CHAPTER 8

WHEN YOUR LIBIDOS DON’T MATCH

Throughout this book we have shared stories of couples who’ve had problems in their marriages because the sex drives of the husbands and wives were not always on the same level. In most situations, the husband’s drive is stronger than his wife’s. We’ve offered suggestions for how couples can change their attitudes and behavior and can grow in their ability to love and serve each other in ways that will bring balance and satisfaction to their sex lives.

Sometimes, though, we need to look beyond attitudes and behavior to other factors that can contribute to sexual problems. When God created males and females, he gave them a physiological drive to have sex with each other, to procreate. Our bodies’ vehicles for regulating and arousing that sex drive are hormones, which differ in male and female bodies. Typically male bodies have more testosterone —the arousal hormone —which moves consistently through their systems. Female bodies also have testosterone, but not as much. As a result, females usually do not have the same level of desire for sexual release as males do. That’s not good or bad; it’s simply different. Because of the different levels of testosterone, the male is usually the initiator in sexual activity; the female is usually the responder. It’s another way in which God made males and females to complement each other, to work together to form a whole.

Understanding the Power of Testosterone

As testosterone builds physiologically in a male’s body, his anticipation of sexual connection also grows. It’s as if a husband’s body goes through a car wash in which every few minutes testosterone washes over his system. He can’t stop that from happening any more than he can stop breathing.

Gary Stewart and Timothy Demy, authors of Winning the Marriage Marathon, offer insight about the impact of testosterone on a male body:

Men have ten times as much testosterone as women. This fact often makes the behavior of many men very confusing to women. The male sex drive is fueled by a hormone that turns the most mild-mannered man into quite the aggressive sort when confined in a quiet locale with the wife of his dreams. Testosterone is like an unstable bottle of nitroglycerin. Bump it and it could explode; mix it with the right ingredients and a chemical reaction is sure to ensue. Women are often bewildered by the way their men can wake up in the morning, gaze at their wife beside them, whose breath is less than desirable and whose hair is more than a little disheveled, and still be sexually stimulated. The pure and simple fact is that testosterone builds while the body rests: Testosterone is at its highest level at sunrise.[51]

In his book The Sexual Man, Archibald Hart makes similar observations: “Immediately after being sexually satisfied, the normal male may be able to focus elsewhere —for a while. But it is just a matter of time before his thoughts lead him back to sex. . . . Sure, the average man thinks of other things, like football and politics, but eventually all mental roads lead back to one central fixation: Sex. . . . Strong, urgent, forceful, and impatient, the sex drive dominates the mind and body of every healthy male. Like it or not, that’s the way it is.”[52]

Men were designed to need sexual release. Every man has a sexual rhythm, the amount of time he can go between wanting a physical release. That sexual rhythm is much like any other body rhythm, such as the rhythm of when our bodies need food. All of us have eating rhythms. Yours may be like Gary’s. Every morning at about ten o’clock (usually in the middle of a meeting!), his stomach begins to growl, and he knows he needs to eat. What if he grabbed a breakfast bar and Barb said disapprovingly, “You just ate yesterday. Eating is all you think about. What a one-track mind.” Would she be right? No. Eating is something God designed us to do regularly. Our bodies tell us it’s time to eat. What if after Barb chided Gary, he put down the bar and didn’t eat? How long do you think he would last before he grabbed not only the breakfast bar but also a sandwich, chips, an ice-cream sundae, a slice of pizza —then leftover Chinese food, week-old chili, and a spoonful of peanut butter? Don’t laugh! Dieters do it all the time! It’s called bingeing. And usually the food we binge on isn’t the most healthy for us.

Wives, your husbands need to release the buildup of testosterone. If they don’t have sex, their bodies will release testosterone through “wet dreams,” or nocturnal emissions. But sex is much more enjoyable. If husbands don’t get that release from their wives, they can last for a while. They may show irritability, frustration, isolation, but eventually they may binge and do something that both of you regret.

We’ve heard countless women say, “That’s not my problem. It’s my husband’s responsibility to stay faithful in this marriage.” We do not deny that is true. But think about this for a moment. God created the covenant of marriage, in which one man and one woman stay connected with each other for a lifetime. That means a wife is her husband’s only God-honoring sexual outlet. What does she communicate if she denies him that outlet? “I won’t give to you, but I expect you to stay faithful to me.” Do you see how unfair and cruel that is?

A wife is her husband’s only God-honoring sexual outlet.

Wives, when your husbands approach you for sex, think about what he is saying about you! He desires you. He wants to become vulnerable with you. He wants to share the most intimate relationship a person can have with you. Respect his need for you. Encourage him. The worst thing you can do is to shame your husband or say, “All you care about is sex.” Love him sacrificially, even if you are not always in the mood.

In their excellent book When Two Become One, Christian sex therapist Christopher McCluskey and his wife, Rachel, both life coaches, offer these words: “Consenting to lovemaking at these times should be different [from] just ‘going through the motions.’ Even though your libido may not be revved up, you can still be an active participant in loving your husband; don’t dutifully give him your body while your heart and mind check out. Some of what he may need is the emotional connection with you that he finds easiest to make during lovemaking. When he gives himself to sexual enjoyment, you are seeing your husband at his most vulnerable and transparent.”[53]

Even though many wives do not feel the “need” for sex as often as their husbands do, most women say that when they give physically to their husbands, they enjoy the sexual experience and their husbands become more emotionally present for them. When a husband and wife get aroused and have orgasms, they enjoy the experience. That’s the way God designed it!

Orgasms themselves are very beneficial. Christian sex therapist Shay Roop offers nine reasons why orgasms are good for you:

1. Orgasms boost your mood. They increase your serotonin and endorphin levels, those “feel good” brain chemicals.

2. Orgasms help you relax. Climaxing releases oxytocin, a relaxing/bonding chemical in the brain that reduces stress.

3. Orgasms chase away the sniffles. They boost your immune system by increasing lymphocytes that fight infection.

4. Orgasms tone your muscles. Yes, this is true! Especially a woman’s pelvic floor, which controls the flow of urine and is involved in childbirth.

5. Orgasms maintain estrogen levels. Estrogen has numerous functions, including keeping skin supple and elastic, protecting bones, and improving memory and mood.

6. Orgasms increase desire. Climaxing increases testosterone levels. What you don’t use, you lose.

7. Orgasms prevent soreness. They flush lactic acid and other waste products from your muscles, which keeps them healthy and free from cramps.

8. Orgasms relieve sexual tension. Having our sexual needs met by our spouses guards against a “wandering eye.”

9. Orgasms get you closer. It’s the ultimate physical union you can share with your spouse.[54]

When Sex Drives Differ Significantly

Most of you who have been married for a number of years know that your sex drives fluctuate. That often means that at certain times in your marriage, one of you has a higher sex drive than the other. This can cause conflict because one spouse wants to have sex, but the other does not always share the same level of eagerness. We hear countless stories from husbands and wives whose marriages are troubled because of conflict over how often they have sex.

As we’ve already said many times in this book, husbands generally have the more active sex drive because of their higher testosterone levels. But that is not always the case. Some experts indicate that in up to 30 percent of the marriages they surveyed, the wife had the higher sex drive.[55]

What accounts for these differences, and how do you handle them in your marriage? What can you do if you have a diminished sex drive? Before we answer those questions, we’d like to share two stories with you.

Nineteen years into her marriage, Ellie hit a wall. She and Jerry had always enjoyed sex, and even though she was struggling with a chronic illness, they made love a few times a week. But she felt as if her sex drive was in neutral. She lost interest in sex, and it began to affect their marriage. When Jerry would suggest that they make love, she would find an excuse. As is the case with many couples, the spouse with the lower libido dictates the amount, time, and circumstances of lovemaking. Ellie knew that making excuses wasn’t the right thing to do, and she blamed herself for not being eager to enjoy sex with her husband.

When Ellie talked with her female internist about her low libido, the physician shrugged it off and told Ellie not to worry. “Worrying only makes it worse.” Several months later, Ellie discussed the issue with her gynecologist, also a woman, and asked if the physician would check her hormone levels. The gynecologist replied, “That’s not necessary. Sexual responsiveness is all a matter of the mind. Go to a bookstore and buy some erotic books. That will help.” Ellie left the appointment frustrated. Not only did she disagree with the gynecologist’s advice, but she was also irritated that the two physicians had been so dismissive.

Several years later, Ellie went to a naturopathic clinic for some treatment for her chronic illness. In the course of the intake appointment, Ellie mentioned her low libido. This time the doctor ordered tests to determine her body’s hormone production, and the results were significant in addressing Ellie’s concerns. The doctor reported, “It’s very understandable that you have a low sex drive. The tests that we ran on your adrenal system indicate that it has nearly shut down. Not only are your levels of progesterone and testosterone very low, but the precursors to these hormones are also very low. We can help you.”

Ellie was so relieved. She didn’t need to blame herself. It wasn’t her fault that she couldn’t get aroused as often as she and Jerry would have liked. The doctor gave Ellie bioidentical hormones, which over time balanced her adrenal system and not only helped her chronic illness but also improved her sex drive. It’s sad that Ellie spent so many years discouraged, blaming herself for something that had a physiological origin.

Gary had a similar experience. Several years ago, after a surgery that affected Barb’s hormone levels, she sought treatment from an internist who specializes in hormone-replacement therapy. The hormone treatments were going so well that Barb began to explain to the physician some of the worrisome symptoms she’d noticed in Gary: fatigue, inability to concentrate, lack of motivation, and others.

The physician said, “From the sounds of it, I think something is amiss with Gary’s adrenal system.” So Barb began to pray that Gary would agree to meet with the physician and get tested. She told Gary that she loved him and wanted the best for him, and she encouraged him to meet with her physician.

Gary reluctantly agreed. When the doctor talked with Gary about the test results, she said, “Gary, you have some major problems, but I can help you. I’m not going to turn you back into a twenty-five-year-old, but your body will have what it needs to function more normally again.” Over time she was able to replenish his diminishing hormone levels. Gary feels great and has regained a general sense of well-being.

Factors That Affect Your Sex Drive

These two stories illustrate several factors that influence husbands’ and wives’ sex drives.

1. Hormone imbalance. Both Ellie’s body and Gary’s were not producing adequate levels of certain hormones. Our bodies are fearfully and wonderfully made, and hidden depletions can cause large-scale physical imbalances that can affect your sex drive —and your marriage. If you suspect you have an imbalance, get help. You may need to persist until you find someone who will test your hormones, as Ellie found. But the persistence is worth it. Don’t use hormone substances without your doctor’s involvement; hormones function in a delicate balance that should be monitored by a physician. Many times, sex is the last thing that prompts a man to recognize a hormonal imbalance. It’s usually several other factors, as it was for Gary.

2. Illness. In Ellie’s case a chronic illness contributed to her low adrenal function, which led to a low libido. Our bodies are intricately made, and what is happening in one part of the body affects many other parts as well. Spouses who lack sexual interest may also suffer from thyroid imbalance, an onset of diabetes, heart disease, hardening of the arteries, or many other illnesses. These definitely need the attention of medical professionals. Physicians can use blood tests and other diagnostic tools to detect conditions that may affect your libido.

If your spouse is ill, you and your marriage have a special challenge. The ill person needs to do everything he or she can do to regain health, and the other spouse needs to find ways to support the ill husband or wife and make allowance for the illness. Jim and Sarah share some insights from their experience coping with Sarah’s debilitating immune-system illness.

“Jim is sensitive to my illness and has backed off from initiating sexual contact, which was good at first because it relieved some of the pressure for me. But now it’s up to me to initiate when I feel well enough. . . . I want to bring Jim pleasure, but it is such hard work [because I am so debilitated]. I decided this was as much a spiritual problem as a physical, sexual one, so I have prayed and asked for guidance. Many times in marriage the Lord has enabled me to lay down my body for my husband or our children, and I asked the Lord to help me truly minister to Jim in our sexual experience. . . . Slowly I am learning to initiate times of intimacy, even when my own sex drive seems nonexistent. As a result of trusting God and choosing to minister to Jim, we have experienced times of deep closeness, pleasure, and peace. . . .”

Jim . . . concurs, “God has helped Sarah and me to find a path through our sexual struggles. I found it was important to confess my anger and frustration to God and ask for help. And he has been faithful. I think it’s also important to be aware that while a husband and wife are redefining their sexual lives because of illness, they are on guard not even to get close to any situation in which they could be tempted. We can respect our spouse’s limitations and our marriage by choosing not to use the illness as an excuse for infidelity of mind or body.”[56]

3. Medications. Ellie also found that several medications she was taking for her illness affected her libido. That may be a factor for you as well. Some medications that are commonly known to affect libido include certain antidepressants, certain medications used to lower blood pressure, some cholesterol-reducing medications, and many others. If you think your medications may be a factor in your sex drive, talk with your doctor. One woman expressed real pain about her husband’s lack of sexual interest: “Because my husband is on medications that decrease his libido to almost zero, I often feel unwanted. My already unstable body image crumbles when my husband has no desire for me. I naturally assume it is me or my body that turns him off. Even though I know the meds are the culprit, I can’t help but feel undesirable, especially when I ask for sex and he won’t give.” If you identify with this couple’s experience, be patient with each other but also work toward finding “a path through your sexual struggles,” as Jim put it.

4. Stress. We all face stresses, whether they come from our jobs, the challenges of caring for a family, conflict, or any number of other areas. Stresses can be physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. These stresses, which are part of our modern lifestyle, can deplete our bodies in ways that affect our hormone levels, which can profoundly lower our sexual responses. Gary realized that his hormone depletion stemmed in part from a stressful period after his father’s death, a time that demanded a lot from him personally and professionally.

Recognize that stress can interfere with your sex drive. Take care of your body, mind, and spirit. Get exercise. Build margin into your life, taking time for refreshment and replenishment. Meditate on Scripture. If stress is a serious threat to your sex life, seek professional counseling.

5. Depression. Sometimes a lack of sexual interest can be the result of depression, which can deplete hormones. Men and women handle depression differently. Men often don’t recognize or understand it, and because they aren’t as comfortable as women are talking about feelings and emotions, the depression can go undiagnosed for years. Here again, if depression is a possible factor, contact a physician who can diagnose and treat it. As we mentioned, some antidepressants can suppress your libido, so talk over your options with your physician.

6. Age. Fluctuation in your sex drive may be the result of age. Most males reach a sexual peak during their late teens and twenties, while females commonly reach their peak a decade or two later. That factor alone can account for mismatched libidos and relationship frustration. Extend grace to yourself and each other. Recognize that age affects your sex drives and learn to adjust your expectations.

7. Pregnancy and childbirth. The hormonal changes related to pregnancy and childbirth can also affect sexual desire. Nursing mothers’ hormones, including those that influence sex drive, fluctuate through the months of nursing, and a mother’s limited enthusiasm for sex can effectively cool her husband’s desire as well.

8. Unresolved conflict. Sometimes a lowered sex drive is the result of emotional issues, and conflict heads the list of emotional factors that can diminish the sex drive. When husbands and wives argue and have conflict, it’s hard for them to turn off their feelings and hop into bed. Or they may try to fight back by withholding sex because they are upset about money, the kids, or any number of other issues.

In our book Healing the Hurt in Your Marriage, we help couples recognize the “open loops” —the unresolved conflicts —that affect their relationships. These conflicts result from the offenses that blindside us, the anger that kicks in when our spouses wound us, or the arguments that don’t seem to stop. When conflict is unresolved in a marriage, spouses may try to avoid sex.

When conflict is unresolved in a marriage, spouses may try to avoid sex.

Husbands and wives often deal with these conflicts differently. In many cases wives will sort through their pain and resolve it through the connection with their husbands. Women will talk about the conflict, feel it, express it, and get to the other side. At other times wives may feel so wounded by a conflict that they withdraw from their husbands and are not open to sexual contact. Husbands often find it harder to process a conflict and get to the other side. When there is an open loop, they often become frustrated and angry, and will spend energy trying to “fix” or solve the conflict. When that doesn’t work, they withdraw and become isolated, internalizing the anger. Eventually the suppressed anger results in ulcers, headaches, stress, and even depression.

Our friends Jim and Carol Anderson-Shores have conducted dramas at events where we have spoken. They perform one sketch that effectively illustrates this scenario. Carol is brewing up emotion over losing a research card for a report she is writing. Jim, who beforehand wanted to connect to her, loses interest in connecting to her as he begins to assimilate her anxiety, stress, and frustration. She vents, he personalizes. She rants, he tries to fix it. And when she finds the card, she wants a kiss, and he rejects her. When she asks, “Why are you rejecting me?” he answers, “I don’t know, but when I figure it out, I will tell you.” Perfect illustration. In the drama, Jim is demonstrating his lack of awareness of the unresolved conflict and can’t shift gears as quickly as Carol. He just knows “something is wrong.”

Spouses wounded by conflict find it hard to engage in sex and other forms of intimacy. Learn to recognize your unresolved conflicts and work toward closing the loop by talking about them, forgiving each other, and rebuilding your trust.

Spouses wounded by conflict find it hard to engage in sex and other forms of intimacy.

9. Unresolved emotional issues. Sometimes spouses’ sex drives are diminished by unresolved issues such as sexual abuse or betrayal or infidelity or pornography. These are serious issues that can deeply affect sexual interest and activity. We think they are so important that we devoted an entire chapter, chapter 13, to discussing these issues more fully and offering hope and help.

Another emotional issue that can affect your sex drive is guilt. Are you hiding something? Are you having an emotional or sexual affair? Are you struggling with lust or homosexual feelings? Are you masturbating? Self-stimulation can block your ability to respond to your spouse as you step into deception and self-pleasure. Even though you will experience the physical release from self-stimulation, you may find an emptiness in your soul, spirit, and heart. Quick release often brings quick guilt and shame.

10. Erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. Men put a lot of stock in their sexual performance. If they feel they can’t deliver, then they will avoid the embarrassing situation altogether. What a husband often fails to realize is that at some point most men will experience premature ejaculation or the inability to have an erection. That doesn’t make him any less of a man or fantastic lover. Wives, if your husband struggles in either of these areas, be patient and affirming. Never diminish him or criticize his performance. Unfortunately many men have tried to “cure” erectile dysfunction by getting a prescription for Viagra or a similar drug, but that’s not necessarily the solution —that’s the bandage. Many times the solution can be as simple as increasing testosterone levels.

How Can You Cope with Mismatched Libidos?

Most couples find that their sex drives are not perfectly aligned. At various times throughout marriage, for all of the reasons we’ve just outlined, one of them has a lower drive to have sex. How can you successfully navigate those times? Read through the following suggestions, and pick one or two that will work for you.

1. Appreciate what you have. Look for the good in the relationship. Rather than bemoaning the deficiencies, gratefully accept what is. Affirm your spouse. Every time you think of something you love about your husband or wife, say it —out loud —so that both of you hear the encouraging words. Compliment and build your spouse’s self-esteem.

2. Pray for each other. If one of you is struggling with a low sex drive, pray, asking God to give you patience and understanding. Ask him to bless your spouse. Ask him to help you both find creative ways to express and experience a satisfying sexual relationship.

3. Express your desires. If you have the higher sex drive, learn to communicate your sex needs without nagging or demanding. Tell your spouse that you want to be close to him or her, that you want to stay out of the danger zone, that you want to experience a deeper level of intimacy. The many suggestions in chapter 10 will help you talk about your sex needs.

4. Meet your spouse’s need. One man told us that he was struggling with a low libido and it was frustrating his wife. He realized if he didn’t do something about it, he could place his wife in danger of going outside the marriage to find fulfillment. He told her, “I’m struggling. My sex drive isn’t what it should be, and I don’t know why. But I love you as my wife, and I don’t want to cause you to step into a sinful situation. Since your libido is higher, let me take care of your need.” He helped his wife climax, and as he did, he often found that he became aroused too. But even if he hadn’t, he still could love her, serve her, and take care of her need.

Remember that not every lovemaking session needs to result in both of you having an orgasm. That’s a great goal, but it may not happen every time. The important thing is to stay close to each other, to communicate your love in both physical and verbal ways, and to stay committed to meeting each other’s needs.

How to Get in the Mood When You’re Not

So, what can you do if you have a lower sex drive than your spouse does? After giving attention to any of the factors that we discussed earlier in the chapter, you can try a few of the suggestions outlined below.

1. Pray. Ask God to heighten your sexual desire for your husband or wife. If you don’t initially feel comfortable doing that, remember that God created sex drives, and he wants you to experience the pleasure that comes from enjoying a satisfying sex life with your spouse.

2. Shape your attitudes. According to Christian sex therapist Douglas Rosenau, “Sex is 80 percent imagination and mind and 20 percent friction.”[57] The mind is the command center for all sexual feelings. Thousands of thoughts go through your mind in a day, determining how you see yourself and what you do. How do you think of yourself as a lover? If you primarily think, I really don’t care much for sex; it’s not that exciting or I hope he [or she] doesn’t want sex tonight or Sex is just another chore, then you’re not going to be in the mood. Although you may claim that you can’t help it, we believe you can choose to change those thoughts. Your feelings and attitudes come from your thoughts. So think about the intense sexual pleasure and freedom that God intended for a husband and wife. Think about how wonderful it is that your spouse desires and pursues you. The more you think about yourself and your spouse as people to whom God has given sexual drives and needs, the more you will be open to sex with your spouse.

3. Pay attention to sexual desire. If you have a low sex drive, then train yourself to become aware of the slightest feeling of sexual desire. These can be significant starting points. If the feeling hits, go with it. Don’t dismiss it. Mention your desire to your spouse, and if it’s appropriate and possible, act on your desire. It will be a great encouragement to both of you.

4. Remember past experiences. If you feel that your sex drive is in neutral, think about times when you and your spouse had great sex. What made it exciting? Will replicating that experience help you feel aroused again? Replace negative attitudes with positive memories. Remember why you fell in love. Think about the times when your sex life sizzled. Then try to recapture that.

5. Just do it! As we say elsewhere in this book, sometimes it’s good to take the Nike approach and just do it. Just have sex, even if you are not particularly in the mood. Of course we don’t mean to suggest that you become sex slaves or that you allow yourself to feel used. But just as we do things we don’t particularly want to do in many other areas of our lives, at times it makes sense to engage in sex even if we’re not all revved up. Be sure to have the right attitude, however. This is not the time to think, Okay, I’ll just grin and bear it, and give him [or her] some pleasure. This is the time to remember that we are called to serve each other with self-sacrificing love. That’s the kind of love Jim and Sarah showed each other during Sarah’s illness, as we discussed earlier in the chapter. Times of lowered libidos are opportunities for couples to demonstrate Christ’s love to each other by honoring the other’s need and putting it before their own.

6. Exercise. Exercise isn’t just for your health! Research confirms that even moderate exercise raises endorphins and may increase the intensity of sexual arousal. Make regular exercise, even if it is only walking twenty minutes three times a week, a part of your plan to heighten your sex drive. If it’s possible, walk together. Find a park or walking trail that allows you to be inspired by nature, and then use the walking time to talk about your day, your joys, and your challenges.

7. Do things that appeal to your senses. Psychologists tell us that our senses have a powerful influence on sexual experiences. First, pay attention to your sense of smell. Mental associations of a certain smell can take you back to distant memories, change your attitude, calm and invigorate you. Find a candle with a scent that you wish to associate with times of sexual intimacy. When your spouse wants to have sex and you’re not in the mood, light the candle and give yourself time to let the association kick in. Perfumes, cologne, or scented lotions may have the same effect.

Second, be aware of your sense of touch. If a gentle massage will help you, make that a part of your routine. Ask your husband or wife to use oil or a scented lotion to gently rub your body, beginning on your shoulders and back but then moving to erogenous zones that may increase your sense of sexual arousal. Then relax and enjoy the sensual pleasure.

Third, pay attention to your sense of sight. If you are visually stimulated, ask your husband or wife to help by wearing clothing —especially underwear —that appeals to you. Or ask him or her to shed that clothing to help you become aroused. Try having sex in different locations, with different lighting. Once you have made sure that you will have privacy, make love on a blanket near a mirror or in front of a crackling fire in a fireplace. Have sex on the living room floor. Try it outdoors, whether it’s on a covered deck during a thunderstorm or in a private place on a sunny afternoon. The point is, use your imagination and your sense of sight in ways that will contribute to your arousal.

Finally, be aware of how the sense of hearing can contribute to your sex drive. Music can arouse the body. Find a CD that puts you in the mood, and play it only when you are sexually intimate. Soon you will associate the music with a pleasant sexual experience.