POPULAR PARENTING PHILOSOPHIES have always had their critics, and attachment parenting is no exception. Although the criticism is deserved when attachment parenting is taken to extremes, most of the criticism of attachment parenting stems from misunderstandings of what attachment parenting is and what makes it work.
Attachment parenting is what parents would do naturally without the influence of “experts.” Attachment parenting is regarded as controversial only because it goes against certain social trends, such as those that suggest that it is more important for new parents to train their baby to fit into their lives than it is for parents to get in touch with their baby.
Once you both become securely attached to your baby, together you will become the experts most qualified to balance the needs of your baby with contending needs of the family. Decisions involving staying at home or returning to work (part-time or full-time), weaning, childcare, or alternative caregivers, are your decisions, and I know they can be tough ones. But one of the great things about the tools of attachment parenting is that they can be passed along. The instinctual biological wiring between mother and child is important in the early months, but luckily the maternal instinct is not limited to new mothers. Later in this book, we will return to these subjects at length.
Looking at attachment parenting from the point of view of its critics is a useful way to clarify the what and the why of this parenting style. That’s why this chapter is devoted to explaining what attachment parenting is not. Constructive criticism can help restore balance to what an individual is doing. We hope that this chapter will help you make wise choices and put balance into your attachment parenting.
AP is not a new style of parenting. There’s nothing newfangled or even faddish about attachment parenting. Actually, attachment parenting is an old way of caring for babies. It’s based on the ways that many traditional cultures care for babies and mothers. In this country, it wasn’t until childcare advisers came on the scene that parents began to follow books instead of their babies. The more restrained style of parenting—the kind that advocates letting baby cry lest you spoil her—became popular really only in the past century.
SCHEDULING THE AP BABY
Schedule isn’t necessarily a bad word, even in AP circles. What we mean by schedule, however, is merely having some regular routines. A sense of order can become an important part of attachment parenting if these routines are handled sensitively and with flexibility. Remember, you want to give your child the tools to succeed in life—not just skills and education, but also attitudes and ways of managing time and emotions.
There will be days when you need to be able to feed your baby at predictable times. If you have to leave home at 9:00 to catch a plane at 10:00, you can’t stop to nurse at 8:55. Here’s where your steady attention to baby’s needs pays off: you can use what you know about your baby to trick him into nursing earlier. Just click into the routines he knows and trusts. If baby is used to being nursed in a certain chair, you can sit down with him in that place and offer the breast, even if he hasn’t yet told you he’s hungry. He’ll go along with the routine, fill his tummy, and free you up to grab baby, baby sling, and your luggage and get to the airport on time. Or there will be nights when you know your baby needs to sleep, even if he doesn’t think so, or nights when you desperately need to sleep. If baby is accustomed to falling asleep during a walk in the baby sling, you can put him in the sling when you’re ready for bed, walk for a while, lie down with him, and he will probably nod off—even if it’s an hour earlier than his usual bedtime.
The cues to start a routine are called setting events. Use them regularly and predictably, and you’ll be able to rely on them when you need them. You can use breastfeeding to settle baby at a time when you need him to be calm because you have other things to do. Babywearing is another comforting tool that helps you ease baby into a peaceful state that allows you to take care of other important matters. In fact, if you think about it, you may discover that you already rely on routines like this without even being aware of it.
Critics of attachment parenting often warn that an AP baby will run the family, and everyone will have to adapt to baby. On the contrary, because the attached baby is not tied to the clock and goes where Mom and Dad go, AP parents have a lot of freedom. Baby fits more easily into the unpredictable days and nights of modern family life.
Picture your family on a deserted island. You’ve just delivered a baby. There are no books, advisers, or relatives around to shower you with advice. The Baby B’s of attachment parenting come naturally to you. They are what you have to do to ensure that your baby survives. The Baby B’s are based on baby’s biological needs. When we cite new research in this book, we are describing studies that confirm what mothers have always known: good things happen when mothers and babies are allowed to be in tune with one another.
I’m happy that I was doing attachment parenting long before I even knew it had a name.
AP is not indulgent parenting. Few parents make it through their offspring’s babyhood without being told that all their efforts to nurture and respond to their baby will surely spoil her. And if it’s not spoiling that they’re warned against, they’re told not to let themselves be manipulated by baby. Attachment parenting is not the same as giving your child everything she asks for. We stress that parents should respond appropriately to their baby’s needs, which means knowing when to say yes and when to say no. Sometimes in their zeal to give children everything they need, parents give their children everything they want, and this is indeed harmful. Parents must learn to distinguish between a child’s needs and a child’s wants.
During the first six months, being able to tell the difference between baby’s needs and wants is not a problem that parents have to wrestle with. In the first several months of life, a baby’s wants are a baby’s needs. A consistent yes response teaches babies trust, which makes them more accepting of no later on, when they start wanting things they should not have. If you learn to know your baby by responding readily to his needs in the early months, you’ll have a good sense of when it’s appropriate to say no later on. (For a discussion of how attachment parenting makes discipline easier, see page 19.)
AP is not exclusively child centered. Healthy parenting styles respect the needs of all family members, not just the child’s. Sure, it’s true that in those early high-maintenance months of infant care, baby’s needs must come first. Baby is, after all, a baby, who doesn’t have the cognitive equipment needed to handle waiting. But a mother can’t do a good job of taking care of her baby’s needs if she is ignoring her own. In the early months, attachment parenting asks her to focus a lot of attention on her baby, so that she can grow more self-confident as a mother. AP also emphasizes that taking care of Mother is one way that other family members can take care of baby. As parents create a healthy attachment with their infant, they learn to be discerning about balancing baby’s needs, Mother’s needs, and the needs of the rest of the family. We often describe AP as being family centered. Learning to balance the needs of everyone in the family helps Mom and Dad mature as parents and the whole family operate at a higher level. If baby is thriving, but Mom is completely burned out because she is not getting the help she needs, something has to change.
AP parents are attentive to their children, but not to the point where they neglect their own needs. Mothers (and fathers) who are completely worn out and who don’t take care of themselves are not balanced attachment parents.
When you do everything for your child, you are giving him the message that you don’t believe he can take care of himself. Being possessive, or a “smother mother” (or father) is unfair to the child, as it fosters an inappropriate dependency on the parent. Remember, the key word in AP is responsiveness. When you smother your child, he doesn’t get a chance to give you cues to initiate the interaction so you can then respond to these cues. As you and your baby grow together, you will develop the right balance between helping him and letting him help himself. For example, you don’t usually need to respond to the cries of a seven-month-old baby as quickly as you would to those of a seven-day-old baby. And by the time your baby is seven months old, you’ll know which cries need a quick response and which cries stem from problems that baby can probably handle on his own.
It’s easier for me to say no to my attachment-parented child when she wants a lot of stuff, because I know I have given her so much of myself.
AP is not permissive parenting. Permissive parenting says anything goes. Whatever a child wants to do must be the right thing. AP is not permissive. Attached parents don’t shrug their shoulders and let their children do “whatever.” They shape their children’s behavior. They encourage good behavior and make it easier for a child to behave well. They quickly intervene and gently correct problems. For example, if you realize your curious toddler is beginning to open all the kitchen drawers to explore their contents, give him his own toddler-toy drawer in the kitchen to shape his behavior, guiding him toward what he can touch rather than slapping his hands, as some controlling style of parenting would advise, when he approaches “no touches.”
Shaping is different from controlling. The critics who charge that attachment parenting is permissive say that parents should be in control of the baby, and not the other way around. This may sound like it makes sense, and it is one of the selling points in books and classes that advocate baby training. One problem with this approach is that the fear of the baby being in control creates an adversarial relationship between parents and baby: baby is out to manipulate you, so you better control him first. This approach to parenting keeps parents and babies at a distance from each other, and they run the risk of never really connecting and trusting one another.
Attachment mothering is not martyr mothering. Don’t think that AP means baby pulls Mommy’s string and she jumps. Because of the trust that develops between attached parents and their attached children, parents’ response time gradually lengthens as baby gains the ability to control himself. Then mother jumps only when it’s an emergency.
CLARIFYING THE CONTROL ISSUE
When a baby cries from hunger or is upset, she wants to be comforted, not to control. The confusion between communication and control is a carryover from a time when experts were advising parents to raise babies by the behavior-modification model, with rewards for being “good” and withholding for being “bad.” This went along with rigid schedules for feeding, sleeping, even playing. The problem was, these experts didn’t understand what babies are really like. Their version of scientific parenting wasn’t based on any science.
What goes on between parents and babies is not a battle for control. The real issues are trust and communication. A baby in need communicates by signaling to the person whom he trusts to meet that need. The person responds, which is another way of communicating. By responding, parents are teaching their baby to trust them, which ultimately makes it easier for the parents to guide the child. Trust is a much better foundation for discipline than behavior modification. When your child trusts you, you can shape her behavior in gentle, subtle ways. For example, because AP parents know their child so intimately and their radar is always tuned toward their child’s behavior, they can come up with on-the-spot prompts that redirect an about-to-be mischievous toddler into a more desirable pursuit.
Admittedly, a mother who has no help may come to feel tied down by constant baby tending. Mothers need baby breaks. It’s especially important for fathers and other trusted care-givers to share infant care in AP families. But with attachment parenting, feeling tied down is an issue less than you might think. Instead of feeling tied down, attached mothers feel tied together with their babies.
Even though you enjoy being with your infant, you don’t necessarily want to stay home all the time. Remember that attachment parenting, by mellowing your child’s behavior, makes it easier to go places with your baby. AP will make you more discerning about when and with whom to leave your baby. You don’t have to feel tied down to your house or apartment and a lifestyle that includes only babies.
The mutual sensitivity between mother and baby makes it possible for women to do lots of other things while caring for their babies. Because they are so naturally tuned in to baby, attached mothers can also pay attention to jobs, projects, or other children, knowing that they can trust their own sensitivity to bring their focus back to baby when he needs it, even when parents’ needs and baby’s needs collide. It’s amazing how attached mothers can handle a multitude of tasks and still know exactly when to look down with a reassuring smile at baby in the sling.
AP is not hard. Attachment parenting may sound like one big give-a-thon, and initially, there is a lot of giving. This is a fact of new parent life: babies are takers, and parents are givers. Yet the more you give to your baby, the more baby gives back to you. You grow to enjoy your child and feel more competent as a parent. Remember, your baby is not just a passive player in the parenting game. Your infant takes an active part in shaping your attitudes by rewarding you for giving him good, sensitive care, and by helping you become an astute baby reader.
With attachment parenting, baby and parents shape each other. An example of this is how you and your baby learn to talk to each other. A baby’s early language is made up of cries, facial expressions, and movement. To communicate with your baby, you must learn to use more than words. You become more intuitive. You learn to think like a baby. But even as you are mastering your baby’s language, your baby is learning to speak the language of the family. Both of you have helped each other develop communication skills that you didn’t have before. Each of you gives, and each of you gets back.
Attachment parenting is actually the easiest parenting style in the long run. What is hard about parenting is feeling like you don’t know what your baby wants or can’t seem to give her what she needs. If you feel you really know your baby and have a handle on the relationship, parenting is much less frustrating. True, getting to know your baby and responding to his cues takes a tremendous amount of patience and stamina, especially in the first three months, but it’s worth it. The ability to read and respond to your baby carries over into the childhood and teenage years, when you’ll have the ability to get behind the eyes of your growing child and see things from her point of view. This will make it easier to understand and shape her behavior. When you truly know your child, parenting is easier at all ages.
AP is not rigid. On the contrary, attachment parenting offers options and is very flexible. It’s not about rules, and “never do this” and “always do that.” Attachment mothers speak of a flow between themselves and their baby—a flow of thoughts and feelings that help the mother make the right choice at the right time when confronted with daily childcare decisions. You don’t have to follow rules, you just have to read the situation and respond.
AP is not spoiling. New parents ask, “Won’t holding our baby a lot, responding to her cries, nursing on cue, and even sleeping with our baby spoil her?” Or they ask if this kind of parenting will create an overly manipulative child. Our answer is an emphatic no! In fact, both experience and research have shown the opposite to be true. A child whose needs are met predictably and dependably does not have to whine and cry and worry about getting his parents to do what he needs. Spoiling does become an issue a few years down the road when overindulgence or permissiveness signals a parent’s inability to set limits and provide boundaries.
The spoiling theory may seem scientific. It seemed logical to the childcare “experts” who popularized this idea in the early part of the twentieth century. They thought that if you responded to crying by picking your baby up, he would cry more so that he could get picked up more. It turns out that human behavior is a little more complicated than this. It is true that if you carry a newborn baby in your arms much of the time, the baby will protest when you put her down in her crib. This baby has learned how to feel right, and she lets you know when she needs help getting that feeling back. However, in the long run, this rightness within her will make her less likely to cry for attention.
ATTACHMENT TIP
Attachment parenting is about responding appropriately to your baby. Spoiling is the result of responding inappropriately.
AP does not create dependent children. The possessive parent, or “hover mother,” is constantly in a flurry around her child, doing everything for him because of her own fears and insecurity. Her child may become overly dependent, because he has been kept from doing what he needs to do. An attached mother recognizes when it is appropriate to let her child struggle a bit and experience some frustration, so that he can grow. This is why we continually emphasize putting balance in your chosen parenting style. Attachment enhances development; prolonged dependency hinders development. (See Attachment vs. Enmeshment, page 109.)
AP is not the same as doting on your infant. In certain situations, such as a long-awaited child, the first child of older parents, the first child of parents who have struggled with infertility, or a special-needs child, parents may become overprotective and doting. They have so much of themselves invested in this child that they have trouble separating the child’s needs and happiness from their own. This can interfere with the child’s emotional development. It’s healthier to keep AP in balance. Yet, at the same time, you shouldn’t be afraid of getting too close to your baby. (How can you give your baby too much love?)
AP is not weird. Don’t believe that AP is a back-to-nature cult of earth mothers. In my medical practice, I have mothers of all kinds who practice AP quite successfully, including single teen moms and executives. What is true is that AP carries over into other areas of your life, so that you want to become more informed and discerning about social issues and about your family’s lifestyle choices.
AP is not all or nothing. You may be unable to do all seven Baby B’s all the time, either because of medical reasons or the competing demands of your work life. That does not mean you’re not an attached mother. Practice as many of the attachment tools as you can as much as you can. That’s all your child will ever expect of you.
AP is not only for mothers. Attachment parenting works much better when dads are active and involved in baby’s care. Dads bring another perspective to parenting. Many AP mothers give so much to their babies that they forget to care for themselves. One day Martha complained, “I don’t have time to take a shower, my baby needs me so much.” Clearly, it was time for me to step up and make sure my wife found some time for herself. That day I hung the following reminder on the bathroom mirror: “Each day remind yourself that what your baby needs most is a happy, rested mother.”
Myth: Attachment parenting requires a stay-at-home mom.
Fact: Not at all. Attachment parenting is even more important for the mother who works outside the home.
As you will learn in chapter 11, it’s even more important for a mother who works outside the home to practice attachment parenting. The Baby B’s will help Mom and infant stay attached even if they are apart during much of the day. When you and baby are separated, you must be more conscious of building that connection. The attachment-parenting tools of breastfeeding, believing in your infant’s cries, babywearing, and bedding together will help you do that.
Myth: Attachment parenting might cause a baby to become clingy and dependent.
Fact: Attachment-parented infants become less clingy and more independent. Critics of attachment parenting maintain that babies who are held all the time, who are fed on demand, and who sleep with their parents will become excessively clingy and never want to leave their mothers. Yet it is our experience, and research supports us, that attachment-parented infants become less dependent children.
Independence is the American dream, and all parents want their children to grow up to be independent and self-sufficient. However, you can’t push a child to be independent. Children will naturally become independent—in their own good time. To understand how this happens, you have to know something about infant emotional development and how children gain a sense of who they are as independent persons.
A newborn does not know that he is a separate individual. Baby has no real sense of who he is or of what it means to be in the world. Baby knows only that when he is with his mother he feels right. Other sensitive and familiar caregivers, such as Dad, Grandma, or a regular babysitter, may also feel right to baby. But an attached baby knows that he can’t experience that same sense of rightness with just anybody. Some very sensitive babies make it quite clear that only Mother will do, at least in certain situations.
Add to this the fact that babies do not understand the concept of person permanence until sometime between nine and twelve months of age. They don’t realize that objects and people continue to exist when they are out of sight. So when Mother goes away, baby feels that the one person who can make him feel right has completely disappeared, perhaps forever. Baby just can’t hang on to a mental picture of Mother to reassure himself, and he can’t understand the concept of time, so “Mom will be back in an hour” means nothing to him. If a caregiver is brought in when a mother returns to work, a baby must learn to transfer his attachment. This is harder for some babies than for others. Sometime between twelve and eighteen months, out of sight is no longer out of mind. A baby can re-create a mental picture of Mom, even though she may be across town.
Because babies have these developmental limitations, they experience separation anxiety when Mother is away. Nearly all babies, whether securely attached or not, experience varying degrees of separation anxiety. Babies of mothers who practice attachment parenting may protest more strongly when Mother is away, or they may happily accept another caregiver in her place. Active protest is actually a sign of how accustomed they are to feeling right. Because they are used to having their signals understood, these babies let their mothers know when all is not well with them. They need substitute caregivers who are sensitive to their cues and who will try to help them feel calm and comforted.
This period of dependency during the first year of a baby’s life is important to a child’s later ability to be independent. Critics of attachment parenting don’t seem to comprehend this, but child-development specialists understand it well. During the first year, when baby needs familiar caregivers to help him fit, he learns what it’s like to feel right most of the time. As his thinking ability matures during the second year of life, he is able to pull up a mental image of his mother or his caregiver that gives him this same sense of rightness even when they are apart. The better the quality of baby’s early attachment to mother, the more secure he will feel as he is ready to move away from her. This secure base along with his growing understanding that “Mommy will come back” make the toddler better able to tolerate separation from his mother.
You can see the development of independence at work when you watch a toddler explore new surroundings. She bravely ventures forth, but checks in with Mom at regular intervals. This might be just a glance backward over her shoulder or a vocal request for information or reassurance. Mom smiles and says, “It’s okay,” and baby continues to explore. If baby is headed for danger, Mom says, “No,” or “Stop,” or maybe just frowns, and baby retreats. The space between the baby and mother is like a rubber band, stretching and retracting. An older toddler will venture farther, even out of her mother’s sight. But you may still hear her telling herself, “No-no,” speaking out loud the words of her mother that she hears in her mind.
In an unfamiliar situation, the mother gives a sort of “go ahead” message, providing the toddler with confidence and, perhaps, information. The next time the toddler encounters a similar situation, he can recall how his mother helped him the first time, and this time he handles things on his own, without enlisting his mother’s help. The consistent emotional availability of the mother or another responsible caregiver helps the child learn to trust, first in his caregivers, later in himself. Trusting himself leads to the development of a very important quality of independence: the capacity to be alone.
Babies, toddlers, and preschoolers differ greatly in how quickly they move from complete dependence to greater independence. In addition to the quality of their attachments, their own personalities influence this process. Outgoing toddlers, for instance, are less anxious about moving away. They carry their feeling of rightness with their attachment network into their explorations.
A toddler who is less securely attached may have to adopt a strategy of clinging to his parents in order to be sure they are available when he needs them. Or he may spend a lot of energy managing his own anxiety. Being preoccupied with how to keep Mother close gets in the way of developing independence and of learning other important skills. Studies have shown that infants who develop a secure initial attachment to their mothers are better able to tolerate separation from them when they are older. Once again, a child must go through a stage of healthy dependence in order to later become securely independent.
Myth: Attachment parenting is just for a certain kind of mother.
Fact: Actually, there is no stereotype of the mother who practices attachment parenting. All kinds of parents choose this parenting style for all kinds of reasons. Here are some “types” we’ve seen.
Some women are what we dub gut-feeling mothers. They practice attachment parenting because the attachment style of parenting just feels right.
SCIENCE SAYS:
Early attachment fosters later independence.
Researchers Dr. Sylvia Bell and Dr. Mary Ainsworth at Johns Hopkins University studied babies who had varying degrees of attachment. Those infants that were the most securely attached turned out to be the most independent in later follow-up. Researchers who have studied the effects of parenting styles on children’s later outcome have concluded, to put it simply, that the spoiling theory is utter nonsense.
It would tear me up inside to let my baby cry.
Next, there are the logical mothers.
It just makes sense to me. Listen to them when they’re young, and they’ll listen to you when they’re old.
Then there are the researcher mothers, part of the growing number of parents who are having their babies later in life.
Doctor, this is a well-researched baby. We have waited a long time. We have read a lot of theories about child raising, and attachment parenting is the one we’ve chosen.
Special-situation parents nearly always practice attachment parenting. These may be parents who have gone to a lot of effort to have a baby, including couples who have struggled with infertility or whose baby is born with special needs, such as a developmental delay or a physical handicap.
We worked hard to have this baby, and we’re certainly going to go the extra mile to help our baby be all that she can be.
Adopting parents find attachment parenting attractive because the physical closeness gives their intuition the jumpstart to bonding that they missed out on by not being pregnant.
I believe attachment parenting will help me get to know our adopted baby better and, hopefully, make up for those hormones I missed out on by not being her biological mother.
Parents who are less likely to practice attachment parenting are those whom we tag daily-planner parents, couples who like order and predictability in their lives and want to train their babies to fit conveniently into their scheduled lives. These babies are likely to be fed on a schedule, be trained early to sleep through the night, and be regularly put in playpens and cribs. If breastfed, these babies are weaned early and seldom fed on cue. Some babies with easy, laid-back personalities seem to do okay with this more distant style of parenting, at least on the surface. Babies with persistent personalities continue to protest this low standard of care until they are upgraded, or they give up trying and seldom become all that they can be.
Myth: AP doesn’t prepare the child for the realities of the real world.
Fact: The criticism that AP doesn’t prepare the child to cope in the modern world reflects not on the parenting style but rather on the world. This high-touch parenting style complements rather than competes with a high-tech world. It’s important for a child to develop some high-touch roots before entering our high-tech age. You are raising your children to improve the world they live in, not stay in their own little bubble. The “real world” is only as good as the sum of its parts, which are the parents and children who make it up.
Myth: You’re a bad mother if you don’t practice attachment parenting.
Fact: Nonsense. Attachment parenting is about getting connected to your baby, not about meeting a list of requirements for the “good mother” merit badge. There may be circumstances in your life that prevent you from practicing all of the Baby B’s, or there may be some attachment-parenting tools you just plain don’t want to use. For example, you are certainly not a bad mother if you don’t sleep with your baby. There are plenty of thriving infants and parents who sleep in separate rooms and have wonderful relationships. Consider the Baby B’s as starter styles of parenting. Take what works for you and your family, and discard what doesn’t. As you and your infant get to know one another, you’ll create your own list of attachment tools—things you do that help build your connection with your baby. The point is to get connected any way you can. Do the best you can. Your baby doesn’t compare you with other mothers. To your baby, you are the best mother.