One thing you can say about Twilight is that it is not boring. There are a billion characters, they’re always saying some crazy shit, and they’re SO HORNY! Twilight feels like it was written by an AI that almost gets it. Something is just 2 percent off about every line and every interaction, which, taken cumulatively, is like a window into one of those dimensions where everything is identical to ours except cats and turtles are switched and Prince never died. Twilight took me out of my body in a way that did not give me pleasure but did give me fascination, and when it was over, I couldn’t believe it, but I felt compelled to watch the next one just to continue the satisfying, itchy glitch of it all. Twilight kept me awake, which honestly is more than I can say for Top Gun, peace be upon Tony Scott (I stan Déjà Vu).
For instance, this is the opening line of the movie, delivered in sullen voice-over by Bella (Kristen Stewart): “I’ve never given much thought to how I would die, but dying in the place of someone I love seems like a good way to go.”
WHAT????????????????????????????????????????????
How is that a “good way to go”!? There are zero versions of that “way to go” that don’t involve some sort of violent hostage situation and/or dystopian fascist cull. How about a “good way to go” is dying of old age gently and simultaneously with everyone you love while lying on a quilt and holding hands in a big circle and reminiscing about the time you reversed climate catastrophe and squashed the global Far Right together? If you’re picking a hypothetical “way to go,” pick something that doesn’t include your life and the life of a dear one being leveraged against each other in some zero-sum villainous endgame! What!?!? You weirdo!
The thing about that line is that it is both semantically ambiguous in a way that obscures its meaning, AND it turns out to be borderline cyborg argle-bargle anyway!!! That’s Twilight.
When we meet Bella she has just moved from Phoenix, Arizona, where she lives with her mother, to Forks, Washington, where her father is the chief of police, because her mom wants to “go on the road.” You can tell this is Bella’s childhood room because it’s still decorated with her old childhood construction paper hand turkeys, you know, like kids love to make for themselves and show off to other kids on their walls year-round (SEE? ALIENS).
Her dad gives her an old truck that he bought from their neighbors, and the neighbor kid is like, “Hi, I’m Jacob. We used to make mud pies when we were little.” Bold intro, also, “mud pies” is one of those phrases people casually throw around that I feel like is not tethered to any foundational meaning. I’m not talking about “mud pie” as a euphemism for a dank dump; I’m talking about when people use it not to mean that, which they absolutely do! It’s, like, a pervasive child stereotype! Why do I know the phrase mud pie but don’t know what it is? Is it just a…pile of mud? What do you do with it? Eat it? Am I the only one who didn’t grow up slapping mud into a patty and going hog wild on it? Anyway I think Jacob meant the dump kind.
Bella goes to her first day of school, and all the kids glare at her like, “Who’s the dweeb with the truck?” because if there’s one thing teenagers hate it’s an extremely gorgeous new girl. Now, most movies would be content with giving Bella two to three friends at school, especially since they are shooting on location in FORKS, WASHINGTON, but Twilight gives Bella seventy-five distinct friends who all have names and personalities and LINES (which = MONEY), and they’re all flirting and doing slapstick comedy and kissing one another on the face and falling down and taking pictures of Bella for the school paper (“It’s like first grade all over again, you’re the shiny new toy” <—WHAT) within the first ten minutes of the film and it is truly, truly bonkers.
Then the Cullens arrive, and Bella is like, “WHO are THOSE???????”
Her new friends explain that the Cullens are a family of wealthy and mysterious foster children who are also all dating one another—THIS IS THE REAL PLOT—because the dad, Dr. Cullen, is “like this foster dad slash matchmaker.” (Foster! It’s Australian for incest!) To recap, this teenager is saying that a local doctor legally adopts pairs of teenagers that he thinks would be romantically compatible, and makes them date, which they do. Absolutely no one acts like this is weird at all, Bella takes it completely in stride, and everyone forges ahead.
Bella has a class with one of the Cullens, Edward, and when she walks into the room, he vomits (blood, I guess?) into his mouth. He cannot stop staring at her and gagging for the entire period, and then tries to switch out of the class to get away from her. When the registrar won’t let him switch, he says, “Fine, I’ll just have to endure it,” and then stops coming to school ENTIRELY because Bella stinks so bad. Hahahahaha.
Bella goes out for a Gardenburger with Dad and does such a bad job with the ketchup bottle it seems like she should go to the hospital. She’s still thinking about Edward and how he hurt her feelings: “I planned to confront him and demand to know what his problem was. But he never showed.”
Bella’s dad tells her that the security guard at the mill got killed by some kind of animal.
Bella: Animal?
Dad: You’re not in Phoenix anymore.
Yeah, they definitely have animals in Phoenix, sir!
It’s not a spoiler if I mention that the Cullens are obviously vampires using the seamless and extremely low-profile cover story of “weird incestuous foster family,” right? Because I cannot wait one more second to talk about how fucking bananas it is that any of these old-ass sexy corpses still go to HIGH SCHOOL. You don’t have to keep going to high school!!!!!! If a Forks, Washington, truancy cop comes up to you and says, “Shouldn’t you be in high school right now?” just be like, “Yeah, I’m twenty-five, haha, yeah, I know I look young.” DONE!
Regardless, Edward returns to biology class and is assigned to be Bella’s lab partner. Which is a fucking huge win for her, since he’s already taken biology 179 times. His first year of biology, they dissected humans.
Bella tells Edward that she doesn’t really like cold, wet things [twitch twitch], which is awkward because he’s a cold, wet thing.
Edward: If you hate the cold and the rain so much, why did you move to the wettest place in the continental US?
Bella: It’s complicated.
Edward: I’m sure I can keep up. I’ve been alive for seven hundred years. I’ve read EVERY BOOK.
They twitch at each other for the rest of class.
From this point on, Edward is just constantly staring at Bella around corners and peeking at her from under manholes and disguising himself as a potted plant so he can watch her pee. Heads up: your children think that is romance now!
One day one of Bella’s friends is leaving the school parking lot in his van when he skids on some ice and almost crushes her. (Then Bella’s dad threatens to take that Black teenager’s driver’s license away, for revenge, which is extremely fucked up!) Edward zooms over there using wizard speed and stops the van with his boday.
Bella: How did you get over to me so fast?
Edward: I was standing right next to you, Bella…Bella, you hit your head. You’re confused…Nobody’s gonna believe you.
Gaslighting! Vampire gaslighting!!! Later that night, Bella wakes up and thinks she sees Edward inside her room watching her sleep. But he’s not. OR WAS HE? (Yes!!!!!!!)
“That was the first night I dreamt of Edward Cullen.”
Bella and Edward become more and more erotically enthralled, but they’re teens (well, one teen and one EXTREMELY ELDERLY MAN), which means lots and lots and lots and lots of staring, and Edward constantly walking up to her and saying stuff like, “Bella, we shouldn’t be friends,” and “If you were smart, you’d stay away from me.” Dude, YOU CAME OVER HERE.
Bella invites him to go to the coast with the regular kids, but he’s like, “What if I’m not the hero? What if I’m the bad guy?” so, that’s a no, I guess.
At the beach, she runs into Jacob “Mud Pie” NeighborBoy and his friends, and this is as good a time as any to mention that this character is Native and they should have cast a Native actor! Bella asks, very rudely, “What are you, like, stalking me?” and Jacob says, “You’re on my beach, remember?” and Bella’s like, “What did your friends mean about ‘the Cullens don’t come here,’” and Jacob reveals that his tribe has an ancient legend about the Cullens SPECIFICALLY. An ancient legend about the group of foster children who go to her high school. “If they agree to stay off our land,” he explains, “then we won’t expose what they really are to the palefaces.” Oh! Okeydokey!
Bella decides to pop over to Port Angeles to get a book about Quileute legends so she can learn more about HER LAB PARTNER. In the dark and twisting alleys of Port Angeles, Bella is menaced by some Port Angeles rapists, but then Edward appears and rescues her in his lil vampire hatchback! He casually drops that he can read minds and then takes her out for mushroom ravioli. (Waiter: “You’re sure there isn’t anything I can get for you?” I don’t know, do you have a BOWL OF BLOOD??)
Edward tells Bella that he feels very protective of her, and also he can read the mind of every human in Forks AND Port Angeles except her. “It’s very frustrating.”
Edward: I don’t have the strength to stay away from you anymore.
Bella: Then don’t.
Their hands touch, erotically, and his is cold as ice. Because he’s dead. And old. Dude, Edward. Come on. All the other vampires are with other vampires! What could you possibly have in common with this teenage girl?
Yo, girl, lemme play u my favorite song.
[Gregorian chant]
Bella looks up vampires on the internet and finds out that they’re called “THE COLD ONES,” which freaks her out, so now she’s scared of Edward and hurts his feelings at school on purpose. Who’s the cold one now????
He follows her into the woods, and she confronts him with her suspicions: “You’re impossibly fast and strong, your skin is pale white and ice cold, your eyes change color, and sometimes you speak like you’re from a different time. You never eat or drink anything, you don’t go out in the sunlight. How old are you?”
If I had a dollar for every time I had this exact fight with my exes!!!!!!!!!!!
Edward tosses Bella on his back and runs up an entire mountain in fast-motion, which is funnier than any intentional comedy I’ve ever seen. (Also me when they restock the toilet paper at Walgreens, right???)
Up above the clouds of Forks, Bella learns that vampire skin sparkles in the sunlight, a detail that would go on to sell many thousands of dollars in glittery dildos!
Bella: It’s like diamonds. You’re beautiful.
Edward: Beautiful? This is the skin of a killer, Bella.
And this is the peacoat of a killer.
I’m wearing a killer’s socks.
This is the hair gel of a killer.
Edward: I am the world’s most dangerous predator. I am designed to kill.
Bella: I don’t care.
Edward: I’ve killed people before.
Bella: It does not matter.
Edward: I wanted to kill you. I’ve never wanted a human’s blood so much in my life.
Bella: I trust you.
Edward: Don’t.
Bella: I’m here. I trust you.
B E L L A.
G I R L.
Y I K E S.
Edward: Your scent, it’s like a drug to me. You’re like my own personal brand of heroin. I call it Pale Eddie’s Heroin.
Bella: I’m not afraid of you. I’m only afraid of losing you. I feel like you’re going to disappear.
Edward: You don’t know how long I’ve waited for you.
Then they’re about to kiss, maybe, but the camera pans up to the sky all kooky because I guess the cameraman found his own personal brand of heroin. Bella and Edward lie down on the grass and stare at each other, which is how you can tell this movie wasn’t written by someone from the Pacific Northwest—there are only three days a year here when the grass isn’t wet. Enjoy your soggy asses!
I do need to pause and say that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson perform the frick out of these goofy-ass roles, and you know what? I love them both. I do! I think they are good! Sue me! Take me to Taste Court!
Edward tells Bella that Dr. Cullen turned him into a vampire in 1918 while he was dying of Spanish influenza (PLEASE no one let Donald Trump watch Twilight), and that the Cullens “think of ourselves as vegetarians.” He invites Bella over to meet his whole family, and she’s like, “But what if they don’t like me!?” Dude, they go to your school! And one of them’s your doctor!!!!
Bella shows up, and Edward’s mom is like, “Bella, we’re making Italiano for you!” like a FULL ALIEN. “We’re using this as an excuse to use the kitchen for the first time!” Then Edward plays the piano for Bella while she looks ill. Man, that’s the best song you learned in one hundred years?
Meanwhile, Bella’s dad is investigating the “animal” that killed the guy at the mill and another guy. He finds a footprint and it’s…HUMAN!?!?
Bella’s mom wants her to come to Jacksonville, but Bella refuses because she’s fallen in love. Bella’s mom is PUMPED: “What is he? Jock? Indie? Is he smart? I bet he’s smart.” Well…he’s 107 and he watches me sleep.
They finally kiss but then Edward is like NO, NO, WE MUSTN’T, MY BONER IS 2 POWERFUL (this is also a real story line), so then they just have to TALK ALL NIGHT! And he learns about snuggling! Now THAT’S what I call a movie made for women by women!
The idea that a man born in 1901 wouldn’t have any fucked-up gender role shit or extreme racism going on is iffy. Wait, what am I saying, he does have fucked-up gender role shit. He is a human fucked-up gender role! I’ll make a call on the racism when I see him interact with ANY BLACK PERSON EVER.
Bella’s mom was actually right about one thing, though—Edward is kind of a jock. It’s raining, so he picks Bella up at her house because his whole family is going to play vampire baseball! And you just know it’s gonna be dumb!
You might want to lie down for this, in a grave, and never get up again: the Cullens can only play baseball when there’s a thunderstorm going on because they hit the ball so loud. I can’t. How loud could you…you know what? I’m not doing this one.
Anyway, Bella doesn’t even get to play. She has to be the umpire. In the rain! And they throw, hit, and run too fast for a human to see! Wow, fun!
In the middle of their baseball game, some other vampires show up. (Of all the weird shit Stephanie Meyer wrote in this series, “all vampires love baseball” is absolutely the weirdest. Did you know a vampire can smell one drop of baseball in a million gallons of old growth forest?) Oh shit, it’s the bad vampires who have been munching the townspeople this whole time! Everything seems like it’s going to be cool, but then one of the bad vampires, James (Cam Gigandet, who you might remember from The O.C. but I prefer to remember from the Lifetime Original Movie NANNY CAM), sniffs Bella and is like, “Ooooooh, oh boy, Daddy’s num nums, don’t mind if I dooooooo!”
They manage to get Bella away from James, but Edward offers this extremely convoluted justification for the whole rest of the movie: “James is a tracker…I read it in his mind. I just made this the most exciting game ever.” Since James is a “tracker” and he smelled Bella, now he will not chill until he gets Daddy’s num nums!!!
The Cullens are like, “She’s part of this family now, and we protect our family” (they’ve been on ONE DATE), and they help Bella make a plan. In order to keep her dad safe, she has to tell him she hates Forks and she hates him and he’s fucking pathetic and she’s moving to Florida to be with mom. It’s honestly way harsher than it needed to be! Just tell him you’re going on a vacation, dude! Then she drives to Phoenix because she believes James has taken her mom hostage in her old ballet studio, but, duh, it’s a trap!
James takes Bella prisoner and decides to make a video of himself eating her to make Edward mad. But Bella pepper sprays James right in his low-rise jeans! And Edward shows up! And the two hot vampires fight over her—EVERY WOMAN’S BIG DREAM.
James is stronger because he eats the human meat, and he manages to bite Bella, but then all the Cullens show up and they rip James into small pieces and set him on fire. Then Edward has to suck James’s vampire venom out of Bella’s body without greedily sucking all her blood out and making her a vampire, but it’s a big job, so Peter Facinelli comes to help too. Love 2 suck venom erotically from my girlfriend side by side with my dad! Anyway, Bella is fine.
Edward tries to tell Bella that she needs to move to Jacksonville “so I’ll stop hurting you,” and she says, “WE CAN’T BE APART! YOU CAN’T LEAVE ME!” So instead of setting some boundaries in their wildly codependent relationship, Edward takes her to the prom: “Prom’s an important rite of passage.”
This is his eighty-ninth prom.
RATING: 5/10 DVDs of The Fugitive.