8

Workplace Romance

My own university is thankfully less prohibitive about student-professor couplings: You may still hook up with students, you just can’t harass them into it. (How long before hiring committees at these few remaining enclaves of romantic license begin using this as a recruiting tool? “Yes the winters are bad, but the students are friendly.”)

—Laura Kipnis, professor and author1

Bill Gates, David Letterman, David Petraeus, and Bill Clinton all succumbed to the temptation of romantic involvement with a woman at work. President Obama and wife, Michelle, started dating when they were both lawyers at the same Chicago law firm, and other celebrities and executives engaging in workplace romances regularly provide fodder for popular media outlets. Despite the prevalence of these relationships, workplace romance can be a headache for the organization. So fraught with complications are these relationships, organizations often attempt to regulate them, discouraging or forbidding employees from romantic fraternization. In fact, the taboo on workplace romance is so great that senior male managers choose to steer clear of work-related interactions to avoid perceptions that they’re pursuing a relationship. Recall that 64 percent of senior men are reluctant to have a one-on-one meeting with a junior woman.2 These men most likely fear sexual harassment charges and fear that the relationship will be perceived by others as romantic.

Not only is this an issue for senior executives, there is also evidence that many rank-and-file employees go out of their way to avoid any perception that they are involved in a romantic relationship at work.3 Often encouraged by workplace policies that ban or discourage workplace romance, these employees avoid lunches, drinks, dinner, social outings, and even one-on-one business meetings with cross-sex coworkers. Regrettably, in avoiding any perception they are in a relationship, they are missing out on potentially valuable friendships with the opposite sex.

Wariness regarding workplace romance is understandable, especially since the repercussions resulting from participation in workplace romance can be severe. High-level executive careers toppled by workplace romance and covered by the media add to these fears. Awareness of the fate of these execs would leave anyone cautious in their cross-sex interactions. Take the case of Richard M. Schulze and Brian J. Dunn, the previous chairman and chief executive of Best Buy. Schulze had started Best Buy in 1966 as a small music retailer and expanded it into a nationwide electronics chain. Dunn joined Best Buy in 1985. Both were jobless in spring 2012 as a result of Dunn’s alleged workplace romance with a twenty-nine-year-old female subordinate that reportedly “negatively impacted the work environment.”4 Dunn was ousted for participating in the relationship and Schulze for knowing about it and not reporting it.

A Best Buy investigation found that Dunn showed favoritism to his subordinate sweetheart, which damaged employee morale. Interestingly, the New York Times reported that the female subordinate claimed their relationship was nothing more than a “close friendship that was not romantic or otherwise improper.”5 Unfortunately, readers of the New York Times get the following facts: Very senior-level executive lost his high-level job because of an alleged romance with a junior woman that may have been nothing more than a close friendship. The sex partition gains strength.

Another high-profile executive, Gary Friedman, the former chairman and co-chief executive of Restoration Hardware, suffered a similar fate. The New York Times praised his work for the retailer: “He joined Restoration Hardware in 2001 when it was near bankruptcy and is widely credited with turning it into one of the nation’s most successful high-end furniture retailers.”6 What brought an end to this success story? Workplace romance. Friedman stepped down from his position after evidence surfaced regarding an intimate relationship he had (and was still having at the time of his departure) with a twenty-six-year-old female employee. Although the female employee informed company investigators that her relationship with Friedman was consensual, Restoration Hardware was in the process of launching a stock offering and the board was concerned about the appearance of the relationship to potential investors.

Managers ousted for canoodling with coworkers are relatively common, though no official statistics are available on the frequency of such firings. In a New York Times interview an executive vice president of an outplacement firm reported that each year his own company handled about a dozen cases in which a manager had been pushed out after an affair with a subordinate.7 If just one firm handles this many cases, job loss due to an affair must be relatively common.

When high-level managers lose their jobs because of workplace romance, organizations are sending a strong message. Workplace romance is dangerous. To keep organizational execs happy, employees may avoid anything that could even be misconstrued as a workplace romance. One foolproof method to avoid misperceptions that you’re participating in a workplace romance is to limit interactions with cross-sex coworkers. Again, the sex partition gains strength.

Effects on the Sex Partition

The taboos surrounding workplace romance serve to suppress interactions between men and women in the organization. Workplace romance is so taboo that employees go out of their way to keep all interactions purely professional with opposite-sex employees. While this is admirable, it can get in the way of cross-sex friendship development. The same standard doesn’t apply with same-sex friendships. Sarah, a brand manager for a marketing firm, describes how she felt when she found herself in a romantic restaurant with a male manager in her firm:

I had only been with the company a few days, and I had the need to purchase a car. I didn’t own a car, and in Los Angeles you need one. So I found a model that I liked, and I was mentioning it to some of my colleagues who were more senior than me—a couple of levels above me. They were only five or six years older than me, but they were at the brand manager, director level. [I told them] I need to buy this car, and my director said, “I’m a great negotiator—I would be happy to take you out there, and help you buy it.” I never bought a car by myself before, so I took him up on it. I felt good about having somebody else there.

It was totally normal to go buy a car with him, but then afterwards, we were going to get a bite to eat. And the restaurant that he selected, that happened to be right nearby, was an Italian place, and when we went inside it was all candlelit and intimate. All of a sudden it didn’t feel like a work dynamic anymore. It was awkward when the two of us stumbled in and the next thing we know we find ourselves sitting across a candlelit table, and he’s my director. It was just an awkward situation. I didn’t know what to make of it. . . . If it had been another woman I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. I wouldn’t have been uncomfortable at all if it had been a woman.

Sarah went out of her way to keep her interactions with her director on a purely professional level in the future. Interestingly, she points out that if her negotiating partner had been female, the situation in the candlelit restaurant wouldn’t have been remotely uncomfortable. In fact, had she negotiated and then dined with a senior female executive, a valuable mentorship and friendship might have blossomed. But because the interaction was cross sex, their future contact became more stiff and formal.

Anxiety surrounding what other coworkers are thinking can also lead to more conservative behavior around cross-sex friends. Marianne, a female recruiter, described her apprehensions about being observed with a male coworker and suggested that the size of an organization may impact this concern:

When I go out with my one male friend I always wonder what people are thinking. . . . You can really shoot yourself in the foot if you’re forging personal relationships that go beyond friendships with members of the opposite sex. Sometimes I do feel it’s a little bit different here, because it’s a smaller audience. And what you’re doing here is even more closely scrutinized than it would be within a larger organization.8

Dan, a management consultant, also believed his coworkers thought his cross-sex friendship was something more:

My good friend, the one that I walk around with at lunch, she got engaged a couple of years ago, and this guy saw us walking around together, saw that she was engaged, and assumed that I was who she was engaged to. So, I think people have probably wondered whether there was any kind of romantic relationship going on, because we hung out so much. Although that was the only time anyone ever said something about it, it was obvious that was what they thought.9

Sometimes, when others perceive you’re having an affair, there can be dire consequences. Take the case of Gerry Marzorati and Megan Liberman. In 2010 Gerry Marzorati stepped down as editor of the New York Times Magazine. One reason given for the end of his reign was his promotion of Megan Liberman to deputy editor, an unpopular choice with his staffers. Marzorati defended his choice. “I promoted a young woman, a really smart woman and an ambitious woman, and ambitious women make people uncomfortable,” he told reporters.10 Yet the New York Observer described how Marzorati and Liberman were “close allies” and “were often seen together,” insinuating there was more to their relationship than work.11

We don’t know if these two were involved in an affair, but if a man had been promoted to the role, it’s unlikely that a reporter would comment that the two men “were often seen together.” However, when a woman who socializes with her male boss gets promoted, the promotion is often attributed to sex with the boss. Sometimes these perceptions are grounded in reality, but more often they are not. Only a very small percentage of women get promoted as a result of affairs with the boss. In a study of these affairs, Sylvia Ann Hewlett and colleagues found that of those who admitted to sleeping with the boss, only 12 percent acknowledged they were promoted as a result of the affair.12 Despite this relatively small percentage, it’s enough to perpetuate the image of women sleeping their way to the top. Third parties also speculate about the advantages of sleeping with a superior. Thirty-seven percent of women and 33 percent of men who knew a coworker who was sexually involved with the boss also believed the coworker was promoted as a result of the relationship.13

Hewlett and her colleagues describe how this perception puts women in a double bind. If women develop the much-needed close relationships (not sexual) with senior men, they are perceived as sleeping their way to the top. However, if they choose the alternative, working hard and avoiding any potentially incriminating encounters with senior men, they miss out on the networking that is critical for career success. In their focus groups, these authors found female employees shared stories of hurtful office gossip and social isolation because of false perceptions of affairs with senior men. They describe that the women “felt that the whispering intensified as they moved up the ranks. As one female in financial services put it, ‘If I’d had sex with as many people that rumors said I’ve had it with, I would never have had time to do the actual work of getting the promotions.’ One beleaguered manager told a senior executive, ‘I just want to put up a big sign that says, I’M NOT SLEEPING WITH ANYONE!’”14

In fact, women may go out of their way to avoid accusations that they’re sleeping their way to the top. Recall the statistic that almost two-thirds of senior men are reluctant to have a one-on-one meeting with a junior woman? Well, it turns out that half of junior women are just as reluctant to have a one-on-one meeting with a senior man.15 Most likely these women want to ensure that their coworkers understand that they’re not sleeping their way to the top.

Love in the Cubicle—Workplace Romance Is Common

If workplace romances were uncommon, workers would be less concerned that their friendly gestures would be misinterpreted as romantic overtures. However, the prevalence of these romances keeps them prominently in the minds of employees. With long workdays and little free time, the workplace provides a unique opportunity for workers to meet potential dating partners. The most recent surveys conducted by a job search website indicate that between 40 percent and 60 percent of employees have engaged in a workplace romance at some point in their career, and almost one in five reports participating in at least two workplace romances in his or her career.16 If there is no office romance blossoming in your office, simply turn to the tabloids where stories of famous or infamous workplace fraternization are plentiful. Below are just a few high-profile workplace romances that have made headlines:

This is certainly not an exhaustive list of famous workplace romances, but it illustrates how workplace romances can run the gamut from happy endings and long-term marriages to those that end in blackmail or impeachment.

Why are workplace romances so prevalent? More women are entering fields that fifty years ago were dominated by men, resulting in the two sexes working side by side more than ever before. According to U.S. Department of Labor statistics, women currently make up 47 percent of the labor force, whereas in 1960 they made up only 32.3 percent of the workforce.18 The increased representation of women in the workforce naturally increases the opportunity for sparks to fly between men and women at work.

Indeed, social psychologists have found that mere exposure to someone can increase our attraction to them. Aptly labeled the “mere exposure effect,” several interesting experimental studies demonstrate its effect. In one revealing study, college students were shown photos of faces. Participants saw the photos of some faces up to twenty-five times, while other faces were only shown once or twice. The more the participants had seen a photo of a particular face, the more they reported liking it. In other words, mere exposure to the photographs increased attraction to it.19

I think it’s fascinating that just seeing someone more often makes you like them more. It’s why we start to like a song after hearing it over and over, and it’s why we can fall for our coworkers. In another study of the mere exposure effect participants had short, face-to-face contact with one another. They were paired together for less than thirty-five seconds and weren’t allowed to speak to one another. Participants were paired together either one, two, five, or ten times. Once again, mere exposure led to attraction, with subjects reporting that they preferred those they had seen more often to those they had seen less frequently.20 Repeated exposure to the same coworkers day after day has a similar effect and will naturally increase attraction toward them.

Similarity also breeds attraction, and our coworkers share similar experiences and attitudes.21 Coworkers at a homeless shelter may share similar philosophies about helping the poor, those who teach at an elementary school may share a love of small children, and employees working together on a presidential campaign may share similar political attitudes. Regardless of the organizational goals, individuals who show up at the same office for work each day often share many of the same experiences. These common interests and shared experiences contribute to greater attraction.

Another appeal of dating coworkers is that they’ve already been vetted. Unlike someone you may meet at a bar or on a website, it’s unlikely that the coworker in the next cubicle is an axe murderer. You know that this person is responsible enough to both land and maintain a job with your organization, and you know how they get along with others. There are few other venues for meeting potential dating partners where you can uncover such valuable information.

Workplace Romance Statistics

  • Between 40 percent and 60 percent of employees have engaged in a workplace romance at some point in their career.
  • Almost one in five employees reports participating in at least two workplace romances in his or her career.
  • 67 percent of employers cite the possibility of retaliation or conflict between coworkers when a relationship ends as a reason to have policies against workplace romance.
  • 7 percent of employees report having switched jobs because of a workplace romance.
  • 38 percent of workers know of a coworker who gained a professional advantage because of a romantic relationship.
  • 31 percent of workers report feeling uncomfortable because of a coworker’s romantic relationship.
  • About one in five human resource professionals and employees report that sexual harassment claims occurred in his or her organization as a direct result of workplace romances.
  • 77 percent of human resources employees feel that the potential for sexual harassment claims was a good reason to prohibit or discourage workplace romance.
  • 70 percent of employees believe that openly dating a coworker could jeopardize their job security or job advancement.
  • 68 percent of employees feel that workplace relationships can lead to conflict at work.
  • 61 percent of employees feel workplace romance presents a distraction.
  • 25 percent of organizations have a workplace-romance policy.
  • 35 percent try to hide the fact they’re involved in an office romance.

Statistics from Careerbuilder.com, 2011; Parks, 2006; Spherion, 2011; Vault.com, 2011.

With mere exposure, similarity, and dependability working in their favor, it is inevitable that attraction will develop between coworkers. It’s what happens after the attraction blossoms that is problematic for the organization and the sex partition. In order to avoid these problems, sometimes it’s easier to avoid social interactions with opposite-sex employees altogether.

What’s the Problem with Canoodling a Coworker?

It’s not all bad. Workplace romance can lead to increased productivity from happy workers who are eager to get to work to see their romantic partner. However, the downsides for the organization are often perceived to outweigh any benefits.

If the couple breaks up (and the majority do), the organization must deal with the repercussions of ex-lovers negotiating daily business with each other. Turnover is costly for organizations, and romantic relationships, either good or bad, can also drive workers to seek employment elsewhere. Why find a new job? Employees involved in a relationship who feel that their organization disapproves of romantic relationships may try to find new work. Other times, a desire to avoid an ex can motivate workers to make a change.

From the organization’s perspective, the greatest headache associated with workplace romance occurs when allegations of sexual harassment surface. But, if workplace romance is consensual, welcome, and mutually desired, then how can it result in sexual harassment charges? Romantic interest is not always reciprocated, and relentlessly pursuing a date with an uninterested coworker could be perceived as harassment. Sometimes, out of revenge, a disillusioned romantic partner charges his or her ex with sexual harassment. In other cases sexual harassment charges are not brought by either of the ex-lovers, but instead are brought by a third party who alleges favoritism by the romantic couple.

Many don’t realize that sexual harassment charges can be filed by coworkers who are not involved in a romance but who feel that an office romance is resulting in favoritism. In the California Supreme Court case that first decided this issue, Miller v. Department of Corrections, Edna Miller and Frances Mackey were Department of Corrections employees.22 They alleged that the prison warden, Lewis Kuykendall, was having consensual relationships with three female prison employees (his secretary and two other female subordinates). They further alleged that transfers and promotions were provided to these three women because of their relationship with the boss. Although Miller and Mackey were not themselves subjected to any sexual behavior by Kuykendall, they claimed that the warden’s sexual relationships created an environment in which the only way for women to advance their careers was to have sex with their supervisor. The court ruled in favor of Miller, sending a strong message to employers that sexual favoritism is discriminatory and can be penalized.

Even if sexual harassment charges are not filed, office morale can take a hit when employees feel that a romance is resulting in favoritism or unfair treatment. As a result, organizations often go to great lengths to discourage workplace romance.

Shhhhh! Let’s Keep Our Romance a Secret

I’ll admit I’ve had a few of my own workplace romances. And like most, I tried to keep them secret for as long as possible. My workplace did not have any explicit policies prohibiting workplace romance, but it just seemed inappropriate or somehow unprofessional to date a coworker. I’m not alone—a good number of those participating in workplace romance do try to keep them quiet. A recent online survey indicates that just over a third of employees report attempting to keep their workplace romance a secret.23

One of my own workplace relationships was uncovered when text messages sent via company beepers (before cell phone texting was common) were reviewed by management. Who knew they would review such a thing? Like me, relationship partners typically fail in their attempt at keeping their romance quiet, and coworkers ultimately uncover the romance despite the secrecy surrounding it.24

Office policies and culture are not all to blame for the high levels of secrecy surrounding workplace relationships. Those in extramarital affairs, for example, are never going to go public with their relationship. Yet organizational policies and cultures that discourage office romance certainly add to the secrecy that typically envelops these relationships.

Ironically, this secrecy that surrounds workplace romance can be even more problematic than the relationship itself—both for the organization and the sex partition. From the organization’s perspective, when workplace romances are out in the open, then supervisors can keep an eye on the couple. They can ensure that professionalism is maintained in the office and that no favoritism results from the romance.

With regard to the sex partition, the secretive nature of these relationships leaves employees having to “out” their coworkers who are romantically involved, and it increases general suspicion regarding workplace romance. If employees were open about their romantic relationships at work, coworkers would not need to resort to playing detective to spot colleague romances. However, when secrecy is the norm, employees often look for cues to tip them off to a budding romance between their workmates. They scrutinize all cross-sex pairs to figure out which duos might be up to more than work. Unfortunately, the cues that signal a romance are often the same as those that would indicate a cross-sex friendship.

One study examined just what the cues were that prompted employees to label a work relationship as romantic (see figure 8.1).25 The most common response, given by 78 percent of the employees, was that they had seen the coworker couple together outside of work. Other common giveaways to budding romance included observing the couple spending an unusual amount of work time chatting (57 percent), having long discussions behind closed doors (42 percent), and attending business trips together (33 percent).

Take a closer look at these cues used to identify romantic relationships. Aren’t they the exact same cues that would be used to identify friendships? It’s not like these folks are spotted emerging from a dark supply closet with their zippers down. Instead, they are being identified as having a relationship merely because they were observed outside of work together. Business trips and long discussions could certainly be work related. However, it’s the cross-sex nature of these relationships that makes them suspect. If two same-sex colleagues were observed spending time at work chatting, having discussions behind closed doors, or traveling on business, the default assumption would be that they were hashing out a work problem or taking care of a needy client. However, when the pair is male-female, thoughts often turn to the possibility of a romantic interest between the coworkers. Cross-sex coworkers then try to avoid these situations to steer clear of rumors.

Figure 8.1. Cues Employees Use to Determine If Coworkers Are Romantically Involved (Data from Quinn, 1977).

Policing Workplace Romance

With all the issues that can arise from workplace romances, it’s understandable that organizations strive to eliminate them. However, often their efforts have unintended consequences for the sex partition, leaving employees avoiding any inkling of impropriety with cross-sex coworkers. Is there a better way for organizations to address the concerns surrounding workplace relationships while minimizing the impact on the sex partition?

Cultural anthropologist and writer Margaret Mead suggested that only the complete eradication of workplace romance would allow both sexes to work productively together. She argued that taboos on workplace romance were needed so that men and women could work together and establish friendships at work. “A taboo enjoins. We need one that says clearly and unequivocally, ‘You don’t make passes at or sleep with the people you work with.’”26 With these taboos in place she believed that men and women working together would become more like brothers and sisters in an environment where “sex is set aside in favor of mutual concern, shared interests, and, it seems to me, a new sense of friendship.”27

Mead has a point. If romantic relationships were completely eradicated from the workplace, then there would be no fear that a friendship would be misconstrued as a romantic relationship. If, indeed, such a taboo existed, where romantic relationships at work were perceived as equally appalling as, say, incestuous relationships, then perhaps cross-sex friendships would be more likely to blossom. Just as brothers and sisters can pal around without anyone questioning whether they’re sleeping together, male and female coworkers could also establish friendships without worrying what others are thinking.

Unfortunately, Mead’s solution is impossible to implement. While there are currently taboos against workplace romance, they are not nearly as commonly accepted as other societal taboos. Therefore, despite the taboos, workplace romances are plentiful. Unfortunately, it is this toxic combination, the taboos against workplace romance in conjunction with a high prevalence of coworker relationships, that create barriers between men and women at work. Those involved in workplace romances often strive to keep them secret, and those not in romances keep the opposite sex at a distance to avoid any suggestion of impropriety.

Since it’s futile to try to eliminate workplace romance, the only solution is to attempt to reduce or eliminate the taboo on workplace romance. If workplace romance was openly accepted in organizations then there would be less need for secrecy. Ideally, employees who are romantically involved would disclose their relationship to the organization, and the organization could ensure that no favoritism permeates the workplace. While not every employee will be willing to disclose his or her relationship (the married executive who sneaks off for an extramarital fling with his or her assistant would probably prefer to keep it quiet regardless of the workplace policy), a general openness regarding these relationships would aid in reducing concerns about cross-sex interactions.

Actual organizational policies addressing workplace romance run the gamut from no policies to strictly forbidding any fraternization. Although it may seem illegal for your organization to dictate who you can date outside of work, legal challenges to nonfraternization rules have generally been rejected by both state and federal courts.28 In other words, your organization can legally tell you who you can and can’t date.

As an alternative to formal written policies on workplace romance, many organizations opt for unwritten understandings. Some of these informal policies allow coworkers to date, but ask them to use good judgment and common sense to avoid “sticky situations.”29 Other workplaces require those involved in a relationship to sign a consensual relationship agreement (also sometimes referred to as a “love contract”). These agreements shield the employer from any liability should the relationship go sour. The pair typically must vow that their relationship is voluntary and consensual, and that they will not exhibit any favoritism as a result of their relationship. The agreement also usually allows management to provide a second pair of eyes on the relationship to reduce the likelihood of impropriety.

Consensual relationship agreements may not be the most romantic way to start a workplace romance, but they are a step in the right direction for the organization. By encouraging the disclosure of relationships, instead of promoting secrecy, they may help reduce gossip and rumors about cross-sex friends who are not dating.

Romance on Campus

Different types of organizations have different issues with regard to workplace romance. At universities, where student-professor relationships are hierarchical by nature, it’s clearly not desirable for a professor to have grading or supervisory power over a student with whom they are romantically involved. As a result many universities ban all sexual or romantic relationships between students and professors.

As an example, the University of California (UC) system banned professor-student relationships in cases where the professor has teaching or supervisory responsibility over the student, and also where the student is interested in a subject within the professor’s expertise.30 Prohibiting supervising or grading a romantic partner seems understandable, but banning a professor from dating someone with interest in his or her area of expertise is a little murky. In other words, at UC, professors are only permitted to date students who aren’t interested in their work. Penalties for violating the rule range from written censure to dismissal.

The larger issue with these policies is they discourage professors from appearing as if they are dating students. Recall the male professor who described that he avoided dinners, drinks, and late-night meetings with female students. The taboo on professor-student relationships is so great that it can limit the interactions between students and professors of the opposite sex.

Forbidden Love

Not only do bans on workplace romance discourage friendships between men and women but also they may ultimately backfire, having the reverse effect of what was intended. That is, they may ultimately increase the likelihood of attraction between coworkers. We tend to have an attraction to things that are forbidden.31 Basically, there are certain freedoms to which most people just feel entitled. Take away one of these freedoms and people become motivated to reestablish it. This explains why we sometimes desire something more after we think we may have lost it. With regard to workplace romance, forbidding love at work may make it more desirable.

Forbidden love has had a rich history, from classic literature to contemporary film. Romeo and Juliet may have had less passion for one another if their relationship was embraced by their families. This enhanced attractiveness of forbidden love has been confirmed by researchers. Young, unmarried couples in one study described how much their parents disapproved and interfered with their relationship. Not surprisingly, those couples who had interfering parents reported more love for each other and were more seriously considering marriage than those who did not.32 Thus the act of interfering with romance can actually make the romance stronger. Organizations should be aware that an unintended consequence of forbidding workplace romance is the possibility it could make coworker coupling more desirable.

Friends or Lovers?

So how does someone decide whether to pursue a romantic relationship at work? Researcher Lisa Mainiero found that when deciding whether to initiate a workplace romance employees typically weigh the risks.33 These risks ranged from career risks, such as losing the respect of coworkers, to risks that a marriage partner will uncover the relationship. However, I claim these are the same risks that are associated with the perception that someone is in a romantic relationship. Unfortunately, the consequences are often the same regardless of whether one is participating in an actual romantic relationship or just perceived to be participating in one by their coworkers. Therefore, employees may weigh these same risks when deciding whether to initiate a cross-sex friendship. Reducing the potential risks for employees by eliminating severe punishments for workplace romance will increase the likelihood that employees will cross the gender line when seeking friendship.