THEM: The Framers were all devout Christians.
ME: You think everyone was a devout Christian. You probably think Jesus was a devout Christian.
THEM: The Framers were opposed to taxation.
ME: The first day in office, Washington (as President) and Hamilton (as his Secretary of the Treasury) taxed carriages and whiskey, then opened a bank to put the money in.I
THEM: The greatest influence on the Constitution was the Bible.
ME: Then why doesn’t the Preamble read: “We the Chosen People . . .”?
THEM: To understand the Constitution, you have to read The Federalist Papers.
ME: Nobody can read The Federalist Papers. Madison and Hamilton wrote the damn things, and they couldn’t read The Federalist Papers.
THEM: The Constitution gives everyone the right to own a gun.
ME: The Framers didn’t want everyone to have a vote, let alone a gun!
THEM: The Constitution does not grant homosexuals the right to marry.
ME: The Constitution also does not grant the right of homosexuals to win all the Tonys. So what?
THEM: The Framers were a diverse group.
ME: The Framers were as diverse a group as the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.
THEM: James Madison is the “author” of the Constitution.
ME: The Constitution is the greatest “cut-and-paste” job since the New Testament.
THEM: The Framers believed in term limits.
ME: I’m with you on this: I figure if a congressman can’t steal enough money in three terms, he’s too dumb to hold the job in the first place.
THEM: The only way to interpret the Constitution is to determine what the Framers were thinking when they wrote it.
ME: You can’t even figure out how the Framers took a piss in pants without a fly. How do you expect to figure out what they were thinking?
I had teenagers. I never knew what they were thinking. And we lived in the same house.
Hell, I don’t even know what I’m thinking half the time.
I. Okay, maybe not the first day.