patient and kind. . . . It does not demand its own way.”[34] Then, if you must say no, be prepared to do two things: Give an honest reason for the delay, and then suggest a time when you might be more ready to respond to his needs.
4. Decide to enjoy sex. Sex actually starts in the mind. You can choose to enjoy sex, or you can choose not to enjoy sex. Your decision becomes a trajectory for your relationship —inside and outside the bedroom. In a majority of couples we talk to, we find that women really do enjoy sex when they start out by choosing to enjoy it.
5. Help your spouse know how to please you. If your husband does not know how to please you, teach him. Men are not mind readers —especially in bed. The great myth is that men automatically know how to be great lovers. Where did this myth come from? Where do we think men learn these great secrets to passion? The junior high locker room? Not exactly the pinnacle of great knowledge. The movies? Again, not real life. Your husband needs to know what gives you pleasure. When you are making love, place your hand over his and lead him. Whisper in his ear what you would really like him to do. There is nothing embarrassing or shameful about that kind of communication.
6. Get over shyness. God designed us to be sexual, to be vulnerable. Wives, start to voice your needs. When you become more specific about what you desire in the bedroom, both of you will benefit. Trust us, a husband will not respond in disgust or outrage. Husbands, make sure that you do not misuse that trust. What you and your wife do is not something to share with your buddies. What happens in the bedroom is private.
7. Realize your husband’s emotions may not work like yours. A woman easily shifts from one emotion to another. For instance, if her husband doesn’t talk to her much, she may think, What did I do wrong this time? Is he sick of me? Do I make him do too much around the house? Does he think I’m fat and old? Maybe there’s someone at the office he finds more interesting and attractive. Women can go from point A to point Z in a matter of sixty seconds. Meanwhile, he’s thinking, I’m really tired. I can’t wait to watch that action movie tonight. Many men don’t think beyond the first emotion unless there’s a problem to be solved. They don’t usually overanalyze or go down the list of cause-and-effect. Wives will make progress in their marriages when they realize this truth.
8. Take the 10 percent challenge. Wives, what would happen if you responded sexually to your husband 10 percent more than you do now? When can you start applying this challenge? The next time your husband says something that sounds like this: “I was thinking, maybe we could hire a babysitter Saturday night and spend some time alone.” “I feel like turning in early tonight. Could we put the kids to bed now?” “We haven’t made love for a few weeks. Can we have some private time?”
Many women ask us, “Am I meeting his need if I respond a lot but not every time?” Yes, but really, that’s the wrong question. The number is not important. What matters is the nature of the response and the connection that happens when you and your husband work toward anticipation and sexual satisfaction. Even a small shift in your responsiveness can bring your husband much joy and improve your marriage.
9. Create a game plan. It may help to set up a game plan so that your husband will not take your hesitancy personally. The game plan can include the following aspects:
• If you must say no, be clear about the reason. If Anita is not sexually responsive to her husband’s advances, she’ll tell him why. It may be fatigue, fear the kids will overhear, or unresolved conflict. Instead of withdrawing, she communicates and graciously tells Tim what she is feeling. When he understands what she sees as obstacles, he is better able to work toward resolving the issue. Sometimes they are unable to settle a problem, and they agree to hold off on trying to connect sexually. But then they promise to try again in the next day or two.
• Know what to expect. When a wife is not able to respond, one of the best things she can do is to let her husband know when he can expect to have sex, whether it is later that night or the next day. That usually resolves the situation much better than saying, “I don’t feel like it” and going to sleep. Talk together about how many times a week you would like to have sex so that both of you know what the expectations are. Some of you may feel awkward about planning ahead for sex, as if putting it on the calendar makes it feel forced. Yet planning ahead works for many couples, taking the guesswork and conflict out of the situation and giving the couple rhythm and anticipation. If a husband knows he and his wife will have sex once per week (or three times a week or more), he can start enhancing the connection that leads to an enthusiastic response from his wife.
• Follow up on a promise for sex. If you must say no, make sure that your no is “not right now, but soon.” We received this e-mail message from Todd: “My wife and I are not intimate on a regular basis (once every month). We have been married almost eighteen years. I am honestly trying to meet her needs, but I have basically given up on chasing her to make love. Half the time she feels I am hounding her, and the other half she says ‘yes, but later.’ That would be great, if ‘later’ ever came.”
This is so important. Wives, follow through on your “later.” We know that sometimes “later” has to be changed too. But a healthy marriage is based on trust; your spouse should be able to trust that you will follow through on what you say. When “later” never comes, pretty soon your spouse will doubt your word —not only in the area of sex but in other areas as well.
• Know each other’s needs and sexual rhythms, and show empathy. “If I need to say no to Terry,” Robin explained, “I’d never just say no and leave it up to his imagination to guess why —especially because I know that when he’s disappointed, he always thinks the worst. Then I take his emotional pulse. I may ask him, ‘Is this a time when you really need it, no matter what?’ If his answer is yes (I can trust him to be honest with me), then I put aside my own needs and enjoy meeting his. I never engage in sex if I would be bitter or angry during or afterward. Or I will consider the last time we had sex; if more than two days have passed since then, I take his desire seriously. Or I will ask myself if our lovemaking would help him think clearer the next day or reduce his stress or help him fight the battle of purity better. Or I may ask him, ‘Is this just a bonus time?’ If it is and if I can’t change my attitude, then we plan to have sex another time.”