PLYMOUTH ARGYLE
‘It’s official! Plymouth Argyle v Exeter City ranked English football’s SECOND biggest rivalry!’
‘The biggest sleeping giant in football.’
talkSPORT
Devonlive.com can add as many exclamation marks and capital letters as they want to that statement, but they still won’t make it true, even if it is based on an actual survey. And even Inspector Clouseau would be suspicious of a survey that also claims only Portsmouth and Southampton fans hate each other more than these two vicious rivals from the hotbed of football that is, erm, Devon. But in an alternative universe it could be true, because talkSPORT have a point, and it’s a point that will be raised in the early seconds of any conversation with any Argyle fan.
To the west, you have to go through Cornwall and off to America before you find another professional football team, which may be why the Pilgrim Fathers set off for there in 1620,* and in any other direction there isn’t another League club for 45 miles. I know this because my mate Bristol Mark, who supports Plymouth,† reminds me every time he sees me. Every time. Still, I suppose in the absence of actual success, potential success is a great consolation.
And if Devonlive.com are right, imagine how much more Exeter fans would hate Argyle if they were huge. Although, as Bristol Mark will be reading this, I happily admit that they are huge – in Devon. They regularly get 12,000 at home in League One or Two where they live, and their away fans travel in incredible numbers considering how far away they are from everywhere. Or, how are far away we are from them.
Josh Widdicombe is a comedian and presenter of Channel 4’s long-running The Last Leg. He is also from Devon and a proper Argyle fan.
He gets cross about a lot of things and geography is one of them:
It kills every conversation. If I mention who I support, no one has anything to say apart from to tell me it’s a long way away. Not if you’re there, it’s not! It’s the most southerly, the most westerly and the biggest city never to have a top-division team. Not things to be proud of, Kev, but at least we have a massive away support. Just don’t mention it’s because everyone moves away from the area.
Oh, bugger, he said not to mention it. Josh is also a classic example of how some people just don’t get it:
I took my daughter to kids’ football recently, in her Argyle shirt, and one of the other mums asked if I supported them ‘to be different’. Supporting Plymouth isn’t a decision like being a fan of the Fall!
I have a soft spot for Josh and for the city of Plymouth. My first serious girlfriend spent four years at college there, and it’s hard not to have fond memories of a city where you were getting regular sex for the first time. It also had Monroe’s, a club where the DJ’s idea of an uplifting dance number was anything by Joy Division; and the Minerva, a tiny pub in the old part of town that had a punk-only jukebox and cider in barrels, which, they claimed, was only ready when the dead rat inside it had dissolved.
Well, they claimed that to Londoners like me, but as I loved Joy Division, punk and regular sex, I was happy to put up with the odd bit of powdered rat in my cider. And, of course, Plymouth had Argyle. The only team in England to be named after an army regiment. Well, in England anyway. Although they were a Scottish regiment. The Argyle and Sutherland Highlanders were apparently posted in Devon at the time, despite the distance from Argyle, Sutherland and the Highlands.
And, whisper it softly, but there are some unromantic souls who point out that there was a pub in the middle of the city called the Argyle Arms, and it’s quite possible that the two local lads who founded the club in 1886 may have looked no further than the beermats for inspiration. A-ha, say the romantics. How come Argyle wore green and black shirts, similar to the green and black of the Argyle tartan? Fair point, but green and black are also the colours of the Borough of Plymouth.
Does it matter? Yes, actually. Such seemingly pointless, and hopefully unresolvable, discussions are like golden grist to the mill for those of us obsessed with the history and culture of football.
And, as a kid, I was amazed that they were even allowed to wear green shirts, because that’s what goalies wore! To a seven-year-old, that’s a conundrum to keep you awake at night. And it wasn’t just any old green, it was a sort of olivey, dark green, officially known as ‘Argyle Green’. They had their own colour! Football is brilliant, ain’t it, Dad?*
Sadly, for fans like Bristol Mark, whatever the origins of the name or the kit, Argyle, the sleeping giants, have spent a lot more of their history sleeping than gianting. True, they’ve won the Third Division a couple of times, and yes, they got to the FA Cup semi-final in 1984. And they hold the record for the fastest five goals ever scored in Football League history – 17 minutes on their way to beating Chesterfield 7-0 in 2004. But this is a team whose record attendance is 43,596. In 1973, they got nearly 38,000 for a flipping friendly, although Pelé was playing for the opposition. Yes, you did read that correctly. His team, Santos, toured Europe, playing hastily arranged games for cash.† Plymouth won 3-2. They beat Pelé! They should be massive; although God knows what Bristol Mark would talk about then.
JOSH WIDDICOMBE
And my memories of watching Plymouth? Ah. There you have me. I’ve never been there, even though you could see the floodlights from my girlfriend’s flat. I’ve seen them and their massive away following many times at Selhurst, but, let’s face it, if you’re a 21-year-old given the choice between an afternoon of passion with your partner or an afternoon watching a team you don’t actually support …
Why You Shouldn’t Support Them
■ It’s your own fault you’re not a huge club. Get on with it.
■ I was actually sick for a week after one night in the Minerva. Could have been the 13 pints of cider, could have been the dead rat.
■ Turns out that drunken sailors and 21-year-old men with eyeliner don’t always mix. Yet another reason I stayed in a lot.