connects the soul . leads to emotional closenessVive la Différence:
Valuing Incompatibility
How fascinating that the wonderfully complex differences God brings to marriage give that companionship much of its richness and awesome fulfillment. One wonderful part about growing older is that we can more easily enjoy these differences. Many years of living life have pushed us to deal with and accept complexity. Shades of gray and seeming incompatibility are more comfortably embraced than if we were still in our thirties.
This chapter explores that granddaddy of all differ-ences: the wonderful tensions and interesting dissimilarities of being male and female. But other differences play a part in great lovemaking too. Divergent personalities probably drive you crazy trying to blend the structured and spontaneous, reflective and extroverted, emotional and practical. As couples learn to accept and maximize each other’s personality strengths, each lover will make unique and valuable contributions to the overall lovemaking. Other diversities like family background, previous experiences, and different thinking and communication styles must be understood and negotiated through to a more meaningful love life.
UNDERSTANDING MALE AND FEMALE DIFFERENCES
Lest we overemphasize the differences, another fascinating aspect in God’s complex creation is that there is as much similarity between man and woman as there is in the three-person godhead. Males and females have more common emotions, needs, and attributes than they have differences. Each human being also contains aspects of both genders, and we can cultivate the best of both sexes.
In trying to understand and enjoy gender differences, remember that some are not God-designed distinctions, but cultural or learned. Don’t panic because your spouse does not conform to the universal concepts of masculinity and femininity. Most people, especially as they grow older and wiser, blend characteristics from both lists.
MAKING LOVE TO YOUR WIFE
Men desperately want to be competent at all that they do. Making love can seem like a real setup, because your wife remains mysteriously complex. You think you’ve finally got it figured out, but then you bump your head again. Fortunately, maturity can help us live more easily and comfortably with these uncertainties as we understand, accept, and value our wives’ mystique.
CHARACTERISTICS OF MEN:
• Need to feel significant, admired, and respected, with sense of self-worth reinforced by affirmation and achievement; gain greater identity from what they do
• Take risks more easily (for example, no disability insurance)
• Are “one-track” and can be very focused on the opportunity of the moment (great strength and potential weakness, e.g., ballgame, completing a project, making love)
• Value self-sufficiency and can see life as a challenge and competition
• Desire to be competent and strong (can create defensiveness)
• Enjoy leading and providing (can lack flexibility and sensitivity to mate’s desires)
• Less driven by feelings—can hold them in or lack the skills to express them; more left-brain and analytical, focused on a task
• Usually more hormonally driven (higher testosterone); tune in more visually to specific erotic cues and body parts, enjoy seeing their wife’s body
• The eternal adolescent—childlike with curiosity and more immediate, playful enjoyment of sexuality (more prone to obsessive sexual behaviors)
• Are more predictable in what arouses them sexually
CHARACTERISTICS OF WOMEN:
• Need to feel secure and have a comfortable nest as their safety and emotional needs are met; need to be attended to and made to feel special and adored
• Do not take risks as readily
• Can multitask easier and use both left and right brain (prone to distractions)
• Want to feel connected and included; gain greater identity from relationships
• See life as more of an interactive, cooperative community and desire connecting conversation and emotional connection
• Are better at asking connecting questions (can feel like interrogation to husband) and engaging in conversation
• Want to nurture and protect (strength and potential weakness with the mother-hen syndrome)
• Are freer in tuning in to and expressing emotions (can expect husband to understand or sense her feelings without communicating them)
• Enjoy sensuality and tune in visually to the whole person as well as erogenous zones
• Desire romance and emotional affiliation in lovemaking
• Are unpredictable in sexual arousal, both mentally and physically
Uniquely Female
Try to walk in your wife’s moccasins as you grow in understanding and skills. Granted, it will seem like she is speaking French while you speak German. Men can adapt and multitask some too. A husband can learn to speak a little French, especially if it will increase his ability to be a better lover.
Emotionally Connected Soul Mates.Women don’t divorce sex as easily from the relational and emotional aspects as men can. A woman wants to feel cared about and emotionally connected before sexual activity can have appeal. For her, fun sex flows out of an intimate companionship that is emotionally close with plenty of physical affection and quality time together. I’m sorry, guys, but time and forethought are demanded here.The following formula helps to chart the difference between men and women:
MEN: Physical activity
connects the soul . leads to emotional closeness
Emotional closeness connects the soul opens the door to physical activity WOMEN:
Consistently Inconsistent. On one evening your wife may like oral stimulation of her clitoris or enjoy her breasts and nipples being caressed, and at another time she may not want that particular touch at all. Her body and reactions do not stay consistent, and you get confused. Your penis doesn’t vary much, but she can change physically and emotionally by the hour—especially in these post-forty-five years.
Develop a series of strategies for making love. Become adept at smoothly switching gears from strategy A to strategy B to strategy E, depending on where your wife is in a given lovemaking session. Encourage her to say what she wants. Expect inconsistency and revel in your fast footwork and improvisational skills. She will love your spontaneous variety and your lack of irritability or pouting.
Vulnerable to Distraction. Women multitask better than men but are also more easily distracted by their environment and their inner attitudes and feelings. Husbands can falsely assume that their wives don’t like sex as much as they do.When she is fatigued, fearful for her or her family’s health, struggling with body image, or the bedroom is a mess, she may be unable to focus on her own arousal. Her desire to make love will be on the back burner. The wise husband minimizes distractions (e.g., bedroom picked up, phone calls made) and helps his wife begin to make love (romantic suggestion when leaving for work, sensual kissing in living room when he comes home) even before the bedroom.
Different Types of Initiating and Lovemaking. Sex is more purposeful, romantic, and intimate with a woman. It isn’t the more immediate, hormonal surge that it can be with you. She will not think of sex as often as you do,but this is not from lack of desire.The timing must be appropriate, with plenty of love play as her body and emotions are “primed” and she is given the needed time for arousal.When lovemaking occurs and she can choose to get involved, she can respond with receptive desire (see Chapter 12) and a passionate enjoyment that create wonderful lovemaking. Husbands, as you age you will also become less testosterone-based and more intimacy-based.
passionate connecting nurturing duty
Fig. 15.1 Types of Personal Involvement in Lovemaking
Maturity pushes us to rework our motivation and understanding of lovemaking.With women a varied continuum of reasons for lovemaking exist and most of them are very three-dimensional, with heart and intimacy more prominent than physical. Duty sex is an obligation out of guilt or pity with neither partner enjoying any real intimacy. Nurturing sex is honoring the higher need of one’s partner but done willingly with various levels of participation. Warm, slow, and tender are the operative words in connecting sex, and often we have to be fifty to get this. Passionate may or may not include orgasms with more intensity and focus. Connecting sex may often move up and down the continuum between passionate and nurturing. Husbands, apart from lose-lose “pity” sex, allow your wife to nurture and connect in her unique and loving ways.
Husbands Becoming Passionate Lovers
Husbands, here are some tips for negotiating through the complexity of enjoying your masculinity and creating some great lovemaking.
Disputing Male Mythology. Probably the most prevalent male myth concerns the size of the penis. Do some self-talk and get over any feeling of inferiority. It’s not the size or hardness that counts but how you enjoy sensuality and use it. Remember the old saying: “It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean.”Another devastating myth is that men know all about sex and are always ready to go sexually.We have our knowledge and desire deficits just like women, but we often feel guilty admitting them.
Forget Your Obsessions. You have some fantasies and things you find sexy that your wife never will. She may never want to make love on an airplane or have anal sex. Don’t wreck a great sex life by obsessing on what you think is the ultimate erotic adventure.You may also become obsessed with some part of her body that you wish were sexier, especially with aging. Do not, and I repeat, do not, tell her these things. Confess it to a buddy so he can tell you to grow up and learn true passion.
Be a Passionate Leader—Get a Ph.D. in “My Wife.” Husbands, your wives’ femininity is precious and unique. Listen to her, observe her, try different things as you collect data, and be willing to make changes to please her. Most wives want husbands who are strong and confident and can provide unasked-for nurturing.Wives at times want to be “taken”—not in a demanding or abusive way but out of a passionate desire for their femininity from a self-confident husband.They want to be swept off their feet and fulfilled romantically.
MAKING LOVE TO YOUR HUSBAND
From the male perspective, there are few situations where sex doesn’t add some spice and enhance the relationship. One wife stated that sex was her husband’s solution to much of what he encountered in life. If he shot under par, he wanted to celebrate with sex; if he got frustrated or disappointed, he wanted to cheer up with sex. She related that the other day he swore it would help the flu. Making love is perhaps the primary means your husband uses to feel connected to you.
Some couples reading this book will find their situation reversed, with the wife having the higher urge for lovemaking. In the complexity of today’s world, men can be overwhelmed and feel incompetent, sublimate their desire into accomplishing tasks, possess a fear of aging, or get their feelings hurt. Even if he doesn’t fit across the board, many of these differences will still apply.
Uniquely Male
Some of your husband’s actions and attitudes may stem from too many eggs in the sexual basket or a lack of three-dimensional intimacy. Much of his thinking and behavior, though, is due to the fact that you and he are wired differently.
Visually Specific and Genitally Focused with Mental Imagery. We’re sure you’ve noticed how your husband is prone to zooming in on feminine parts. Research has shown that both men and women are aroused by visual stimulation, but they have different styles.A woman can drive by a cute male jogger, notice his strong physique, and immediately forget the visual stimulus.A man can see a female jogger and almost drive off the road trying to see in the rearview mirror what her breasts are like. If he sees you in panties, he doesn’t stop there. He mentally takes one cue and tunes in to other sexual cues almost reflexively in his fantasy life.
Immediate and Quicker. Your husband has a tendency toward more immediate arousal and gratification. Wives may sometimes wonder if their husbands have remained sexual adolescents (even though it adds zest to their lovemaking). He thinks about sex a lot; he tends to forget consequences and jumps into pleasure, whether it means being late to a party or messing up her lipstick; he touches and grabs at what he likes; he loves the excitement of the moment and will savor lovemaking incidents to talk and think about later.
Predictable. What turns you on will vary constantly, but your husband is very predictable. If you initiate, appeal to him visually, or rub his penis, he usually gets excited.When you take risks and initiate something silly or different, it will seldom flop. Try to remember to include visual stimuli, some immediate gratification, and friction on specific locations.You will have a lot of power in a fun way sexually because he responds so predictably.
Wives Becoming Passionate Lovers
Every wife should be able to tune in to and enjoy the wonderful gift God has given her of femininity and sexual pleasure. Here are some tips for unleashing this tremendous capacity.
Disputing Female Mythology. Toxic myths abound about female sexuality. “Women aren’t as sexual as men.” “There are ‘good girls’ or ‘bad girls.’”“Women so lack sexual self-awareness that when they say no,they actually mean yes.”Wives, learn to dispute these misbeliefs and realize that some of them have arisen because men try to define sexual desire and female sexuality through male lenses.
Permission for Pleasure. Women can struggle with relaxing control and abandoning themselves to pleasure. This results from girls being taught psychologically to control sexual impulses and not to tune in to sexuality as readily. Even their genitals are more hidden and not grasped every time they urinate as men’s are.Women also have a natural modesty that needs to be honored. You may need to intentionally tune in to your sexuality and make conscious choices to keep lovemaking on the front burner of your marriage:
1. Budget in and spend a certain amount of money each month on your sex life.
2. Every now and then wear a sexy piece of lingerie all day and allow its unusual feel to constantly remind you of sex, or use a special perfume that you have associated in your mind with making love.
3. Plan a sexual surprise at least once a month in which you try to blindside your husband in an arousing sexual way.
4. Create romantic sexual fantasies about your love life while driving in the car and share them with your mate at the end of your day.
Assertive Demands. You, as a woman, may enjoy a slower pace than your husband and need different types of touching. A basic part of turning yourself on is to assertively express your needs. Sex therapist Debra Taylor, in researching what women like most about sex, found that physical release was fourth behind physical closeness, emotional connection, and time together.1 Sometimes you may want to cuddle and be held tight and have it lead nowhere.Become very direct in your requests; this will actually turn your husband on and allow yourself to experience more pleasure.
Passionate Power. You have tremendous power to arouse your husband. He desires and needs you. (A crucial note: Sometimes you won’t turn him on. Don’t assume he’s too old, having an affair, or you’re not attractive. Explore what is going on in his life. Persist through to healing and changes even if it takes professional help.) Fun flirting, playfully initiating sexual variety, and accentuating your femininity will increase the intimacy in your sexual companionship and is a definite win-win. Remember to honor your own personality, age, and femininity as you create your own brand of seductiveness. Just remember, you are tremendously alluring, and the most powerful attraction is your believing that.
To create fantastic lovemaking takes empathetic understanding, loving acceptance, and a deep valuing of your incompatibility.Mates who have grown comfortable with the complementary nature of their person and gender let diversity create a rich and exciting lovemaking.