So, Somebody Fucked Up
F uck-ups will happen—we’re humans, after all—but you can still choose to show up in those moments. And that doesn’t mean swallowing your hurt or letting people walk all over you. Far from it, in fact. Showing up in this context means approaching failures (your own and other people’s) with true compassion, generosity, vulnerability, and confidence. It means having difficult conversations, addressing boundary violations and jerk behavior, owning your mistakes, offering genuine apologies, and—yes, sometimes—ending friendships.
If somebody fucked up and you aren’t sure how to proceed (Reach out? Ignore it? Run away and change your name???), you can always return to the four basic steps: noticing, processing, naming, and responding. Whenever you’re feeling lost in a friendship, showing up—for them, for yourself, for both of you—is a compass that will guide you on your way.
Radical Candor in Friendships
So often when a friend hurts or disappoints us, we convince ourselves that it’s better for everyone if we just swallow our feelings and say nothing—and then either slowly pull away from the person who hurt us, or harbor bitterness for years. But both of those options can seriously corrode a relationship; being honest is often the kindest course of action for both you and the other person.
Think of an instance in which someone you care about confronted you about something you did that upset them, or told you honestly that they believed you were making a bad decision. Did it suck to hear that? Probably. Did you live? Probably!!!! Because you know what’s worse than someone you like and respect telling you that you messed up? Finding out that someone you like and respect secretly thought you were making a mess but was too chickenshit to tell you. Or having someone blow up at you—or ghost you—because of years of simmering resentment over grievances they didn’t have the nerve to tell you. Or feeling—rightfully!—like you can’t really trust your so-called people. That hurts way more than hearing kind, thoughtful, honest feedback from people who genuinely want the best for you and who want to maintain a close relationship with you.
This is why I aim to practice radical candor with my people. Radical candor, the brainchild of Kim Scott (who worked at Google and has consulted for several other big tech companies), is direct communication that is rooted in caring personally. It’s mostly used as a framework for management/leadership, but I’ve found it even more useful in my personal relationships.
Scott explains radical candor via a matrix. At the top is “care personally.” On the right side is “challenge directly.” In the four quadrants, moving clockwise from the far-left corner, you’ll find ruinous empathy, radical candor, obnoxious aggression, and manipulative insincerity.
Ruinous empathy occurs when you care personally but refuse to challenge directly. It’s an unwillingness to be honest with people about what you think because you believe that your directness would hurt or embarrass them. In the context of friendships, it might look like responding to a friend’s “Do you think I was too drunk last night at Ari’s party?” text with “Definitely not! No one thought that!” . . . when in reality, everyone thought that, Ari is rightfully furious, and your friend is no longer going to be invited to the group’s hangouts.
Obnoxious aggression happens when you challenge directly without caring personally. Using the same example, it might look like approaching the drunk pal—who you never really liked to begin with—during the party, and calling them out for their behavior in front of everyone in the meanest and most humiliating terms you can think of. Yes, there’s honesty, but it’s rooted in shame and blame instead of a genuine desire to see the person grow or change.
Manipulative insincerity occurs when you neither care personally, nor challenge directly. Like ruinous empathy, it begins with an unwillingness to be honest with people about how you perceive a situation . . . but in this case, it’s rooted in a desire to be liked or to gain some kind of social advantage. In the context of friendships, it might be telling the person who was definitely too drunk at the party that it was perfectly fine—not because you don’t want to embarrass them, but because you’re really hoping to stay on their good side so they’ll invite you to their amazing beach house this summer. It might also look like telling them it was fine, but then talking shit about them to everyone else in the friend group for the next month.
Radical candor happens when you are willing to speak honestly about how you perceive a situation because you care about the person and genuinely want the best for them. It’s saying, “Honestly, yeah—I think you had a few too many last night. I know Ari was pretty upset about your behavior, and to be honest, I don’t think they are wrong. You might want to think about apologizing to them, and also to Sasha, who you were pretty nasty to, and Quinn, who called you a cab because you couldn’t find your phone.”
Radical candor might also look like adding, “Are you doing OK? I’ve noticed you’ve been drinking a lot since your breakup, and I’m worried about you.” It also could have been pulling your friend aside during the party and saying, “Hey, buddy, this behavior isn’t cool and I think you should call it a night. Let’s talk more about it tomorrow; here—I’ll call you a car home.”
I love radical candor because it aligns so well with two of my core values: sincerity and compassion. It’s important to me that the people in my life know they can trust me—that my word is good, that I mean what I say. When I think about radical candor in relationships, the word that comes to mind is gentle. It’s not about being harsh or aggro to get through to people, or doing a big performative takedown. You don’t have to say, “Yeah, buddy, we’ve all watched you slide down this booze-filled slope since your breakup and it’s not cute.” You can simply say, “Honestly, I think you had too much to drink.” Radical candor is firm, but it’s quiet.
It’s also possible to not care personally and not be candid and not necessarily be insincere or manipulative. Sometimes you’ve just gotta say “Yep” or “Mmhmm” for your own safety or sanity or because you’re dealing with a person who is what we might call “a handful” and you don’t care about them enough to be the one who tells them. In that case, try to disengage overall—because if they think you care a lot about them, they might view your silence as approval of their behavior.
Radical candor can be difficult and feel incredibly uncomfortable, especially if you’ve been socialized to believe that your worth is dependent on your being likable. It also means you have to welcome radical candor when it’s directed at you—so, receiving feedback with grace, letting go of your defensiveness, swallowing your pride, and saying, “Thank you for being honest with me. I’m sure it wasn’t easy.” (A friend once said this to me after I was direct with her, and it made my heart swell up because I felt so seen and appreciated after having just done something rather stressful.)
Practicing radical candor is one of the ways that showing up for others can really feel like work. It requires confidence and trust and genuine empathy. You have to set aside your own need to be comfortable and risk your likability for the benefit of someone else.
How to Have a Difficult Conversation with a Friend
One of my favorite bits of wisdom is “The only way out is through the door.” I think of it whenever I or someone I know is spending a lot of time and energy trying to think of a creative solution to handle a problem that can really only be solved one way: by having a straightforward conversation. I used to do this all the time, particularly with crushes. I actively avoided any conversations where I had to be vulnerable and share my true feelings and needs. I was so afraid of being rejected and feeling bad that I spent a ton of energy trying to find an alternative exit. I tried every option and made every excuse for why I couldn’t possibly just walk through the damn door. And, unsurprisingly, this never worked out too well. It never got me what I wanted. More important: This behavior didn’t protect me. I still got hurt; all I was really doing was delaying the inevitable, and/or making things worse. Over time, I started facing difficult conversations with more courage, and I learned that it often sucked but was also fine.
I’d be lying if I said that I now enjoy having conversations about my needs, or that I like being vulnerable. I’m still not a fan of conflict or confrontations. But now at least I know I won’t die. And I also know that these interactions—like everything else—get easier with practice. Sometimes, the only way to deal with a situation is to have an honest conversation. Sometimes, the only way out is through the door.
Do You Really have to Have This Conversation?
If you’re conflict averse, you may be tempted to cut and run the second anyone does something that bothers you. Perhaps you’ll tell yourself that the person isn’t going to change their ways, or that this friendship isn’t that important to you anyway. “Friends: who needs ’em?!” you say. And the answer is: you! You need friends! We all do! You don’t need to be friends with everyone, and yes, it’s good to recognize when people are toxic and aren’t going to change, but so often, we use this as an excuse to get out of doing the hard work of showing up.
If you’re never willing to have difficult conversations with people, you’re never going to be able to have authentic, meaningful relationships. Most of us recognize that vulnerability is necessary for true intimacy, but for some reason we don’t view being honest as a way of being vulnerable. But of course admitting you have a need is a form of vulnerability.
A difficult conversation makes space for trust—trust that you can be honest with each other about how you’re feeling, trust that you can survive a tough talk and remain friends, trust that you both genuinely want the relationship to work and continue.
Some Common Scenarios That Might Call for a Conversation
The person . . .
You . . .
Responding in the Moment
In many instances, the best option is just to respond to a shitty or hurtful comment when it happens. But so often, we don’t know what to say. Here are a few responses to keep in your back pocket for those moments.
“What do you mean by that?”
I like this as a response to snide, snarky, or sarcastic comments that could be construed as a joke. It’s not a bad idea to get clarity—because there is a real chance you misheard them or misunderstood their tone, and that is good to know.
“Wow, that’s a really [rude/unkind/mean/thoughtless/hurtful] thing to say to me.”
Straightforward and sans equivocation.
“Oh, actually, I don’t think Casey would be OK with [you sharing this/us talking about this].”
You can interject with this if people are gossiping or sharing someone else’s personal business and you aren’t comfortable with it. And if they are attempting to get you to shit-talk a mutual friend, you could say something like, “Oh, I really like Casey,” and even add “so let’s change the subject.”
“Ouch.”
I like this response because it’s really unambiguous. It’s also short, which comes in handy when you’re too hurt or shocked to articulate yourself well. “Ouch” is the conversational equivalent of a referee blowing a whistle; it’s a little blast to indicate that everyone needs to pause for a second to address what just happened.
“Ouch” is also great if the person didn’t say something nasty about you but to or about another person who is present. In that instance, “ouch” communicates “You crossed a line and I’m not OK with it”—which the person the comment was directed at will likely appreciate.
“Uhhhhh, YES offense???!!!”
Use this one when someone tacks “no offense!” onto the end of an extremely offensive statement.
“I don’t think that’s funny” or “I don’t like those kinds of jokes.”
I have very little patience for people who say shitty things and then claim they were kidding, or insist that you need to lighten up. That sort of behavior can be really hard to call out; the person is counting on the fact that you’d rather let them act like an ass than be seen as “crazy” or “uptight.” But . . . whatever! If people think I’m uptight or sensitive because I expect my so-called friends to be respectful and kind toward others, that’s actually fine with me.
And remember: Body language really matters! Sometimes the best way to communicate hurt or offense is to furrow your brows and let your mouth and tone go flat. There’s nothing like a visible frown to say, “Wow, dick move.”
Talking to Someone after the Fact
Most difficult conversations don’t happen the second someone messes up; they happen later, once the aggrieved or hurt person has had time to process what they’re upset about and plan what they want to say. And this isn’t necessarily a bad thing! (As therapist Ryan Howes said to me, “Strike when the iron is cold”—i.e., sometimes, it’s best to deal with something when it’s not actually happening.) If you’ve found yourself in a situation where you realize later, Oh, that was deeply not OK and I need to say something, here are two tips to keep in mind.
Addressing the Problem
In some instances, the way you broach the subject can be very straightforward. For example, “Hey, friend, I just realized it’s been three months since I loaned you my red top; could I get it back from you tonight? I’d like to wear it this weekend.” Or even, “Hey, after you returned my red top last night, I realized it had a huge stain on it that wasn’t there before. The dry cleaner said it’s not possible to get the stain out, so could you cover the cost of replacing it?”
If you’re tempted to overthink this sort of low-stakes “confrontational” message, I get it, but it’s just not that deep! There’s no need to add, “I think you’re a really good person so please don’t take this the wrong way; I wasn’t sure if I should even bring this up.” Just focus on remedying the immediate problem. Keep it matter-of-fact and neutral, and they’ll likely respond similarly. (And if they don’t, that’s a Them Problem.)
When you’re communicating more serious behavior to a friend, you’ll probably want to give it extra care. In that case, here are a few tips to keep in mind.
Separate what they did from who they are.
Harriet Lerner, a therapist and the author of Why Won’t You Apologize?, says if you’re genuinely seeking an apology or a reconciliation, it’s worth remembering that people will shut down if they feel their entire sense of self is on the line. (And the greater the offense, the likelier that is the case.) If you can avoid labeling and shaming them as a person and instead focus on their behavior, you create more space for them to reflect and apologize.43
Believe me: I know how frustrating it is to have to think about the offender’s feelings when you’re hurt or angry. But this doesn’t mean you can’t express your pain, anger, or exasperation. It just means that if you want the person to truly hear you and to apologize or change their ways, you should try to avoid name-calling or going in hard on their very being.
Name the behavior.
There is power and practicality in clearly stating what, specifically, you’re upset about. So, say “When you said ‘all cat owners are slobs’” or “When you groped me” instead of “Your comments . . .” or “Your actions . . .” Even though using euphemisms might feel more “polite” or make you feel less vulnerable in the moment, directness matters in the long run, particularly if the behavior was really egregious. This can mean moving away from the oft-recommended “I” statements—but sometimes it’s appropriate to say “That comment was mean and uncalled for” instead of “I just really felt like that comment was mean and uncalled for.”
State the consequences of the behavior.
This could be something like “Your comment made me, a cat owner, feel terrible” or “What should have been a fun day was ruined.” I recommend doing this because it can be very easy to assume that their action was so obviously bad, they’ll immediately understand how you’re feeling or why it was a problem as soon as you name it. But that’s not always the case! So tell them in plain terms what resulted.
Consider sharing the consequences of their not apologizing/changing/remedying the behavior.
Again, that outcome may feel fairly obvious to you, but it might not be to them! So you might add something like, “I have to be honest: This is making me not want to hang out as much.” The goal is to communicate “This is a serious problem, so please treat it as such.”
Whatever you say, keep it short.
Harriet Lerner says that when we’re seeking an apology, most of us tend to go into great detail about the reasons we’re angry and upset. This feels satisfying, but it doesn’t help us resolve the situation or get through to the other person. “People take in very little information when they don’t want to hear what you’re saying,” Lerner says. “If your intention is to be heard and to make room for a sincere apology and behavioral change, opt for brevity. This is especially challenging if your automatic tendency is to say too much.” Do everyone a favor and keep it brief.
Stay curious.
Even if you’re 99 percent sure this person definitely fucked up, there’s a pretty good chance they didn’t think they were fucking up. So instead of bulldozing them with declarations about their intentions or character, say your piece and then let them speak. Listen to their explanations with an open mind, and be willing to admit it if you’re a little less right than you thought you were. It’s not always easy to do, but I’ve found that keeping “Stay curious” in mind during difficult conversations makes me softer, gentler, and kinder and really doesn’t detract from my ability to communicate that I’m upset or unhappy.
“You Fucked Up” Mad Libs®
So often, we don’t say anything when someone is acting up—or we talk about it in vague terms—because we simply don’t know what to say. But naming bad behavior is really important, so it’s helpful to develop a vocabulary for it.
While I believe in being as specific as possible, occasionally you’ll need general shorthand for “that thing you did,” particularly if you’ve already repeated “When you said ‘all cat owners are slobs’” several times in a row and you’re kind of short on time. So, here’s how to name these moments.
Here are some words to describe said behavior.
Here are some ways to describe the consequences of the behavior: “I/we/folks . . .”
“The behavior . . .”
Here are some ways to communicate “This ends now.”
I know that at a glance, this list can look scary and harsh and make you think I expect you to burn down your house to kill a spider. But! When you skip the words/phrases that aren’t right for your situation, pick a few that suit you, and add your own tone, feelings, and lived experiences, this list can cover a whole host of situations that range from “This behavior is kind of annoying” to “You ruined my wedding.”
Here’s what your confrontation or difficult conversation might sound like in practice.
What to say
“Hey, Parker, I’m not really here for all these snarky comments you’re making about my DIY hamster hotel plans. The ‘jokes’ aren’t funny to me, and are actually making me feel pretty shitty. Can you please knock it off?”
“Hey, Riley, I think I’m reaching my limit on listening to you make mean comments about everyone we work with. Jordan is a good manager who really deserves this promotion, and I’d really like you to stop talking shit about them to me.”
“Taylor, you know I love hanging out with you, but I’ve been feeling lately like we’re focusing a lot on your dating drama and I’m not getting a chance to share what’s going on in my life. Can you try to shift the balance a little so I’m able to talk about my stuff, too?”
“Hey, Skye, I’ve noticed recently that you’ve been nitpicking everything I say and shouting me down in group hangouts. I’m not sure if you even realize you’re doing it, but I end up feeling pretty terrible every time we get together. This is a space that used to feel really joyful and inclusive, and now it’s feeling very negative and toxic. I’d really appreciate it if you could try to be more conscious of it and make more of an effort to let me speak without interrupting me.”
When Your Friend Is Wilding Out
Sometimes, the people we love dearly can get so caught up in their own narratives that they lose all self-awareness and just start . . . wilding out. Maybe they are getting themselves in hot water at work, treating their dates badly, pissing off their other friends, and exhausting all good will—all while complaining about how all this conflict is so unfair and is everyone’s fault but their own. Their behavior might not be fully dangerous, but it’s still destructive. It can be incredibly tough to be their audience when all you want to do is say, “Actually, maybe it’s you.” Here are some tips for handling those moments.
Yes, you should say something.
If you’re telling yourself it’s not your responsibility to speak up or be honest, reconsider that stance. Therapist Ryan Howes says, “As a friend, it’s important to step in because people can be so unaware of what they’re doing. A big part of our job as friends or in any relationship is to hold a mirror up sometimes, and say, ‘Here’s what I’m seeing right now. I could be wrong, but it seems like this might be going on.’” Sometimes showing up means reflecting our friends’ behavior back to them.
If you can’t say anything, just be boring.
When people complain, they are seeking validation. They don’t want to solve the problem; they want to hear that they have every right to be pissed. If you don’t offer much in the way of an emotional reaction, you’ll be far less “fun” to talk to. So when they launch into the same story for the fourth time, you can offer very boring responses (e.g., “Hmmmm,” “That sounds rough,” “Yeah, ugh”). I’m not a huge fan of this approach because it’s so indirect, but it’s a good option when you can’t be honest with someone for some bigger reason. It may not entirely solve the problem, but it’s an OK place to start.
If they refuse your help or tell you you’re wrong, you don’t have to keep intervening.
There is only so much we can do in these moments; sometimes, you have to let people make their own mistakes. Howes says that once you’ve said your piece, you’re free to let them deal with the consequences of their actions. You also don’t have to convince them that you’re correct in your view of the situation; they don’t have to agree with you in order for you to be able to draw a boundary. You can just say something like, “I’ve already told you how I feel about this; I don’t think I’m the best person to vent to about it anymore.” Or “I feel uncomfortable being around [behavior]. I don’t want to be in that position anymore.”
When Envy Invades Your Friendship
Envy (wanting what someone else has) is normal, but it can sometimes be a malignant force in friendships. If you’re feeling envious of, say, your friend’s relationship or promotion, and acting out as a result, it can make your friend feel awful, and ultimately pull away. And if your friend is treating you differently because they are envious of you, you might feel angry, annoyed, hurt, or disappointed. Here are some quick tips for handling envy, regardless of which side of the equation you’re on.
If you’re the one who is envious . . .
If you suspect your friend is envious of you . . .
Dealing with the Jerk in Your Friend Group
Building a friend group where everyone vibes is so wonderful and special and rare . . . which is why it’s such a bummer when an individual’s behavior suddenly threatens to upend this lovely little community you’re assembling. Bad friend group behavior comes in all different flavors, and can range from relatively minor (e.g., someone is obnoxious or kind of a boor) to incredibly serious (e.g., someone is racist or is a serial sexual harasser). As tempting as it might be to ignore the behavior, let things play out, or dismiss it as “drama,” there may come a point when it has to be dealt with it more directly. If there’s a jerk in your friend group and you aren’t sure what to do, here are some tips to keep in mind.
Call out bad behavior in the moment.
While it often makes sense to confront bad behavior after a hangout, this is one situation where I think it’s worth doing it in the moment. First, it signals to everyone in the group that you’re not OK with some kinds of behavior. Second, it can be an important wakeup call. So often, we operate on autopilot with friends and don’t realize that something they are doing is out of line until someone else points it out. It also validates everyone else who has secretly been feeling the same way you are. You may find that others are relieved that you spoke up.
Responding in front of others in the moment makes it harder for the person who is misbehaving to blow you off, twist your words, or pretend it didn’t happen. And when you speak up, you give other people in the group permission to address the bad behavior, both now and in the future. To speak up is to start establishing a friend group and a culture where inappropriate or unkind behavior isn’t tolerated. If you’re not sure what to say in those moments, here are some options.
What to say
“I hope you’re not saying that because you think I/we agree with you.”
This is, to me, the gold standard, particularly in scenarios when you need to keep it polite and cordial (like in a work setting, or when you’re with in-laws). You can keep your tone mild, but be confident.
Other ideas:
“Yiiiiikes.”
“Ouch.”
“Wait, what?”
“That is . . . not a funny joke.”
“Wow, that’s a really [rude/unkind/mean/not funny/inappropriate/gross/fucked-up] thing to say.”
“Wow. Can we change the subject please?”
And, once again, don’t underestimate the power of tone and body language! If someone is making a terrible “joke,” dead silence and linemouth from everyone present is a great start. (If you’re texting, try “. . . . . . . . .” or “*blinks repeatedly*.”)
Sometimes, you gotta be The One.
It will probably not surprise you to learn that I am often the person gently calling out bad behavior. I do this not because I want to, but because someone has to in these moments, and no one else is doing it. Which is really frustrating! Confrontation is emotional labor that can cost real social or professional capital, and it’s frustrating when my friends and colleagues don’t recognize that and offer to share the burden.
The more power/privilege you have in a given situation, the more responsibility you have to speak up. But, all else being equal, if one person in your friend circle is always The One, it’s probably your turn to speak up. If you’re telling yourself it’s OK to stay quiet because this other person “is just better at it” or “they like doing it,” you may want to reconsider. Over the years, I’ve noticed which of my friends have been silent time and time and time again, even though they agreed with me, and even though they had more power or privilege. And over time, their silence has eroded our friendship. So if it’s been a while since you were the first one to step in and say, “Hey, maybe don’t” to a friend who was crossing the line, find your courage, and remember the only way to get good at something is to practice.
If you’re the one who is feeling hurt, uncomfortable, angry, etc., decide what you want/need from mutual friends to manage or remedy the situation.
Once you’ve realized you have an issue with someone else, figure out what you need and expect from others going forward. Here are some questions to ask yourself, plus what to say in each scenario.
Do you need a gut-check to get a sense of whether others feel this way?
“Every time I hang out with Remy, I leave feeling really drained—they talk over everyone, constantly interrupt, make really mean ‘jokes’ about me, and never bother to ask me how I’m doing. Have you been getting that vibe, too?”
Do you just need mutual friends to know about the problem for the time being?
“Remy has been making mean ‘jokes’ about me lately and I really don’t like it. I’m not confronting them about it right now for Reasons, but I’m also not inviting them to my birthday party. I’m not asking you to take sides or take action; I just wanted you to know why they aren’t on the invite list.”
(That second sentence might also look something like “I’ve already had a conversation with them about it, but I also don’t really want them at my birthday party” if you have, in fact, confronted Remy.)
Do you need mutual friends to take action or do something different?
“Remy has been making a bunch of mean ‘jokes’ about me lately and it’s been really draining. Can you please let me know if you are planning to invite them to future hangouts so I can emotionally prepare and plan to avoid them?”
Variations on this one:
“Can you please intervene in the moment if you notice it happening?”
“Can you please let me know if you’re planning on bringing them along? I might want to opt out in that case.”
“Can you please tell them to cut it out since [you’re the host/they’re your close friend/you’re the reason we keep inviting them/I already have and they aren’t listening]?”
“Can you please stop inviting them to our hangouts?”
And if a friend comes to you and says “Hey, Mutual Friend is pissing me off” but doesn’t tell you what they need from you, ask: “How can I help?” “Do you want me to say something?” “Would you prefer if I stopped inviting them?”
Remember: Friend groups are governed by their own rules.
“Innocent until proven guilty” and “beyond a reasonable doubt” may be the legal default in the US, but friend groups are different—as my friend Jennifer Peepas, aka Captain Awkward, has said, you aren’t required to cite a dozen examples of iron-clad evidence before deciding a mutual sucks. The law of a friend group can be, “If several people are getting icky vibes from someone, that’s reason enough to stop inviting them!” It might also be, “We don’t give racists/misogynists another chance because that increases the chances that more friends will be harmed.” Some folks in your group may attempt to litigate invite lists or push back on ostracization, whining about due process and the presumption of innocence, but you don’t have to accept these debates. (And, I’d argue, you shouldn’t accept these debates or spend much time/energy on them—because doing so legitimatizes them.)
If a friend says, “This person makes me uncomfortable and I don’t want to hang out with them,” believe your friend.
Don’t interrogate them, try to convince them their feelings are wrong, or default to a “Well they’ve never done anything to ME” defense. If your friend is taking it seriously, assume it’s a pretty serious matter. It is OK to ask for information if you’re genuinely not understanding the issue, but those questions should come from a place of curiosity and thoughtfulness, which you can communicate through your phrasing and tone.
Then again, if you don’t believe your friend, just own that.
Siding with the alleged jerk is a choice that you’re allowed to make—a choice that may cost you this other friendship, yes, but a choice that you might feel is best in this moment. In those instances, it’s better just to say, “I think you’re overreacting/being unfair/wrong and I’m going to continue to invite this person, but I don’t expect you to attend” to the aggrieved person, and then deal with whatever consequences that choice spurs. Pick a side (and know that not making a decision is making a decision), be confident in it, and accept the fallout.
It’s really, really OK if we aren’t all best friends.
Sometimes, you have to accept the fact that two people you really like just don’t like each other all that much. If neither is doing anything egregious, and they aren’t asking you to intervene, it’s probably not your problem to solve. Trying to force a friendship for the sake of group harmony rarely ends well.
If you’re going to start excluding someone from the group, you may need to say something.
You may be able to get away with not saying anything if you’re choosing not to include them in a fairly intimate, private hangout. They might find out—and will likely be hurt—and it’s up to you to decide if you’re OK with that. (More on this in a moment.) But if you’re disinviting them from an established weekly gathering, then . . . yeah, you can’t just pretend the group disbanded.
If you decide to give them a head’s-up, you can approach that the same way you’d approach any difficult conversation with a friend and utilize the tips from earlier in this chapter. But you may need to turn your confidence up a notch. Be prepared to hold firm if they insist it’s not fair, say their bad behavior was just a joke or “no big deal,” or try to plead their case to the other people in the group. And if you’re telling them to stop hitting on all your female friends because it’s making everyone uncomfortable, or telling them to knock off the racist jokes, know that they are probably going to protest. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it. (Please, I’m begging you, tell them to stop hitting on everyone!!!) But feelings of shame tend to skyrocket in group situations, which can result in heightened defensiveness and emotional reactions.
Use your best judgment when deciding how blunt to be. If the friend is being obnoxious but not super harmful, or their behavior is rooted in a lack of self-awareness or a more delicate Them Problem, be gentle and kind but still direct. But if they are being actively harmful, ignoring clear boundaries, and/or have disregarded all previous attempts to get them to knock it off, you might need to make it clear that this is a serious problem. Here’s what this conversation might sound like.
What to say
“Hey, I wanted to talk to you about all the ‘jokes’ you’ve been making about Quinn the past few times we’ve hung out. These comments are incredibly cruel and not funny, and I’m not comfortable having you at my birthday party or around much in general right now. I hope you’ll take this to heart and apologize to Quinn, and work on earning back everyone’s trust again.”
Alternatives for other scenarios:
“All of this negativity is sucking the joy out of what used to be a really fun space.”
“These comments aren’t funny and are, in fact, incredibly concerning.”
“This behavior is creepy and really, really not OK.”
“These comments are so cruel they make me question your character, and I’m not comfortable being around you right now.”
And if the person isn’t making you personally uncomfortable, definitely talk to the person who raised the issue and find out what exactly they’re OK with you sharing. They may be fine with your saying, “You’ve been really nasty to Quinn lately and it’s not cool” . . . but they may prefer you go with a more vague option like, “You’ve made a lot of really mean comments during our past few hangouts, and folks were getting fed up with it.” That said, try not to pass the buck too much here; it might be wise to add “and I can see why” or otherwise communicate that you agree that the behavior is a problem.
If you decide not to tell them why you’re blowing them off, be ready to give them a non-bullshit answer if they confront you about it.
A lot of people will ask you why they weren’t included or invited when they expected to be, so it’s worth thinking about that when you decide to not invite them.
What to say
“The truth is, I’ve been pretty upset about all the mean ‘jokes’ and nasty comments you’ve been making about me recently, and I didn’t really want you at my birthday party.”
“The truth is, your ‘jokes’ have been making people uncomfortable lately, and I can see why, quite honestly.”
“It’s important to me that all my friends feel comfortable in my home, and your mean ‘jokes’ and nasty comments are standing in the way of that.”
“Honestly? You’ve been really negative lately and it’s a problem.”
When a Friend Confronts You
There are few things worse than having someone you care about tell you that you hurt them or did them wrong. When it happens, most of us tend to react quickly; before you can even process your red-hot shame, it’s been flushed away by a huge wave of self-preservation and defensiveness. The next thing you know, you’re in fight-or-flight mode, pouring gasoline all over an already fiery situation. Not ideal! Here are some tips to try to keep in mind instead.
Breathe.
This is classic advice for a reason. When your signals are jamming, breathing helps you stay grounded so you can respond more thoughtfully.
Listen to understand.
So often, in moments of conflict, we listen to disagree. Instead, aim to understand. If you need to ask questions, go ahead—but come from a place of curiosity, not defensiveness. (As usual, your tone will do most of the work here.)
Curiosity: “I’m surprised to hear you say that you don’t think I care about the success of the Popcorn Gala, because I’m really enthusiastic about it and its mission and have been putting a ton of effort into the decorations. Can you tell me what I’m missing here?”
Defensiveness: “So when I offered to make ALL of the decorations, that didn’t COUNT?!?!?!”
Try to identify something you agree with.
It won’t always be possible, but saying something like, “You’re right—I totally forgot to prepare the Popcorn Gala Committee meeting agenda for today, and I looked like an ass” can diffuse a lot of tension and be a small step toward a resolution.
Know that it’s OK to request a minute to take it all in.
Most of us need time to process criticism—to cool down enough to truly hear it and respond to it thoughtfully, or to offer a meaningful apology. If you feel yourself getting defensive or angry, ask for a moment to collect yourself.
What to say
“I can feel myself getting emotionally flooded right now, which is making it harder for me to process what you’re saying and respond appropriately. Could I have a second to collect my thoughts?”
“I am feeling a little defensive hearing this and I know that’s going to stand in the way of our being able to have a productive conversation right now. Would you be willing to give me a minute to [take a lap/get my bearings/process what you’re saying] before I respond? I know that’s a lot to ask, but I care about you and I don’t want to respond when I’m feeling so emotional.”
They may not be willing to acquiesce, but it’s still a completely reasonable request!
If you can, thank them for being honest with you.
I know this might be difficult if they are really pissed at you, or if you disagree with what they are saying. But ultimately, they are doing you a favor by telling you how they feel, and expressing gratitude legitimizes their need and honors their vulnerability in this moment.
If you didn’t respond well, own up to that ASAP.
So, you blew up. It happens! You can still say something like: “Hey, I just wanted to apologize for how I reacted earlier when you mentioned that I’ve flaked on the Popcorn Gala Committee a few times recently. I [got defensive/snapped at you/was super argumentative/told you I hadn’t been blowing you off when I knew I had], and that wasn’t cool of me. You didn’t deserve that, and I’m sorry.” (And yes, you should still do this even if you’ve already apologized for the core issue they were upset about.)
“Are You Mad at Me?”
When a friend suddenly starts blowing you off, making snide comments about you, or otherwise treating you differently, it feels bad—especially if you have no idea what has caused this change in their behavior. In that case, you might be tempted to confront them to ask what’s up. Great! I’m all for that! So, let’s talk about how to make that conversation better, regardless of which friend you are in this scenario.
If you’re the one doing the asking
First, know that “Are you mad at me?” is a fine way to ask them about this, but if you want to spark an honest answer or productive conversation, you can tweak the question a bit. Instead, try this: observation + curiosity + space.
Your tone matters a lot here; you want to communicate genuine openness and contrition. If you can’t have this conversation without guilt-tripping them, you may not be in the right headspace to have it at all. Also, don’t apologize preemptively (“If I did something wrong, I’m sorry”). You can’t apologize if you don’t know what you’re apologizing for!
Once you’ve said your part, be prepared to hear them out. Try not to get defensive; instead, stay in that place of humility and contrition.
If you’re the one who is being asked, “Are you mad at me?”—and you are, in fact, mad at them
Being confronted in this way can lead to a panic moment where all you want to do is make it stop—so you lie and say that nothing is wrong, that you’re just really busy; or you say you haven’t been making snide comments (when you know damn well you have). And I get it, I really do. But unless you’re opting to be less than truthful for reasons like personal safety or super extreme circumstances (like you’re actually about to testify against them before a grand jury), the right thing to do is be honest.
Look: they aren’t wrong to ask you if something has changed in the relationship—because something has changed, and they’re picking up on that. They worked up the courage to ask you about it, which isn’t easy. Telling them everything is fine when it’s not is cruel; it’s going to make them feel crazy. Fight the urge to panic-lie, and try something to this effect instead:
What to say
“You’re right. I have been [doing that thing], and that was [unkind/immature/uncool/shitty] of me. The truth is, I’ve been pretty upset about [thing you’re upset about].”
Then—non-defensively!!!—offer an honest explanation for your behavior. This isn’t about justification; it’s about helping them understand how you got here. So, that might be something like . . .
“I didn’t have the guts to talk to you directly about it.”
“I was hoping these feelings would go away once I had a little time/space to process them.”
“I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to handle it.”
“I was planning to say something to you this weekend over coffee.”
“I didn’t realize it was affecting how I treat you.”
“I was afraid to talk to you about it because the last time we had a similar conversation, you screamed at me.”
If the reason you’re upset is too big or nebulous to get into in that exact moment, or if responding with total honesty is out of the question (e.g., you’ve been blowing them off because you’ve been secretly helping their spouse prepare to leave them), you can still get in the neighborhood of honesty! Try something vague like, “I’ve honestly been pretty frustrated about a couple of things that have happened recently. I’d been planning to talk to you about it soon but now isn’t the right time; I’d like to gather my thoughts a bit. But maybe we can make some time to discuss at [a soonish date/time/planned hangout]?”
How to Properly Apologize
It’s never fun to admit you’ve made a mistake or to face the hurt you’ve caused, especially if you consider yourself a good person (as most of us do). But if you want to have meaningful, authentic relationships, you have to be willing to apologize, and learn to do it well. A mediocre “apology” can undermine trust for years or fully kill a friendship. Showing up means admitting you fucked up when you did, indeed, fuck up.
I feel very lucky to have been on the receiving end of a few incredibly thoughtful apologies in my life. These apologies saved important, valuable relationships that might have simple withered on the vine had my friends not had the grace and maturity to say, “I’m sorry,” and really mean it. Yes, my friends upset me, but their apologies were meaningful enough for me to forgive them and to think even more highly of them than I had before. That’s the power of a good apology.
First, know that much of a good apology comes from what you don’t say.
If you can’t offer an apology without qualifiers like “I’m sorry if I . . . ,” “I’m sorry, but . . . ,” and “I’m sorry you feel that way,” you might not be ready to apologize yet. Also skip “Do you forgive me?” and “Please forgive me,” which puts your friend on the spot and pushes them accept your apology before they’ve fully processed their anger or pain.44
Make sure you really hear the person out before you say, “I’m sorry.”
People who are upset want to be heard; don’t cut them off in your rush to apologize. “Words of apology, no matter how sincere, will not heal a broken connection if you haven’t listened well to the hurt party’s anger and pain,” Harriet Lerner says. This probably won’t be fun for you, but it will make a big difference to them.
Try not to center your own feelings about messing up.
Excessive use of phrases like “I feel awful” or “I’m so distraught about this” or “I’m a miserable piece of shit and I hate myself” can come across as insincere and leave the other person feeling like they need to comfort you. The person you hurt is not the appropriate audience for your tears or distress. Be sure to process your feelings with someone else before you attempt to apologize, and check yourself if you start sliding into this territory.
Embarrassed is a magic(ish) word when you’re apologizing.
“I’m so embarrassed” is a phrase we rarely hear, probably because it’s one we all hate saying out loud. But it’s so often exactly how we feel after realizing we’ve let someone down. We’re embarrassed we didn’t know better or that we were so thoughtless. We’re embarrassed that this other person had to spend time thinking about our bad behavior and that they may have even told other people about it.
In my experience, saying “I’m embarrassed” or “I’m mortified”—when you are, in fact, embarrassed or mortified—goes a long way in diffusing a tense situation. It tends to disarm people (myself included!) and helps us connect as human beings instead of opponents. If you’re struggling to communicate what it is you’re feeling when you’ve been confronted by a friend, “embarrassed” might be the exact word you’re looking for.
Don’t overdo it.
Yes, you should make it clear you’re taking this seriously, but the tone of your apology should match the seriousness of the offense. If you write a three-page apology letter for spilling coffee on a friend’s rug, it’s not going to land (and is probably just going annoy them).
Know that you have no control over what happens next.
Your apology may be accepted, but it may not. Or it may take them a little time to truly forgive you. If you enter the conversation thinking that the apology guarantees you a happy ending or means you’ll both move on and pretend this never happened, you may be disappointed. Try to come from a place of humility and open-heartedness; if you do, it will come through. Regardless of the outcome, you should be proud of yourself for apologizing.
Here’s a sample apology you can dial up or down as you see fit.
What to say
“Friend, this wasn’t easy to hear, but I’m really glad you were honest with me—I know that was probably a hard thing to do, and I’m grateful you did it. You’re completely right that I [said something cruel/dropped the ball/let you down/have been acting like a brat lately]. I’m really sorry I hurt you. My behavior was so thoughtless, and you didn’t deserve it. I’m incredibly embarrassed but I want you to know that I’m doing [XYZ] to make sure this never happens again.”
Friend Breakups
Sometimes, despite our best efforts, a friendship will need to end. You may already know this on some level, but I think acknowledging that friend breakups are real and necessary is really important.
When we tell ourselves it’s OK to settle for toxic friendships, we aren’t giving friendships nearly enough credit. Of course our friends have the power to hurt us so deeply that we need to walk away; to say otherwise disregards the significance of these relationships. I didn’t realize until after my first friend breakup that the fact that this person was indeed so important and influential in my life was exactly why it was OK—and necessary—to end our friendship.
Is This Friendship Over?
If you’re not sure it would be “right” to end a friendship, here are some signs it might be time.
There are a few different ways a friendship might end (or that you can end it): a fizzle, an adjustment, breadcrumbing, ghosting, or a formal breakup.
The Fizzle
Sometimes, it makes the most sense to let a relationship come to its slow, inglorious end. In practice, it might look something like this: You tried to make plans, one of you bailed, the other was supposed to check their calendar to find a new time and never got around to it, no one followed up, and now it’s suddenly three months later and both of you feel pretty *shrug* about it.
The fizzle is typically mutual—both parties just sort of know they’ve grown apart or no longer have much in common, and neither feels a strong need to talk about it or fix it. And while it can be the result of a conflict, it doesn’t have to be.
The Adjustment
An adjustment happens when you reduce the amount of contact you have or the level of intimacy present in the friendship—without calling it quits. It answers the question, “What if two friends break up . . . but remain friends?” If our friendships exist on a scale of 1 to 10 (with 10 being our very best friends), an adjustment might mean going from an 8 to a 3 or a 4. (It can also be a precursor to the fizzle—because once you’re at a 3, a 1 or a 0 might naturally follow.)
You could do an adjustment quietly, without any sort of conversation about it; that might make sense if you both know what happened or if you can’t be totally honest for social/professional/practical/safety reasons. But this is risky! It drags the process out, and a lot of people—particularly closer friends—will call you out for pulling away, or ask you what they did wrong. So if you’re hoping to avoid any sort of confrontation or conflict, it might not be possible this way.
The other option is to be open about it. You can tell the person what you need instead of hoping they’ll figure it out on their own. This might be the right option if you want (or have) to remain in each other’s lives but need to reset a few boundaries, do some work on yourself, rebuild trust, have less frequent contact, or reduce the level of intimacy . . . and you think they’ll be open/responsive to the idea. It won’t always make sense to be up front about it, but it can definitely work in some friendships and is worth trying if you and your friend genuinely care about each other but need a little space. (And if it doesn’t work, well . . . it’ll still “work,” you know what I mean?)
Breadcrumbing
When you think you’re doing an adjustment but the other person really doesn’t understand what’s happening (so they keep asking you to hang out and you keep claiming you’re too busy even though you’re not), you might actually be breadcrumbing. That looks like staying in contact but always dodging real plans, disappearing for days at a time but continuing to like their Instagram posts, insisting that everything is fine when it’s not fine, giving them very plausible excuses for why you can’t show up for them right now, and effectively leading them on. It’s easy to tell yourself that they know what they did or that you’re being obvious about the fact that you don’t want to be friends, but they might not know! It might not actually be obvious! Breadcrumbing is kind of a bummer for all parties, so I don’t really recommend it.
A Formal Breakup
Sometimes, it makes the most sense to officially end the relationship with a Serious Conversation. A formal breakup can be something you do for yourself or for the other person or for both of your sakes. I don’t think all relationships call for such a formal ending, and, in fact, it might be a little odd if you “break up” with a friend you aren’t all that close with! But before you breadcrumb because you think it’s the “nice” option, it’s worth asking yourself whether you’re really being kind in avoiding them, or if you’re actually doing it for selfish and kind of shitty reasons. Sometimes, the purest way to honor what a friend meant to you and taught you is with a clean break.
So, You’re Thinking of Ghosting
Ghosting is ending the friendship without any sort of communication or explanation and ignoring all contact going forward. It’s going from an 8 to negative 20 without so much as a hint. If someone is abusive, manipulative, or has ignored multiple “Hey, no, really, this behavior isn’t cool” warnings already, it might make the most sense to GTFO and pretend the relationship never happened. That said, it really hurts to be on the other side of this, especially in a close friendship; I don’t recommend doing it unless the circumstances are fairly extreme.
How to Officially Break Up with a Friend
If you’ve decided a clean break makes the most sense, you might be wondering how to break up with a friend. And the answer is . . . just like you’d break up with anyone else! But let’s get into some of the specifics of officially ending a friendship, including exactly what to say.
Decide how you’ll have the conversation.
Maybe it’s because I’m a phone call–hating millennial, but I’m actually not opposed to a text or email friend breakup. I think it’s more important that the medium make sense for this relationship. So if you two never, ever speak on the phone but exchange lengthy, well-written texts all day every day, calling them to dump them might actually feel weird or be harder. On the other hand, if they are a die-hard “I’ll call you” person who uses emojis all wrong, it might be easier on both of you if you just do it in person. You don’t have to have a difficult conversation via a medium you’re not fluent in just because it’s the “right” thing according to an etiquette guide written by someone who never had to compose an AIM away message that communicated everything in a single sentence.
Plan what you’re going to say in advance.
You don’t need to go in with a stack of handwritten index cards, but you also shouldn’t wing it. So scribble down some notes and memorize the broad strokes of what you come up with. (This shouldn’t be hard; as you’ll see in a moment, it’s going to be a pretty short conversation!) If you’re really stressed or anxious, it’s not a bad idea to practice your breakup speech on someone else.
Be very clear about what is happening, and say the most important words right away.
This isn’t the time for a long-winded *clears throat* “Merriam-Webster defines friendship as . . .” introduction. Just spit it out! Be very direct about what, exactly, you need; actually use the words “break up with this friendship” or “end our friendship” or “I don’t want to be friends anymore.” This is a good move in any breakup, but it’s even more important during a friend breakup, which not everyone is going to recognize in the moment is even a possibility. Muttering a lot of “I think we’ve both just changed” without saying what you want or need can be incredibly confusing.
Keep it short.
Listen: I feel you on wanting to present an itemized list of twenty years of disagreements here. But as satisfying as it may feel to air all your grievances on your way out the door, it’s not really productive or helpful in most cases. That said, it’s a kindness to give them some sort of explanation (assuming the reason isn’t wildly obvious). And if you don’t tell them why, they will likely ask you anyway! So come up with an honest, brief, and relatively tidy explanation for why you’re calling it quits, and try to use “I” statements.
What to say
If they let you down or betrayed you: “I don’t feel like I can trust you.”
If they are nasty to you: “I don’t like how you talk to me and treat me.”
If they are incredibly negative, or their unhappiness is affecting you: “I don’t like how I feel when we’re together.”
If it’s a boundary thing: “We clearly have different needs and expectations with regard to [time/energy/openness/intimacy/availability] in our friendship, and I don’t actually think it’s something either of us can or should change.”
If it’s a You Problem and/or you just no longer like them as a person: “This friendship is bringing out the worst side of me.” If it’s definitely a You Problem, you may also want to add something like, “I know that I need to do some work on myself to figure out/fix what’s going on with me. But I know I need to step away to be able to really do that.”
If they are wilding out: “You’ve been [acting really possessive and jealous/making a lot of racist comments/doing an astonishing amount of coke/making a lot of really inappropriate ‘jokes’] and it honestly makes me pretty uncomfortable. I can’t ignore it anymore or pretend it’s OK with me.”
If your core values or personalities are incompatible: “I think we are different in some pretty significant ways, and I actually don’t think either of us is wrong or should be expected to change. But I am realizing it’s difficult for me to be friends with someone who [doesn’t share any of my interests/has certain political beliefs/feels so different about their career than I do].”
If you need a good catch-all:
“Our friendship has become really toxic.”
“In the past few months, I’ve realized we are just incompatible in a bunch of ways that have started to add up.” (Note: They may want specific examples; be prepared and tread lightly.)
“This friendship doesn’t feel right to me anymore.”
“I don’t think this friendship is serving either of us anymore.”
Communicate how you want to handle any obvious social or logistical conundrums.
Before you have the talk, think about what you want to happen next, and come to the conversation with a plan in mind. That might sound something like . . .
“FYI, I’m going to unfriend you and unfollow you on social media.”
“I’m planning to stay at my parents’ until I find a new place to live, but I’ll continue to pay my portion of the rent in the meantime.”
“I know I’ll still see you in class until the semester is over; I hope we can keep things civil.”
“I’d like to come by this weekend to collect all of the books I’ve loaned to you over the years; if you want, you can box them up and leave them on the porch. If you prefer to go that route, I’ll send you a list ahead of time so we can make a clean break.”
“Given this, I’ve decided not to attend your wedding in May; I will, of course, pay for the cost of my dinner since I’m canceling so late.”
“Obviously we still have to work together, but I’m prepared to be polite and professional, and I have no intention of sharing what happened between us with anyone else if they ask.”
Put It All Together, and What Do You Have?
Here’s what your actual friend breakup might sound like, using the tips and scripts above.
“Hey, Harper, I am writing to say that I need to break up with our friendship. Ever since you told Casey and Ali the private details of my sex life without my permission, I haven’t felt like I could trust you. I’ve always considered you one of my best friends, but this was a huge violation, and I can’t be friends with you anymore. I know I’ll still see you at Jordan’s wedding next month, and I hope we can keep things civil. But beyond that, I am planning to stop all contact.”
“Harper, I think it’s time to end this friendship. We’re bringing out the worst in each other, and it’s become exhausting. I know my behavior played a role in this, and I’ll own that; I really crossed the line at Jordan’s party and I am sorry for how shitty I was to you that day. But I’ve given it a lot of thought and realized that I need to step away from this friendship. I genuinely wish you the best and am sad that everything is ending like this.”
“Hey, Harper, I know you’ve probably noticed I’ve been pretty quiet lately, and I want to be honest with you about what’s going on. The truth is, I don’t want to be friends anymore. You’ve made a lot of comments about Sam that have made me super uncomfortable, and I’m not OK with it. I had hoped things would get better with time, but it’s been three months, and I’ve realized I’m done with this friendship. I’m sad to lose you, but I think it’s for the best.”
Be prepared for them to react negatively or to be painfully honest.
You don’t have to listen while someone berates you, but you can give them a few minutes to say their piece before you bounce. That said, remember that a breakup isn’t a negotiation. You’re making this decision for a reason, and it’s important to hold firm, even if they cry or blame you or promise to change. If they try to talk you out of it or guilt-trip you, you can communicate that it’s not up for debate by saying something like, “I hear you, but I feel pretty strongly about this and know that’s not going to change.” If you want to own up to your shortcomings, you can add, “You’re right, I did really let you down last month and that wasn’t cool.”
Give yourself time and space to grieve.
My first friend breakup was made harder by the fact that I didn’t know how to express my hurt in terms that other people would understand. Had I broken up with a romantic partner, I would have had no problem reaching for the ice cream/French fries/tequila. But I spent the night after my friend breakup feeling embarrassed about how sad I was. It was actually a feeling I knew well, back from my dating days, when I struggled with the fact that we only seem to give credit to Officially Defined Relationships. I had done a lot of “Is this dating?” I “had a whole thing” on multiple occasions. In many cases, both parties were really emotionally invested, and there was genuine disappointment and sadness all around when things ended. But they were still hard to talk about once they were over. I couldn’t say, “I’m sad that I broke up with my boyfriend,” because, well, he wasn’t my boyfriend, so what right did I have to be sad?
Whenever a relationship like this ended, I’d think, This went on for a while! This was something! I want credit for what we had and sympathy for this pain I’m feeling! I’d feel sad, but also ashamed of being so upset over someone who wasn’t officially anything to me. I never really knew how sad I was “supposed” to be or “allowed” to be, so I was too embarrassed to talk about how I felt, or to admit that getting over it was going to take time and effort. Grieving, like breakups, was for people in real relationships.
But with my friend breakup, it hit me: A “real” relationship is any relationship that involves relating, labels be damned. So I put on my comfy clothes, snuggled on the couch with my dogs, and the next day I told my other friends that I was sad because I was going through a breakup. They responded with the same kind of love and support that they would have if I had broken up with a partner. Despite the fact that this isn’t something a lot of people talk about, I’ve realized it’s something that most people inherently understand as soon as you give it a name.