THE BABY B that flows most instinctively from an AP mother is her belief that her baby is trying to tell her something when
he cries. At first she may not know what the cry means, and trying to respond in the right way may be frustrating. As she
gets to know her baby better and the attachment between them grows, she will also believe in her ability to decode her baby’s
crying language and to offer the right kind of comfort. Baby’s cries really are a language, but early in the mother-child
relationship they may seem more like a foreign language. The more you listen and respond, the better you will get at understanding
what your baby is saying.
CRYING IS AN ATTACHMENT TOOL
A baby’s cry is a baby’s language. It’s baby’s way of saying, “Something is not right, please make it right!” The infant’s
cry is designed to help the baby survive by calling attention to her needs. (And we want our babies to not just survive, but
thrive.) Researchers who have studied the sound of crying regard the infant’s cry as the perfect signal: disturbing enough
to command attention but not so disturbing that parents want to get away rather than respond. Crying is how a baby keeps her
parents close and attached. Respond to your baby’s cry with your ear and your heart.
Babies generally stop crying when their parents respond. This is another feature of crying that builds attachment. When, by
your presence, your arms, and your nurturing, you can calm baby’s fears, you feel good about your baby and about yourself.
The more you respond, the better you get at understanding your baby’s cues and the more attached you feel. Babies everywhere
cry, but the sensitivity of parents’ listening varies greatly, as does the intensity of cries from one baby to another.
Responding to baby’s cries isn’t always easy. It can be quite frustrating, especially in the early weeks, when you are still
struggling to learn baby’s language and baby’s signaling skills are disorganized. But hang in there and keep responding. How
you handle your baby’s cries can teach baby to cry less and to cry less disturbingly. As parents and baby practice their cues
and responses hundreds of times in the early months, baby learns to cue better. Her cries become less disturbing and more
communicative. It’s as if baby has learned to talk better. You learn to respond more appropriately; eventually you know when
and how quickly to say yes or no. In time, baby becomes so good at cueing and you become so good at understanding her signals
that the two of you can communicate with only minimal amounts of crying. This is what we mean when we say that attachment
parenting teaches babies to cry nicer. Here’s how you can make it happen.
ATTACHMENT-STYLE CRYING
How often have you heard someone say, “I just needed a good cry”? A good cry can relieve tension, a phenomenon that has some
basis in physiology. Dr. William Frey, in his book Crying: The Mystery of Tears, cites studies that show that stress hormones are present in human tears and that tears stimulated by emotions are chemically
and hormonally different from those caused by irritants to the eye. Studies have also found endorphinlike hormones in tears
(endorphins are hormones that bring good feelings to the brain).
There may be situations in which baby actually needs to cry in order to relieve tension and relax. This observation is not
a license to let a baby cry it out, but rather a reminder to parents that you can’t always do something to stop your baby’s
cries. In fact, stopping your baby’s cries is not your job. Your job is to respond and to be there for your baby while he
is upset. Don’t feel guilty or inadequate if you can’t fix what’s bothering baby. He may just need to cry for a while. Pain
cries, though, are different from tension cries. Keep working at finding the cause. As an AP mother you will know the difference.
Here’s a story that a sensitive AP mother shared with us about a friend:
I went to visit my friend, who had just had a baby. While we were talking, her three-week-old started crying in another room.
The baby kept crying, louder and louder. It really bothered me. My breasts were ready to leak milk! Yet my friend seemed oblivious
to her baby’s signals. Finally, I couldn’t stand it anymore, and I said, “It’s okay, go attend to your baby. We can talk later.”'Matter-offactly she replied, “No, it’s not time for his feeding. I want my baby to learn I’m in control, not him.” Incredulous,
I asked, “Where on earth did you get that idea?” “From a parenting class,” she proudly replied.
Clearly, this mother and infant pair were becoming disconnected, and it was very hard for this sensitive AP mother to see
it happen.
I believe that if you listen to them when they’re young, they’ll listen to you when they’re older.
Create conditions that lessen your baby’s need to cry. “My baby seldom fusses; she doesn’t need to.” The mother who said this shaped her baby’s environment so that her baby would
be calm and content most of the time. All the Baby B’s lessen a baby’s need to cry. Breastfeeding babies cry less because
they are held and fed more often. Sling babies cry less because they are carried more. Bed-sharing infants cry less because
they don’t have to summon food and comfort from another room. Early newborn bonding, breastfeeding, babywearing, and bed sharing
all create such a feeling of rightness within the baby that there is less need to cry and there are fewer occasions when baby
completely falls apart. Babies don’t need to cry as intensely when a caregiver is only inches away. Why turn the volume up
when the listener is close by? Parents who practice the Baby B’s can become so adept at anticipating a tiny newborn’s needs
that they can respond at the first hint of a problem, before baby even needs to cry.
Regard your baby’s cry as communication rather than manipulation. Tiny babies cry to communicate. Feeling manipulated is in the mind of the parents. Think of your baby’s cry as a signal to
be listened to and responded to rather than immediately clicking into the “What does that baby want from me now?” mind-set.
If you are worried about spoiling your baby or her controlling you, you will always be second-guessing your responses to baby’s
cry. Think of your baby’s cry as a communication tool rather than a control technique. Babies don’t cry to control, they cry
to communicate.
Learn to read your baby’s precry signals. Crying is what happens when a baby’s anxiety builds to a peak. Before baby cries, there are other signs that baby needs comfort
from an adult. These may be anxious facial expressions, flailing arms, excited breathing, quivering lips, a furrowed brow,
squirming into a nursing position, or other body language that tells you something is not right. Being with your baby and
observing your baby closely will help you learn to recognize these. Responding to these precry signals teaches baby that she
doesn’t always have to cry to get attended to. This is especially helpful with those babies whose cries escalate immediately
into “red alert” and are difficult to calm once they start crying.
Respond early. Delaying your response to baby’s cries won’t teach her to cry any less, and it may lead her to cry harder and more disturbingly.
Studies have actually shown that babies whose cries are promptly attended to learn to cry less as older infants. Think what
you are teaching your baby. When you delay your response, baby learns that he has to cry full blast to get your attention.
The next time he is upset, he’ll go immediately to that level of crying. Some babies—those with mellow, laid-back temperaments—may
quit crying when a parent fails to respond. But most are far more persistent. It’s much kinder to comfort baby right away.
Try the “Caribbean approach.” Taking a relaxed approach to baby’s fussing will often keep a cry from escalating. Your close attachment to your baby means
that not only can you read baby’s mood, he can read yours. If your baby senses that you are not anxious, then he is likely
to calm down. We call this the Caribbean approach. You shrug your shoulders, smile a little bit, and say, “No problem, baby.”
Susan, a sensitive and nurturing AP mother, brought her eight-month-old, Thomas, into my office for fussy-baby counseling.
As I talked with her, I noticed that she always picked Thomas up within a millisecond of his first peep with an anxious look
on her face. Watching them, it was clear to me that baby’s anxiety triggered mother’s anxiety, which in turn made baby feel
more anxious and made them one anxious pair. In this case, mother’s strong desire to do the best for her baby was working
against her. Susan’s responding quickly was not the problem; her responding anxiously was. I advised her to try the Caribbean
approach. As soon as Thomas began to fuss, she was to relax her facial expression (even if she felt anxious inside), and instead
of swooping him up into her arms, she was to simply turn toward her baby and utter some words of reassurance. What her baby
needed from her was the message, “No problem, baby, you can handle this. Mama’s here.” Soon baby Thomas began to fuss less
and play more.
SCIENCE SAYS:
Early Response Means Less Crying
In 1974 a group of researchers met to review studies on what makes competent children. In analyzing attachment research, they
concluded that the more a mother ignores crying in the first half of the first year, the more likely her baby will cry more
frequently in the second half.
As I sit here with Andrea by my side, I am amazed at how quickly she resettles just from a reassuring, “It’s okay.” Her fussing
immediately stops, and she goes back to her nap almost instantly. She knows that I’m close by if she needs anything, and I
know that makes her feel safe and secure. She never has to go into an all-out cry because the sound of my voice settles her
when she begins to fuss. This also works when she begins to fuss in our bed at night. A reassuring “It’s okay,” a cuddle,
and we all get a lot more sleep than if she had completely woken up, cried, and gotten angry.
SHOULD BABY CRY IT OUT?
Sometime during your parenting career, someone is going to suggest that the solution to your baby’s crying is to let your
baby cry it out. Don’t do it, especially not in the early months! Let your baby cry it out is a piece of advice that can do far more damage than good. Let’s take this insensitive admonition apart so that you can
see how unwise and unhelpful it is.
“Let your baby.” It’s very presumptuous for a person who has no biological connection to your baby to lecture you on how to respond to your baby’s cries. Even if the advice comes from Grandma or another loving relative, realize that this person does not know your
baby the way you do. She’s also not the one who’s listening to what those cries sound like at 3 A.M. To people who give this kind of advice, probably out of concern for you, a cry is an annoyance. You know it reflects a need.
“cry.” What exactly is a baby’s cry? To the cry-it-out crowd, a cry has no meaning. But in fact, baby is crying to communicate.
He is desperate to communicate his needs. How you respond to the cry is also a way of communicating.
Not only is the cry a wonderful tool for babies, it is a useful signal for parents, especially the mother. Cries are designed
to motivate parents to respond. And when a mother picks her crying baby up and nurses him, she enjoys the relaxing effects
of the hormones released by breastfeeding, which help her become more nurturing and less tense about her baby’s cry. Why would
anyone want to miss out on that!
“it.” What is the it in cry it out? Is it an annoying habit that must be broken? That’s unlikely, since a need cannot be called a habit. And babies
don’t enjoy crying. Also, the belief that crying is good for a baby’s lungs is just plain wrong. Excessive crying lowers baby’s
blood oxygen levels and raises levels of stress hormones. To an attached parent, a cry stands for a need. The it in cry it out won’t go away until the need is filled.
THE CRYING CURVE
A baby’s cry is not the same from beginning to end. If you were graphing it, it would look like a rising curve. The opening
sound of a baby’s cry draws the listener magnetlike toward the baby. It promotes attachment by triggering an empathic response
in the caregiver that leads to the desire to comfort the baby. However, if the infant’s cry continues because no one has listened
and responded, it becomes increasingly disturbing, until the infant is over the top and past the point where the cry has a
positive effect on caregivers. The over-the-top cries provoke an avoidance response, and the caregiver has to fight the urge
to get away from this screeching creature. When baby still isn’t getting what he needs, the cry moves into the anger phase.
The parent is angry about how difficult it is for baby to settle down, and baby is angry that his cries are not getting the
response he’s looking for. One reason for responding quickly to baby’s cries is to keep them in the attachment phase of the
crying curve, the phase in which babies cry nicer.
One day a child psychologist who was visiting us commented on the cry of our baby Hayden: “She has an expectant cry, not an
angry cry.”
Effect of mother’s response on baby’s cries.
SCIENCE SAYS:
Crying it out is not scientifically correct.
Studies have shown that most babies who are left to cry it out don’t cry less, but rather they cry in a more disturbing way
and cling to parents more and take longer to become independent.
“out.” What actually does a baby cry out when you let him cry, and where does it go? Does the infant cry out the ability to cry?
Can he just get all that crying over with and be done with it? No! An infant can cry for hours and still retain the ability
to cry. What the baby loses is the motivation to cry, and some other valuable things along with it. When no one responds to
baby’s cry, the baby has two choices: He can cry louder, harder, and produce a more disturbing signal, hoping desperately
that someone will listen; or he can give up, become a “good baby” (that is, a quiet baby) and not bother anyone. Think how
you would feel if you had a need and tried your best to communicate that need, but no one listened. You would be angry. You
would feel powerless and unimportant, and you would believe that no one cares about you, since your needs matter little to
anyone. What goes out of a baby left to cry is trust: trust in his ability to communicate and trust in the responsiveness
of his caregivers.
Something goes out of parents as well when baby is left to cry it out. Parents lose sensitivity. Advisers may tell you that
you must harden your heart against your baby’s cries and even may suggest that you should do this for the sake of your baby.
This is wrong. You go against your own biology when you consciously desensitize yourself to your baby’s signals and shut down
your instinctive responses. Yes, it’s true that eventually crying won’t bother you, but this has serious implications for
your parenting. You will lose trust in your baby’s signals, and you’ll lose your ability to understand baby’s primitive language.
This is what happens when parents view crying as a control issue rather than as a way of communicating.
We tried the cry-it-out approach. I was so tired, and my friends all recommended this approach, so I thought I’d try it. Big
mistake! It tore me up inside to hear her cry. The next morning my baby was hoarse and I had a hurting heart. She clung to
me like a koala for the next couple of days. I will never do that again.
ADVICE FOR PARENTS WHOSE BABIES CRY A LOT
One day Leslie, a mother in my practice, and I were having a conversation about her baby’s crying. Leslie was a nurturing,
attached mom, blessed with a challenging high-need baby who was waking up frequently during the night. She responded sensitively
to her baby’s needs, but she was nearing burnout. Her marriage was suffering. She and her husband were at odds over parenting
styles, and she confided that she was not enjoying motherhood. She loved her baby, but there were times when she felt angry
about his frequent, lengthy crying spells. There were times when she needed to get away, and at times like this, she let her
baby cry. She asked, “Am I a bad mother because I let my baby cry?” “You’re not a bad mother, you’re a tired mother,” I replied.
IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOUR BABY CRIES
Don’t feel that it’s your fault if you have a baby who cries a lot. If you are doing your best to respond sensitively to your
baby’s cries, don’t feel that something is wrong with your mothering (or fathering) if you can’t always soothe your baby.
You don’t have to stop your baby’s cries. Just do the best you can to be sure there’s no physical cause (this can become a
long-term search, by the way) and then experiment with various ways of calming your baby. There will be times when you’ve
tried everything you can think of and you still don’t know why your baby is crying. Sometimes your baby doesn’t know either.
If you’ve done all you can to figure out why your baby is crying, then offer a caring set of arms, your breast, and a shoulder
to lean on so your baby is not left to cry alone. The rest is up to your baby.
Babies who cry incessantly are no fun to have around the house. Their cries have a more disturbing sound, and they do not
adjust easily to changes. Even with sensitive parenting, they continue to fuss, causing Mom and Dad to be tense and irritable.
It may seem as if attachment parenting is not working for this baby, and in this family situation, the cry-it-out, get-your-baby-on-a-schedule
advice may look like the parents’ only salvation. But in fact, this is the baby who most needs attachment parenting. Otherwise,
with all these negatives, parents are likely to distance themselves from their child. For attachment parenting to work well
in this family, some adjustments are needed. A mother can’t maintain a close connection to her baby if her baby’s needs are
so all-consuming that she is tense and exhausted.
If you find yourself in a situation similar to Leslie’s, you need to take action. Don’t shut your baby up in the nursery to
cry every evening. Look for other solutions. Consider these:
Look for a medical cause for crying. In consultation with your baby’s doctor, explore the physical causes for your baby to be a “hurting baby,” one who is colicky
(or fussy) because of an underlying medical condition. Consider the possibility of gastroesophageal reflux (GER), a formula
allergy, or, in a breastfed baby, an allergy or sensitivity to a food in your diet. A baby who is in pain much of the time
will be irritable. In this case, you must treat the cause to stop the crying.
Teach baby to cry better. The Caribbean approach (see page 83), where you use your own relaxed facial expression and body language to let your baby
know that he does not need to cry, is especially helpful with fussy babies. When your older baby fusses or cries, instead
of quickly scooping him up into your arms, simply make voice contact: “Mama’s here.” Make a funny face, or talk to baby about
something. You’re trying to distract baby from fussing and get him involved in something else. This approach might be difficult
at first because you have to relax yourself in order to model this reaction to baby. Take a slow, deep breath, or just pause
for a few seconds and let go of tension. As you learn to do this, baby will, too.
Change listeners. Persistent crying usually bothers moms more than dads. Sometimes mothers just need to get away for a while to save their
sanity. Be sure baby is well fed and then hand him over to Dad while you take a walk or go somewhere on your own for an hour
or so. Baby and Daddy benefit from time together, and fathers are often more tolerant of babies who continue to fuss despite
their parents’ attempts to comfort them. Crying in the arms of someone who loves you is not the same as crying it out alone
with no one to at least offer comfort. Crying in Daddy’s arms helps baby know he’s not crying alone.
Teach baby that he can handle some problems on his own. Newborns and young babies need almost constant help from Mom or Dad to stay organized and calm. But by one year of age, babies
can begin learning to do this for themselves. Use your own sensitivity to gauge whether baby needs an immediate response or
if she needs a minute or two to try and settle herself. Listen to the intensity of the fussing. If it’s increasing rapidly,
you probably need to respond. If it peaks and then begins to taper off, hold back. Don’t mistake this advice for the baby
trainers’ formula of scheduled crying. Be guided by your own knowledge of your baby. There is no magic formula for teaching
a baby to handle his own emotions. Each session is a cry-by-cry sensitivity call that only you can make. Remember, your ultimate
goal is to show your baby as he grows older and into toddler-hood that sometimes there are other ways to cope besides crying.
At the same time, you don’t want to teach baby that his cries have no value.