CHAPTER 6
A WIFE’S OTHER SEX NEEDS
In the previous two chapters we discussed the top three sex needs for both men and women. For all the differences men and women have, our survey suggests that husbands and wives essentially want the same things in their sex lives: relationship, intimacy, and fulfillment. The differences arise from the ways we pursue those needs: men through the physical act, women through emotional connection. In the next two chapters, we’ll look at the final top sex needs of men and women. You may be interested to see that these needs are interconnected as well.
The women in our survey indicated that their other two sex needs are spiritual intimacy and romance. How are these two needs connected? Both spiritual intimacy and romance are things you do outside the bedroom and that you do for and with your spouse. The result when both needs are fulfilled is an enhanced sex life.
Spiritual Intimacy
It was finally out. Through tears of frustration, Sharla told her husband, Jeremy, that she was miserable.
“What?” Jeremy asked her. “How can you be miserable? You have everything you could possibly need. You don’t have to work, I have a sizable income, we live in a great place, we take wonderful vacations, I’m faithful to you. What more do you want?”
“I constantly ask you to go to church with me, to pray with me, but you refuse.”
“That’s what this is about?” he asked, incredulous. “You’re miserable in our marriage because I don’t do the church thing? That’s just not me, Sharla. And anyway, I go with you sometimes.”
“But I have to beg you.”
“I just don’t feel comfortable there. Why can’t we just agree we have separate interests and leave it at that?”
A husband often does all he can to take care of his wife by providing for her, but sometimes he doesn’t tend her soul, her spirit, her innermost beliefs and passions. His spiritually starved wife would often trade all the vacations in the world for a little spiritual intimacy from her husband.
A husband often does all he can to take care of his wife by providing for her, but sometimes he doesn’t tend her soul, her spirit, her innermost beliefs and passions.
How is tending to your wife’s spiritual side a sexual need? Women all over the country tell us the same thing: “When my husband takes the lead spiritually, by praying, reading his Bible, or going to church, I am drawn to him on a deep level. It makes me feel so secure that I am eager to give myself fully to him.”
Women are so serious about spiritual intimacy with their husbands that 58 percent ranked it as a top sex need. If you think it’s just our survey respondents who feel spiritual things affect what goes on in the bedroom, take a look at a survey conducted by the National Marriage Project, located at Rutgers University. Prominent family experts David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead reexamined the institution of marriage in America. In 2001, Gallup collected the data for the National Marriage Project study, which included interviews from 1,003 adults who ranged in age from twenty to twenty-nine. The results indicate that emotional and spiritual connection rank far above other needs, including financial stability, in forming a romantic partnership. Nearly 81 percent of the women interviewed reported that it is more important to have a husband who can communicate about his deepest feelings than it is to have a husband who earns a good living. An overwhelming majority (94 percent) believe that a spouse should be a soul mate first and foremost.[35]
What does that information tell us? Women want men who can connect to the deepest part of them —the spiritual part.
In Making Love Last Forever, Gary Smalley writes about finding the power to keep loving: “Why is the spiritual journey so important? Marriage researchers are finding a correlation between one’s spiritual journey and one’s satisfaction in marriage. Howard Markman, Scott Stanley, and Susan Blumberg report that religion has a favorable impact on marriage. They write that religious couples ‘are less likely to divorce . . . show somewhat higher levels of satisfaction . . . lower levels of conflict about common issues . . . and higher levels of commitment.’”[36] Similarly, marriage expert Nick Stinnett found that one characteristic common to most happy marriages and families was an active, shared faith in God.[37]
Women want men who can connect to the deepest part of them —the spiritual part.
If you want to release deep passion in your wife, then get serious about connecting with her spiritually.
What Is Spiritual Intimacy?
You will experience deep spiritual intimacy when you have a mutual, heartfelt desire to be close to God, when you seek God’s direction for your marriage —even for your sex life. Spiritual intimacy means that in the midst of conflict, you honor and respect each other. You don’t put each other down in an attempt to win; you think about how God would want you to act in the situation. You become united together through prayer. You unite under biblical principles for your lives and marriage. You actively invite God into every aspect of your marriage, including sex.
A wife deeply desires to pursue God with her husband. She wants to have spiritual conversations, to read the Bible together, and to pray together. A wife is attracted to a husband when he provides spiritual leadership.
Your wife needs you to be her “soul protector.”
God designed the husband to be the spiritual leader in the marriage. And your wife really wants to see you succeed in that. When you spiritually lead your wife, she feels encouraged to trust you more. When a husband and wife build their marriage on the foundational commitment to pursue God above all, they are able to share fears, anxieties, joys, and dreams. They are free to experience transparent honesty, knowing that they love each other unconditionally and that neither will ever walk away.
How to Meet Your Wife’s Need for Spiritual Intimacy
Pick a few of the following suggestions, and begin the process of meeting your wife’s need for spiritual intimacy.
1. Ask your wife what she needs. The best way to start meeting your wife’s need is to ask her how she would like you to build spiritual intimacy with her. Don’t let her give general answers. Probe exactly what she means. If she says, “I want you to be the spiritual leader in our marriage,” ask her what that looks like to her on a daily, practical level. Then begin to follow her requests.
2. Be honest about your awkward feelings. In the Reader’s Digest article “How Honest Are Couples, Really?” the author reported the results of a poll showing that men wish they could talk about deeper matters than sports or money —but they don’t know how. Nearly a third of the men wished they could talk openly with their wives about spiritual matters. Marriage researcher John Gottman commented on this finding: “That really impressed me. It underscores the meaning of how we live, what we value. It’s hard for men to talk about that.”[38]
In a similar Canadian study, 42 percent of both husbands and wives wished they could talk openly with their spouses about spiritual matters. “This reinforces the notion that a lot of people today feel an emptiness with regard to spirituality and values and would like to talk to their partner about that,” says Sue Johnson, executive director of the Ottawa Couple and Family Institute.[39]
3. Talk about spiritual things. If you are uncomfortable talking about spiritual things, start slowly. One great way to start is for each of you to share the history of your spiritual life. Use the following questions to discover more about your partner’s faith:
• What did your parents believe about God, Jesus, church, prayer, and the Bible?
• How and where did you first learn about God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit? At what age?
• What questions about faith did you have as a child and teenager? Who gave you the answers?
• Did you memorize any Bible verses as a child? Which of those verses do you remember now?
• As a child, if you could have asked God any questions, what would they have been?
• If you could ask God any questions now, what would they be?
• When you were a child, did anyone you looked up to as a Christian disappoint you? If so, how has that influenced you as an adult?
• How have difficult times affected your faith?
• What has been the greatest spiritual experience of your life?
4. Pray for your wife. More than anything else —more than flowers, candy, candlelit dinners, or gifts —your wife needs you to be her “soul protector.” Pray for her throughout the day. Pray for her struggles and her dreams. Ask God to show you ways to meet her needs.
5. Pray with your wife. Praying together is probably the strongest knot that binds a couple. Praying together may feel uncomfortable in the beginning, so use these tips to minimize self-consciousness and make you aware of God’s presence in your life.
• Set aside time to pray together. It could be first thing in the morning or any other time of the day that works for you. If doing it daily seems like a stretch, pray together once a week, maybe on Sunday evening. If you are comfortable, pray together while taking a walk or driving in the car.
• Share prayer requests regularly. Informing each other of your needs is an important way to open your hearts to each other and to know where to start in meeting each other’s needs.
• Talk about how God has answered your prayers in the past.
• Start with a few minutes of silent prayer.
• When you are with your wife, put your arms around her and pray, “I ask God to bless you. I take your needs and present them to God for his direction. I am so grateful that you are my wife.”
• Pray out loud together for each other, for your marriage, and for your family.
• Pray the Bible together. Try reading the psalms as prayers.
• Buy a book of prayers, and pray them together.
• Read together our thirty-day devotional, Renewing Your Love, which offers daily topics to strengthen your marriage, questions to help you share with each other, and prayers to connect you spiritually.
6. Encourage your wife spiritually. To get started, complete these four statements together:
• You could help me grow in my faith by . . .
• I feel most comfortable praying with you when we . . .
• We could grow together in our faith if we . . .
• We could serve God together by . . . [40]
7. Become a spiritual sounding board. Tune in and listen to your wife. If she has a greater need to talk about spiritual things than you do, don’t be put off. Listen. Ask questions. Share your insights with her.
8. Focus on your wife’s spiritual strengths. When you see her make a difficult decision based on her convictions, affirm and encourage her. When you are drawn to God because of her, let her know.
9. Practice forgiveness. When you and your wife have an argument or when she has hurt or frustrated you in some way, know that any unresolved offense can block all kinds of intimacy —emotional, physical, and spiritual. When you sense a wall between you and your spouse, something is wrong. Take responsibility for your wrongs. Ask for forgiveness. And when your wife does the same, choose to forgive her. (If you need help in this area, we suggest our book Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage, a detailed look at how to resolve conflict in a marriage.)
Romance
The sex need that rated the fifth highest among women in our survey was romance. Nearly 53 percent of the women placed romance as a top sex need. We suspect that many of you men are thinking, Okay. Of all of my wife’s sex needs, this is the one I know the most about. This is where I’m the expert. I’m the love doctor.
Men, we hate to break this to you, but most women do not equate romance with sex. Several years ago we conducted a survey about how husbands and wives defined romance, and we found that men and women are quite different in this area. Of the husbands we surveyed, 50 percent said the most romantic thing their wife ever did for them involved sex, 25 percent said it involved food, and 25 percent said it involved doing something together. Of the women we surveyed, not one of them directly mentioned sex in their understanding of romance; most of them felt that romance resulted from spending quality time together.
A wife feels romanced when her husband does anything that shows he cares for her and thinks about her: special phone calls or notes, surprises, something out of the ordinary on an ordinary day. She feels romanced when her husband talks with her without distractions, when he holds her hand and kisses her every morning.
Romance is the bridge between love and sex, so when a wife’s need for romance is not met, she struggles to move toward sex. She views her husband more as preoccupied and distant than as her lover. Will she still agree to have sex? Probably. But it’s not as exciting or enjoyable for her as it could be.
Romance is the bridge between love and sex.
Gregory Godek, writer, speaker, husband, and incurable romantic, shares his passion for romance in his book 1001 Ways to Be Romantic. He says, “Romance creates a context within which sexuality can be given more meaning. Romance focuses sexuality toward a loving purpose: The growth of intimacy. Without romance, sex is just seduction. Without romance, sex can turn into an empty habit or dull duty. With romance, sex becomes connected to love. With romance, sex becomes about giving, not merely taking.”[41]
Many things can deter romance: misunderstandings, the distractions of home, work, kids, and life. But without frequent doses of romance, a sexual relationship will get boring and shrivel up. Romance is a must if you want your sexual intimacy to deepen.
Several years ago Dr. Phil surveyed 37,000 people and learned a lot about the importance of romance.
Not surprisingly, romance is central to our definition of love: Ninety-four percent respond that giving flowers, holding hands, or taking your partner for a night out are hallmarks of love (only 6 percent say those are signs of guilt or duty). Yet almost two-thirds also characterize mundane chores such as taking out the trash, bathing the kids, or doing the dishes as acts of love. What these actions say to your mate is, I want your life to be better, and I’ll make personal sacrifices to ensure that. Our respondents don’t appear to be materialistic or superficial. . . . Money isn’t a factor, and appearance doesn’t seem to matter, either —82 percent wouldn’t love their partners any less if he or she gained 100 pounds. Honesty, listening, giving, respect, and tenderness were words that those polled most clearly associate with love. . . . The core element of true love is that you feel like you belong; romantics call it having a soul mate.[42]
So what is romance? Love is a feeling; romance is love in action. Romance is something you do to express the love that you feel. How do you do that? The key is to know your wife. One wife commented that her husband thinks buying a card is a waste of three dollars, so she doesn’t buy him cards. But he gives her cards because he knows it gives her delight. Some women think of romance as a candlelit dinner at home, while others need to leave home for romance. Some women are bothered if their husbands spend money they don’t have, so they prefer a picnic at a park rather than a fancy meal. Romance must be tailored to your wife’s unique preferences.
Love is a feeling; romance is love in action.
One thing you can do is ask yourself this question: When I was dating my wife and trying to win her heart, what really got her attention? Men tend to stop thinking about those things once they get married. They feel that once they’ve won the girl, the work is done. From there on out, it’s easy sailing. But that simply isn’t true. A husband needs to realize that life’s responsibilities have a way of wearing down his wife. She needs him to romance her all over again.
When men hear the word romance, they often become intimidated. Two images pop into their heads: a dollar sign (money) and a clock ticking (time). They imagine they’ll have to spend a week thinking of what to do, a week planning the special event, and a week earning the money to pay for it! Some guys immediately shove the idea of romance off, thinking, That sappy, mushy stuff isn’t for me.
But the real reason many men feel intimidated by romance is because they fear rejection. Perhaps a man has asked his wife several times to reserve two Saturday nights a month as date nights, but every time she has an excuse: she’s tired, the kids need her, the house is a mess. Or a husband might give up romancing his wife because he’s afraid she won’t like his romance ideas. But allowing fear to have the upper hand will harm their desire for sexual intimacy. The passion will drain from the marriage, and apathy or resentment will grow.
What gets in the way of romance? When we surveyed couples about their ideas on romance, we asked them to tell us their biggest obstacle to romance. These are some of their responses:
• Busyness and fatigue
• Distractions —work, church, unresolved conflict
• Financial stress
• Disappointments —“I was thinking of dinner at a low-light, quiet restaurant; he was thinking of the pizza buffet at Village Pub.”
• Unwilling hearts
• Lack of creativity
• Chores left to do
• Indifference
How to Meet Your Wife’s Need for Romance
Husbands, we have good news. According to our survey, romancing your wife often means doing simple things that don’t require much time or money. One wife said, “It’s the little things that make me realize how much he cares for me.”
Pick a few of the following suggestions, and begin the process of meeting your wife’s need for romance.
1. Learn your wife’s love needs. What makes your wife feel cherished and deeply loved? Study her. Ask her what romance means to her and how you can meet that need. Then really listen to her answers.
2. Be tender. An important element of romance is tenderness. Hold her hand and caress it. Touch her face. Tenderly play with her hair. Remind her why you fell in love with her.
3. Show your wife that you care. Pay attention to what your wife likes. For instance, Alice likes to dress up when she and her husband go out, but her husband doesn’t. It means a lot to her when he takes a shower, smells good, and puts on nice clothes when they go out to eat.
Jennifer told us this story about how her husband made the effort to let her know he cared. “I used to travel a lot for work, and one night my flight home was cancelled. I knew the delay would threaten a deadline on an important project at work. I called my husband from the airport, and as soon as I heard his voice, I was in tears. I missed being home. I drove back to my hotel, and twenty minutes later I heard a knock on my door. A hotel staff member brought me my favorite ice cream —at my husband’s request.”
4. Remember days that are important to your wife. Fill your calendar or PDA with reminders for your wife’s birthday, significant anniversaries she would want to celebrate, Valentine’s Day, and any other days that are important to her. Then celebrate those days with a card, gift, flowers, a getaway —whatever is meaningful to your wife. If you’re not sure what she likes, ask her.
5. Surprise her. Women love to be surprised. You can do that in so many simple ways. Write a love message on a Post-it note, and put it on your bathroom mirror. Make her breakfast some morning. Give her a card for no other reason than to say “I was thinking about you.” Take home a treat she likes. Send her flowers at home or work. Give your wife an at-home spa experience. Run a hot bath with some of your wife’s favorite fragrance, place lit candles all around the bathroom, and tell her to relax for as long as she wants. Plan a date night, but don’t let your wife know where you are going. Ask her to be ready at a certain time, and let her know what kind of dress would be appropriate for the occasion. Then enjoy your night out together.
6. Occasionally make a splash. Judie told us this story. “After thirty years of marriage, we felt like we had done it all: weekends away, dinners and movies, sports games of all kinds, picnics, and walks. And being a woman over fifty, I wasn’t so excited to get into the same dress and go out for dinner. But my husband managed to do something to spin my head around! A week before our date, he told me, ‘You are my Cinderella, and I want you to feel like it.’ When I got home from work one night, on the bed was my Cinderella dress —an outfit he picked out and bought for me. He laid it on the bed as if there were a person in it! It was beautiful —my size and my favorite color. In our bedroom he had set a small table on which he placed some exquisite hors d’oeuvres he’d bought from my favorite bakery. He put some of our childhood photos on the table, and in the center he had placed a flower. After we ate the food, he said, ‘I want you to experience the magic of Cinderella, so we’re going to the Cinderella play.’ I really enjoyed the play, but the night wasn’t over yet. My husband announced that we were going to the Princess Castle and took me to my favorite restaurant. Not only did he make me feel young and beautiful, but he had thought through the outfit, the hors d’oeuvres, our photos, the play tickets, and my favorite restaurant. It’s so awesome to be loved like that!” Most of us can’t afford that kind of splash very often, but once in a while it’s good to make a memory.
7. Share secret “special somethings.” “Romance is something he does just for me —not for anyone else,” said Nikki. “For instance, he always taps out ‘I love you’ on my arm or shoulder when we’re in a crowd and can’t verbally say it. It reminds me that he’s thinking of me and loves me.” Another woman said, “When we’re in public or as I’m driving away from the house, my husband will hold up three fingers, which means ‘I love you.’” Create a secret code that only you and your wife share.
8. Get away. As family responsibilities and challenges mount, husbands and wives lose track of each other’s needs. Sometimes it takes getting away from the pressures at home to get to know your spouse again. Plan a night to be together. Go for a long drive in the country, and take roads you’ve never taken before. Enjoy the adventure. Leave town —without the kids! Take mini-vacations.
9. Shake things up a little. Instead of doing the normal dinner-and-a-movie date, go see a foreign film or some quirky independent film. Instead of eating a meal on the deck, throw a blanket in the backyard and eat PB and J sandwiches. Lie outside on a blanket and count the stars, then for each star, say something you adore about your wife.
10. If you think it, do it. In his article “Strategic Romance,” Jim Mueller writes, “If you have a romantic thought during the day, take action! Pick up the phone and make the dinner reservation; stop by the [card store] and pick up the card; call your wife and tell her ‘I love you.’ I’m on a first name basis with my florist. All I need to do is pick up the phone and put the order on my account —it doesn’t get easier than that.”[43]