CHAPTER 7

A HUSBAND’S OTHER SEX NEEDS

The final two sex needs that our male survey respondents listed are tied to a husband’s sense of worth. A man has a strong need for his wife to initiate sex and to affirm him.

Initiation

Mindy knew her husband, Eric, was having a rough week at work. An attorney in their small town, he’d been hired to represent a major client in a fraud case and was putting in long hours.

One evening when he arrived home, Mindy made him a cup of hot chocolate. Then she sat in front of him, slowly removed his shoes, and began to massage his feet.

“That feels good,” Eric said, closing his eyes.

“I know something else that will make you feel good,” Mindy said.

He opened one eye and looked at her. She raised her eyebrows and slowly moved his foot to rest between her breasts.

“I think I could be interested,” he said, putting down his hot chocolate.

Mindy stood, took Eric’s hand, and led him to the bedroom.

How did that make Eric feel? “I can’t tell you how much my wife’s gesture meant to me. When she initiated having sex, it was as if she were screaming to me, ‘I love you so much. I understand the pressure you’ve been under. I want to give you the gift of sex. I know how much that will please you and give you release. Let’s go enjoy each other’s bodies.’ Whew. What guy wouldn’t feel like a king after having his wife do that? Oh, and by the way, the sex was great!”

In an earlier chapter, when we discussed a husband’s need for his wife to respond, we said that her resistance to his sexual advances affects his confidence and his view of himself. If a wife’s responsiveness strengthens her husband’s self-esteem, think about what her initiating sex will say to him. The men who responded to our survey thought about what it would say. Nearly 61 percent of them ranked a wife’s initiation as a top sexual need.

Men enjoy spontaneity. That statement is so important for wives to understand that it bears repeating: Men love spontaneity. A husband needs his wife to initiate so he knows he’s not the only one who cares about their sex life. When she initiates sex, he realizes that she cares about his needs, loves him, and thinks about him. Her initiation allows him to take a break from initiating —and the fear of her lack of response —and enjoy a spontaneous sexual encounter. A wife’s initiation relieves him of the pressure of starting the process of sexual intimacy.

Men love spontaneity.

When a wife tells her husband how much she admires him or cares for him, his self-esteem is bolstered. But when she pursues him sexually, he feels on top of the world. He says to himself, She wants me. She wants me for a lover. He wants to shout to the world: “She still finds me attractive!”

And isn’t that what you want in your marriage —a husband who is joyful, deeply satisfied, protected, and completed? Fulfill your husband’s fantasy: to be desired and pursued by you. He doesn’t want some seductress on late-night TV. He wants you —his bride.

Fulfill your husband’s fantasy: to be desired and pursued by you.

Kevin Leman writes, “It is very emotionally fulfilling for a man to have a wife who is interested in him sexually. A man is external. If you want a man to feel wanted and needed, words won’t cut it; you need to pursue him sexually.”[45]

At a recent conference Suzanne told us, “If initiation is important to Greg, then I’ve been blind to this area in our marriage. I enjoy sex. I like to respond to him. A couple of times when we were alone at a business convention, I initiated sex, and it blew his socks off. He walked around with a twinkle in his eye that reminded me of our first year of marriage. But I thought it was a ‘vacation thing.’ Now I realize that I’m sending him the message that sex is important to me only if he wants it, not if I want him. I’m starting to see that he would really be honored if I set the stage for sex by flirting and drawing him in.”

Of all the sex needs, initiation seems to be the most difficult for many wives to practice. As we discussed in a previous chapter, most women don’t regularly think about sex, so it doesn’t occur to them to initiate something that isn’t on their minds. But when women do think about sex, many figure that being responsive is good enough. In fact, some women think initiation is more a luxury than a necessary part of marriage. Well, they’re wrong.

How to Meet Your Husband’s Need for Initiation

Wives, be willing to step out of your comfort zone and become a sexual initiator in your marriage. Here are some ideas to get you started in meeting your husband’s need for initiation.

1. Remember your husband is a sexual being. Honor your husband by taking seriously his need for sex with you. Consider it a joy and privilege to be the one God has chosen to satisfy those needs.

2. View yourself as a sexual being. “I consider myself a loving person. I love to cuddle, listen, and spend time with my husband,” says Dana. “I even love romance. But I don’t consider myself a sexual person. It takes effort to make me feel sexy; it doesn’t come naturally.” Although some women are more aware of their sexuality than others, most women do not often think on a sexual level. But when we ask women, “When you are rested, when your husband has connected to you emotionally and spiritually and you feel safe, do you feel sexy?” most women respond yes.

3. Refuse to buy into myths about sex. Women often believe that they must be in the mood to initiate sex. Here is how Clifford and Joyce Penner respond to that myth: “In real life, the more preparation, anticipation, talking, guiding and scheduling you put into your sexual times with each other, the better they likely will be. If you wait for some mysterious erotic energy to grab you before you have sex, you may not be having sex very often.”[46]

4. Keep sex vibrant in your marriage. Many women think there’s nothing they can do to increase or maintain their sexual desire —it just comes and goes. But remember something we’ve said elsewhere in this book: Sex begins in the mind. Start thinking about sex. Plan for it. Mark it on your private calendar. Initiate sex with your husband at least a couple of times each month. Save energy for sex. Pray about it, asking God to give you a desire to initiate with your husband.

The bonus of initiating is that it’s on your timetable. When you initiate, you can ramp up by mentally and emotionally preparing yourself —and adjusting your to-do list accordingly. Create a “code” with your husband to let him know you’re thinking about sex with him. For example, call or e-mail your husband during the day to say, “Tonight is our date night at 9:00.” Your husband knows that “date night” means you want to have sex with him, and 9:00 is his time with you, no matter what.

Then prepare in ways that make sense to you. Get some ideas from these tips adapted from a list by sex therapist Douglas Rosenau:

• Budget a certain amount of money for your sex life, and spend it on lingerie, new sheets, and nights or weekends away together.

• Every now and then wear a sexy piece of lingerie all day and allow its unusual feel to remind you of sex.

• At least once a month plan a sexual surprise in which you try to arouse your husband.

• Regardless of fatigue or low interest, initiate sex at least once a week.

• Have fun with your husband’s visual arousal, and let him see your nude body at unusual times just to enjoy his reactions.

• Take a bubble bath at the end of a tiring day. It’s a great aphrodisiac and tunes you in to your body.

• Allow yourself to enjoy sexual images of you and your husband. Then, within boundaries you both have agreed on, make the fantasies come true later that day.

• Use a special perfume that you have associated with making love, and wear it on the evening or the day you anticipate sexual activity.[47]

5. Pay attention to your body’s sexual responses. Ask God to help you recognize sexual thoughts and desires more. Even a flicker can be a great jumping-off point. Take advantage of your increased sexual urge during your hormonal cycle. A study published in Human Reproduction states: “Researchers speculate that a woman’s libido may rise during ovulation or that her sexual attractiveness to partners may increase. It could also be that intercourse accelerates ovulation.”[48]

6. Become more adventuresome. One of the biggest reasons women don’t initiate is because they are nervous and afraid. Their fears say, I don’t know what I’m doing. It will be awkward and embarrassing. He’ll laugh at me and reject me. He does it better; it’s not natural for me. Women who aren’t sexually adventurous like to stick with what works. But practice will make it more natural and less awkward. Stepping out on a limb to please your husband will demonstrate your love for him. Even if it’s awkward for you at first, your husband will feel honored and loved if you make the effort.

7. Ask your husband for advice. Outside of the bedroom, in the calm light of day, ask your husband for some specific things you can do to initiate sex with him. A husband dreams about his wife’s approaching him for sex, desiring him. Ask him what his ideal sexual experience would be —and how you would initiate it. Most men have fantasies of how their wives would initiate sex. Ask your husband what he’s always dreamed you would do to start making love to him. Marriage counselors David and Claudia Arp have a great idea called “Here’s What I Would Like!”[49] Have your husband make a list of what he would like you to do to initiate sex. Then categorize the items on his list, using the following rating system:

• It would be my pleasure!

• I’m hesitant about this one.

• I’m not at all comfortable doing that.

This will help you communicate with your husband about what you are willing or comfortable to do to initiate sex with him —but always stay open to working toward your husband’s dream (if it’s appropriate).

8. Practice. What’s the old cliché? If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Your husband is not going to laugh at you or reject you for breaking out of the routine to spice up your love life. Hardly. He’ll most likely cheer you on. (He might even offer to work overtime just to give you some extra money to buy what you need for times of initiation.)

Sex therapists say that the more a couple have sex, the more they enjoy it. The more they enjoy it, the more they do it. Part of getting it right is enjoying sex along the way. Have fun! It’s an adventure. Take the risk.

Affirmation

“I don’t understand why Josh is so withdrawn,” Lila told Gary during a counseling session. During the entire session, she had nothing good to say about her husband. Josh slumped in his chair, staring down at his hands in his lap. In his wife’s view he was unable to do anything right. Lila complained, “I honestly don’t get what his problem is.”

“How’s your sex life?” Gary asked her.

“What sex life? I’ve never had an orgasm with him. He just doesn’t turn me on. He’s not that good in the sex department. I thought all men were supposed to know what they’re doing.” She laughed bitterly. “Josh sure doesn’t,” she said, crossing her arms and glaring at him.

“I’m beginning to see the picture,” Gary said.

A smirk crossed Lila’s face, as if she expected Gary to agree with her assessment of her husband’s incompetence.

“Lila, when was the last time you said something nice to Josh?” Gary asked.

“What?” She looked a bit shocked.

“When was the last time you affirmed him?”

“What difference does that make?”

“It makes a lot of difference, Lila,” Gary told her. “As a wife you wield a tremendous amount of power over Josh and your marriage. How you choose to handle that power will determine the strength and enjoyment of your relationship.”

Every time Lila makes a derogatory comment about Josh’s sexuality, it is as if she takes an ice pick to his soul. Once a proud, efficient, loving, fun man, Josh has been worn down by his wife’s continual harping. Her behavior has caused him to doubt his self-worth, to withdraw, to become bitter toward her, and to stop meeting her needs altogether. His doubts about his worth and his sexual ability could begin to affect his work, his other relationships, his spiritual life, his faith.

Granted, Lila and Josh’s situation seems a bit extreme, but we have heard countless conversations in which husbands and wives had nothing good to say about each other. We can only assume that if they were not verbally affirming in public, they were also not affirming inside the bedroom.

Most wives may not realize how much power their words and attitudes carry: Words can tear down their husbands or build them up. If a wife wants her husband to be all God created him to be, she needs to affirm him in every way possible.

If a wife wants her husband to be all God created him to be, she needs to affirm him in every way possible.

Affirmation is so important to a husband that 55 percent of the men who responded to our survey rated it as a top sex need. What Lila and many wives responding like her do not understand is that a man’s self-esteem is often fragile —especially in the area of sex. He needs his wife —more than anyone else —to affirm his masculinity. If his wife doesn’t do it, who will? Anyone can affirm his job skills or intellect or sports ability. But only a wife can get to the most sensitive, deep, vulnerable, intimate part of a man. Only his wife can affirm him sexually.

If a man finds that no one at his workplace appreciates his skill, he may look for another job in which people value what he has to offer. If no one at church appreciates his spiritual gifts, he may look for another place where they will value his contribution. Similarly, if his wife doesn’t encourage, appreciate, and affirm her husband —especially his sexuality —he may look for someone else who will. A wife alone has the ability to make or break her husband in the vulnerable area of sexual ability. A wife is the one person who gets close enough to her husband to build or destroy him.

A wife is the one person who gets close enough to her husband to build or destroy him.

The woman in the Old Testament book of Song of Songs understood the importance of affirmation. Throughout the dialogue, she boasts of her beloved’s ability as a lover. Look at this passage as an example: “How handsome you are, my lover! Oh, how charming! . . . Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest is my lover among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste.”[50] Maybe you don’t feel comfortable using those words, but no husband will resist a woman who tells him, “You are an incredible lover. You turn me on. You satisfy me. I bet no other woman has a husband who satisfies her the way you satisfy me.”

Without hearing those kinds of affirming words, a husband can become insecure. Or worse, hearing negative words can cripple him. Troy told us, “My wife doesn’t like making love to me.”

“Why not?” we asked.

He paused for a moment, looking as if he were trying to decide whether or not to state the real reason. Finally he said, “She doesn’t like my sperm. She thinks sex is too messy. So she makes disgusted grunts when I have an orgasm, then makes a big production over having to clean up.”

Troy’s wife may not know it, but her actions are like a dagger to his spirit. Men take those comments and actions extremely personally. Did you notice that Troy said, “She doesn’t like my sperm”? That’s a part of him, something he cannot change. So he hears, You’re a loser. And he feels that his wife doesn’t love him, that he can’t win.

One woman asked us, “But what if my husband is not that good in bed?” If a wife has difficulty experiencing orgasm, if she does not feel the tingly sensations that come with foreplay, if she’s bored by sex, then she needs to communicate with her husband —but in an affirming, encouraging way. Blurting out “Just forget it. This isn’t working,” in the middle of sex is not the way to do it. Instead, say something like, “I love you, and I’m so attracted to you. I want to experience the best sex I can with you. I want you to make me scream out in passion. I’m just not there yet. Will you help me?”

That does several things. First, it says, I want you. Second, it respects a husband’s self-esteem. Third, it gives him a problem to fix. Remember, men love to fix things. And if a wife calls on her husband to help her “fix” her sexual response, he very likely will take on the role with seriousness.

How to Meet Your Husband’s Need for Affirmation

Wives, here are some ideas to get you started in meeting your husband’s need for affirmation.

1. Affirm him for who he is. Affirmation starts outside the bedroom. It’s a lifestyle, not a technique. Let your husband know that you value him. When you admire him, say it out loud. When he makes a decision that took courage, recognize it and commend him. Notice when he shows perseverance in his work, and say something about it. Help your husband know all the good things you see in him.

2. Affirm him for being a good lover. Tell your husband what you like about the way he loves you. Tell him what you like about his body. If you aren’t sure how to do this, ask your husband for advice: “I want to affirm you as a lover, but I want to do it right. How can I best tell or show you what a great lover I think you are?” We can guarantee that not one man will rebuff such a question!

3. Practice the Golden Rule. This is one place where the Golden Rule works well. Treat your husband the way you would want him to treat you. Talk to (and about) him the way you would want him to talk to (and about) you. It’s that simple. Become lavish with your praise and admiration.

4. Understand that for men, body image does matter. A man’s body image is important to him. As men age, their bodies change. Their muscle tone diminishes, they begin to lose their hair, and they have a harder time staying in shape. A husband loves to hear that his wife is impressed and turned on by looking at his body, by holding or fondling him. Since a wife is typically not stimulated visually, she probably is not that aroused by viewing her husband’s body. But a husband needs to know that his wife likes what she sees, that he’s “got what it takes” to be her one and only. This may be a stretch for some women, but when a wife makes an affirming comment about her husband’s body, his confidence soars.