“You Are So Beautiful to Me”:
Redeeming Body Image
Here I am. It’s 5:30 A.M. and I can’t sleep. I [Carolyn] heave my sleep-deprived body into the bathroom.Yikes! The mirror reflects a female with bags under her eyes and a less-than-perfect coiffure. (Hot flashes—or power surges—in the night are not conducive to lovely morning hair!) A closer look reveals at least two extra wrinkles, and the low-fat yogurt I consumed last night seems to have been lathered on my hips, somehow managing to avoid the digestive process altogether. My leg is aching, and as I look down, I note a varicose vein has materialized overnight. It definitely looks colorful amid the spider veins and the cellulite dimples.What is the deal? I eat healthy, even include lots of soy. I swim five or six times a week. My cupboard is filled with supplements that I take regularly.Who is this woman? And how did the athletic, slender woman of twenty or thirty or even forty years turn into this?
In the midst of my musings, my husband comes in. At this point I begin to show him all my discoveries. He sympathizes with me, but then adds,“You sure look beautiful to me!” Has he lost his eyesight? Or have I lost my mind?
Many of us recall Joe Cocker’s rendition of “You Are So Beautiful.” Even though some may think he sounds like a croaking bullfrog, the message of the song is simple and touching. “You are so beautiful to me, can’t you see . . .You’re everything I hope for, you’re everything I need . . .You are so beautiful to me.” The problem for many women is that they “can’t see.”
BODY IMAGE AND ATTITUDES
Body image is all about what happens in the mind, not in the mirror. Remember, our most powerful sex organ is our brain.That’s where it all begins.When we see ourselves as unattractive, we assume our partner sees us that way as well. After all, we wouldn’t want to go to bed with ourselves, and as a result, we’ve just dampened our desire and interest in anything sexual.
We generally form our attitudes about our body from the people and ideas around us. Look at the following list. How have these influences affected the way you think and feel? Think about different parts of your body—your hair, mouth, legs, stomach, chest, genitals—and sort through how each influence has affected the way you perceive yourself.
• Media—television, movies, videos, songs, books, newspapers, and magazines
• Family—family values, comments, body shapes, interactions with siblings, parents, and grandparents
• Peers—friends, schoolmates, work associates, opposite-sex and same-sex influences
• Church and religious beliefs—sermons, comments, type of dress and conduct, and biblical interpretations
• Significant adults—Scout leader or youth minister, teacher, neighbor, boss, or friend of family
• Dates or romantic interests—group dating, individual dates, boyfriends/girlfriends, or previous spouse
Which of the above affected you most in your attitudes about your body as a young person, and which of them are still impacting you in midlife or beyond?
Now think for a moment about the people you have known who were or are older than fifty. How have they affected how you perceive this time of your life? Most people have a skewed perception of aging. It may be faulty in many ways. In this era, we are constantly subjected to the picture the media have painted for us—one of prizing youth, slimness, and being forever young. In addition, many baby boomers and their offspring believe that the rules (including aging) do not really apply to them. Boomers are very comfortable thinking outside the box and achieving new goals. Is all of this unrealistic? Not necessarily, provided we face the truth that aging can’t be avoided. A realistic approach must include knowing and understanding aging.
The apostle Paul sums up the mind-set that we must adopt in 2 Corinthians 4:16: “Our physical body is becoming older and weaker, but our spirit inside us is made new every day” (NCV).Aging is inevitable, but we have a choice as to our response to the process. In fact, the response we choose will greatly impact our self-perception and our relationships with our partners, our longevity, and our sexual functioning.
BODY IMAGE AND EXPECTATIONS
The cosmetic surgeons are kept busy making breasts bigger or smaller, tightening vaginas, removing wrinkles, eliminating sags, and liposuctioning fat. How we feel about ourselves definitely affects our ability to relax and enjoy making love with abandon and pleasure. Great lovers have grown to be comfortable and confident with their bodies and sexuality.
In a major study, two-thirds of the women said they were affected sexually by one or more aspects of their body image. “Most women suffer from unrealistic expectations about how their bodies must look and must continue to look.”1 In a mystery novel I read recently, the villain is never suspected until the very end. At that point, one of the characters says the reason the person was not caught by their actions or their comments was “because no one notices older women. Unless you’re beautiful like Laura, or pushy like me, or really famous in your field, no one sees you or listens to you . . .When we’re old and plain, we become invisible.”2
Unfortunately, there is much truth to this. Our culture bombards women with so many unrealistic expectations and stereotypes of what is attractive and sensual, it is no wonder more women than men get caught up in these stereotypes. However, men can experience these feelings too.
BODY IMAGE AND MATURITY
If this irrational notion represents “reality” in our culture, what can be done to correct it? Perhaps the following illustration will help.
I remember vividly my first visit to Willow Creek Community Church in the northwestern suburbs of Chicago. What a fabulous church facility—the latest technology,well laid out and practical location of various departments, easy access—it’s difficult to imagine that there could be any way to improve the place. I have also visited other churches where a single room can function as a gymnasium, worship center, multiple classrooms, or a dining room.The efficiency and functionality of these facilities are truly amazing.
I also recall on trips to Europe visiting some of the most marvelous cathedrals in the world. You could almost visualize the saints of long ago worshiping there. In this case, it was often not easy to access; the facilities (bathrooms in particular) were hard to locate and sometimes nonexistent. Some of the floors had been marred by swords or horses hooves and blood from war—but the gouges were no longer rough. They blended in to form the character and aesthetic beauty, which was enhanced by the light patterns woven in through the stained-glass windows.The beauty was awesome. I never heard any of the visitors comment,“We should replace this gouged floor with a new scuff-resistant material.” No, the beauty was enhanced because of the age. The “flaws” or “scars” were a testimony to the history of the place and memorialized events and people.
Which type of building is the best? It is obvious that they cannot be compared. Each has its own purpose; each has its own beauty; and each has its own place in time.Which facility is worth more? Again, there is not a standard to compare them.This, I believe, is a picture of what is happening to many people with regard to body image. The Sistine Chapel is not Willow Creek, and a fifty- or sixty-year-old body is not, nor will it ever be again, eighteen years old.
In many cultures, a special place of respect is given to aging individuals. Scripture also values aging as special: “Show respect to old people; stand up in their presence” (Lev. 19:32 NCV). Again in the New Testament we find that older women are to instruct the younger, attributing value and wisdom to aging (Titus 2:3-4).
BODY IMAGE AND ACCEPTANCE IN WOMEN AND MEN
This stage of life means being comfortable with who you are. Jennifer Lopez, one of Hollywood’s “hot”women today, was recently interviewed by Reader’s Digest.When asked what makes a woman sexy, she replied that it wasn’t the breast size, curvy body, or lack of cellulite, but rather a certain air that shows the woman is comfortable with herself. She also stated that she hopes she has helped Hollywood change its definition of beautiful.“It’s important for all types of women to know that you don’t have to fit a prototype of what one person thinks is beautiful in order to be or feel beautiful.”3 Perhaps Ms. Lopez is actually restating a biblical principle:“No, your beauty should come from within you—the beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit that will never be destroyed” (1 Peter 3:4 NCV).
Much of this chapter has focused on encouraging women to age gracefully and see beauty in the process, because women tend to struggle with this more than men. Interestingly, older men are sometimes described as “distinguished” or “wise” as they begin to show signs of aging. The following cartoons show in an exaggerated way how men and women often see themselves compared to reality.
I [Doug] would not disagree with the fact that aging has been easier on me, and the above cartoon accurately portrays the ease with which men can take body image in stride.As I head toward sixty, I have to confess this has not been an easy decade. My sagging skin, the deterioration of muscle tone of my chest (not fun as it morphs into breasts), and growing stomach have made me sadly realize that I am more comfortable wearing a T-shirt at the beach. My intake of ibuprofen after exercise and the sore muscles the day after are an additional frustration. I guess I hoped I might avoid the normal physical effects of aging on my sexuality and body performance—but alas, I am very normal.
Somewhere deep in my masculine soul, with its need to perform competently and keep a competitive edge, I run scared. I don’t always like what I see in the mirror, and the difference in ejaculating force or penis performance creates insecurity and challenges. I am grateful to be a sex therapist so I can learn to apply the principles of this book, and I am grateful for my wife, who affirms my attractiveness and still finds me very sexy. I am growing and learning that body image is a soul thing, and my changing sexuality creates opportunity for deeper sensuality—and different but intense arousal and connection.
BODY IMAGE AND SELF-CARE
Some things can be controlled by men in the aging process.A word of caution and exhortation is in the areas of hygiene and mannerisms. Recently a professional woman shared how when her husband retired (also a professional), he developed several annoying mannerisms—such as belching loudly and passing gas freely— which she found embarrassing and really “turned her off.”Another woman shared how her partner (in his sev-enties) was fastidious in his personal hygiene and grooming—even on the very day he passed away from kidney failure. His self-care made him attractive to her (twenty-five years his junior), even to the very end.
The sparkle and pizzazz will stay far longer in a marriage when both the man and woman practice good hygiene and general respect for their bodies.Too often we as humans forget to treat our bodies as “God’s temple” (see 1 Cor. 3:16), whether it is a new “high-tech” model or an elegant timeless cathedral.When that is the care we give ourselves and the vision we have of ourselves,we will be more prepared to engage in intimacy with our partner. We will be able to state as the husband said to his wife in the mystery novel referred to earlier,“As long as I’m alive you will never be invisible—or plain—or old. Love has very clear eyes about things like that.”
BODY IMAGE AND AFFIRMATION
In concluding this chapter, let us make some practical suggestions for both men and women as to how we can maturely look through the eyes of love and enhance our own and our partner’s body image.
1. Body image at any age, but especially after fifty, comes down to our mental perceptions, our cognitive attitudes.“Our physical body is becoming older and weaker, but our spirit inside us is made new every day” (2 Cor. 4:16 NCV). “Do not change yourselves to be like the people of this world, but be changed within by a new way of thinking” (Rom. 12:2 NCV).The aging process is inevitable, but we have a choice as to our response.We can dispute our false beliefs and affirm the truth.Create some affirmations and let them resonate in your thinking:“Maturity is sensual and experienced.” “We carry in our bodies the mementos of life.”
2.Value and affirm your partner’s masculinity or femininity on a deeper soul level.This can have a wonderful impact on body image. I [Doug] may not wrestle all the heavy bags around at the airport anymore, but I take charge of the porters doing that and flag down the taxi. My wife will make statements like,“You’re so smart and strong; I like the way you take care of me.”Affirmations motivate us to take the initiative.
3. Put your best foot forward.After a mastectomy,women are told to strategically utilize a camisole to lessen visual impact.As we age,we can strategically use lighting, clothing, and props to promote sensuality and minimize self-consciousness. Being partially clothed may engage our imagination more than total nudity. Some positions of intercourse, or lying flat on the bed may be more comfortable and flattering. Don’t feel bad; models also avoid certain positions in being photographed. Let playfulness abound, and erotically look through the eyes of love.
What a wonderful vocation and responsibility mates have in affirming their partner’s body image.We make a profound difference in how sensual they feel and their openness to lovemaking.Wives, believe your husbands. “You are so beautiful to me, can’t you see . . .You’re everything I hope for, you’re everything I need . . .You are so beautiful to me.”