16
State your name, rank, and intention.
—Captain Adelaide Brooke from Doctor Who1
In the film Liar, Liar, Fletcher Reede is devoted to his legal career. Putting his job first, Fletcher often breaks his promises to spend time with his son, Max. When he misses Max’s birthday party, Max makes a wish that his father would not be able to lie for an entire day. The wish immediately becomes true, and Fletcher is unable to lie, withhold information, or even mislead. As Fletcher enters his workplace, he’s forced to tell each and every employee exactly what he thinks of them. His 100 percent honesty reveals just how often most of us hide our true feelings and intentions at work.
I’m certainly not calling for everyone to adopt this absolute disclosure. However, if everyone was open, honest, and direct about their intentions there could be no misinterpretation at work. No one would fear that friendliness would be misinterpreted as sexual interest, because sexual interest would be stated. No one would wonder if sexual interest was reciprocated, because everything would be out in the open. I realize it’s unrealistic to expect this level of 100 percent openness, but a greater degree of honesty would go a long way toward breaking down the sex partition.
In fact, openness and honesty are key to navigating all issues surrounding romantic and sexual interest at work. When it comes to romance at work, there are basically five situations that can become uncomfortable for cross-sex friends. The goal of this chapter is to help you navigate through all five. Although honesty is a big part of getting through these situations, it’s not all up to the employees. There are also steps that the organization can take to make navigating these sticky situations a little easier. When it comes to romance at work, the big five are:
A closer look at each of these situations reveals that they do not necessarily mean doom for your cross-sex friendships.
Broaching Romantic Interest in a Colleague
In order to be perceived as professional as possible, it would be best to avoid all romantic entanglements at work. But many of us spend an inordinate amount of time with our coworkers, and attractions are naturally going to develop. If the workplace offered men and women a technique for broaching romantic attraction to their colleagues, it would solve a lot of problems.
I can’t believe I have to say this, but if you’re interested in a colleague, then leaning in for the kiss, awkward groping, and clunky come-ons are not the way to go. Yet time and time again these are the go-to moves for workers looking to hook up with a colleague. Why? Because misinterpretation of friendliness, hubris, or misplaced self-confidence leaves an impression that the come-on is desired. For ex-San Diego mayor Bob Filner, twenty women felt his alleged sexual advances were unwelcome.2 One alleged victim of his come-ons, Lisa Curtin, described to KPBS News that Filner “reached over to kiss me, I turned my head, and at that moment, on the side of my face, I got a very wet saliva-filled kiss including feeling his tongue on my cheek.”3 What was Filner’s defense? He spoke of the hubris in his behavior, implying he thought his advances would be welcomed by the women he pursued.4
Filner is not alone. Recall the allegations against former United States senator Bob Packwood, where a clerical employee alleged that Packwood “walked over to me and pulled me out of the chair, put his arm around me and tried to kiss me. He stuck his tongue in my mouth.”5 Allegations against Herman Cain suggested that he parked the car and then “suddenly reached over and put his hand on my leg, under my skirt and reached for my genitals. He also grabbed my head and brought it towards his crotch.”6 Feminist author Naomi Wolf described her professor’s unwelcome moves: “The next thing I knew, his heavy, boneless hand was hot on my thigh.”7 If, instead of these alleged clunky advances, these men had broached their interest in a more professionally acceptable manner, then their offers could have been shot down (or accepted) without repercussions.
Broaching sexual interest in a professional manner sounds like a contradiction in terms. We’re taught over and over that sexual interest in a coworker isn’t professional. Yet our current policies, which discourage employees from developing romantic or sexual interest in coworkers, simply aren’t working. We know organizations can’t stop romantic or sexual attraction between employees, and if the sexual attention is perceived as welcome, then all the sexual harassment training in the world won’t help. (“I didn’t intend to sexually harass, I thought he/she was interested in me.”) After all, sexual advances are only harassing if they are unwelcome.
Most people are aware that sexual harassment involves “unwanted” or “unwelcome” sexual attention. That is, consensual sexual attention, or sexual attention that is desired, does not constitute harassment. However, one of the most common questions that I receive regarding sexual harassment involves just this distinction: “How do you know if sexual attention is unwanted unless you try?” That is, the term “unwanted sexual attention” implies the outcome of the attention should be known prior to the advance, but how is this possible? Since men traditionally initiate first dates or make the first move, men are typically at a greater risk of misinterpreting interest. It is the employee who attempts to initiate romance who may end up facing sexual harassment allegations.
Even the EEOC acknowledges the complications involved in determining whether sexual conduct is indeed unwelcome, stating, “Because sexual attraction may often play a role in the day-to-day social exchange between employees, the distinction between invited, uninvited-but-welcome, offensive-but-tolerated, and flatly rejected sexual advances may well be difficult to discern. But this distinction is essential because sexual conduct becomes unlawful only when it is unwelcome.”8
So how does one broach sexual interest in a professionally acceptable manner? Get consent. Unfortunately, consent isn’t always on the minds of employees. An oft-repeated riddle illustrates this point. An equity trader posed the riddle to me and a trader in my group named Davilyn at a work dinner. “What is the difference between rape and seduction?” Being a salesman himself, the answer he was looking for was “salesmanship.” Davilyn gave a better answer. She stood up in the crowded restaurant and shouted, “CONSENT!” Davilyn was obviously correct. However, the misinformed salesman was shocked. Despite the fact that he had been posing that riddle to all his clients for years, no one had ever answered him that way before. Consent was clearly not on his radar.
We need to be sure consent is on everyone’s radar. You must get the okay, prior to diving in. (By the way, obtaining consent is also a good idea for your romantic relationships outside of the workplace.) “Can I kiss you?” would have saved Bob Filner a lot of headaches. But do employees know how to obtain consent? Sadly, many don’t.
What if we had a universally accepted signal of sexual or romantic interest? Employees would have to signal their interest and gain acceptance before asking for dates or sex or kisses or anything romantic or sexual in nature. In other words, organizations could actually teach people how to broach such interactions and obtain consent. Instead of the current paradigm of pretending romantic attraction at work doesn’t happen, organizations could offer their employees some useful skills. In lieu of having employees go in for the awkward grope, the uncomfortable kiss, or the unwanted touch, employees could have a professionally accepted way to garner preapproval. In other words, organizations could teach their employees how to obtain consent.
If you’re like most people, you’re probably asking, “Seriously? Do employees really need that? Men and women have been pursuing one another since the dawn of time; why offer lessons on it now?” My answer is many people don’t need it. Maybe even most people don’t need it. Think of it like sexual harassment training. Most people can figure out how to interact with coworkers without harassing them—even without attending sexual harassment training. The training is nonetheless necessary for the minority who can’t figure it out on their own. It is these few that cause a disproportionate share of the harassment problems. Since we don’t know in advance which employees are likely to sexually harass, we must offer sexual harassment training to everyone.
Similarly, some men and women may be able to effectively judge whether their romantic interest is reciprocated and can obtain consent on their own. However, we need to have some professional guidelines for those who are not good at this. Learning a professional manner for obtaining consent would help those who see signs of sexual interest when they are not there. Since we don’t know which people need this help, the professional manner of obtaining consent must be used by everyone.
Such signals of sexual interest aimed at obtaining consent certainly appear in other contexts. Former Idaho senator Larry Craig recently brought the foot-tapping-in-the-bathroom-stall signal into the spotlight. Apparently, foot tapping in a public men’s bathroom signals a desire for anonymous gay sex.9 Those who are in a bathroom stall and want to signal their interest, first tap their feet. If the person in the next stall also taps their foot, it is a signal that the interest is reciprocated. Next, typically, one of the interested parties will stick their hand underneath the stall or pass a note on a paper. After both parties consent, and it’s safe, they move on to sexual contact in the space beneath the partition between stalls. In case you missed it in the news, Senator Craig was arrested for allegedly signaling his interest in a public bathroom in the Minneapolis–St. Paul International Airport in June 2007. Why did this foot tapping evolve as a signal of interest? Because the alternatives, such as exposing your arousal in a public bathroom, can get you in trouble if others in the bathroom aren’t keen on having a restroom sexual encounter with you.
More recently, Governor Brown instituted the “yes means yes” law in California. Under this legislation, California universities that receive public funding require that, prior to engaging in sexual activity, students obtain “affirmative, conscious and voluntary agreement.” This law aims to make obtaining consent the norm on college campuses.10
An analogous situation occurs in the workplace. Leaning in for the kiss, a grope, a hand on the thigh, or even lingering around someone’s desk or cubicle can get you in trouble if the target is not receptive. A recognized signal of interest that it is either confirmed or rejected by the prospective partner could help avoid any unwanted physical come-ons.
So what would be an appropriate method of signaling interest and obtaining consent? First, the method would have to be officially sanctioned by the organization and presented to employees, to ensure it would be universally recognized. It need not be as subtle as foot tapping, and probably should not be subtle at all (the problem with foot tapping is one could accidently provide consent). As suggested by the “yes means yes” law, a verbal acknowledgment is all that’s needed. A simple script, “Are you okay taking our relationship outside of the professional realm?” that requires a simple yes or no answer would suffice. If that’s too corny, something more lighthearted and humorous could be implemented, as long as all employees were familiar with the phrase or word. “Kangaroo?” “No, thanks.”
If the signal is rejected, then the employee must accept this conclusion and cannot repeat the invitation. A response of “no” would have to mean no. If the allegations against them were true, then Bob Filner, Herman Cain, and Bob Packwood would have benefited from the use of a script. Individuals could no longer suggest that provocative dress was a signal of consent or that a coworker was sending signals suggesting sexual interest. Interest would have to be confirmed. It’s important to note that the script should not only be used before groping or kissing a coworker but also before asking a coworker on a date.
The script has obvious flaws. For example, there is no hard evidence that an employee used the script, and so one could claim consent was obtained, when in fact it was not. Similarly, one could consent when given the script and then later deny ever having consented. Organizations could demand that written consent be obtained to establish a record, but that does eliminate some of the romance. So while not eliminating all problems, this solution would certainly help eliminate one. That is, it would eliminate awkward situations where one believes their sexual advances are desired, but they’re not.
Most important, the script would allow men and women to interact with less fear. Friendliness would be less likely to be misinterpreted as sexual interest (he didn’t say “kangaroo”), and fears of clunky advances would be reduced. This is an easy lesson that could be taught during sexual harassment training and would both reduce the likelihood of sexual harassment charges and break down the sex partition.
Consent needs to become the policy when it comes to workplace romance. It needs to be the obvious precursor to any romantic entanglements at work. “I thought it was welcome” could never again be an acceptable justification for grabbing, groping, kissing, or any other come-on. If you’re interested in a coworker, obtain consent first. It’s not hard, you just have to ask, and it could save lots of headaches.
A Coworker Is Romantically Interested in You
The second potentially awkward situation at work occurs when a coworker is interested in you, and you don’t feel the same way. Finding yourself on the receiving end of unwanted romantic or sexual interest can be extremely challenging. If your organization has not implemented a script, or the enamored employee has chosen not to use it, you’re in an uncomfortable position. If it’s your boss that has the hots for you, you must tread even more carefully.
Once again, directly addressing the situation is the best response. “Are you flirting with me? Because you’re making me uncomfortable.” Unfortunately, disclosing your lack of romantic interest may be difficult, especially if you’re not 100 percent sure their interest is romantic or sexual. What if you tell someone you’re not interested, to find out they’re not interested in you?
It’s tough to come out and directly confront your amorous colleague, but your disapproval of his or her behavior doesn’t have to be harsh or malicious. The most important thing is that this person knows his or her behavior is making you uncomfortable. Try, “I’m sure you’re just joking around when you say things like that, but it makes me really uncomfortable, so please don’t do that anymore.” It gets the message across loud and clear, but it gives the amorous employee an out. “Oh, yeah, I was just kidding.”
If it’s the environment that’s making you uncomfortable, then talk about it. Recall that Sarah felt awkward when her colleague invited her to lunch at a romantic restaurant, and she wondered whether her colleague was aware of the restaurant’s romantic ambiance before they walked in. She was only interested in a friendship with this man but thought he might have been interested in more.
Sarah could have let her coworker know that the whole lunch made her uncomfortable. Indicating, “I’m sure you didn’t know that this was such a romantic restaurant. It actually makes me uncomfortable to be in a restaurant like this with a male coworker. I’m sure you didn’t realize what it was like, but let’s just eat quickly and get back to work.” Her intentions were made perfectly clear—this is a business lunch, not a romantic one.
If the direct approach doesn’t work, you can always implement what I call the third-grade strategy. Recall in third grade, if you “liked” or didn’t “like” a boy or girl in your class, you’d have a friend do your bidding for you. When all else fails, the third-grade approach still works. Have a trusted colleague send the message for you.
Finally, and most important, if the behavior is making you uncomfortable and your efforts at discouraging the behavior are being ignored, then head to a trusted manager or your human resources department. You have every right to be safe and comfortable at work, and those who don’t take no for an answer should be reprimanded.
Will Your Friendliness Be Misinterpreted as Sexual Interest?
Recall the fictional anecdote that opened this book about the woman who declined the invitation from a senior colleague. Joe, a senior partner, invited Anita to grab a beer to discuss her long-distance-running training regimen. Anita was thrown off by this invitation. She didn’t know if it was a date and certainly didn’t want to send the wrong message to Joe. She was also concerned about what her coworkers and her spouse would think when they found out she was imbibing with a senior manager in the firm. Anita declined the invitation.
What if Joe had added to his invitation for a beer, “Don’t worry, it’s not a date. I really just need some suggestions on my training. I’d suggest we get coffee during the day, but it’s tough for me to get free time during work hours.” Would it have made a difference? It might have just been enough to make Anita comfortable with the situation. Openness and honesty about your lack of intentions are just as important as openness about your romantic feelings.
Since men are more likely to misinterpret women’s friendliness as sexual interest, the burden of this disclosure typically falls on women. This doesn’t have to be an awkward, serious “Sit down we need to talk. I’m afraid you might be misinterpreting my friendliness” type of conversation. Just be honest and recognize how your friend might misinterpret your actions.
Let’s say, like romantic restaurant visitor Sarah, her colleague also wasn’t interested in anything more than a friendship. He could have said, “I had no idea it was this kind of restaurant. You probably think I’m trying to hit on you or something, but I’m not, and I really didn’t know this was a romantic restaurant when I suggested we come in here.” Clearly stating his intentions, he would have put Sarah at ease, and perhaps a great friendship would have blossomed. Recognizing how a colleague might misread a situation and clarifying your intentions are critical in these situations.
You’re Already Canoodling with a Coworker
In the fourth type of sticky romantic situation, you and a coworker are already engaged in a romantic or sexual relationship. First and foremost, for the sake of your colleagues, don’t keep it a secret. I won’t reiterate all the problems involved with secrecy in workplace romance (see chapter 8), but secrecy increases suspicion of all romantic relationships. On the other hand, your coworkers don’t need to know the details of your love life either. Once they know the two of you are an item, keep it professional in the office.
The other guidance here is really common sense. If you maintain a professional demeanor, your relationship shouldn’t pose a problem. I don’t need to tell you that coworkers won’t think it’s cool if you show favoritism or give preferential treatment to your lover. Displays of affection at work are equally inappropriate. Continuing last night’s argument in your cubicle will be deemed unprofessional.
Maintaining professionalism at the end of the relationship is also key. It may be hard to reestablish a healthy working relationship after the romantic liaison ends, but it is critical to demonstrate professionalism through every stage of the relationship, particularly the last one.
For good reason, most organizations frown on subordinate-superior relationships. If you’re dating your boss or your direct report, one of you should probably work on getting a transfer. If your organization frowns on workplace romance altogether, you’re out of luck. Secrecy or finding a new job are your only alternatives.
What Will Coworkers Think about Your Cross-Sex Friendships?
Even when there is no romantic interest, cross-sex friends run into trouble when other colleagues misinterpret the friendliness. Let’s say you pal around with an opposite-sex coworker in your office. You share inside jokes, hook up for a Starbucks run in the afternoon, and visit each other’s offices frequently. In other words, you’re friends. In many workplaces, rumors would start to fly, and it’s important not to let gossip bring down your friendship.
The first step is to get out in front of the rumors. Directly tell your coworkers that you are just friends. Invite coworkers to join you on your Starbucks runs, so they understand it’s not “alone time” for you and your friend. Leave the door open during office visits. If a coworker alludes to your workplace romance, set him or her straight. If you’re married or in a relationship, introduce your spouse or partner to your workplace friend. Most important, don’t try to keep your friendship a secret. Secrecy will only increase the likelihood of suspicion and gossip.