WE TAKE IT FOR GRANTED that parents love their children, but where does that love come from? What makes it so intense? When does it develop? These may seem to be questions that have no easy answers apart from “It’s the way we’re designed.” But when it comes to mothers and babies (and fathers and babies), nothing about love is left to chance. As we have already seen, the process by which a mother learns to love her baby gets lots of support from biology. Mothers and babies are biologically programmed to produce good feelings in one another. This helps love grow.
We’ll use two terms for the process of growing love between infant and parents: bonding and attachment. Bonding describes the way parents and baby get to know each other at the beginning, especially when they are together in the hours following birth. Attachment describes the whole caregiving relationship between mother or father and baby. Attachment begins in pregnancy, intensifies after the baby is born, and continues as the child grows.
Dr. Marshall H. Klaus and Dr. John H. Kennell explored the concept of bonding in their classic book Bonding: The Beginnings of Parent-Infant Attachment, published in 1976. These researchers suggested that for humans, just as for other animals, there is a “sensitive period” right after birth when mothers and newborns are uniquely programmed to benefit from being in contact with each other. Studies done by Klaus and Kennell and others have shown that a mother’s early contact with her baby makes a difference to how she cares for her infant. Mothers who spend lots of time with their babies in the hours and days following birth breastfeed longer, are quicker to respond to their babies’ cries, and feel more attached to their babies. Of course, these parenting behaviors in human beings are not solely the result of bonding at birth. They are influenced by many factors, including the mother’s choices and beliefs. But this kind of parenting, in which parents feel very close to their child, gets a boost from biology if mother and father and baby are together immediately after birth. Here’s how the miracle happens:
The physical and chemical changes occurring in the mother’s body during pregnancy signal the presence of a new being, and the beginning of attachment. Mother’s focus turns inward, and she pays attention to the nurturing of this new life and to the changes ahead in her own. Fathers plan for the new baby as well but in different ways. They may focus on providing financially for the child, on being a role model, and on supporting the mother. While they are not yet experiencing the reality of having a child, both mother and father are growing attached to the idea.
Then the drama of labor begins. After much hard work, both physical and emotional, the parents receive their new baby into their arms. This is the moment they’ve been waiting for, when the dream of a baby suddenly becomes a reality. The movements felt in the uterus and the heartbeat heard through instruments belong to a real human being.
The experience of seeing and touching your newborn at birth is precious. It’s a time when your life-giving love for the infant in your womb is transformed into caregiving love for the baby in your arms. Inside, you give your body and your blood; outside, you give your milk, your eyes, your hands, your voice—your entire self. Your baby gazes intently at you, studying your face as if to say, “I know already that you are the most important person in my world.” The attachment begun during pregnancy grows into the kind of love that ensures that this baby will get the care and protection he needs in order to survive and thrive.
While parents bring a lot of love and a great deal of anticipation to this first meeting, babies bring something, too. All babies are born with a group of special qualities called attachment-promoting behaviors, or APB’s—features and behaviors designed to alert the caregiver to the baby’s presence and draw the caregiver, magnetlike, toward the baby. These include the big, round eyes, the penetrating gaze, the softness of the skin, the incredible newborn scent, and, perhaps most important of all, baby’s early language, the cries and precrying noises. When allowed to work their incredible appeal, newborn babies can make almost anyone fall in love with them. APB’s are an infant’s attachment toolbox to keep mother close by.
As you plan ahead for the birth of your baby or think back to those moments after the birth, it’s important to understand that bonding is not an all-or-nothing event that happens only in the first hour after birth. You can’t say, “Yes, we bonded,” or, “No, we didn’t bond,” based on whether or not you got to hold your baby right after delivery. Bonding is not like using a super, quick-set glue, where the two surfaces must make contact at a critical moment if they are going to stick at all. The attachment between parents and infant develops over many days and months, and it happens differently for everyone. Medical complications sometimes take precedence over mother and baby being together, or sometimes mother is just too worn out from labor to enjoy holding her infant for long. When I was attending pediatrician at a prolonged and exhaustingly difficult labor, the mother said to me, “Let me take a shower and nap, then I’ll bond.”
While there are situations in which mother and baby must be separated at birth because of medical problems, there are also many good reasons why mothers, fathers, and babies should be encouraged to stay together and enjoy some privacy during their first hours as a family. During this time, mother and baby are unusually receptive to one another. They are programmed by nature to do good things for each other during this first meeting. Unnecessary medical routines or the mere convenience of health-care givers should not intrude on this special time. The way in which mother and baby get started with each other sets the tone for how they get to know each other. Spending time together as a family is not a frill—it’s an important part of getting the new family off to a good start.
Birth bonding.
While you certainly don’t need step-by-step instructions for how to bond with your baby (you’ll know what to do), here are some tips to help you understand and enjoy your first meeting. Some of them you will need to discuss with your doctor or the delivery-room staff ahead of time.
1. Hold your baby skin-to-skin immediately after birth. The needs of your newborn after birth are similar to your needs during labor: peace, quiet, warmth, and the arms of someone who cares. Request that your newborn be placed skin-to-skin on your abdomen, baby’s head nestling on your breast, and baby’s back and head covered by a warm towel. This is not just good psychology; it is also good medicine. Newborns get cold easily. Draping baby over the mother tummy to tummy and cheek to breast allows a natural heat transfer from mother to infant that is at least as effective as putting baby in an artificial warmer. Skin-to-skin contact also soothes the newborn. The gentle rise and fall of the mother’s chest as she breathes and her rhythmic heartbeat, familiar to baby from the womb, relieve baby’s distress.
2. Notice baby’s state of quiet alertness. Don’t be surprised if during this first meeting your newborn seems to be relatively still. Within minutes after birth, the newborn enters a state of quiet alertness, the state in which, researchers have discovered, a baby is most able to interact with her environment. It’s almost as if she is so enthralled by what she sees, hears, and feels that she doesn’t want to waste any energy squirming. During this alert stage, the baby looks directly at the mother’s eyes and snuggles at the mother’s breasts. Your baby drinks in the sound of your voice, the feel and smell of your warm skin, and the taste of your breast. Within minutes after birth the infant begins to sense to whom she belongs.
ATTACHMENT TIP
Don’t let technology keep you out of touch with your newborn.
The quiet, alert phase lasts for only an hour or so, and then the baby contentedly drifts into a deep sleep. You’ll see this stage again in the days to come, but for shorter periods of time. That’s one reason for making the most of this first hour after birth. Babies should spend this time with their parents, not in a plastic box in the nursery, bonding with a wall.
3. Touch your baby. Gently stroke your baby, touching her whole body. We have observed how mothers and fathers touch their newborn differently. A mother may stroke all over her baby’s body with a gentle caress of her fingertips, while a father often places his entire hand on his baby’s head as if symbolizing his commitment to protect the life he has fathered. A parent’s touch is often tentative at first, but it grows more confident with each passing minute.
Besides feeling good, stroking has medical benefits. The skin is the largest organ of the human body, and it is very rich in nerve endings. At a crucial transition time in baby’s entry into the world, when breathing patterns are often very irregular, stroking stimulates the newly born baby to breathe more rhythmically. Your touch has therapeutic value.
4. Gaze at your baby. Your newborn can see best at a distance of about ten inches, which, incidentally, is the approximate distance from a mother’s nipple to her eyes. When mothers look at their babies, they usually tilt their head to match baby’s, so that their eyes can meet in the same geometrical plane.
During the first hour after birth, a baby’s eyes are wide open (if the lights aren’t too bright!), as if wanting to relate to his new world. Adults find this steady gaze irresistible—even adults who aren’t the baby’s parents! Staring into your baby’s eyes may make you feel as if you never want to part from this little person whom you have labored so hard and long to bring into the world.
Klaus and Kennell’s book Bonding has a wonderful story about women medical students who assisted in a research project on newborns’ gaze. None of them had plans for having children soon. By the time the study was over, they were all planning to have babies and were coming back to visit their research subjects every afternoon.
5. Talk to your newborn. Studies have shown that newborns can distinguish their mother’s voice from that of everyone else very early in life. Baby can also recognize Dad’s voice, as well as siblings’. During the first hours and days after birth, a natural communication will develop between mother and infant. Mother’s voice comforts her baby and helps baby feel at home in the world. Mothers adjust the pitch and rhythm of their speech when they talk to babies, using a high, sing-song language sometimes called motherese. Babies—even newborn babies—move to the rhythm of their mother’s speech, a phenomenon that suggests that human beings are uniquely programmed to use language.
6. Delay routine procedures. Oftentimes the attending nurse takes care of routines first, such as measuring the baby, cleaning him up, giving him vitamin K, and putting ointment in his eyes, and then presents baby to mother for bonding. This is backward. Ask the nurse ahead of time to delay these procedures for an hour or so, until you and your new baby have enjoyed the initial bonding period. Also, ask that they be done in your room to avoid any separation. This time with your baby is more important than these routine procedures. Think about the very important lesson your baby has learned during this first meeting: distress is followed by comfort. She is learning the single most valuable lesson in infant development, that she can trust her environment.
7. Breastfeed your baby in the first hour after delivery. Contact with the mother’s nipple is part of the design for bringing out mothering behavior, to ensure that an infant will be protected and cared for. The baby’s sucking and licking of the nipple releases the hormone oxytocin into the mother’s bloodstream. Oxytocin causes the uterus to contract and lessens post-partum bleeding. It also produces feelings of affection. Most babies need time to find the nipple on their own, to nuzzle and lick before latching on. Researchers have filmed newborn infants who have had no separation and whose mothers were not medicated actually inching their way up their mother’s abdomen on their own to explore and latch on to her breast within the first forty minutes after birth.
Your baby’s first sucking experiences should take place at the breast. Sucking on an artificial nipple—whether it’s a pacifier or attached to a bottle of water or formula—requires a different sucking action from the one that gets milk from the breast. Newborns need to breastfeed early and often in order to learn correct sucking based on the sucking instincts they are born with. Your baby’s first breastfeedings are very important.
8. Ask for privacy. This first hour after birth should be a quiet one in which Mother and Father focus on their new baby. Ask that you be left alone as much as possible during this time, so that your attention is not diverted from your baby by the hustle and bustle of nurses and other hospital personnel. There will be time for phone calls and family and friends later.
Studies of the parent-newborn attachment process provided the impetus behind the more family-oriented hospital maternity policies of today. They brought babies out of nurseries to room-in with their mothers. This makes sense. Mother and baby are cared for as a unit, as they were during pregnancy. Birth has separated them, but only physically. Baby is born with a sense of oneness with Mother and, of course, depends on mother for milk and comfort. Since mother still feels that her baby is a part of her, she needs to keep her baby close to be sure that he is safe and happy.
Whenever possible, the mother, not the hospital staff, should be the newborn’s primary caregiver. When mothers get to know their babies by caring for them right from the start, they feel more confident of their abilities. Most hospitals will allow babies born by cesarean to room-in once they are stable, as long as someone else will be in the room to assist the mother. The beauty of rooming-in in the hospital is that it allows nurses and doctors to care for the baby’s mother and remain on standby should she need help with her baby.
Unless a medical complication prevents it, we encourage mothers and infants to remain together from the moment of birth until they are discharged from the hospital. Full-time rooming-in allows you to exercise your mothering instincts at a time when your hormones are making you uniquely receptive to your baby’s needs and cues. Mothers and newborns who room-in enjoy the following benefits:
BONDING WITH A SICK OR PREMATURE NEWBORN
Newborns in the intensive-care unit—and their parents—need attachment parenting intensely, but all the medical equipment and parents’ own fears can easily interfere. In the past few decades, medical science has made it possible for ever-smaller premature infants and others with health problems to survive and develop well, but in the midst of all this technology, it’s easy for parents to feel displaced and detached from their baby. Parents, however, are valuable members of the team caring for a sick infant. Long before the baby is ready to come home from the hospital, parents’ love and hands-on care can make a significant difference in their baby’s health and development. The two big B’s of attachment parenting—breastfeeding and babywearing—are especially important for these special infants.
The health benefits associated with breast milk are incredibly valuable to a tiny preemie. Infection rates are significantly lower in babies who receive their own mother’s milk, and the immune protection babies receive from breast milk cannot be duplicated by special preemie formulas. Human milk is easier on immature digestive systems. Because it contains lipase, a hormone that helps with fat digestion, babies can use more of the calories available in the milk. Studies have shown that the milk of mothers who deliver a premature infant is higher in protein, fat, and other nutrients needed for catch-up growth. Pumping milk for a preemie requires a significant commitment from a mother, but she is giving her baby something that only she can give. Giving your baby your milk will help you feel attached and important even before baby is ready to nurse at the breast.
Babywearing has a different name in the neonatal nursery. It’s called kangaroo care, an affectionate term that refers to the way the kangaroo mother carries her infants, who are born at a relatively early stage of development. With kangaroo care, the diaper-clad baby is placed skin-to-skin on the mother’s chest, between her breasts, with a blanket over his back. Mother’s body keeps baby warm, which is important since these tiny babies lack body-insulating fat. Studies of kangaroo care show that the mother’s skin temperature automatically goes up when baby’s drops, so responsive is her body to the needs of her infant. Babies in kangaroo care respond to this closeness by becoming beautifully calm. Their heart rate and breathing become regular, and they sleep more peacefully nestled close to their mother than in their high-tech beds. Babies also explore the breast during kangaroo care. They may lick the nipple or make attempts to latch on. Mothers find that kangaroo care helps them pump more milk. Their bodies respond to baby’s touch by boosting milk production. Babies given kangaroo care cry less, so they conserve energy and oxygen. Kangaroo care is not just for mothers; fathers of these tiny babies enjoy it, too. Most parents find kangaroo care very rewarding, as it helps them get in touch with their hospitalized babies.
Research by Dr. Gene Cranston Anderson at Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland has shown that preemies receiving kangaroo care gain weight faster, have fewer stop-breathing episodes, and have a shorter hospital stay. And babywearing continues to be important to preemies when they leave the intensive-care nursery. After baby comes home, the baby sling helps mother and baby nurture their attachment, encourages frequent feeding, and helps baby grow and thrive.
When I learned that my baby was about to be born eleven weeks premature, I went into a state of depression and detachment. I held back from becoming attached to my baby because I was afraid I was never going to have a baby to bring home. While he was in the intensive-care unit, I was afraid to touch our baby, afraid with every gasp for air that he was going to get sick. My husband was wonderful. He held, nurtured, loved, and cried over our little boy.
After our baby came home from the hospital, my husband stayed home with us for two weeks, caring for both of us. I then heard about attachment parenting. I immediately purchased a baby sling and began wearing my baby, all day, everywhere. Slowly I began bonding and healing by wearing my tiny baby.
More and more, rooming-in is becoming the usual standard of newborn care. Yet there are still too many babies left in plastic boxes in their mothers’ rooms. For true rooming-in, get your baby out of the box and into your arms as much as possible. Your newborn’s home is in your arms, not just by your bedside.
ATTACHMENT SAFETY TIP
It is not safe for postpartum mothers who are deeply tired or under the influence of sedatives or pain relievers to hold their baby in their arms or sleep with their baby without help. In these situations, a mother is not as aware of her baby as she would be otherwise. Mothers who have received medications that affect their sleeping patterns or level of consciousness need supervision and assistance from a nurse or other helper. While Mother sleeps, Father (or another caregiver) can hold the baby and care for baby’s needs.
You may be thinking that you’d rather rest while you’re in the hospital after your baby’s birth. “Let the nurses care for him. I’ll wait till I’ve recovered from childbirth to take on this job full-time.” Think again. Rooming-in is especially helpful for women who are hesitant to jump right into mothering.
One day while making rounds I visited Jan, a new mother, only to find her sad. “What’s wrong?” I inquired.
She confided, “All those gushy feelings I’m supposed to have about my baby—well, I don’t. I’m nervous, tense, and don’t know what to do.”
I encouraged Jan. “Love at first sight doesn’t happen to every couple, in courting or in parenting. For some mother-infant pairs, learning to love is a slow and gradual process. Don’t worry, your baby will help you. But you have to set the conditions that allow the mother–infant care system to click in. The most important condition is that you keep your baby close to you.”
Mother-infant attachment depends on mother-infant communication, which is a two-way system. The opening sounds of the baby’s cry activate a mother’s emotions. This effect on the mother is physical as well as psychological. As the mother thinks, “What is wrong?,” her body is preparing to comfort her baby. The blood flow to her breasts increases, and she may even feel her milk-ejection reflex cause her milk to “let down.” She has a biological as well as an emotional urge to pick up her baby and comfort him—with her voice, with her touch, with her milk. She gently picks up her newborn and tries different ways to soothe him. She speaks, she sings, she pats, she nurses, she moves around the room. The first thing she does may not work, but she keeps trying until her baby calms down. She thinks, “Ah, that was it. He wanted to be up on my shoulder [or he wanted to nurse, or he needed to hear my voice].” Meanwhile, baby thinks, “I was upset and I cried. I got picked up. Now I feel better.” Both of them have learned something that they will apply to their next attempts at communication. There is no other signal in the world that sets off such intense responses in a mother as her baby’s cry.
When babies and mothers room-in together, they have many opportunities to practice their communication. Because Mother is right there, she can begin to notice what baby does before he cries. She picks him up as he awakens, squirms, or grimaces and settles him right down, before the crying even starts, certainly before it is out of control and hard to stop. She has learned to read her baby’s precrying signals and to respond appropriately, and because these more subtle cues get a response, baby begins to use them more often. After rehearsing this dialogue many times during the hospital stay, the mother and baby are working as a team. Baby learns to cue better; mother learns to respond better. Even the mother’s hormones begin to work better. Since she can respond to her baby calmly and confidently, her milk-ejection reflex functions smoothly, and baby gets the milk he needs when he needs it.
What goes wrong when mother and baby are apart? Contrast this rooming-in scene with what happens when mother stays in her room and her infant is cared for in the hospital nursery. Baby awakens in a plastic box. He is hungry and starts to cry, along with other hungry babies in plastic boxes who have managed to awaken one another. A kind and caring nurse hears the cries and responds as soon as time permits. But if she has other babies to bring to their waiting mothers, some babies have to wait. Since the nurse has no biological attachment to any of these babies, she does not feel any particular urgency to quiet the babies’ cries. Her hormones aren’t responding, her milk isn’t rushing down to her nipples. So the crying, hungry baby is taken to his mother as quickly as time permits.
The problem with this scenario is that a baby’s cry has two phases. The early sounds of the cry have an attachment-promoting quality: they arouse sympathy and prompt a response. A cry that goes unattended escalates. It becomes more and more disturbing, more grating on a listener’s nerves. At this point, it may no longer call forth a sympathetic response. Instead, it may actually promote avoidance. (See The Crying Curve, page 85.)
Nevertheless, the mother who has missed the opening scene in this biological drama is expected to give a nurturing response to this baby. However, baby is much more difficult to soothe once he has worked himself up into a full-blown cry. Mother becomes agitated and anxious. Nothing she does seems to help her baby. She is tense, so her milk-ejection reflex doesn’t work, and her baby is too frantic to latch on and nurse anyway. Some babies simply give up after a prolonged period of crying, and by the time one of these babies is brought to his mother, he may have gone back to sleep as a way of withdrawing from pain or the discomfort of hunger. Then the mother has the frustrating experience of trying to wake and feed a baby who only wants to sleep.
If this happens a lot, Mother grows to doubt her ability to comfort her baby, and the infant may wind up spending more time in the nursery, where, Mother feels, the nurses can do a better job of caring for him. Mother and baby go home from the hospital strangers in a way, not really knowing each other.
The cure for feeling as if you don’t understand your baby or don’t know what he wants is to spend time with your baby. That means rooming-in. When baby awakens in your room, you can respond to his precry signals, before his whimpers escalate into a disturbing cry that turns you into a fumbling wreck. Both parents, in fact, can begin to teach their baby to cry better, not harder. If you hold your baby in your arms much of the time, he may hardly need to cry at all, and you will feel like you really know how to do your job. The two of you (or the three of you) really do fit together. A better term for rooming-in may be fitting-in. By spending time together and rehearsing the cue-response dialogue, the baby and mother learn to fit together well. Already they are experiencing one of the payoffs of attachment parenting: knowing and enjoying each other. They are bringing out the best in each other.
Bonding is both a useful term and a loaded one that could set you up for failed expectations. Bonding blues can occur in mothers who have cesarean births, mothers whose babies go directly from the delivery room to intensive-care nurseries, or mothers who are separated from their babies for other reasons after birth. A mother may naturally feel sad or worried when she does not get to hold her baby or keep him with her. Her body and mind are programmed to expect an infant in her arms after the work of giving birth. When this doesn’t happen, some mothers are understandably upset. They may describe feelings of being empty or not whole. They miss their babies and worry about them, and that is very real. But they should not worry about missing out on bonding.
In some animal species, disrupting the sensitive period after birth can permanently damage the mother-infant relationship. The mother may reject or abandon her infant, or the infant may not recognize the mother. Unlike these animals, humans, who are able to think about people and things even when they are not present, have other ways to bond with their babies if they are apart in the hours after birth.
When bonding became the birthing buzzword of the 1980s, there were some unfortunate results that persist today. Bonding is sometimes seen as a now-or-never phenomenon: if you miss your chance in the first hour after birth, you’ve blown it, and your relationship with your baby will never be quite as good as if you’d had that early opportunity to bond. The overselling and distortion of the bonding concept have caused needless worry for mothers who, for one reason or another, were temporarily separated from their babies after birth—especially those mothers who expect perfection in everything they do. While being together during the biologically sensitive period that follows birth does give the parent-infant relationship a boost, there are ways to compensate for missing out on the opportunity to hold your baby at this time. Here are some suggestions:
Father bonding. If Mother cannot be with baby, Father can. He can hold and talk to the baby in the nursery or a quiet room if Mother is groggy from an anesthetic or too tired from the birth to focus on the baby. In this situation, baby gets the benefit of intense human contact in the time after birth, and Father has an opportunity to get to know his baby and absorb his new role. If baby must go to a special-care nursery, or even be transferred to another hospital, Dad can go along and be the one to talk to medical personnel about the baby’s condition and then relay the news to Mother. He may be able to touch and stroke the baby, even in an incubator.
BONDING AFTER A CESAREAN BIRTH
A cesarean section may be a surgical procedure, but first and foremost, it is a birth—the time when Mother and Father first meet their child. When a cesarean is necessary, parents can still enjoy the opportunity to bond with their baby during the sensitive period after birth and in the days to come. Here are some ways to foster bonding following a cesarean delivery.
For the mother. Most cesareans are done using regional anesthesia, so that you feel nothing from your navel to your toes but can still greet your baby as he enters the world. Unless there is an emergency, requiring quick action and general anesthesia, ask that you be given medications that will allow you to be awake and aware during the procedure. When your baby is born, ask to see and touch him as soon as the doctors have checked him over. You may have only one arm free because of the IV, but with assistance you can still enjoy your baby’s soft skin and gaze into his eyes. Your time with your baby may be somewhat limited, and you may feel physically overwhelmed, but make the most of the time you have together. The important thing is that you connect with your baby immediately after birth, and not just from across the room.
For the father. Plan on being with your wife during the operation. (You don’t have to view the surgical area.) You can sit next to her and hold her hand. Once baby is out of the uterus and has been pronounced stable and healthy, you or a nurse can bring baby to Mother and help her to see and touch him. Then, while the surgeons are finishing the operation and your wife goes to the recovery room, you stay with the baby. Even if your baby needs special care, you can still be there next to the incubator. Ask for help from the nursery staff so you can touch your baby and let your baby hear your voice; he may recognize it because he’s heard it for several months in utero. I have noticed that fathers who spend this special time with their babies after a cesarean birth find it easier to get attached to their babies later.
Catch-up bonding. So you miss the first hour of your baby’s life because of medical complications or procedures. Make the most of the hours to come. As soon as you are feeling up to it, request that your baby be brought to you. (You may have to keep asking and be assertive.) Even if he is sleeping, pick him up and hold him. Gaze at his face, examine his tiny fingers and toes, watch him breathe and make faces and sucking motions while he dreams. Keep him close to you. If you don’t feel as if you can be completely responsible for his care in your room, enlist the help of your husband, a grandma, or a special friend during your hospital stay. When he wakes, hold him skin-to-skin against your chest and let him nuzzle the nipple and latch on.
If your baby can’t come to you, go to your baby. Ask to see your baby, to touch him, to hold him—whatever is possible. If your baby is receiving special care, it may be hard to see your little one with tubes or monitors attached, but not seeing your baby is even harder. Call the nursery nurses for a report on your baby several times a day and plan to be with him whenever possible. Leave something special with your baby, perhaps a receiving blanket that has the scent of your milk on it. Take a picture of your baby with you and keep it by the phone or by your breast pump to look at when you are thinking or talking about your baby.
Bonding at home. We have seen adopting parents who, upon first contact with their one-week-old newborn, release feelings as deep and as caring as those of biological parents in the birth room. If you can focus on the baby after you are both at home, the feelings of attachment will come. Keep your baby with you. Give him plenty of skin-to-skin contact as you breastfeed and hold him. Don’t let chores or visitors or even your own worries get in the way of tuning in to your baby.
Relax. Many mothers do not feel love for their infants the first time they meet, whether it’s in the birthing room or days later. What you feel matters much less than what you do. If you practice the parenting behaviors described in this book, the feelings of love will follow. The best cure for wondering if you love your baby is to spend time with her. Study her face, hold her even when she sleeps, comfort her when she cries, nourish her at your breast, honor her likes and dislikes. Responding to her cues, holding her, and comforting her will help her feel loved, even if your own emotions are not quite what you expected. Don’t worry. You will fall in love with your baby. It’s inevitable.
We call the first four weeks at home a period of nesting-in, a time when parents and baby (and older children) learn to fit together as a family. It’s a time for parents to focus on their baby and themselves. During these weeks of nesting-in, your main job is to build a strong mutual attachment between yourselves and your baby. Growing attached means that you come to feel as if you and your baby really fit together. Just as you asked for privacy in the first hour after birth in order to bond with your baby, guard your privacy now, too. Don’t let outside demands or worries intrude on this special time for building the attachment between baby and parents.
Here are some tips to help you make the most of this time and keep your attention centered on your baby and your family.
1. Take maternity leave. Maternity leave means just that: taking leave of everything else so that you can concentrate on being a mother. Whether you’re taking leave from a full-time job or from the preschool car pool, give yourself the gift of time to spend with your new baby.
Mothering a new baby takes more time and energy than most parents ever believe is possible. Building your attachment to your newborn requires that you be there, with your newborn, focusing on her needs and responding to her signals. You can’t do this if you’re also trying to run a busy household, play host to visitors, or keep up with the details of a paying job. It’s not that you’re frantically busy all the time when you’re getting to know your newborn. You’ll spend lots of time doing “nothing,” just holding and nursing your baby. But time spent relaxing with your baby isn’t really doing nothing. You’re observing and learning, resting together, and settling in together. Taking leave of your other responsibilities frees you to relax and enjoy this leisurely time with your baby, without fretting about what isn’t getting done. What you are getting done is actually more important than anything else you could do—mothering your baby.
THE SCIENCE BEHIND “MATERNITY LEAVE”
Since ancient times, traditional cultures throughout the world have treated “those first forty days” after birth as a special time in the lives of mothers and babies. A mother receives household help during this time, and her activities may be restricted so that her attention stays on her baby. This traditional maternity leave has a strong basis in biology.
During the first six weeks postpartum, prolactin levels are high in a mother’s blood. Frequent nursing during the first six weeks helps a mother to establish a good milk supply. Six weeks is about how long it takes for a woman’s body to recover from childbirth and for her to establish a good milk supply for her baby. Lactation scientists have recently established that frequent nursing during the early weeks of breastfeeding is important to a mother’s milk supply over the months to come. Frequent breastfeeding leads to the establishment of more prolactin receptors in the milk-making cells of the breast. Prolactin is the hormone that causes the breasts to make milk. Blood levels of prolactin are high in the first weeks, but they decrease as the baby grows older. Having more prolactin receptors in the breast ensures that even lower levels of the hormone will be able to keep the milk-production process going. Taking the time to nurse your baby often during the first six weeks will help you have plentiful amounts of milk when your baby is three and four months old.
Six weeks is the minimum maternity leave you should consider. Aim for three months, which is now what the law allows. As we said, it takes six weeks to recover from childbirth, establish your milk supply, and settle into a routine and parenting style that work for you and baby. During the next six weeks you’ll begin to cash in on your investment and enjoy your baby more.
Mother burnout occurs frequently in our culture, not so much because of the incessant needs of the tiny baby, but because new mothers try to do too much, too soon. Take those valuable weeks of maternity leave and make it clear to the rest of the family just what your plans are.
Parents often describe the first couple of weeks as wonderful but exhausting. Mothers need lots of rest as their bodies recover from the effort of giving birth and adjust to the process of making milk. Your life changes on the most basic levels: sleep patterns, eating schedules, when you get up in the morning, what you do all day, when you go to sleep at night. The women who cope with these changes most successfully are the ones who are able to relax and go with the flow. Four weeks, the first month of your baby’s life, is a very short time. Almost anything can wait for that long.
Research has focused mainly on mother-infant bonding, with the father given only honorable mention. But when fathers have been the subjects of bonding studies, researchers have noted that they are as responsive to their newborns as mothers are. A father’s reactions to his infant have been given a special name, engrossment. This term describes father involvement to a high degree, a feeling of absorption, even preoccupation with the infant. A new father will be quick to tell you that his newborn is perfect and that he himself feels incredibly happy and very proud of his new offspring. Spending time with baby right after birth and in the first few days helps to bring out these feelings. Dads who have the opportunity to care for their newborns, to talk to them, and to enjoy eye-to-eye contact can quickly become as sensitive as any mother to their baby’s cues.
Unfortunately, fathers are often portrayed as well meaning but bumbling when caring for newborns. Sometimes they’re relegated to the position of secondhand nurturers—nurturing the mother as she nurtures the baby—but that’s only half the story. Fathers have their own unique way of relating to babies, and babies can recognize and respond to this difference. Men can be just as nurturing as women, especially if they’re given a chance to enjoy their baby in the hours and days right after birth.
2. Take paternity leave. Dads, if possible take a week or two away from the job to help your new family get the best start. You have important responsibilities during the nesting-in period that involve your wife, your new child, and any siblings baby may have.
First, do everything you can to make your nest a place where mother and baby can concentrate on each other. Take over whatever housekeeping needs to be done (and keep this to a minimum—this is not the time to scrub carpets or retile the bathroom). See that your wife has good food to eat, whether it’s prepared by you, brought in by friends and relatives, or delivered from her favorite restaurant. Hire some help if you can afford it, or enlist the aid of supportive friends and relatives. An organized environment helps a mother direct her attention to feeding and caring for her baby. Look around—take a walk through the house every day, and then take care of any potential problems that may upset your peaceful nest and your vulnerable partner.
Second, take some time to get to know your newborn. Babies don’t always have to be in Mom’s arms. Dad’s willing arms and chest can provide a welcome respite for Mother. While she takes a shower or a nap, you can be the one to care for the baby. Help out as Mom is getting ready to feed the baby. Hold and talk to him while your wife settles into the rocking chair. Hand her the baby, get her a drink of water, and then sit down, watch, and marvel at this miraculous new life the two of you have created together. If baby is still awake when he’s done nursing, take another turn at walking and enjoying your baby until you soothe him off to sleep.
Third, take over the care of any siblings. Let them know what they can do to help Mom at this time, such as pick up after themselves, keep quiet while Mother naps, or bring snacks and diapers. Let them know that they must be givers during this time, not takers. This is the time for the whole family to give to Mom. (As future mothers and fathers, this is good training for them.) If your baby’s sibling is a toddler or preschooler having fits of jealously over the amount of attention paid to the baby, step in and give this child a good dose of fun with Dad. It won’t quite make up for having to share Mother’s attention, but it will come close.
3. Ban the baby trainers. The early months postpartum are a time to let yourself go and follow your heart and your baby’s cues. This is not the time to worry about getting your baby on a schedule, reducing the number of daily feedings, getting baby to sleep through the night, or teaching baby “who’s in charge.” A tiny baby’s wants are the same as a tiny baby’s needs. Your job is to get to know your baby, not to get your baby to follow someone else’s advice.
When you’re a new mother, love for your baby and your desire to be the very best mother you can be may make you vulnerable. When someone tells you that the way you are mothering might not be the best way, you may get anxious—and confused. Even the most confident of mothers finds it hard to follow her heart and her mothering instincts when books, relatives, and advice in the media are telling her to do something else. This is Dad’s opportunity to shine. Get between your wife and the advisers who upset her. Let her know that you think she is doing a wonderful job of giving your baby exactly what he needs.
4. Ask for help. After you and your baby return home from the hospital, it is wise to limit visitors and phone calls. Entertaining and socializing take energy that should be directed primarily toward taking care of yourself and your baby. Keep visits and phone calls short and pleasant, but do ask friends and family for help. When people ask if there’s anything they can do for you, say yes! Ask them to bring a meal or to stop by the grocery store. Friends can start a load of laundry, clean up the kitchen, or take baby’s big brother or sister to the park. Most people are glad to help; they just need some direction. You can return the favor later by helping out other postpartum families in the years to come.
When helpers (such as your mother, mother-in-law, or best friend) come to visit, be sure that they actually help you. Don’t be the one to wait on them while they hold and play with your baby. They should be mothering you by helping your household run smoothly. You should be the only person acting like the baby’s mother. It’s a good idea to make this clear before Grandma comes to spend a week or two. Be clear about your needs: “I need you to straighten up the kitchen and put dinner in the oven so that I can sit and nurse the baby.” If it’s hard for you to ask for help directly, post a list of jobs to be done on the refrigerator or near the phone. Then let your helpers do the job their way.
Relax and let yourself be on the taking end of this relationship. Thank your helpers profusely for freeing you up to do the one job only you can do: mothering your baby. And yes, you can let them hold the baby—if you go and take a shower or do something nice for yourself while they do.
A couple of phrases that worked for Martha when our children were demanding more than she could give were “Go ask Daddy” and (during sibling squabbles) “That’s disturbing my peace.” Also, she dressed for the occasion. She took the advice she gave in her childbirth classes: “Don’t take your nightgown off for two weeks. Sit in your rocking chair and let yourself be pampered.” She realized that if she didn’t get dressed, the kids would get the message that Mom was off-call for any of their needs that could be met by someone else.
5. Hire help. If it’s financially possible, consider hiring household help while your baby is small. The investment is well worth it. Pay someone to do the cleaning or the laundry. Hire a teenager to play with an older child for an hour or two. You can even pay someone to come into your house and prepare meals for you.
Many communities have doula services. Doula is a Greek word meaning “servant.” A doula specializes in mothering the mother (not the baby, as a baby nurse would), freeing her to focus on and learn to care for the baby. Just as you can hire a doula to support you during labor, doulas also provide postpartum support, including help with breastfeeding and assistance with the household. If you can’t hire a doula, ask your husband, relatives, and friends to be doulas for you. Introduce them to the word and the concept as a way of explaining what you need them to do for you. To learn more about doulas, consult Doulas of North America (DONA) at www.dona.com.
You can even be your own household help if you plan ahead during pregnancy. Cook double amounts for dinner during the month before the birth and freeze half. Stockpile groceries. Keep your home clean and neat as your due date approaches so that you won’t have to look at a mess when you get home from the hospital. And start collecting menus from take-out restaurants so that you’ll have lots of options besides pizza when you choose to make a phone call instead of making dinner during those first weeks at home.
6. Avoid isolation. Too many visitors can be a problem, but coping with a newborn baby all by yourself is not a good idea either. Stay in contact with friends and family members who support your parenting choices and make you feel good about yourself. If you are far away from family and friends, make an effort to find some kind of support system for yourself in your community. Experienced parents can be a good source of support, especially ones who understand the wisdom of standing back and letting you discover what works best in your family. Get together with other couples from your childbirth class or from your church. Investigate activities in your community for mothers and babies. Going from full-time employment with lots of people around to being home by yourself with a baby all day long is a big adjustment. You need social outlets that you and baby can enjoy together, ones that leave you feeling good about yourself. (See the list of resources on page 177.)
7. Eat well and often. When you’re experiencing stress, good nutrition is more important than ever. This means lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, along with whole grains, low-fat dairy products (if you or baby are not sensitive or allergic), and fish, lean meat, and chicken. Have plenty of healthy food on hand for snacks and quick meals so that you won’t be tempted to load up on sweets and junk food.
Babies are notorious for needing to breastfeed just as Mom and Dad are sitting down to dinner. There will be times when you have to grab a meal when you can, but be sure that what you grab is good for you. Smaller, more frequent meals keep your blood sugar steady and your energy level high and help you be more responsive to your baby. It’s amazing, but true: eating well will help keep your emotions on an even keel.
The first six weeks postpartum are not the time to worry about losing pregnancy pounds. They will come off in their own good time, especially if you are nursing. If you stick to healthy food, exercise and time will take care of the weight loss. You’re a new mother now—you’re designed to carry a little extra padding for the first few months.
8. Get some exercise. Taking care of yourself doesn’t mean sitting around doing nothing. Physical exercise is a tremendous way to combat stress and boost your mood. Exercise releases endorphins, brain chemicals that make you feel happier and more relaxed. Take advantage of this natural antidepressant.
Walking is excellent exercise for postpartum women. You don’t have to worry about who will mind the baby—just bring your baby along. Carry her in the babysling. She’ll be cuddled close to you, and your movement will probably put her to sleep. Take a brisk forty-five-minute walk daily or at least several times a week. You’ll be outside, you’ll feel better, you’ll sleep better, and some of those extra postpartum pounds will disappear as well.
9. Rest, rest, rest. You can’t be very responsive to your new baby if you are tired and cranky. Newborn sleeping patterns are unpredictable, and you will often find yourself awake in the middle of the night and worn out in the middle of the afternoon. Naps are great for postpartum mothers (dads, too). Take the phone off the hook and hang a sign on the front door that says “Do not disturb. Mom and baby resting.” Go to bed early if your baby does, or sleep late. Teach your baby to nurse lying down so that the two of you can drift off to sleep together. Getting enough rest will lift your mood, help you care for your baby better, and give your body a chance to recover from childbirth.
10. Delegate to Dad. Husbands and wives cannot read each other’s minds. Having a new baby brings major change to your lives, but mothers and fathers meet these challenges in different ways. It’s important to talk to one another, and important to listen.
Wives, be specific in telling your husband what kind of help you need, both practical and emotional. You may think that it’s obvious that you need help with housework, or that you need a hug and holding rather than advice. But many men are unable to sense what their wives are thinking and feeling. Be nice but direct. Your husband will probably be grateful for the information.
Husbands, let your wives know what you’re thinking and feeling. If you’re feeling left out, as if there’s no place for you in the family because of your wife’s intense focus on the new baby, talk with her about this. Then take over the baby care for a while so that your wife has a chance to take a nap, go for a short walk, or do something else for herself. If you can give her opportunities to care for her own needs, she will be more likely to have some energy for you as well as for the baby.