Therapy and recovery combined are a dynamic duo. Recovery gives you a conscious mind and a process that renovates your life. Therapy gets to the root of the issues that first turned you toward addiction.
In the twenty-first century, many types of therapy are available, ranging from left-brained, logical, rational therapies to flowing, process-oriented, experiential therapies. The injuries that lead to misery addiction are generally more responsive to process-centered therapies, such as depth therapy or certain talk therapies in which the relationship with the therapist is the healing tool.
However, do look for a therapist who also knows about addiction. A therapist not wise about the subject can be fooled by your misery addiction. Your therapist also needs to know the importance of the recovery process and be able to see the signs of relapse.
You especially need a therapist who understands that addiction cannot be controlled. Therapies that are based on control (and there are some that have proven effective for some people, though not for people with addictions) will just set you up by feeding the fantasy that enough control can make your misery addiction go away. You’ve already wasted huge chunks of time chasing this impossible goal.
This therapy should be about you. You need a process designed to assist you in discovering yourself and in helping you visit your own depths, within which are the tender histories that have shaped your life.
Look for a therapist you feel good with, someone who can really see you for who you are, someone you click with and feel safe with.
Choose someone who is honest and who knows how to be present.
Choose a professional who loves her work because she will operate out of passion more than out of a profit motive. She will also give her work an extra measure of involvement.
Since misery addiction is a relatively new concept, I’ve included a letter to therapists (see appendix B). This letter refers therapists to my Web site for additional information. A good therapist will be willing to read this material and use the guidelines in it to help you.
All therapists make mistakes. No one is perfect. Sooner or later yours will do something that makes you angry. Sometimes it’s a true mistake, in which case you get to explore how you feel when someone you trust screws up. Sometimes it’s a projected mistake—one that you only imagined. In this case, because of your perspective, your issues, or your actions, you see your therapist in a light that reflects you more than him. It is your therapist’s job to help you discover something about yourself that is revealed by that projection.
A therapist’s mistake (real or perceived) is always fertile therapeutic ground—not a good reason to quit therapy. You can let that be your excuse if you want, but you’ll get more out of talking about it with your therapist and learning from it.
You probably already know that anyone in a position of authority for you should not be sexual with you. If this happens, find a new therapist immediately.
A good therapist is like a good parent. She notices you, pays attention to you, reflects you, counsels you, listens to you, is on your side, shows you to yourself, and offers genuine affection.
A therapist is not, however, charged with doing more for you than you are willing to do for yourself. Although your therapist has experience dealing with resistance, if you dig your heels in and fight him at every turn, he is not required to be more powerful than your “no.” He can witness it, he can offer options, and he can care about you stuck inside it, but he is not required to engage in conflict with you. You are sovereign over your life, your body, and your therapy. You can sabotage it, or you can decide to let it work.
Some therapists supplement their traditional skills with other approaches that enhance the therapy experience. Some of these are energy work, nutrition counseling, Reiki (energy healing), hypnotherapy, past-life therapy, toning, body work, color therapy, light therapy, rebirthing, reparenting, spiritual enhancement, and group work. In the case of therapy, more is usually better. Of course, the better the therapist, the more valuable the therapy.
Since misery addicts tend to give themselves less than what they need, therapy is a good place for opposite action. Give yourself more than just the basic experience. If your therapist leads retreats, go to one. If she has another skill, try it. Approach therapy with an openness for change.
It can be a typical self-sabotaging decision to limit your therapy sessions to whatever your insurance coverage provides. The badly designed lottery called mental health insurance rarely covers the number of sessions a person actually needs to reach all but the simplest therapeutic goals. Plus, while many good therapists are approved for insurance coverage, many other good ones are not. Few people at any insurance company actually know the covered therapists or anything about the quality of their work. Therefore, don’t limit your search for a good therapist to the list in your health insurance book, especially if your insurance covers only a paltry number of sessions.
You need a therapist who understands and can foster a healthy attachment, who understands what is meant by a secure base and safe haven, and who knows how to support a person in recovery. If he has an understanding of misery addiction, even better.
This is the quality of the rest of your life we’re talking about here. Getting the right kind of help will pay you back tenfold. It will rescue your remaining days on earth and help you to, at long last, live and enjoy some of your dreams.