Lost in the Labyrinth of Life: Coping with Changing Roles
It’s Friday night and you’re looking forward to some time together at the close of a busy week. The phone rings and your mother informs you that your father has just been diagnosed with cancer.Your college-age son has been in a serious car accident five states away (car’s totaled; he’s fine). One daughter is crying on the phone because she and her boyfriend are fighting. The other daughter calls with a change of plans due to a rescheduled school event. Your twelve-year-old twin sons are arguing because one wants to attend a church social and the other wants to have a “sleepover.”The cat is sick and needs medication every two hours.Today the doctor drained a cyst in your breast, which is now bruised and a brilliant shade of purple and blue.Tonight your husband begins his “prep” for a colonoscopy. Feeling sexy yet? (I bet that’s what Job and his wife thought too.) Welcome to the “labyrinth of life”!
Someone once said that “the only stress-free environment is death.” Midlife and beyond introduces us to a multitude of changes, and change involves stress. Stress on our bodies and stress on our relationships. It is a popular concept to refer to “midlife crises,” but this phenomenon actually occurs throughout life. They might be better titled “identity” or “purpose in life” struggles. They all involve realizing goals and dreams, facing mortality, and creating deeper intimacy. Areas usually included are sexuality, relationships, spirituality, career and life pursuits, and meaningful leisure distractions.
Sex after fifty has to consider not only the physical changes but also the midlife relational changes that occur in the crucial years leading up to and including retirement. Middle age keeps getting pushed back, so I am not sure what middle age is anymore. For this chapter, a definition of midlife is not crucial because we are examining the sexual cycles of a couple’s life from the midforties to eighty (or older) where much reevaluating goes on. During these years, we constantly reassess many parts of ourselves that have great impact on our sex lives: intimate companionship, sexual passion and variety, career development and retirement, and children in later stages of leaving the nest (notice I said stages of leaving the nest because I don’t think they ever do completely).
Sex is different as we age and our marriages mature. That does not mean we give sex less priority or lose our intimate passion. But time, energy, and fatigue can cer- tainly impact our decision making.This section explores two aspects of relational changes that affect sex as we mature and grow older: (1) our environment, and (2) our individual and relational needs.
CHANGING ENVIRONMENT AND RELATIONAL AND INDIVIDUAL NEEDS
Research reveals that the most stressful time in a marriage is when the children are teenagers. There are ongoing battles for independence. Parents incur the expense of their children’s college educations. Eventually, the nest is empty.This can have a positive and a negative impact on a couple’s sex life. On the positive side, there is more time to get together with greater privacy and flexibility. The negative emotional stress is the feeling of loss, especially as children become adults and launch out on their own. Parents can lose a sense of purpose and, in their grieving, lose touch with each other. If one partner is grieving and the other partner is rejoicing over the child leaving home, it may cause strife. Mothers may grieve more when a son leaves, and dads may experience a greater sense of loss when a daughter leaves.
When a child leaves for college,many stressors still can impact the marriage. Many a parent eagerly awaits “parents’ weekend” at the college, only to find that it upsets the emotions again.Your child may have little time for you or they may cling to you and express many fears. Either way, as a parent you may feel helpless. Having sex with your spouse may not even be a thought you consider as your emotions run rampant, but the commitment to hold each other close can help remind you that as a couple your world is being enlarged, and your drawing close to each other offers security, strength, and companionship through the trials.
As your children grow into young adulthood they experience many of life’s “hurts” that you can no longer “kiss and make better.” These hurts, while technically not your own, can be emotional land mines in relationships, especially if they are internalized and not discussed or faced together. Examples may be a child failing a class, dropping out of college, losing a job, their romantic interests or lack of them, a pregnancy, or loss of a child or grandchild.
Many of us “midlifers” failed to grasp how our children’s independence, or lack thereof, would impact us. At the same time, we may be adjusting to our own parents’ diminished health or death.This is further complicated by our own struggles with health concerns, jobs, retirement, and preparing for changes in income.
All of these environmental factors take time and energy away from making love and from focusing on the marital relationship. Sometimes parents receive too much of their identity from parental roles and have a difficult time readjusting to being best friends and lovers. The increased time together is an adjustment all its own.The excuses for lack of intimacy and infrequent sex have to be faced head-on.A couple will need to learn to expose impasses and not be afraid of confrontation and honest discussion, even though this process may be difficult and uncomfortable. Unfortunately, because it does involve intentional choices and hard work, some couples will miss out on the benefits of working through the problems, and the deepening companionship that can result.
Midlife Issues
The forties and fifties bring many career decisions to the forefront:Will my dreams ever be realized, and will I achieve the level of success that I had hoped for? This can bring on a full-fledged midlife crisis.You may have to grieve over some of your goals and change gears.
Midlife career change and whole new career directions are common in today’s marketplace.The wife may be back in the job market after full-time homemaking, and she faces many new decisions as she revs up a vocation she put on hold for the sake of mothering.The husband may be in the most productive and busiest time of his career—fighting for time to keep everything balanced and to enjoy making love.
All of that affects intimacy and a thriving sex life.The husband is entering a time when he has less sexual energy but a greater desire for intimate connecting.The wife may be entering a time of more sexual enthusiasm with greater independence and openness to explore and enjoy; or she may be experiencing the physical changes and emotional turmoil that menopause can sometimes bring. As their bodies begin to age, their circumstances are a kaleidoscope of changes and challenges. Sex can be ignored and intimacy put on the back burner, as the husband works through his challenges and the wife works at varying jobs from launching children to balancing her own career.
There will be a search for individual identity with a need to practice forgiveness, to negotiate competing demands, and to grieve over losses. There can be some panic as you wonder if you have missed the perfect mate and maybe it is now or never.You may sometimes wonder what happened to the person you married. As you rediscover who your mate is, you often will desire the deeper intimacy of midlife. Don’t think that you know your mate perfectly or that there are no new horizons sexually.You will want to revive mystery and plan surprises.You will not want to get into routines that cause you to neglect passionate lovemaking. It may take getting out of town (or at least out of the house) to accomplish this. Learn to nurture each other and determine as a couple to protect your relationship. It will allow you to put some pizzazz back in your love life.
Retirement Issues
The fifties and sixties face even more changes with the challenge of easing into retirement over the coming years. Retirement can be structured differently for every couple. It may be going into early retirement and a new career, or planning for more leisure time when mandatory retirement is reached and you have the challenge of filling the vacuum. Both mates can get frustrated with the husband being underfoot for the first time in their lives.
Grandparenting can bring special meaning and enjoyment; it can also bring increased demands.You may have to throw into the equation a major illness and the recuperation time involved. This is also the time in life that you start dealing with either the loss of or the increased demands of your aging parents.You may have to make difficult decisions and adjust your living situation, with a parent, child, or grandchild in your home.
Circumstances will hit the relationship with grief and losses. You may wonder if it is too late to establish a deeper level of intimacy, but you have tremendous opportunity for renewal.You are entering the years where the blessings and curses of the aging process become more apparent. Sex after fifty can become more exciting and intimate, and you can achieve a level of affirmation and togetherness as you learn to celebrate this part of your relationship. Learn your limitations and flourish within them.You know each other so well from head to foot physically.“Old dogs” can learn more tricks—be creative and experimental (see Chapter 20).
One couple had some major adjusting to do when the husband was forced into early retirement at age fifty-two. It was a financial crisis because there were still college bills to be paid for their last child, and his field did not offer an immediate lateral shift. It was also tough because they were just adjusting to their last child’s leaving the nest.The wife grieved more over her empty nest than she expected but launched into a part-time job that helped fill her need for personal identity and fulfillment. Her father passed away after a struggle with cancer. It was expected but still left a hole in her life.
The husband became depressed, and the whole relationship suffered. But they rallied together. The wife grieved through her losses and started healing.They had purchased some land in the country where they were going to build a cabin and get away from the rat race. Both found nature very therapeutic to their souls, and the cabin was a mutual goal for their sixties and seventies.
The couple valued their intimacy and worked to lessen the toll of the environment on their companionship. There were some lean times sexually due to their depression, grieving, and job fluctuations. Their marriage slowly changed—but for the better—during these times. She became more independent and he less driven, and sex came back to its place of priority.
Lovemaking became an important part of the healing. Neither minded living with ambiguity and uncertainty as much as they used to.They trusted their intimacy and could connect, separate, and reconnect more easily. Both also wanted to know they were heading toward a stable retirement and there were some things they could count on. Sex evolved into something very special in helping to meet these varied needs and staving off environmental pressures.They entered into a very intimate time—a second, or maybe a third or fourth honeymoon.
Later Life Losses
As a couple moves into their seventies and eighties, they are well into retirement and facing the fact of losing each other eventually as health deteriorates. It is a time when suffering can build character as you transcend yourself and let go of control.This is more than a philosophical concept. It becomes your reality.You may have to fight through some new boundaries as you set up ground rules around leisure routines and chores. Don’t isolate or become too dependent.
Sexually, the older body will creak and groan, but don’t let inertia set in. Continue to enjoy sexual closeness even if it doesn’t frequently include intercourse—though it may. Eric Erickson, in his research in sexuality at various stages of the life cycle, found that older people experience a more generalized form of sexuality, as opposed to specific sexuality. This means that they may become more sensuous while having intercourse less often.1 Fight for your privacy if you are living with your children and enjoy the fruit of many years of bonding and sharing. Say nice things to each other, and hold each other close.You will start to fear losing each other, and it will be okay to desperately clutch the other one close now and again. Sex can have a transcendent beauty that is admirable for a younger couple to emulate. The following anecdote reflects the importance of a humorous and healthy attitude about later life.
Two retired people, Jacob, age ninety-two, and Harriet, age eighty-nine, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:“Are you the owner?”The pharmacist answers, “Yes,” and the conversation continues as follows:
Jacob:“We’re about to get married. Do you sell
heart medication?”
Pharmacist:“Of course we do.”
Jacob:“How about medicine for circulation?”
Pharmacist: “All kinds.”
Jacob:“Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?”
Pharmacist: “Definitely.”
Jacob:“How about V-i-a-g-r-a—?”
Pharmacist:“Of course.”
Jacob:“Medicine for memory problems, arthritis,
jaundice?”
Pharmacist:“Yes, a large variety.The works.”
Jacob:“What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol,
antidotes for Parkinson’s disease?”
Pharmacist:“Absolutely.”
Jacob:“You sell wheelchairs and walkers?”
Pharmacist: “All speeds and sizes.”
Jacob:“We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.”
In a survey of older adults by Tim and Beverly LaHaye, they found that “40 percent of couples are doing practically nothing to keep the romantic fires burning.”2 As we get older and move through the “labyrinth of life,” it becomes more critical than ever that we “gear up” romantically so we can find comfort and security in the intimacy we share as a couple. This may be an excellent time to pull out your marriage vows and rewrite them in a way that reflects your commitment to each other in your own individualized circumstances. Life has a much broader perspective now. And while the “new” may be worn off the initial romantic relationship, a deeper and more fulfilling relationship can take its place—one that includes romance, adventure, and surprise, but all of it seen through the eyes of experience and a deep care that will carry you through to the end.