Chapter two. How I Got a Rabbi to Hate Jews or How I Let Oliver StoneBeat the Crap Out of Me to Hone His Producer Skills
CO-EXECUTIVE PRODUCER: I know I said I would provide scientific definitions, but I really have no idea what the fuck these people do. Using my Yale-provided education regarding Latin prefixes, I am assuming they share head-honcho producing duties with the other Executive Producer. If anyone has a better idea, please e-mail me at lloyd@troma.com.
Synonyms: The Other Executive Producer, Co-Money Guy
Example:“I got a call from the Co-Executive Producer today about the budget.”
“You mean Gary?”
“No, the other guy.”
Speaking of Yale…
Once upon a time, there was a young boy who graduated from Yale. Full of Boola Boola Eli Yale Optimism from the experience of producing Rappacini and directing The Girl Who Returned1 while still a naïve young thing2 in school, he dusted the moths off his bar mitzvah suit and decided to go and make a movie with sync sound for fun with friends to create a piece of art, rake in some money, and have a good time. Just call me “Candide.”
1Rappacini and The Girl Who Returned are some of my earliest movies, which did not have direct synchronized sound. See my books Make Your Own Damn Movie! and Direct Your Own Damn Movie! for details.
Hear ye, hear ye, all movie makers and producers with stars in your eyes: I am going to let you in on a little-known secret that myself, my producing buddy Oliver Stone3 (a childhood friend) and Garrard L. Glenn (a Yale friend) were lucky enough to discover early on as we set out to raise the money for Sugar Cookies (budget: $100K smackers). Your dentist is filthy fucking rich and dying to be part of the creative business of making movies.
3Oliver Stone is a well-known* American film producer, director, and screenwriter who first rose to prominence as a young boy for beating me up and making me cry. He later came of age with his series of films about the Vietnam War.*FOOTNOTE GUY: Lloyd, I know this wasn’t intentional, but it’s a little silly when you mention in a footnote that someone is “well-known.” In the biz, we call that FU—Footnote Useless. It belittles your subject and belittles** the guy doing your footnotes, too, so if you could curb this behavior in the future, I’d really appreciate it, okay?**INDEX GYNO: Yeah, he’s little enough!******FOOTNOTE GUY: Thanks!********INDEX GYNO: I now need to index Oliver Stone on this page as well as in the footnote. We call that a WIN—a Wasted Index Notation, or, as we professionals call it, a “Windex.” Shit! I just realized that I referenced Oliver Stone again in this footnote, so I’ll need to add that in now, too.
Just think about it. Dentistry is ranked as being a profession with one of the highest rates of suicide. Patient after patient, cavity after cavity, 4 day after day, old women and old men recline in a chair with their mouths wide open5 and have havoc wreaked upon6one of the most sensitive areas of their entire bodies7 as gums are rubbed and teeth are yanked all for that goal of attaining that million-watt smile. Being that no conversation or exchange beyond “‘At ertz” and “Feeeeeez stahp dat” and “Moh vutah” are possible, just where is your dentist to get his/her necessary dose of human interaction and artistic fulfillment that feeds the soul?
PRODUCING LESSON #127: Don’t be afraid to talk to everybody and anybody who will listen about your idea for the awesome movie you want to make. You never know who’s going to cough up some cash for your production.
Your dentist is going to get that artistic soul fulfillment by investing a portion of that hard-earned cash in a movie. In particular, an X-rated8 voyeuristic movie with lesbian sex and a couple of precisely placed handguns. For those of you who don’t keep up with your recommended bi-annual dental checkup visits, you’re fucking screwed. 9
8X-rated according to the MPAA (Motion Picture Association of America), those incredibly qualified censorship-anointing members of Hollywood studios I love so much who advance their own self-interests through a “voluntary” film rating system. Believe me, what was considered X-rated in the '70s would be PG by today’s standards.
9My editrix Elinor is telling me not to be so discouraging* in the book so early on and reminding me that “fucking screwed” is repetitive.***EDITOR’S NOTE: The New York Times liked Sugar Cookies! Ha ha!**ANOTHER EDITOR’S NOTE: Actually, Lloyd, “fucking screwed” is how I felt when they told me I was editing yet another one of your books, but that’s beside the point here, as the more pressing question is where exactly are you headed with all this dentist talk? Your readers need practical advice.
But Enough About Halitosis
Returning to our original topic—me—if it makes you feel any better, I didn’t know shit about making movies when I graduated from Yale. I knew I loved them and I knew they got me excited like nothing else. 10 All I knew is that I had made two of them (feature-length) already, without sound (and no one really wanted to see those), and I still wanted to make more. 11
11It may be worthwhile to point out the value in the producer being slightly sadomasochistic, as producing a film involves many elements of incredible, intense, joyful, satisfying pleasure coupled with excruciating pain. I’m getting a little feverish just thinking about it.
After Yale, I made The Battle of Love’s Return fresh out of school for $8K with Garrard, Frankie, and Oliver. Not wildly popular (though in the film I do look awfully handsome dodging elevator doors and prancing around in my tighty-whities), but it did get people interested enough to give us more money to make our next feature film. I even once sent a copy of Battle of Love’s Return to the venerable Herr Fritz Lang12 and received this prized letter in response:
12Fritz Lang (1890–1976) was an Austrian-German-American genius film producer, director, and screenwriter dubbed the “Master of Darkness” by the British Film Institute. His film Metropolis was the most expensive silent fivlm ever made at the time of its release and his 1957 film Beyond a Reasonable Doubt was just remade by Mark Damon, (whom you’ll meet later in this book), starring Michael Douglas. The Big Heat is one of my favorite films. You’ll learn more about producing from watching The Big Heat than from 25 years of USC film school.
Dear Mr. Kaufman:
Thank you for sending me The Battle of Love’s Return.
I watched it.
Sincerely.
Fritz Lang
That letter remains, to this day, one of my greatest treasures and contains one of the nicest things anyone has ever said about one of my movies.
Getting back to those lesbians and handguns I touched upon13 earlier, I, along with the other producers on Sugar Cookies, thought we had our golden ticket—just like American Idol. I had written a pretty decent rough draft of a script that was, in a nutshell, an X-rated combo homage to Hitchcock’s Vertigo14 and MacKendrick’s Sweet Smell of Success. 15 Only this “fromage” to Hitch had lesbians and handguns—a surefire recipe for success. We were going to make so much money that we would be able finance our next five movies from the net proceeds on this baby. But you know what? Even with the boobs and the beavers and a whole lot of stuff that’s not so bad to look at, it ended up being a snore of a movie! Oliver tried to get me to dump the “older, more experienced director” early on and direct Sugar Cookies myself when he saw the way things were going, but I didn’t listen to him.
13The only lesbians that let me touch upon them were my pet hamsters Stacey and Lacey. When I was in the sixth grade, I would watch the little rodents pleasure each other while slapping one off myself.
14Vertigo is the condition my mother-in-law experienced when watching Terror Firmer. It is also the title of a thriller directed by Alfred Hitchcock (1899–1980), a well-known revolutionary producer and filmmaker who was a master of psychological suspense.**INDEX GYNO: You’re doing the “well-known” thing again. A big FU from you to FG. I know we have something special, but it doesn’t make it okay, Lloyd.****FOOTNOTE GUY: Thanks for sticking up for me!
15Sweet Smell of Success is a classic 1957 American noir film starring Burt Lancaster, Tony Curtis, Susan Harrison, and Martin Milner, directed by Scottish-American director Alexander MacKendrick (1912–1993).
 |
| Figure 2.1. |
| LK does his famous Quasimodo imitation as he directs rare Siamese twins attached at the tongue. |
Instead, we decided to let the older, wiser, more experienced Theodore Gershuny (who rewrote the script and made it even more boring) direct it. As part of digging ourselves into an even deeper hole, Gershuny’s wife Mary Woronov played the lead—and this was a mistake. Mary is a wonderful and talented person, but she did not perform to her highest ability under the direction of her husband, nor did he include enough erotic material in the film to entice the audience … or us horny young bastards.
In my gut, I knew this movie wasn’t reaching the potential it had on the page that made us all want to produce it in the first place. I knew the fact that the only thing the lovely, talented Mary and Lynn Lowry were stirring within me was the desire to take a nap with my sock, which is never a good sign. But I didn’t listen to my gut. I just kept going.
Sugar Cookies did end up contributing to film history, however. It is the only X-rated movie in history to lose money! One positive result of Sugar Cookies was that Garrard L. Glenn, Jeffrey Kappelman (the Associate Producer for Sugar Cookies), and Oliver Stone formed an alliance, brought in fundraisers and ended up raising the money for Oliver Stone’s first directorial effort, Seizure. 16 Mary Woronov and Tom Sturges, the Sugar Cookies Art Director, also joined the Seizure team. Oliver’s amazing career was in bloom! Oliver had also invited me to start a movie company with him and to join him in his venture, but I politely declined and clung to my own producing dreams, 17 moving forward to make another shitty movie called Big Gus, What’s the Fuss? and perpetuate my lifelong streak of fortuitous, genius career moves.
16Oliver Stone later went on to direct the best movie in the history of cinema, Alexander, starring two of the homeliest individuals ever to walk the face of the earth, Angelina Jolie and Colin Farrell.
17And thus began my trajectory of wildly innovative, career-advancing instincts, which further manifested themselves when we turned down Madonna for a lead role in Troma’s First Turn-On nearly 10 years later. And by “we” I mean Michael Herz, my Tromatic producing partner of 35 years.
The Kaufman Curse strikes again.
But listen up, dear reader: you can use my shit as an example of what not to do. Sit up straight and listen, because this is Produce Your Own Damn Movie Lesson #852 and it’s the most important. Trust your gut. PRODUCE WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN (and you will make a piece of art you believe in). DON’T COMPROMISE. If your heart is singing and your passion is flaring, 18 then follow it and don’t give in, no matter what, no matter how tough.
18FOOTNOTE GUY: In fact, if any of these things are happening right now, call me! It sounds very interesting. Maybe I can be of some assistance? I may be little, but I have a lot of energy. You can reach me at 718-391-0110. Weeknights after 7:00 p.m. work best for me.
Who is Mark Harris?
Mark Harris is one of the few Oscar-winning producers who has poured his blood, sweat and tears into producing such movies as Gods and Monsters, Crash, 19and Million Dollar Baby.
19The Oscar winning one by Paul Haggis,* not the masterpiece by David Cronenberg.*INDEX GYNO: He badmouthed Poultrygeist in Entertainment Weekly, didn’t he?****LLOYD’S RESPONSE: Yup.
I can only produce movies I feel very strongly about.
The biggest mistake producers make is to make deals, not art with passion. If you just make the deals, you may be successful, but you won’t be satisfied.
A Possible Reversal of Fortune?
You want to know the truth, though? I will bet you any given Sunday that had Sugar Cookies been one of the natural-born killers it was meant to be and given a payout at the box office as fat as a 1999 bonus on Wall Street, it may not have opened the doors for Oliver Stone to move ahead with his own platoon.20 So in some sense, everything does happen for a reason, even if we can’t quite see the big picture while we’re in the middle of it. 21 You’re welcome, Oliver Stone!
20FOOTNOTE GUY: I counted 5, IG, 5. You?**EDITOR’S NOTE: Lloyd, this is very funny, but maybe your readers need some clarification.****INDEX GYNO: Actually, FG, there are 6 total.****** Oliver Stone did go on to make such box office hits as Any Given Sunday, Natural Born Killers, Payout, Wall Street, The Doors, and Platoon.
21FOOTNOTE GUY: This is some deep philosophical stuff, Lloyd. You’ve really grown a lot as a human being since we last spent time together. I have to say, I’m really digging it! Have you been reading any Marianne Williamson*?*INDEX GYNO: Marianne Williamson is a spiritual activist, author, and lecturer. In other words, she is Lloyd’s guru and self-help “bitch.” He calls her “TroMarianne.”****EDITOR’S NOTE TO INDEX GYNO: Ms. Gyno, would you please be so kind as to include this reference to Marianne Williamson in the index? I don’t want her lawyers to be upset if we don’t include her.
Don’t believe in the top 100, top 10 or top anything lists
The American Film Institute (AFI) publishes a list of the top 100 films every year. How this list is compiled, no one can be sure. But here are my top five reasons not to believe in this piece of shit:
1. Art is not meant to be rated.
2. Don’t trust lists heavily weighted toward George Lucas.
3. Don’t trust lists possibly generated by individuals who think film history started with Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet on the deck of the Titanic.
4. If Ben Affleck and I are both left off of this list, how accurate can it really be?
5. Why should you listen to what other people decide are the best films?! Produce your own damn list!
Instead, think about how many people had to bend over in order to be included in this list.
Just like JFK and Nixon
Oliver Stone and I had many sleepovers as young lads growing up in New York City. I would bound over to his house, sleeping bag in hand, eager for the fun, sleepless nights, baseball cards, girl-bashing, and rough-housing22 ahead of me. Inevitably, at some point in the evening, Oliver would find something I said or did that would piss him off or throw him into a rage and he would beat me up. This behavior was very helpful in honing the strong decision-making/occasional artistic-bullying skills he would later need as a film producer. Oliver owes me! I’d flee, crying, in the middle of the night, and run back home. This continued well on into the seventh grade. Speaking of the seventh grade…
22INDEX GYNO: “Rough-housing”? Was it Oliver Stone who turned you into the “gay married man” described on your MySpace profile?
Who is Steven Paul?
Steven Paul started as a 12-year-old child actor in Mark Robson’s movie, Happy Birthday, Wanda June, penned by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. He eventually branched off into directing and producing his own damn movies, most recently Ghost Rider, starring yet another actor no one has ever heard of, Nicholas Cage. Steven Paul also manages such talent as Jon Voight and Gene Wilder. Currently, he is working with Steven Spielberg on producing Ghost in the Shell, a remake of a huge Japanese movie. Steven first met me when he was a student in my filmmaking class at the School of Visual Arts in New York City.
When I was a kid, I bought some video tape equipment. I carried a backpack and a battery pack and schlepped it everywhere. I was 12 years old. At that time, people did not have video. So there I was, this 12-year-old kid, making movies. It was extraordinary. And when I was acting in a movie called Happy Birthday, Wanda June, the director, Mark Robson, turned to me and said, “Steven, can I see some of the stuff you’re filming with the actors? I’d like to see how the rehearsals have been going.”
It was really one of the first “Behind the Scenes” that was ever done. I did it with my own little video camera. I started doing all these interviews and learned how to do stuff with my video camera. It doesn’t make a difference what format you work in—you’ve got to get the experience. In order to be a producer, you’ve got to learn how to direct, you’ve got to learn how to move the camera, you’ve got to learn how to move people around.
So that’s what I did. From the time I was 12 to around age 16, I learned so much just by seeing the camera movement, seeing what was in the background. I began to realize that you need to pay attention to details in the background. What about the lighting? What about the sound? I started doing the same thing with headphones. I edited my own damn films—I was writing, I was producing, I was directing, I was editing, I was doing the special effects. There wasn’t anything I didn’t do. I was becoming a complete and total filmmaker.
And then when I was ready to make my first film, I ran around to all the studios. No one wanted to finance me. They were all sitting around and they all claimed they were going to finance me, but nobody would. I was having meeting after meeting after meeting. And finally, at 18 I was fed up and I realized that I had to make my own damn movie. 23 I set a date and started putting it all together. Before I knew it, I had raised a little money from doctors. One guy gave me $10K. He introduced me to another guy. That guy gave me $5K. Another guy gave me $7K, and before I knew it I had put together $300K, $400K, in cash.
23FOOTNOTE GUY: Hey, Steven, this is good stuff! Don’t tell Lloyd, but I think it’s too bad you’re not writing this book. You have a lot of interesting things to say and I don’t think there's a single fart joke in your entire sidebar so far!
Then I went around to all of the equipment houses and I said you’ve got to give me a little credit. I went around to all the laboratories and said you’ve got to give me a little credit, too. Everybody I spoke to decided to help me because I had nice energy. I was talking to these people and saying, “Listen, you are going to be part of my future movie career.”
Anyhoo, in my efforts to forge ahead in my own producing career, I moved to the opposite end of the spectrum. Not making slam dunks in an X-rated feature? Why not try a children’s classic for the whole family? A G-rated film adventure! And if the English language isn’t working for me, why not try shooting in Hebrew?! And thus I set out to produce Ha Balash Ha’Amitz Shvartz (Big Gus, What’s the Fuss?). Pioneers far ahead of our time, we arranged a $200K co-production between the American and Israeli film industries, wherein each country was responsible for raising $100K. Michael Herz24 and his wife Maris also invested in this soon-to-be abomination.
24Michael Herz, the Jesus-like forgiving soul he is, did fuck up what could have been a productive post–law school life by becoming my partner at Troma Entertainment. His beautiful wife Maris has never forgiven me.
We were told that Israelis see every movie eight times, so we were bound to become their next national phenomenon. There would be two versions in two languages (which meant two negatives of the film). The movie would be shot in English and Hebrew (“Genius!” I thought. “Brilliance personified!”) and have all the hot Israeli stars of the day—heck, Menahem Golan25 was producing! He would raise half of the money with the Israelis and we would raise the other half and together we’d have a mitzvah. 26
25Menahem Golan is an Israeli director/producer who was the pioneer of the pre-sell. (For more information on what the pre-sell is, see Chapter 6. To curb your curiosity and allay your confusion in the meantime: no, I am not referring to the part of the definition that describes what I sometimes do with my body on West 39th Street in order to finance my movies, but to the concept of actually raising production funds by selling a movie before it even exists.) I once spoke to Menahem about producing a movie based on a book Michael and I had optioned called The Yale Murders, and before I knew it, there were full-page advertisements pre-selling The Yale Murders in Variety, even though we hadn’t signed a thing!
26I must be thinking about the mitzvah van outside the Barnes & Noble on 86th Street. I went in there for Channukah and oy, what I saw, what I felt … who knew?
Yet had there been a tag line for Big Ol' Gus, it would have included the words Sheer Fucking Twisted as Your Mother Lunacy. Every bad decision I could possibly make, I made, in full and unabashed earnestness. Andy Lack, my co-producer, kept telling me I was crazy and to back out—he saw the writing on the wall, but I plunged onward, determined and stubborn, even though my guts were puking green goo.
Mr. Shabbat Shalom (Menahem Golan) dropped out for no apparent logical reason. 27 Our half of the money was already safely stowed28 in an Israeli bank. The only fly in the ointment was that there was no money from Israel to match our cash. The Israelis contributed “services” such as film developing and processing, valued at about 50 times what they actually were worth. So we were fucked, or schtupped, as they say in Gaza.
27And for this he did not pass “go.” Nor will he have 72 Virginians in his afterlife.**EDITOR’S NOTE: Wrong religion, Lloyd.****LLOYD’S RESPONSE: You’re right! It’s like the Pope said. There was no holocaust.******EDITOR’S RESPONSE: The Pope did not say that, Lloyd. Please don’t get us in trouble with the Catholic Church. Please.
Andy and I flew across the Atlantic to check up on our baby. As we arrived on the set, where all business was conducted in Hebrew, there was a lot of passion and intense gesticulation among the actors. Oh, I thought to myself, maybe Menahem dropping out wasn’t such a bad thing after all—things seem to be moving along quite nicely. They seem very dedicated to the material, very committed. And then I got closer:
HOT ISRAELI ACTOR (MOISHE): When is the goddamn fucking lunch break?! We have been on this set all day and not done one fucking thing. My ass is tired and these bitches better feed us soon.”
And then, turning to me, Moishe said: “I want more money, Mr. Producer!”
HOT ISRAELI ACTRESS (TOVAH): Shove your worthless piece of driveling shit back up your ass and then when it comes back out again, serve it on a plate to your mother.And then, turning to me, Tovah said: “I want more money, Mr. Producer!”
This nonstop shrieking tower of Hebrew babble went on for what seemed like 42 hours every day. Panicked, I checked up on our money that was oh-so-safely stashed in that Israeli bank account only to find that the checks had been flowing forth to finance29the nightmare unfolding in front of me. Apparently, Andy and I were thought of as the “rich Americans.” For the first time on foreign soil, I thought about blowing my fucking brains out.
29INDEX GYNO: Lloyd, I hope you appreciate how hard FONT GYNO had to work in stressing the right letters for emphasis in this section. She is only part-time, you know, and the publisher hasn’t really been paying her what she’s worth.
Who is Joe Dante?
Joe Dante is a top-drawer producer and director of horror and science fiction films. Some of his most notable works include The Howling, the soon-to-be-released The Hole, and the movies that brought the meaning of “cute” to a whole new level, Gremlins and Gremlins 2: The New Batch. Lloyd still owns them both on laser disc, and pops them in for a back-to-back marathon when he’s feeling gloomy.
As a director, if you find a producer who understands you and vice versa, you would be crazy to lose him/her, because every time you make a movie and put a new budget together there has to be a period of adjustment where you try to figure everybody out. Who’s a phony? Who’s not a phony? Who knows what they are talking about and who doesn’t? You can cut through all that after you’ve made a couple movies by sort of hand-picking people in all the different areas and saying “I like to work with this guy and this guy” and “I don’t particularly like to work with this guy. I don’t want to work with him again.” After you’ve made a couple of pvictures, you’ll find that you have put together this band of regulars in front of the camera and behind the camera who are all on the same wavelength and can even communicate in a nonverbal way. You don’t have to have long arguments about “Why did you do it this way?” or “What if we did it this way?” or “What should the ending be?” It’s very important that it’s a very personal relationship between a producer and a director. You must be on the same side; you can’t have one guy on the studio side and the other one on the creative side. It must be a union.
Back to the Big Fuss
Big Gus, what’s the fuss?! First of all, they were dubbing the lines into English. Even the version shot in the English language itself was so unintelligible, it had to be dubbed from English into English, 30just like Trainspotting. Michael Herz, Andy Lack, Pat, and I dubbed almost all of the voices. In fact, Michael Herz was so good at dubbing that he could have turned it into a career far more lucrative than continuously getting fucked in the ass by Troma for the past 35 years.
30I later went on to repeat this same mistake when shooting The Toxic Avenger II in Japan, wherein the scenes shot with non-English-speaking Japanese actors trying to speak English were so unintelligible they also had to be dubbed from English into English.
The whole mess fuss didn’t really do much for my friendship with our associate producer/fundraiser Andy Lack, who was encouraging me to follow my gut. But I denied it. What had I done? Against my much better judgment, I COMPROMISED. I PRODUCED SOMETHING I DIDN’T BELIEVE IN. And I paid the price.
Big Gus, What’s the Fuss? was released in Israel, but never in the United States. Someone did most certainly make money on it over there, but we never saw one fucking kosher cent. Our “partner,” the lab, ignored us when we wrote to them. The Israeli distri-butor ignored us when we wrote to them. I tried to transfer the negative to New York City, but the Israelis kept it. I never saw or had it in my possession again. If I had had it, Troma could have potentially made money distributing this film during the video boom of the 1980s, as we contractually held all worldwide rights (except for Israel). Video stores back then needed to fill their shelves. You could sell anything that moves—even bowel movements like Big Gus! But without the negative and the ability to make release prints, we were powerless to license the film to distributors.
Actually, somehow, someway, I did, however, eventually manage to get my hands on a 16mm print of the movie. (Where this print has since gone to, I’ve no idea. It probably burned itself in an act of making the world a better place.) We wrote to temple congregations all over the United States to gauge their interest in renting Big Gus. Only one of them took us up on the offer. A rabbi at a synagogue in Cincinnati wrote us back after hosting such a screening:
Dear Lloyd Kaufman and Troma Entertainment:
Your movie, Big Gus, What’s the Fuss? was screened as part of the adult/youth interaction program for our congregation yesterday evening.
This movie is an absolute abomination of which you should be ashamed. No torah-carrying self-respecting Jewish man would ever produce this piece of drek you call art. Give us our money back! I am sorry Hitler didn’t incinerate you!
Regards,
Rabbi A. G.
P.S. What would your mother say if she saw this film?
Leave it to a rabbi to intuit that I have very little self-respect. The Big Gus, “What’s the Mess?” mess, along with Rabbi A.G.’s guilt-trip-inducing letter, can be directly attributed to the origins of my becoming a self-hating Jew and later defiantly marrying a Methodist. I vowed that I would keep control over my negatives at least until the second coming. I learned that if you control the negative of your film, you control the rights to your movie and your movies will always take care of you. 31 Remember this, yet another cautionary tale, when you produce your own damn movie!
31Just like Chino at the Man Hole Club II just outside the Holland Tunnel in Jersey City takes care of me.
 |
| Figure 2.4. |
| To make meaningful films, you need to have meaningful experiences. LK had a powerful experience as the only Jew in Yemen. |
But heck, if Big Gus has been released in the United States and become a sensation, it may have been a sort of modern-day Hannah Montana. However, had Andy Lack not escaped from my madness, he probably would not have gone on to run CBS News, then NBC News, and then SONY Music. As you can see, Andy Lack has been acronymically32 at the apex of his game in a long career. Andy Lack certainly does not lack (except for having to remember a nightmare production known as Big Gus What’s the Fuss?).
32FOOTNOTE GUY: Hey, Lloyd, what do you think of my word? I stuck it in when no one was looking.**INDEX GYNO: Hey, idiot, NBC and CBS are acronyms, but SONY is not!
First Oliver Stone, then Andy Lack. At least the Kaufman Curse is not contagious. There is only one target of its wrath and that target’s name is moi! Everything does indeed happen for a reason, even if you can’t always see it right away. 33
33I can’t help myself. I like Marianne Williamson. I’m also kind of getting into Deepak Chopra now. He’s good, he really knows his stuff.
The irony in all of this? The day after the movie was set for release in Israel, the Seven-Day War broke out. The theatre screening Big Gus closed down and all filmgoing in Israel came to a halt. While bombs were going off outside the cinema, the mother of all bombs was being projected inside the theatre.
In the spirit of that twist of fate or act of God, here is my first set of rules for producing your own damn movie:
1. Don’t forget that when you’re hard up for cash to make your movie, anyone is an approachable ATM.
2. What is it that makes your movie so damn special? It doesn’t have to be X-rated like Sugar Cookies, but it has to have something compelling that makes it really unique and specific to you, the producer—not to mention the audience.
4. Trust your gut. If something nags at you, listen to it. 34
34Particularly if she is your wife or significant other.****And by significant other I mean your gay lover who lives on West 27th Street, Apt. 4G, double green awnings, south side of the street, between 10th and 11th Avenues.******FOOTNOTE GUY: Footnotes within footnotes? Have I told you that this is very innovative and edgy? This is why I love you, Lloyd!
5. Producing films in Israel can be ass, unless you have a good local producer.
6. As with Oliver Stone and Andy Lack and Steven Paul, remember who you meet in this world and who you work with, as you never know where they are going or where they’ll end up. Always do your best to honor your professional relationships. 35
7. Everything happens for a reason. (Reader, I encourage you to think about The. Power. Of. Now. 36)
36EDITOR’S NOTE: Lloyd, we finally have something in common! I love Eckhart Tolle, too! Every time he’s on Oprah, I DVR it. And then I watch it on replay again and again!****INDEX GYNO: An Eckhart Tolle reference? Sweet! I’m not sure how to index it, but I’ll figure something out. I’m starting to like you, Mr. Kaufman.
8. Alliteration is Also Ass.
9. Finally, forget what I said earlier about not listening to top ten lists. This top nine list is awesome!
Once upon a time a man lived through all of this. And he still. Wanted. MORE.
Who is Mick Garris?
Mick Garris is a producer, filmmaker, and screenwriter known for his adaptations of Stephen King stories. He is also the mastermind creator behind Showtime’s Masters of Horror.
Whenever I’ve had a bad experience with producers, it’s because they just want to save money, or they just want to pull the plug, or they just want to swing their dicks and show you how powerful they are. A good producer loves movies, loves what he’s doing, and helps you do what you’re doing. A bad producer is a guy who’s just in it to get chicks, to make money, and has no respect for the movie being made. A bad producer counts pennies rather than help you figure out how to save the money—for example, finding a way to collapse a few scenes into one location because you’re there for a day and then you’re out. Not all producers are creative producers and that’s fine, but they should be your partner, not your enemy.
Believe in what you are doing, but realize that if you’re going to take a stand, you may lose. I’m very proud of the first two years of my baby, Masters of Horror, but it was adopted and abused in its third year and I didn’t want to be a part of that. I understand why it had to change, but I didn’t feel that I needed to be involved in it. I’ve been in the business for a while now, so that’s easier to say. If it were my first show, I’d eat shit, I would take it. But I’m at the point now, thankfully, where I don’t have to eat shit all the time—though occasionally I still have to chew on a turd or two.
A good producer is a confidante, a cheerleader, someone who doesn’t say “no,” but rather, “What about if we did this or this?” Again, a good producer acts as my partner and not my teacher or my boss. He or she helps me find a way to do the things I need to do to make a great movie. For instance, maybe it’s not in the budget to have a crane or Steadicam everyday, but a good producer will come up with a way to help me do it. A good producer is as committed to the film as I am. We all share the same vision, enthusiasm, and excitement.