CHAPTER 5

The Check Yourself Checkup

Let’s just be up front, right here, right now.

Despite the fact that I’m giving you a Check Yourself Checkup, I am soooo not judging you. Testing you? Sure. Think of it as DateMistress Dennie’s dating orders to make you stay vigilant through self-examination.

After all, we’ve just been through a whole “It’s you” section, which calls for some serious self-reflection and work. It was a necessary section to start out with exactly because that Get-out-of-Relationship-Free utterance, “It’s not you…it’s me,” has often caused us to wonder if in fact, the break-up could’ve been avoided if we had practiced personal defensive dating awareness.

And let’s be really straight with each other. As you went through those most-bound-to-be-broken-up-with behavior types, didn’t you kind of laugh and shake your head because as you read each description, a relatable, dating disaster moment popped into your head? And when you started reading about rebounding and rerunning, didn’t you actually stop a second and admit that yes, last Friday night’s date fit the sitcom routine? Didn’t you have a sky-opening, choir-of-angels-singing, light-bulb moment of confession that, “Yup, I guess I have contributed to undateworthy circumstances”?

I am so proud of you. You’re about to receive your first belt in Dateworthy Defense.

That said, before you can really feel that you are truly able to recognize and reject “It’s you” disorders, you must check yourself via the Check Yourself Checkup.

The checkup is comprised of two parts. First, there’s a quiz to get you to think back on some of what we discussed. (That’s right, a quiz—this is the one opportunity I approve of you scoring, if you know what I mean…Oh, come on, you know what I mean!) Second, there’s a series of lists that you should actually copy and put on your bedroom mirror. It’s a good spot while dating because, hey…until it’s a relationship, no one should be in your bedroom anyway. But we shall get to that in chapter 6.

Now, when you’re taking the quiz, there’s no flipping to the previous chapters until you are so absolutely, positively stumped that you have no other choice. Then it’s okay—it means that you really racked your brain, and that next time, you won’t forget what you worked yourself into such a frenzy to remember!

The Check Yourself Quiz

Read the following questions and answer true or false. Be Choosy—pick one answer only. Be self-worthfull—confident in your ability to know what’s right. Be honest—no fair peeking until after you answer! And take your time—Dateworthy, like Rome, wasn’t built in a day. (For your convenience, clicking the "Answer" link reveals only the answer for that question, so you can tally your score as you go.)

True or False

As a self-described, dating-disaster-loser-magnet, the common denominator in all your bad choices is usually circumstances that are out of your control. Answer
Putting your hobbies aside for his and really taking on his point of view shows an ability to compromise, which is a good dating skill to have. Answer
There’s nothing wrong with picking a fight if it means passionate make-up sessions. Answer
It’s important to know right off the bat what a guy’s marriage potential is. Answer
It’s never a good idea to pursue someone who doesn’t immediately make you weak in the knees. Answer
Your list of Non-Negotiables must include honesty, education, respect, and an intense attraction. Answer
Technically, if you’re the one who did the breaking up, you are not a rebounder. Answer
The best way to get past a spoiled romance is to start a fresh one with yourself. Answer
After a breakup, you’re better off being alone with your thoughts. Answer
Depression is a phase that you go through only if you were dumped. Answer
Your Enlist to Resist ensemble is to be used only in emergencies. Answer
The best way to deal with the pain of rejection is head-on, as soon as possible. Answer
Writing out a Do Not Apply personals ad is a terrific get-a-grip project that you can do to recognize and exorcise past undateworthy guys. Answer
You’re in rebound mode if every sentence is “ex-rated.”Answer
There’s nothing wrong with preferring a very specific physical type. Answer
Only men are visually stimulated. Answer
Being Picky is better than not being Picky at all. Answer
Only desperate women man plan. Answer
The “out of your league” mindset is a sign of insecurity. Answer
Fanzines, movies, and soap operas give unrealistic views of what’s important in a boyfriend. Answer
If you’ve been cheated on before, you can automatically spot another cheater within the first 20 minutes of a date. Answer
Bad Baggage is your best defense against getting hurt. Answer
You can have too much Good Luggage. Answer
There’s no value in strolling down bad memory lane. Answer
Dateworthiness: You’re either born with it or forget it. Answer

Answers

False. Being able to admit that you are the common denominator—and not chalking bad dates up to fate—gives you the power to take charge and remaster those disasters. Next Question »
False. Becoming a boyfriend blend is being a Shadow, one of the most-bound-to-be-broken-up-with behavior types. Compromise means being able to share and/or the willingness to allow him to have something he calls his own (“Pig racing? Oh, honey, you go and have fun—I’m going shoe shopping”). Next Question »
False. There’s something severely lacking in your connection if what it takes to find passion is to pick a fight. Next Question »
False. Person potential? Yes. Whether he’s just looking for a one-night booty call? Definitely. Marriage-ability? Let’s put it this way: Only a few dates in is a whole lot of dates too soon. Next Question »
False. There’s nothing wrong with pursuing someone whom we find attractive, but it is absolutely wrong not to allow ourselves to give someone who is funny, smart, kind, and seemingly thoughtful a chance. One of the most recurring stories I hear from women is that the one time they didn’t go for the guy who blew them away immediately, they found their amazing someone. Next Question »
False. Education is a Negotiable—and intense attraction: See number 5! Honesty and respect are the only two must-includes here. Bonus points if you remembered “loyalty” and “contacts you regularly” as the other Non-Negotiables! Next Question »
False. Perhaps you broke up because you finally had had enough of his bad behavior. Or because, once again, you were bored and over it. Either way, if you’re just out of a relationship, you are a rebounder, bound to be caught in yet another drama until you take the steps to figure out why you end up in undateworthy situations. Next Question »
True. By taking time to reconnect with yourself—realizing and remembering the things that make you happy and proud and thankful—you will be refreshed and ready for a fresh start. Next Question »
False. This is where your close friends and family can play a part in helping you get out the bad stuff that keeps revolving through your head and help you move forward. After all, grief shared is grief diminished. Next Question »
False. You can feel depressed even if you were the dumper. The end of something that you had such high hopes for definitely has some sadness attached to it. Also, if you were the dumper only because of incredibly ugly behavior on his part…well, then, you may have dumped, but he left this relationship long before you did. Next Question »
False. Your Enlist to Resist team is a terrific support system you should be able to turn to at any time—yes, in emergencies, but also to just bounce things around with. Next Question »
True. If you don’t deal with the pain and choose to push it aside rather than go through it, you can bet that it will turn into Bad Baggage that will weigh on you down the road. Next Question »
True. Actually writing out a list of all the characters that need not apply based on exes past is a great way to get a grip on what you should be looking for. Next Question »
True. If you cannot stop talking about him, you’re not over him—but your date will be over you in a hurry. Next Question »
False. Being very specific—or in a word, Picky—with a narrow list of physical characteristics definitely cuts out potential great dates. It’s okay to be attracted to certain looks—just be sure that there’s more than one criterion on your list. Next Question »
False. Women are incredibly visually stimulated. Unlike men, however, we are more open to what’s beautiful. Next Question »
False. Being Picky is lonelier, but not better. Next Question »
False. Smart, successful women always plan ahead so that they have a sense of control. Desperate women operate on a “grab it so that I’ll have something to take home” mentality. Next Question »
False. Understanding what your “league” is—that is, your strengths, things you need to work on, your comfort levels—means that you have awareness of who you are and what you deserve. Remember: “Out of your league” often means less-compatible, not overqualified, to be your boyfriend. Next Question »
True. So please, throw out those archived Tiger Beats and recent US Weeklys and no one gets hurt. Next Question »
False. If you figure being newly burned equals a more accurate radar, guess again. Most likely, you’re just experiencing Bad Baggage reflux—that is, dumping your cheating baggage all over this guy who may not even deserve it. Next Question »
False. Carrying around Bad Baggage—aka lousy love lessons—means being too full to make room for great potential dates. Next Question »
True. Surprise! Too much Good Luggage—the stuff you use to override Bad Baggage—can make you look and act high-maintenance. Keep Good Luggage to a few, well-thought-out pieces. Next Question »
False. Sometimes taking a second look at a bad memory—and then, thinking about it with a newer, more positive spin—can take the sting out of it and leave you feeling powerful. Next Question »
False! Dateworthy just takes some practice and experience! Scoring Key »

So…did you score big??

20–25 correct answers: If he comes a-knockin’, you are rockin’! While you may not be fully prepared to handle the two-headed being (Curious? Keep reading!), you will definitely be able to hold your own until you get through Parts 2 and 3!

11–19 correct answers: Be careful. Your relationship could end up a relation-slip! You may have the basics…but you’re a few details short of Dateworthy behavior. It sounds to me that you did a little hop and skipping over some important points. If so, I’ll make it easy for you with the Part 1 review below.

If you have less than 10 correct answers: Girl, get it straight before that important date! Remember: You need to be Dateworthy before you can attract Dateworthy. Grab a highlighter, reread…and retest!

Check Yourself Review Checklists

Below are lists of behaviors you have to either permanently erase—or embrace—in order to keep up the “It’s not me!” Dateworthiness you have just attained. Read through them, out loud and proud, in front of a mirror before every date and allow them to seep into your brain and become a part of your new self-worthfull mindset.

Don’t feel silly. I’ll recite them with you. Let’s start.

Reject Bound-To-Be-Broken-Up-With Behavior Types

First, read all of the below, then say out loud with me: “I reject…” and fill in that blank with each of the following:

• The Time Bomb: Wanting to know where the relationship is going too soon.

• The Shadow: Giving up your sense of self.

• The Drama Queen: Finding fighting exciting.

• The Diva: Treating someone as “less than.”

• The First Sighter: Believing the “love at first sight only” myth.

• The Rescuer: Falling for men who need someone to take care of them.

• The Other Half: Dating men lacking Non-Negotiables in order to avoid being alone.

• The People Pleaser: Going out with your parents’ dream date.

• The Money Honey: Grubbing despite gross-out factor.

• The Green Monster: Being overly suspicious or jealous for no reason.

Rebounds and Reruns

Now, I want you to follow up the following statements with an “Absolutely!”

• I’ve done the work and know I’m not in rebound mode.

• I have my Enlist to Resist support system in place.

• I will watch for guys who talk about their ex constantly, seem too eager to jump into something serious, or still seem bitter or unwilling to discuss past relationships.

• I am going out to have fun, make a new friend, and think of making a love connection as a bonus.

• I will have a list of ten visual qualities and greenlight guys with at least three of them.

• I will date someone completely different from my “usual” type.

Two Picky or Not Picky Enough

I have done my man planning and understand the Non-Negotiables. I should demand:

• Honesty

• Loyalty

• Respect

• Makes me feel like I’m a priority.

I will avoid Two Picky judgments, such as wanting too many Non-Essentials (good dancer, wears designer clothing). I won’t expect from someone anything I am unable to offer.

And I will avoid Not Picky Enough habits. For example, having a bad date is not better than having none, and self-worth has to come from within, not from being wanted. I know that I have the right to be treated with respect, care, and kindness and to speak up and move on when someone is treating me less than I deserve.

Bad Luggage

I have worked on my Bad Baggage emotions and replaced them with Good Luggage lessons, such as:

• Trusting others. I replaced closed-off judgment with a willingness to give a person a chance to earn trust.

• Trusting self. I replaced fickle-falling-for with the idea of building friendships first.

• Desperation. I replaced “I’ll make you want me now” with “I’ll wait for someone who wants me too.”

• Oversensitivity. I replaced ex-comparisons with a fresh page.

• Resignation. I replaced no expectations with expecting what I’m prepared to give back.

• Insecurity. I replaced self-worthlessness with self-worthfullness.

Now, go ahead and be able to fully accept that the next time he says, “It’s not you, it’s me,” he’s telling the truth!

In our next section, “It’s Not You!,” we’ll take a look at those guys who truly are the reason why things aren’t working out…and give you the power to avoid them. Because, after all, while it may technically no longer be your behavior that is causing undateworthy moments, it is still the choices you make that contribute to it.