Chapter 13: Dating after Destruction

Whenever I get a letter from a reader who just went through a nasty breakup or, even worse, was put through such incredible emotional or physical abuse by a man who told her that he loved her, I often end my response with, “I want you to wrap your arms around yourself and squeeze and know that I just sent you that great, big hug.”

Sure, being hugged by yourself and imagining someone else doing it is not the same as having someone who truly loves you there and doing it for you. But I’ve done it at times of terrible hurt and heartbreak, and I always feel better. I think that if you go with the idea of giving yourself a big hug sent by someone with you in mind, heart, and spirit, you still believe that others can care for you like that. I also think that you find your ability to make yourself feel better, even for a moment.

Those two things—the ability to believe and the ability to be strong for a moment if it means making things better—are really good signs that you will find that courage to give dating, and all the emotional stuff that goes with it, another shot.

In chapter 2, I talked about how you need to go through several stages of grieving before you are ready to jump into the dating pool. But before you can even go through that process—which is dealing with self-healing and growth—you need to go through several stages to strip yourself of the relationship itself:

I know it seemed so shocking at the time, but…I’m betting if you look back on the relationship, there were lots of arguments and disagreements and dissatisfaction and, man, even the sound of the way he brushed his teeth would cause you to grit yours.

I’m sure that it all was so routine—“just the way we are, I guess”—that you never, ever thought someone would have enough and end it. But the tension increased and then…he walked.

RelationTip: Most relationships don’t end just out of the blue—someone was experiencing the blues long before.

If you two have that kind of dramatic, highly volatile relationship thing going on, it’s sometimes hard to know whether this is just a temporary thing…or if it’s really the big one. But certainly, the fat lady, if you will, has sung your last love note if:

• Your partner has done something so heinous that you absolutely cannot forgive him.

• You both agree that you’re just too tired and/or battered to even consider that there’s anything left to salvage.

RelationTip: While it takes two people to make a relationship work, it only takes one person to end it.

Know it’s really over when one of you is no longer willing to be in it—when that person says it, and then follows up with avoidance and then with…dating other people. I don’t think it gets any more painful than the moment you witness that.

dating diary

When I caught Frank cheating and lying, I offered to give him another chance if he ended it. He chose not to and told me that I was free to stay or go—he didn’t care.

I stopped eating, sleeping…I cried every day, and the pain in the gut area was just so unbelievable that I never, ever thought I could survive it. My friends and family were so worried about my health, and I couldn’t blame them—I didn’t recognize the person I saw in the mirror, nearly twenty-five pounds thinner and with giant circles under her eyes. I prepared to move out—looking at apartments on my own after work, commuting back home two hours, and then watching…at this point, numbly…while he whistled and primped and got ready to meet his girl.

“Bye,” he’d say. And sometimes he didn’t come back in the mornings. But I kept thinking it was a phase, that he’d go for counseling, that…

I finally gave up and moved out. Well, he moved me. He got the U-Haul and packed my stuff and helped me out of his home and into mine. And when he brought all the boxes in, he looked around and smiled, and said, “Hey, you know, this isn’t a bad place. It’s actually pretty nice.” I looked at him incredulously. “Okay, gotta go—can I get a hug?”

As he walked toward me with his arms outstretched, I finally got angry. “Get out of my house,” I said, very quietly and controlled. And feeling in control for the first time since this started. And he did.

You knew it was over, but watching your man actually leave and start his own life and leave you behind…well, you think, that just can’t be happening.

But it is…and as hurt as you were in the last stage, this one is going to be a mixed bag of anger, fear, confusion, and even panic. You’re thinking: “He’s really gone. What will I do? How dare he? What happens now? I can’t even imagine ever going through this again.”

It’s even worse if you two had one time exchanged vows before family and friends and promised happily-ever-after. You feel so incredibly betrayed and like you’re used up. “I don’t want to be a ‘divorcée,’” you think. Add to the mix that you have kids…and now, you feel like you cannot allow yourself to feel anything to help maintain their sense of security.

Actually, right now is the most important time for you to deal with those feelings, to get them out. Remember when I said, “Grief shared is grief diminished”? You’ve got to talk to trusted friends, relatives, clergy, even a professional to help you understand that this is not the end of your life—just the end of this relationship, one relationship of many that you currently share…and will eventually share in the future.

dating diary

I knew that Frank continued to see the woman he had cheated on me with, but I didn’t know her and never expected to actually run into them. I went into a bar to meet a friend one night, and there they were, on stools, wrapped around each other. I just stopped and stared. My friend tried to hustle me out of the place, but I couldn’t budge. It’s like trying not to look at a bad accident on the side of the road…you just can’t help yourself. They saw me and he said something to her like, “Let’s leave.”

I walked up to him. “That is why we broke up? You left me for that ugly little thing?” I felt like such a loser but I couldn’t stop myself. He just left. I went to the parking lot and cried. The worst part? She was his mom’s hairdresser, and despite the fact that his mom knew everything that was going on…she continued to have her hair done by her.

Ugly, right? I know. I’ll chalk up that unattractive moment to just being incredibly, deeply wounded.

Eventually, the anger and the hurt and the histrionics just get too much to keep doing on a day-to-day level (that only happens in the world of soap operas where they get paid really well to endure that level of emotional drainage). So you shift and adjust. Allow yourself to enjoy things again. Find that there are hours in a day that go by when you did not have a thought process of him…and kick yourself for having to think about how long you didn’t think about him.

Once you’re here, you can start looking into doing the grieving work for the old relationship as mentioned in chapter 2. It’s important to actually work through each step in order—jumping ahead to get through the healing process faster can’t work if your emotions aren’t in the right place for the particular exercise.

Denial: You still think there’s a shot at getting back together despite the fact that he’s kept his distance…and that your relationship wasn’t as good as you try to remember it.

Depression: You realize that it’s truly over and feel unattractive, unneeded…unworthy of love (this is totally one of those “wrap your arms around you and give yourself a big hug from me” times).

Anger: From “How dare he?” to “How do I not let another jerk in my life?” Angry energy turned around in a positive way can be very proactive and healing.

Acceptance: It’s done. And you can’t change that…but you can learn from that and turn it into some Good Luggage.

This can be a really tough time and the temptation to do something bad—numb the pain by drugging, drinking, or binge eating; hiding out from work, school, family, friends, or church; or even taking part in meaningless one-night stands with the ex just to feel loved—is a very common reaction.

Before you even think about venturing into that territory, I want you to stop and remember: In order to find self-worthfullness, you have to fill your life full of positive things. Did Tina Turner allow Ike to turn her into a drunken old has-been? Make like Proud Mary and keep on rollin’ forward.

dating diary

After I moved out of Frank’s, I immersed myself in work and seeing friends. I pitched the idea of a romance column that’s still in YM to this day. I went out with friends and flirted furiously with guys just to see them react to me. I’d sometimes take or give out numbers, but kept dates at arm’s length. When I met a guy who was kind and thoughtful and caring—he could be something, I thought—I stopped those thoughts dead in their tracks because I did not trust my judgment. My goodness, all the guys I rejected until Frank, and I was so sure that with him it was real love. How could I know that I wouldn’t pick another dud next time?

You’ve reached the point where you know your life does not depend on this past relationship. In other words: Hot damn, you got through it! Time to move forward.

No, you don’t have to forgive that idiot that left you. Okay, if you’ve got kids, it would be nice if you could find a way to forge a friendship with the man, but you don’t have to do it immediately—and definitely not before you take care of yourself.

Forgive yourself for the fact that you didn’t make a good choice. And forgive him for getting in your path to make that choice.

Forgive yourself for any dumb things you did while you were trying to keep it together. Oh, and for those really juicy, God-awful revenge dreams you had.

Forgive yourself for all the mistakes you will make as you start over. Congratulate yourself that you’re willing to try.

And finally, trust yourself that this time, you’ll take your time and make a better choice.

Being a cancer survivor, I’ve been around many women who have lost a spouse and had to get back into the dating market again.

Many of them had a hard time with the idea. Some because they felt “guilty,” particularly because his family made her feel like he wouldn’t approve, or that they felt she hadn’t been “grieving” long enough. Others hated the idea of telling a potential date “my husband died” and then, of course, having to answer questions about what happened, opening old wounds. And many…frankly, they felt that he was the love of their lives, that they would’ve been together forever, and that they do not believe that anything could ever match that again…so why try?

RelationTip: We do not get just one great love in our lives. As our lives change and grow, so will what we need from another person.

I say try because the man you loved so dearly would want you to be happy. I say go for it because the death of your husband or partner changed you just enough that yes, it’s possible that there’s another man out there who is now a perfect love for you.

First, follow the grieving process as outlined in chapter 2, and don’t skip the anger part. As a matter of fact, anger is such a natural process to go through after someone so deeply loved dies, essentially leaving you to start over.

Second, don’t apologize to anyone for stepping back into the dating scene. If you feel you’ve gone through the grieving process and you’re ready to explore, that’s entirely personal and up to you. I know one young mom who was criticized for going on her first date only three months after her husband died of cancer. This was a woman who had to nurse a young, dying man around the clock for more than a year, and who had started her grieving process before the actual passing. If someone criticizes you, say, “I appreciate your concern, but until you’ve walked in my shoes, I don’t think you’re qualified to know what’s best for me.”

Third, don’t feel like you have to detail your husband’s death on every date. If a guy asks if you were ever married, simply say, “Yes, but that ended some time ago, and it’s one of those long stories that I’ll save for another time.” If he’s a good one, he won’t push the issue any further.

Fourth, there is no such thing as the soul mate, the one and only person that was destined to be with you. It’s a total fractured fairy tale and a term used by people who feel they need to prove just how deep their love is. There are lots of guys out there whom you haven’t met but will stir your soul, and your heart. You just have to keep dating until you connect with them.

Give yourself a chance on this. Everyone I’ve seen move on has been surprised at how much love they actually still had to offer.

And speaking of fractured fairy tales…in the next chapter, we’ll look at those lamentable legends of what love is supposed to be, break them down, and rebuild them into a more truthful tale.

CHAPTER 13