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Behold the turtle: He only makes progress when he sticks his neck out.
—James Bryant Conant, scientist1
I’ve had many great mentors and supportive friends at work and at school. People who have helped me well beyond what was expected. To all of them, I am forever grateful. Personal contacts helped me land my first job on Wall Street, gain admittance to graduate school, and find an agent to help publish this book.
I’m not alone. In general, those with more friends receive more job offers and higher pay. I won’t reiterate all the benefits of friendship that I outlined in the first chapter, but friends are clearly a key to success in any professional endeavor.
Unfortunately, if you wait until you need a job, a graduate school, an agent, an introduction, a promotion, or just some information, it’s often already too late to establish connections. Building a network takes time, and it’s essential to start building up your network before you need it.
For some, networking seems to come naturally. For others, like myself, it takes a concerted effort. And then there’s the sex partition, which only adds to difficulties networking. That’s no reason to give up. The goal of this chapter is to provide tips on establishing connections at work with both men and women.
Getting started can be daunting, but your network may already be bigger than you realize. Utilizing the network you already have to its full potential can be a great start. Some particularly valuable advice on this topic was given to me by a manager at Morgan Stanley named R0ml (yes, that’s a zero in his name—his real name is Robert, but he went by R0ml, pronounced like Rommel). I was a recent college graduate and working as a computer programmer for Morgan Stanley’s information technology department. As a hardworking computer programmer, I took my job extremely seriously. I put in long hours and almost always ate lunch while writing computer code at my desk.
R0ml shared his valuable insights with me after I put in a request for a cubicle change. My cubicle was centrally located in what seemed like a major thoroughfare through the office. On their way to the water cooler, the bathroom, the cafeteria, or the elevator, my coworkers would always stop and check in with me. “How’s it going, Kim? What are you working on?” I’d politely engage, and then, as quickly as possible, get back to my computer coding.
When a cubicle became available in a less traveled corner location, I made it known that I wanted the isolated corner to become my future home. Without the constant interruptions, I was sure I could significantly increase the amount of computer code that I produced. That’s what inspired R0ml to have a talk with me. He explained that squirreling away to write computer code wasn’t good for Morgan Stanley or me. He explained the value of talking to my coworkers. Learning about their work projects or their solutions to a particular problem might inspire my own work. “You need to get up from your desk more, talk to people,” he advised. Although I thought that eating lunch at my desk exhibited a strong work ethic, he pointed out my desk lunches were yet another missed opportunity to network with my colleagues.
At the time, I thought he just didn’t get it. I tried to get R0ml to understand that these conversations with my colleagues were not going to help my work. Learning where Bill rode his bike that weekend or what Bob did at the beach was only keeping me from writing more computer code. How could that information possibly help me with my job? R0ml explained that Bill and Bob both had information that would be valuable to my work; I just needed to find out what it was. I should ask them what they were working on, what problems they encountered, and how they solved them. I also could help them with their work projects, which would benefit the organization as a whole. Furthermore, friendly social connections with colleagues like Bill and Bob could only help me as my career progressed.
My request for the cubicle in the remote corner was denied, but it was many years before I truly appreciated R0ml’s guidance. Now I understand the wisdom of his advice. We can learn something from all of our coworkers, not just those we deem worthy of being our mentors or advisors. This brings me to my primary advice on networking:
Treat everyone like a mentor, and you’ll be amazed what you can learn from them.
Many self-help blogs and books on mentoring suggest you scout out a potential mentor and pursue that one person. There’s nothing wrong with this targeted strategy, except that you may miss out on a lot of potential mentoring. I’m not saying you should give up on connecting with the important exec down the hall, but the exec’s assistant may have insights that are equally valuable. Assistants, secretaries, and receptionists see a lot of high-level managers come and go, and often have learned a good deal about what it takes to break through. They know about what’s going on in the organization and have the ear of at least one (if not more) important person in your company. Make sure you get to know them, and listen to what they have to say.
Instead of concentrating on building one mentor relationship, focus on cultivating the relationships you already have. Ask people questions and really listen to their answers. Find out what the Bills and Bobs in your organization are working on, who they rely on, what they’ve learned recently. Assume that everyone you encounter has something valuable for you to learn, and it’s your job to discover what that is. I guarantee you’ll be amazed by what you discover.
If, like me, you have been squirreled away in your cubicle without seeing the light of day, you need to make networking a priority. It’s not as daunting as it may sound. Here are some additional tips you can use to get started adding to your circle of information providers and tapping into those you already have. These tips will help you network while minimizing interference from the sex partition.
It takes work. Be prepared. Making friends and adding to your network is not easy, and it takes effort. To be an effective networker you must make networking a priority.
Water cooler talk and cubicle chats aren’t a waste of time. It’s counterintuitive (at least for me) that chatting with others instead of doing your work actually makes you more productive, but it’s true. You must buy into this to be able to establish a valuable network. Sure, it may be true that you would get more work done today if you forgo water cooler conversations, but you must realize that these chats are a long-term investment. They’ll help you down the road. Really. Coworkers, even those you might think are useless, often have valuable information to pass on to you. Unfortunately, that information isn’t just going to pour out of them as you walk up to them at the water cooler. It’s your job to find out what that information is. You need to ask questions and really listen to the answers. You may be able to help out your coworkers, too, and they’ll appreciate your efforts. Those coworkers that chat a lot often have more connections, and they may begin to sing your praises to other people.
Office parties aren’t a waste of time either. Do you remain in your cubicle while others share cupcakes to celebrate Brutus’s birthday? Just like the water cooler, these are great networking opportunities. The sex partition is minimized in these situations, because no one questions your motivations for being there. After all, it’s Brutus’s birthday.
Haste makes waste—take your time. If you’re always rushing from place to place and task to task, you won’t have time to establish new friendships. Once again it may seem counterintuitive. Using time efficiently certainly seems like the best strategy for getting more work done, right? You may accomplish more, but your network will suffer. Leaving a couple extra minutes to get to your meeting provides time to stop and follow up regarding your colleague’s kid’s soccer game. It also gives you time to take in your surroundings. When you’re not counting the seconds until the elevator door opens, you may notice who is riding in the elevator with you and acknowledge them.
Have a positive attitude. No one wants to befriend a sourpuss. If you go to the water cooler with a curmudgeon face, you won’t get the same reception as someone with a smile. If you look stressed out and rushed, you’ll be less approachable. Be open to starting a conversation.
Be a good coworker. Offering assistance to a coworker and being considerate of others’ ideas will be appreciated. Perhaps word will get out that you’re a good person to get to know.
Mix up your group outings. As many employees already have realized, one great way to network is to go out after work in groups. Young employees, in particular, often participate in group outings after work. Groups are great, because the sex partition is minimized in the group setting. Although the groups are typically mixed sex, no one questions your motivations for participating in group outings. The only downside of group outings is they tend to be made up of people you already know well. Recall there is often more value in networking with those outside your immediate circle of work friends (the value of weak ties). Also, while these group outings appeal to younger employees, more senior execs may be less likely to participate in group outings. In order to make these outings better networking opportunities, ask group members to bring a friend from another department. Invite senior execs as special guests to your favorite after-work hangout spot. To get the most out of group outings, you’ll need to branch out from the regular crowd.
Small groups are good too. Sometimes when groups get too large, it’s hard to forge new friendships. One alternative to the large group is to invite a few people you are comfortable with to lunch or after-work drinks and ask them each to bring one other person. Keep the group small enough so that you can get to know the new people. Figure out what you have in common with each new person and talk to them about it. If you can’t find anything in common, then find out what they’re passionate about and ask them about that.
Follow up. For salespeople, following up often comes naturally—for me, not so much. Yet following up with new friends is a method of establishing a longer lasting friendship. Forwarding a new friend an interview you read with their favorite drummer demonstrates that you’re a good listener (you remembered their favorite musician), and that you’re interested in a friendship.
Go easy. Don’t be overzealous in following up. If you act like your contact is your new BFF, your motives might come into question—particularly if you’re following up with an opposite-sex employee. If you’re concerned about misinterpretation of your follow-up friendliness, include a disclaimer. Keep follow-ups professional and not too friendly or wordy. For example, “Re: article on drummer you like, see attached” doesn’t imply that you’re sitting in your office pining away for him or her.
Really listen. Remember each person you’re talking to has something valuable to share with you. To find out what this is, you need to be a good listener. The focus of the conversation shouldn’t be you. This doesn’t mean you can’t tell your coworkers anything about yourself or your experience. You should certainly reciprocate with your own helpful information. However, your focus should be on them, on really listening to what they say, and on following up with questions. If you’re thinking about what you’re going to say next, you’re not being a good listener.
Keep it short. You’re networking here, not bonding. If you’re known for being too much of a talker, coworkers may start to avoid you. Knowing how and when to exit conversation is as important as understanding how to start a conversation.
Include those in other organizations in your network. In addition to networking within your workplace, you should try to include a few people outside your organization in your network. While at first this may seem daunting, staying in touch with coworkers who move to another company is a great way to accomplish this goal. Set up a quarterly lunch with them and find out how things work at their new company. Attending conferences and joining organizations are other great ways to meet people with similar jobs at other organizations. Not only does this give you the opportunity to find out about job openings in other organizations but also it can provide ideas for making valuable contributions to your own organization.
Include your coworkers in your electronic social networks. It may seem silly to get LinkedIn with colleagues you see every day, but LinkedIn is a great way to keep contacts after you (or they) switch organizations. So valuable is LinkedIn to finding a new job, some organizations forbid their employees from having an account or listing their present employment out of fear their employees will be poached. However, of the hundred most connected people on LinkedIn (those people with the most “connections” on the site), only five are women.2
Share a laugh with your coworkers. What do you call a monkey that sells potato chips? A chipmunk. Okay, clearly, you’ll have to do better than that, but the use of humor brings colleagues together. Humor is an important part of establishing friendships with peers, bosses, and mentors. How does it work? Sharing a laugh with your coworker can improve your coworker’s mood, makes your coworker feel like the two of you have things in common, and helps your coworker feel like he or she knows you better.3 In situations where one of the jokers has higher status in the organization, joking can even make the power differential seem less noticeable.
Recall that having little in common was an obstacle that frequently blocked potential cross-sex friends. Humor can help bridge this gap. Humor researcher Cecily Cooper suggests that when a woman expresses humor with a male colleague, it may jumpstart a friendship because it signals to the man the two are more similar than he may think.4 Hey, you made me laugh—you’re not as alien as I thought you were.
Take the opportunity to bring some levity into your office and you’ll be rewarded with better relationships with your colleagues. After all, who would you rather befriend—a sourpuss or someone with a sense of humor who can appreciate the lighter side of things? But proceed with caution. Not all humor is equal, and it’s important to keep your humor on the positive side. If a person or group is the brunt of the joke, you may wind up alienating more people than you befriend.
Whether it’s the use of humor or a conversation at the water cooler, an advantage of these strategies is that they minimize the impact of the sex partition on your networking efforts. It doesn’t seem suspicious that Mary and Bob were seen talking in the elevator, or that Steve and Sue were both at the water cooler at the same time. If you begin to seek networking opportunities in your everyday activities, you’ll be surprised at how quickly your network grows.