Jump-Starting Your Love Life: The Use of Sexual Aphrodisiacs
The question is often asked: Do aphrodisiacs or magical sexual techniques really exist? Ginseng root, the Kama Sutra, hormones,Viagra, the Venus flutter, special herbs or teas—nothing has been proved to work universally. The Venus flutter was a spoof concocted on a television show to explain how one man, simultaneously married to thirteen women, kept them all sexually ecstatic. Sex therapists across the nation were reassuring clients that such a technique did not exist.
GO FOR THE NATURAL
Here’s the good news about aphrodisiacs: Our gracious Creator has provided couples with many natural and revitalizing aphrodisiacs that can greatly enhance their lovemaking.We have organized these into five general categories: emotional, practical, relational, sensual, and behavioral.
1. Emotional Aphrodisiacs
Emotionally Open and Passionate. An ancient Greek philosopher stated that “the passions are the winds that fill the sails of our souls.” Expressing feelings and becoming emotionally passionate sometimes become more subdued in adulthood and older age—as we have learned to moderate our feelings. (Also, some personalities and men in general naturally express fewer feelings and will have to choose to let go.) If a quality of maturity is not caring so much what others think, then let the feelings roll.
Take a ride on the wild side of feelings and bring them back into your bedroom.What a fun discipline to practice. Dance joyously at a wedding as you do the hokeypokey; ride a roller coaster screaming with your mouth wide open; jump into a cold lake on a hot summer day. Risk stronger feelings in your love life, and you will be amazed at how your partner is turned on by a passionate person.
Time Out: A marvelous aphrodisiac is that God has given us imaginations to create mental and emotional sexual fantasies. Sit quietly a minute and imagine a romantic sexual encounter with your mate. Share this with him/her at the end of your day.
Mysteriously Romantic. Our God is a God of mystery, romance, adventure, and endlessly creative variety.The prophet Jeremiah writes in amazement, “His compassions never fail. They are new every morning” (Lam. 3:22–23 NIV). Each day we can create a new relationship with our Creator—and also with our human lover and mate.
It is amazing how lovers come up with the unusual when unleashing their romantic side and planning erotic surprises. One husband arranged a complete weekend, from talking to his wife’s boss about picking her up from work early, to sexy lingerie and her bags packed, to a surprise spot (he had scouted it out) they had never been to.
Erotically Adored. Years ago when I [Doug] started dating my Cathy, had you asked me one of the things that was so appealing about her, I would have quickly responded,“She totally adores me.” I desired and valued from a human partner what God feels for those He loves. “I have summoned you by name; you are mine” (Isa. 43:1 NIV).
A critical aspect of erotically adoring someone is unconditional acceptance, as a person can come to be naked and exposed physically and emotionally and still feel comfortable. What a turn-on for celebrating sex after fifty. Looking through the eyes of love creates an adoration of the person that transcends wrinkles, cellulite, and human foibles. One of my friends relates that at parties he will look across the room and wink at his wife of many years. She will light up because he has so constantly told her,“You are the most attractive woman here, and I’m lucky to have you.” Now just the wink conveys that message of adoration.
2. Practical Aphrodisiacs
Sexual Goal Setting. Some couples fear that consciously making decisions and setting goals around their love life will stunt the passion and spontaneity. Goal setting is simply a means to an end and doesn’t have to dampen excitement and creativity. Sexual goals involve more than increasing sexual frequency and should begin with the quality of your lovemaking and the quality of your intimate companionship. Goals may include reading at least a chapter a month in a book on sex, each mate initiating one new technique or idea as a contribution to creativity and variety, or scheduling regular vacation times.
Physically Fit and Rested. Good health and physical fitness are marvelous aphrodisiacs. Being rested revitalizes attitudes and makes sexual activity more appealing. Getting the body in shape with long walks or other forms of exercise enhances sex with improved blood flow and muscle tone. Making vigorous love affirms your sense of physical well-being. As we age, this aphrodisiac may need more intentional work as we work through illnesses and sleeplessness.
3. Relational Aphrodisiacs
Prioritizing the Present. A husband complained that his wife was so distracted she had asked if the clothes were in the dryer at the height of their lovemaking. She stated he wasn’t much better. Last night at a tender moment, he had exclaimed those endearing words,“Oh, no;my mom’s visit starts tomorrow.”They were praying that God would help them both bring their hearts, minds, and bodies into the bedroom to mutually enjoy their love life.
An early church father, Jean Pierre de Cassaude, said it beautifully as he encouraged every Christian to carefully honor “the sacrament of the present moment.” It is exciting and tremendously romantic to be fully present and available to another person—no distractions or preoccupations. Just the two of you there in that moment.
Quantity Time. So often in marriage, we try to find those small windows of quality time to balance out too many commitments or a lack of priority on connecting. Intimacy withers if all that is given is small doses of quality time. Real companions spend time together and become best friends. Slowing down in later years doesn’t guarantee this. Most of us know older couples who have created totally separate lives. Great lovemaking depends on companions who grow closer with shared intimacies. Creating fun sexual and nonsexual traditions will take some quantity, not just quality, time—and intentional choices to be together as best friends.
Traditions and History. The mature years have an advantage in an important aspect of intimate relationships. Deep, consistent love is built on knowing someone over time. It’s repeating activities and building a history together over the years as events take on deeper meaning and become traditions. Building up a shared history with fun traditions can be a tremendous aphrodisiac. Favorite positions, shared memories and fantasies, and tender touches on familiar bodies take hours and years to grow.
4. Sensual Aphrodisiacs
The Bedroom. The bedroom will be the primary love nest with special mood-setting qualities. Live flowers, mood lighting or candles, sensuous linens, a comfortable mattress, plenty of pillows, and the ability to control the temperature are sexual enhancements.You are pairing in your mind the bedroom with fun, sensual, erotic experiences. Just walking into the bedroom should create a different mood. Do some brainstorming as you spice it up.
Props. The words sex toys conjure up the idea of chasing a sexual rush versus truly making love.We have deliberately chosen the word props because celebrating sex after fifty can definitely utilize some strategic aids (much more comprehensive than sex toys) in comfortably and passionately enjoying each other. Candles,music, lotions, and lingerie stimulate ambience and help mature lovers enjoy aging bodies. Perhaps the most important props are pillows. Pillows are great to lean against in positions of pleasuring and intercourse.They help make the bed the playground it should be. Purchase various shapes and sizes, and use them to support necks (tube pillow), backs (large), or prop up buttocks (bed pillow).
Couples sometimes worry that certain props like vibrators may create artificial or wrongful arousal, and will detract from their natural lovemaking. God gave us imaginations and the ability to be romantic in order to create and enjoy various means of enticing and playing with our mates. Props simply enhance experiences and sensations and should (1) remain playfully in perspective and never become an obsessive fetish, (2) not detract from your vulnerability and respect, because arousal is dependent on feeling safe and inviting true passion and connection in all three dimensions of body, soul, and spirit, and (3) never invite anyone else into your bedroom, as pornography does.
Some husbands worry that a vibrator will create sensations that cannot be duplicated by him in creating orgasms, and may become addictive. I have not seen addiction but can understand the couple who do not wish to become dependent on a vibrator to create a climax for the wife. But for some women, a vibrator can enhance their ability to achieve an orgasm and seems very appropriate.They also are great for aching muscles and full body massage.
5. Behavioral Aphrodisiacs
Self-Nurture. Take a leisurely bath and indulge in other sensual delights at the end of a tiring day—it is a great aphrodisiac and tunes you in to your own body. In the midst of all your demands, you must learn to be self-nurturing. It will keep you sexier.
Creative Initiating. Use a special cologne that you have associated in your mind with making love, and wear it on the evening or the day you anticipate sexual activity.
Sexual Flooding. Many husbands dream about being ravished by so much sex they couldn’t stand more. At a time when you are feeling relaxed, rested, and free for activity—tell your mate that he is free to initiate sex whenever he desires on a given day. Unleash a flood of sexual activity.What an aphrodisiac, as both mates enjoy this playful interaction and create for each other romantic, sensuous pleasure.
The Art of Kissing. Women especially enjoy variety in kissing, and the mouth can be extremely sensuous. Lightly kiss all over her face and body, keeping lips soft and gentle, like a butterfly flitting about. Practice a gentle sucking motion on your wife’s nipples, her fingers or toes, her neck, or her lower lip.There is something passionate and intimate about sharing mouths and tongues. Long, exciting kisses, where you have to come up for breath, make kissing an arousing, drawn-out affair.
Exaggerated Climaxes. Focus on your arousal and take time to build your sexual excitement. At the point of climax, release the tension with gusto and force. Encourage each other to make loud noises, expressions of pleasure, and exaggerate the muscle spasms.This is not about aging bodies performing but is rather a playful acting out of strong release, which can increase the fun and excitement of lovemaking for both of you.
As you think back over the many aphrodisiacs and begin applying them, ponder this saying from the Talmud, the Jewish teachings on the first five books of Scripture: “God will hold us accountable for every permitted pleasure that we forfeit.”This, of all eras of the life span, can be a time of creative, playful, and passionately intimate lovemaking.