Read this chapter if your child tested Rose Bush, Box-Rose, Palm-Rose, Pine-Rose, or Contra-Pine. These trees are all in the Rose Bush family. Also read chapter 9 if your child is not a “pure” Rose Bush.
In this chapter:
When looking for a tree type to represent this temperament, I searched for a tree that was strong in nature—prickly but productive. A prickly pear cactus initially came to mind, probably because people with this temperament can be aggressive, hot tempered, or insensitive. There are, however, so many wonderful, positive traits in people with this nature who have been “pruned” correctly. Roses are such exceptional flowers that they provided a better analogy for the extraordinary productivity and potential of this temperament type.
Rose bushes require aggressive pruning, but they’re tough. Without attention they’ll survive, but they’ll produce more thorns and fewer flowers. Even if you don’t breathe down their necks, Rose Bushes will drive themselves to do their work.
The possibility of fame and success is a special package given to Rose Bush babies at birth. Rose Bushes have the ability to rise above the rest thanks to their strong drive and competitiveness, which is simply ingrained in their nature. Unfortunately, roses also have thorns (except when the thorns are deliberately bred out of them), which makes them challenging saplings to shape. They should not be tackled with bare hands.
Roses are red, and they tend to draw blood … especially in the early years!
When Kevin was only a year old, his mother had to keep a constant eye on the rearview mirror because the little rascal could unbuckle his car-seat restraint. Many months before the dreaded second birthday, Kevin threw unreserved tantrums at the sight of a hairbrush, a toothbrush, a clean diaper, shampoo, vegetables, a closed door, or another child near one of his toys. It was easier to straighten a banana than to strap him into his car seat.
By the time Kevin was three (going on ten), he all but forbade his parents from touching him. He dressed himself, brushed his own teeth, applied his own sunscreen, locked and unlocked all doors, and—to the frustration of his control-freak mother—made his own sandwiches. When he turned four, Kevin acted up in a restaurant by throwing his knife and fork to the floor because they didn’t have pictures of his favorite cartoon characters on them.
To get through Kevin’s childhood with their mental health intact, his parents followed the general strategy of picking their battles. They averted conflict by giving in, begging, and leaving as many decisions as possible up to him.
Unfortunately, Kevin turned into a little tyrant, and fewer and fewer people came to visit. He was too bossy for some of the other kids’ liking, and he played with such vigor that he hurt a few of his friends. Three sets of parents told his parents they would never visit with their children again.
When his younger brother, Josh, was born, Kevin stepped into the parenting role and directed his brother’s life. Kevin told Josh how many forkfuls of beans he had to eat before he could leave the table. When Kevin felt Josh was moving or processing too slowly, he spurred Josh on in a strict teacher voice. Kevin competed to win in everything without making allowance for his brother’s smaller size or undeveloped skills. Who could throw the ball farther and kick it higher? Always Kevin!
It was clear that Kevin thought, The world will be a much better place if everyone would just accept, once and for all, that I am the boss. I will not stop until everyone agrees to this state of affairs. I think we’re almost there—just one or two more loooong screams … just a few louder protests. I have my dad in my pocket and, of course, Grandpa and Grandma too. I am still working on Mom, though. She’s tough, like me!
As Kevin grows, his parents will find that he can be like a hand grenade from which the pin has already been pulled—especially during his teen years. But they’ll also be amazed by everything Kevin can accomplish on his own. He will probably excel as a leader and actively participate in debates and other student affairs. He will go after all that life has to offer. He may clash with the people around him because he wants to be in control of everything and everyone, but he will think big and realize his own dreams. His persistence will make him a winner.
People will likely say many of these things about Kevin someday:
In your child’s Tall Trees Kids Profile Report, these tailor-made needs will be among those listed as the Rose Bush’s “Fertilizer.”
1. Lots of playtime and exercise: Like Palm Trees, Rose Bushes have lots of energy. They simply shouldn’t be inactive and cooped up indoors. If they don’t get rid of the heaps of energy, they’ll convert it into aggression. An exhausted Rose Bush toddler is less likely to fight you at bath time. When we discovered that little trick, we scheduled “aerobics classes” at five in the afternoon.
Rose Bushes don’t want to just run and climb—they want to be able to scream loudly, throw things, kick, hit, tug, and push. If we don’t facilitate appropriate forms of these activities for them, they’ll get creative in troubling ways. Rose Bush teenagers who don’t participate in sports or exercise are, without exception, negative and moody. They feel exhilarated if they can push themselves to the limit. Encourage them to participate in sports or at least to go out on their skateboards or mountain bikes or to take a walk.
2. Chances to practice new skills: We tend to overprotect Rose Bushes because their daring nature makes us anxious. They always want to go faster, higher, and farther. Consequently, we make the mistake of standing between them and their stunts. We should rather choose safe places and suitable times for them to test their abilities. Get into the swimming pool with your two-year-old to save him from drowning when he tries to prove that he can swim. Don’t simply refuse because you know he can’t swim. He needs the opportunity to try. Enroll him in swim lessons.
3. A set of fixed boundaries: Rose Bushes would much rather set their own boundaries than accept ours and will constantly try to shift those boundaries. Make the boundaries that you decide are important very clear! Boundaries help Rose Bushes with self-control because they define which areas of control belong to them and which areas belong to the parents. They can rule their country when they have the map of the borders.
4. Regular and consistent correction: Some parents tend to avoid confrontation with Rose Bushes because it can get so explosive, but we won’t be doing anyone a favor if we overlook things that are indeed unacceptable. The sooner we start, the sooner we will be finished with the intensely confrontational part of their discipline! Parents who say they’ve raised a Rose Bush without things ever getting a little ugly are parents who have likely been trained by their Rose Bush children to play the game their way. Rose Bushes, more than any other tree type, must learn to face the consequences of their choices every time. They will likely continue challenging their parents if they get away with a serious offense even once.
5. Reasons for instructions and punishment: Rose Bushes are goal oriented, rational, and logical. They want to understand (they need to understand) why they are expected to do something before they are willing to cooperate. If they can see reason, they gladly do what is needed, but it’s very hard for them to obey just because we told them to.
When your Rose Bush shows her thorns, it may help to ask, “Do you know why I want you to do it?” 9 What seems logical to you might not necessarily be obvious to her! Once Rose Bushes understand your point of view, they may suggest a different way of accomplishing your objective. Allow for this, as long as the outcome is the same.
6. Praise for good decisions and choices: Rose Bushes are naturally good at decision making, problem solving, and choosing. Encourage these talents by letting your Rose Bush solve problems, then providing feedback on how she did. Be specific: “You decided to put on your jacket this morning, even if you don’t always like wearing it. It was a smart idea, because it was a cold day. You made a good decision.” Or after controlling her anger over not being given permission to go on a high school camping trip: “You chose not to manipulate me for a yes. That was wise, because I am more likely to say yes to a person who understands the difference between rights and privileges.”
7. An example of fair and respectful leadership: Rose Bushes will be leaders. Some will be good ones, others bad ones, but one thing is certain—they will lead. It’s in their nature. Someone will always follow them. Unfortunately, many Rose Bush leaders are harsh. We should therefore expose our young Rose Bushes to strong but sensitive people so we can teach them that one can be a “boss” without being a villain! The best example, of course, should be our own.
8. Opportunities to lead and control: Allow them to be in charge of appropriate responsibilities from an early age. This preparation for future leadership is important, even if you present it as a game. If one has a house full of children (three or more), the Rose Bush can get a chance to be sheriff. Everyone with complaints takes their problems or requests to the sheriff first, and only when he is stumped may Mom and Dad’s help be called in. This gives him good practice in problem solving and handling conflicts.
The most important aim of Rose Bushes is to be in control. Their second most important aim is to be more grown up than they really are. This is the reason why we frequently lock horns with them. But you can support their budding maturity. For example, put your Rose Bush in charge of the remote control for the DVD player. Make her responsible for answering the phone when you can’t. Allow her to check the clock for dinnertime, call siblings when the food is ready, turn the stove burners on or off (under your supervision, of course!), blow out the candles after dinner, and switch on the dishwasher.
9. Responsibilities: The other tree types might not enjoy chores as much, but Rose Bushes feel a sense of self-worth, pride, and maturity when they have responsibilities. Each chore becomes an opportunity for them to prove themselves. Therefore, they should be given chores in and around the house from an early age.
Here is a starter list of appropriate chores:
10. To be challenged physically, intellectually, and socially: Rose Bushes have to run races, be quizzed, compete with older children, and be tested in several other ways. The young ones may become destructive or aggressive (breaking toys or playing rough), and the older kids tend to become oppositional unless they have the chance to give their best every now and then.
Let them set a record for getting dressed or cleaning up the fastest, mowing the lawn, setting the table, or being the first to try a new exotic dish from mom. Keep charts and take pictures. Reward them when they break a previous best. A social challenge can be something like, “Your cousins are coming to visit today. Let’s see if you can play in such a way that none of them complains that you were mean.”
11. To make choices: Choices are synonymous with control, responsibility, and decision making. Rose Bushes hate feeling they don’t have a choice. This makes them unnecessarily rebellious. Sometimes we simply have to rephrase our instructions so that the Rose Bushes think that they are exercising their own free will, because this will diminish the conflict considerably. All children feel more capable when given the opportunity to make real decisions.
When four-and-a-half-year-old Rose Bush Katelyn refused to pick up her toys, her mom stated her expectations as a choice: “Katelyn, you can either have a bath first and then pick up your toys, or pick up your toys and then take a bath. Which one would you like to do first?” This proud moment of remembering that a Rose Bush child needs more choices went up in flames when Katelyn answered, “No! I don’t want any of those choices. I want to play outside!” Mom, taken aback by this, turned around to see her Palm Tree teenager laughing hysterically at her failed attempt because “it soooo backfired!”
Disobedience, however, is never an option! Mom might have said, “I’m sorry you don’t like those choices, but that’s what’s available right now. Do you want to decide, or should I?” At bedtime you can say, “It’s time to go to bed. You can choose which story you would like to hear.” When the battle about clothes looms on the horizon, you might say, “You need to wear a jacket. Which one do you pick?”
12. To prove themselves reliable: Freedom and space for trial and error are important to Rose Bushes because they can measure how grown up they are against these. When they realize we trust them with more time, money, and choices as they prove to be reliable, they often amaze us with behavior that is surprising for their age.
If you have a Rose Bush, I strongly recommend putting this note on the fridge:
Give your Rose Bush a chance today to
make a choice
make a decision
solve a problem
give an opinion
lead someone
complete a task independently
prove his [or her] reliability and
take on a challenge.
It should be clear by now that Rose Bushes don’t like us to hold their hands the whole time! The most successful approach with them works almost like a yo-yo—we say what we want quickly, then release the little ones to try without our supervision. If it doesn’t work out so well, we tug gently at the string so we can explain again, then we let go again … every time a bit more.
Our Rose Bushes need to learn:
1. To accept no as an answer and not to manipulate: Parents of Rose Bushes know only too well how this little word can open the floodgates of fury. Rose Bushes hate being denied their wishes. It has the same effect on them that a red flag has on a bull. They pull out all the stops: scream, fall down, kick, hit, bite, insult, threaten, or throw things. This type of behavior is their style of manipulation.
Explain in simple terms to your child what the word manipulation means. Under no circumstances should you give in to manipulative behavior, even if the behavior is no more than a moaning voice, droopy shoulders, and a sigh or eye rolling. Even these subtler manipulation techniques should be pointed out, rejected, and stopped by ensuring that they never succeed.
Always explain to your child an effective alternative behavior. For example, you could say, “If you talk to me in your friendly voice, I will listen, but if you are rude, the answer will automatically be no.”
2. To differentiate between their domain and that of their parents: Rose Bushes need to wield their scepter somewhere, but parents have the mandate to decide where their kingdom starts and ends. We can use the power struggle for control at the dinner table as an example. Dr. James Dobson warns that parents should choose the fights at the dinner table carefully because we don’t often win them. 10
Imagine a Rose Bush popping into the kitchen before dinner and announcing, “This is not nice food. I hate beans, and I hate that brown sauce with the chicken.” In response to this we should say firmly, “I decide what food to prepare. I choose food that will help you grow. That is my job. You eat healthy food so I know when I can give you snacks that are less healthy. That’s your job.”
Another example would be, “I have to see to it that you are dressed warmly so that you don’t catch a cold. That is why I am making you wear a jacket. That is my job. I am going to do my job because I want to be a good mommy. You have five jackets to choose from. That is your job.”
3. To lose with dignity and win with modesty: This is a difficult one! Rose Bushes have thrown many a board game to the floor the moment they aren’t leading anymore, or assaulted a teammate for making a mistake on the sports field. They can keep on defending themselves insistently, claiming it was unfair that they lost and that the game didn’t really count. Of course, when they win, they can be just as insistent in rubbing salt in the wounds of the losers. Have a chat beforehand about good sportsmanship. “Can you remember what you like to do when you win? You stick out your tongue at the loser. What can you do to show your happiness without making the loser feel bad?” or “Today you are going to be in a race with that fast boy again. Last week you tripped him as he wanted to pull ahead of you, and you screamed. What will you do today if someone outruns you?”
Expose your Rose Bushes to frequent competition, and sometimes manipulate the outcome by pitting them against stronger competitors so they don’t win every time.
4. To be a team player and cooperate under someone else’s leadership: This is one of the most difficult challenges Rose Bushes will have—it is not in their nature to be followers. I believe the best place to learn this is in the family environment. Mom and Dad are the leaders who need to be followed, and siblings are the team members. Strong foundations are built by expecting Rose Bushes to treat parents with respect and obedience, and siblings with love and fairness.
Rose Bushes may need to be supervised in social situations and stopped when they become too domineering. We can’t allow them to develop a circle of willing subjects who will grant their every wish. A relative once told me that their Rose Bush daughter never walked at the preschool. She had “servants” who carried her between the gate and the classroom and to the playground and back. The princess did not take her dethroning lying down (except for the part where she threw a tantrum on the school grounds).
5. To appreciate privileges: Rose Bushes can act like royalty, as seen in the example above—expecting respect, service, loyalty, subservience, obedience, compliance, and cooperation from everyone around them. They tend to take for granted that their laundry is washed and put back in their closets or their food lands on their plates three times a day according to their tastes. If parents tolerate this attitude in young Rose Bushes, it develops into full-blown entitlement when they are adults. We do their future spouses and social circles a favor when we constantly cultivate appreciation in them.
One of the best antidotes for becoming spoiled is exposure to underprivileged children. It is easy to arrange this. Call your church office and ask for the phone number of your social worker or the leaders of a charity project. Ask how you and your children, and even some friends and their parents, can get involved.
6. To express emotion appropriately: Empower your Rose Bushes by nurturing their emotional intelligence. Explain to them what emotions are—feelings inside that we can release or “let out” in different ways. We can release them in right or wrong ways with facial expressions, actions, and words. Other people get hurt when we vent emotions in the wrong way. We feel better, however, and we’re less likely to hurt people’s feelings when we emote in the right way.
We can also use our emotions constructively. Emotions are like battery power. They can urge us on. They can also be like wild horses, but once we harness them correctly, they can take us all the way to our goals!
Emotional intelligence can help prevent tantrums when possible. The idea is to help our Rose Bushes avoid getting angry of their own accord so they can learn self-control strategies. When they realize that they do not have to react in anger, they experience a feeling of control over their emotions—something that will improve their self-image.
7. To relieve aggression in acceptable ways: The thorns of a Rose Bush are sharp, and we often get pricked by them. They can have such vicious explosions that we feel we need to punish them. But often punishment only makes matters worse. Each tantrum is, however, an opportunity to improve a Rose Bush’s self-control.
Before we can address anger management, we have to realize that many tantrums can be prevented if we understand what triggers our specific child. For example, when we give our child who often has a meltdown in the mall something to eat in the car before a shopping trip, his blood-sugar levels will be normal when we walk past the candy shelf. With a child who easily becomes overwhelmed, we may need to go home as soon as we see the first sign that the toddler is becoming overstimulated by all the friends and noisy play at the park. If you have a child with sensory-processing challenges, let her put on comfortable clothes before you undertake a long journey by car.
Deal with every temper tantrum, even though it would be so much easier to ignore them. I do not subscribe to the notion that ignored misbehavior will magically dissipate. Children need learned skills and do-overs to replace inappropriate habits. First acknowledge and validate the anger (“I see you are frustrated because your sister has all the toys”), and then deal with the behavior, because a Rose Bush will stop his unacceptable behavior quicker if he can see that you understand his feelings.
Then tell him exactly which part of the behavior is unacceptable. “But you know you are not allowed to bite” or “You are not allowed to slam doors.”
If the situation is totally out of control and the child is incapable of listening to you or stopping his behavior at this point, physically intervene and remove the child from the situation. Of course, this applies only to children under the age of ten. Older children should be able to step away of their own accord and cool down without our physical involvement. Once everyone has calmed down, you can talk about it. Your child should first apologize to whomever was affected by his outburst. End the conversation with a constructive plan for similar situations in the future.
Prepare your child when an explosive situation is imminent. When you realize that your child is about to face a situation in which he would usually explode, warn him so that he has a chance to prepare himself mentally and show you, and himself, that he doesn’t have to lose control.
If a child is continuously aggressive, attempt to find out why. Aggression is often a Rose Bush’s reaction to a situation that makes her feel out of control or the reaction to someone’s aggression toward her. For example, if a child who is brought up too strictly is not allowed to make any choices or to make any decisions, she will undoubtedly be aggressive. Sometimes this is her clumsy way of dealing with unfulfilled needs.
All too often, aggression stems from a fight-or-flight response rooted in sensory-processing issues. Our child has become overstimulated by other kids, tight clothing, difficult tasks, heat—even processed food!—and has had meltdowns of the Rose Bush variety! An assessment by an occupational therapist is the best starting point. Therapy and techniques you can use at home to help your child manage sensory overload can go a long way to lessen outbursts.
The best way to get rid of aggression is to spend it before the child becomes out of control. There are many games and quick, simple actions to help a little Rose Bush with this. Turn these ideas into a competition, or dare her to do it the loudest, fastest, highest, or longest she can:
A man who does not know how to be angry does not know how to be good.
Henry Ward Beecher
Our own aggression has a huge impact on our children. They initially learn ways of dealing with emotions from us. Many Rose Bush parents complain about their children’s outbursts but excuse their own explosions by calling them the result of “a short fuse” or “stress.”
Anger must be confessed as sin if it has hurt other people. We want our children to take ownership of their emotions, and we have to set an example in this by apologizing to the Lord and our family when we have had an outburst: “I am sorry that I have just exploded at the table. Please forgive me. I should have gone to my room to cool off. It is not your fault that I am angry.”
Don’t keep your anger behind closed doors. My mother-in-law referred to it as “bedroom boardroom”—that intense, hushed conversation between parents late at night in their room when they think the children are asleep. We can teach our children a lot about anger management if we resolve some of our differences in front of them without outbursts or physical violence.
We would be wise to identify our own triggers and have a plan in place to deal with our emotions in a better way, preferably by being accountable to someone who can monitor whether we are handling our anger constructively. 11
When children push your buttons, you react from your reptilian brain, and reptiles eat their young!
Dr. Jane Nelsen, Positive Time-Out
Make it a house rule that nobody needs to listen to shouting. When someone gets hysterical or insulting, the other person may walk away. The table and car are fight-free zones for the sake of digestion and road safety.
If it seems like the aggression gets worse or doesn’t improve at all, even if you make an effort to handle it as suggested above, call in the help of a professional. I believe play therapists can be the best choice when a young child needs help with aggression. They are qualified to accompany you as parents, and your child, through this phase.
Our Rose Bushes learn best:
How does God speak to Rose Bushes?
When the Lord reveals Himself to Rose Bushes, He shows them His glorious strength and the magnificence of His being. The apostle Paul was an obvious Rose Bush. With Paul, it was necessary to bring him to a complete standstill and strike him with blindness because nothing less would have made him abandon his obstinate mission to kill Christians (Acts 9:1–9).
Rose Bushes are given difficult assignments that might overwhelm the other tree types because Rose Bushes often influence many other people through their actions (Acts 9:15–16).
The Lord scolds and confronts them when necessary (Acts 9:4–5).
The Lord encourages them and reassures them that He will give them strength (Acts 18:9).
He gives them challenges and doesn’t shy away from telling them how difficult the tasks will be (Acts 9:15).
How should we talk to our Rose Bushes?
It is always a great mistake to command when you are not sure you will be obeyed.
Honoré Gabriel de Riqueti, comte de Mirabeau, Memoires of Mirabeau
Keep the following principles in mind to ensure your Rose Bush hears you:
Be sure of yourself—they are looking for a sign of doubt in your words! The typical advice that we should stoop to the child’s level when we talk does not apply to a Rose Bush unless you want to have a bit of quality time. In discipline, you would be wise not to do it. They may have been waiting for the moment and an opportunity to put their teeth in your jugular. I exaggerate, but I’ve seen the look in many Rose Bushes’ eyes: “If my mom keeps up with that voice and that face, I’m going to lose it. I’m going to eat her alive!”
Remember to add one good reason for the instructions you give. Rose Bushes don’t obey an instruction because you say so, but because it makes sense to them. When she asks “Why?” questions in turn, don’t take them as an assault on your authority. Give her the benefit of the doubt. She’s probably looking for a reason to cooperate with you.
If the Rose Bush doesn’t listen and you feel like screaming, go to her, take her face in your hands (unless she dislikes this sort of touch), and say softly but firmly what you expect. Moving closer says “Yes, I’m talking to you” much more eloquently than an increase of ten decibels.
If you are very angry, say so to prevent your Rose Bush from unwittingly setting off a land mine. Instead of shouting, say something like, “My blood is boiling,” or use a gesture, such as pointing to the wet towel on the floor and frowning.
Be direct, unequivocal, and brief. This means that you shouldn’t ask for cooperation, but rather insist on it calmly and kindly. Long-winded instructions irritate Rose Bushes. They turn each point into a negotiation.
Keep it impersonal and unemotional. This is especially important when your Rose Bush is being rude.
Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.
Mother Teresa
Try, as much as possible, to use positive words when giving your instructions: “Let’s see if you can put away all those blocks in the right place without help. I will time how quickly you can do it.” This works a lot better than threats, such as, “I am coming back in five minutes, and you’ll be sorry if I find one block out of place!”
When your child starts understanding more reason—at about six years of age—you can start exchanging many directives with conversations. Before announcing a rigid rule (“Your bike has to be locked to the pipe outside the kitchen every afternoon by five o’clock or you’ll lose your bike-riding privileges”), show your Rose Bush that you respect his abilities by taking his perspective into account. State the problem: “Two bikes have already been stolen from the front yard this year. We cannot afford a repeat of that.” Ask him to suggest a solution: “How can you make sure that it never happens again?” Give him a chance to suggest a few ideas. Ask questions if the solutions are not satisfactory: “How will you remember that every day? What time do you think will be best for this? Which privileges do you think it would be fair to lose if you don’t look after your bike in this way? What will we do if it doesn’t work and your bike is stolen?”
Also make a positive assumption that your child will be obedient by using the word when instead of if. For example, “When your homework is finished, you may go and watch that movie you’ve been dying to see.” Don’t attack or confront your child if you can help it because this provokes arguments and excuses and doesn’t encourage obedience. For more on this, see “Let’s Get Practical” at the end of this chapter.
In summary:
How can we listen to our Rose Bushes better?
Allow your older Rose Bush a fair chance to state her case. You may make a strict rule that she has to speak in a friendly manner without accusations or insults.
Make sure you understand her correctly by repeating the words you have heard. For example, “It sounds to me as if you’re saying we were stricter with you about your bedtime than we are with your sister, and you feel it is unfair. You want us to make up for this by being stricter with your sister and more lenient with you. Is that what you are saying?” After this, you can accept her suggestions or explain why you won’t.
Listen for indications that they are ready for more responsibility. “I hate it when you tell me to go to bed” could mean “I think I am old enough to go to bed at eight without being told.”
A Rose Bush can come across as being blunt and tactless, and you are welcome to correct this. If you take each remark personally, those thorns are going to draw more blood than is necessary. She most likely doesn’t mean to be as rude as she sounds.
Listen carefully, because Rose Bushes hope you won’t see through their manipulation tactics. Look out for their ability to play on your feelings of guilt.
Even when their request is completely unreasonable, you could respond in many ways besides just saying no and triggering them in the process:
Each tree type has its own pruning and watering needs. These approaches work the best with Rose Bushes:
1. Loss of or increase in physical freedom. Rose Bushes hate feeling cooped up, and they blossom when they have freedom and options. We can use this effectively in their discipline. Rose Bushes who lose control completely can literally be held, or at least placed in a confined space, until they have calmed down. With the very little ones, you can simply hold the disobedient hand, foot, or arm for a few moments while explaining that you will have to control it until they are able to control it themselves.
Rose Bushes who, for example, don’t come when they are called can be required to hold their mom’s hand everywhere they go. If they listen and obey, however, they may walk alone—a big reward of freedom! With the school-age Rose Bush, use a phrase like, “You must be home within thirty minutes after school to have a snack and start with your homework. You can get home in time by yourself, or I can pick you up at the gate every day like I did last year.” This is a way of saying, “If you want more freedom, you have to earn it and use it wisely.”
If your Rose Bushes behave the way you expect them to, reward them with more physical freedom. This means, for example, that they may go somewhere alone, provided it is safe, that they may stay out later, or that they may walk through a store on their own and meet at the checkout later.
2. Raised or lowered status: Rose Bushes want to feel grown up and important and to be treated that way. Their status inside and outside the house is important to them. Their position in the family and their correlating rights—for example, bedtimes and the amount of allowance they receive—are equally important. Rose Bushes see being allowed to stay up later as a higher status, and this is usually a worthwhile reward for them. Use status as an incentive in this way: “When you have learned not to throw a tantrum when it is time to stop watching television, we will put you in charge of the remote control for the TV.” This is, of course, the second-highest position in some households, next to being the keeper of the Wi-Fi password!
3. Loss of or increase in choices: When we clash with our Rose Bushes, it’s usually because they don’t like our decisions and would prefer to make their own choices. We can effectively motivate them by increasing their choices when they show the capacity to be responsible for more.
When Rose Bushes try to enforce their wills in unacceptable ways (such as manipulation), their choices should be decreased: “If you can’t get into the car without fussing, I will decide where you sit, and I will fasten your seat belt.” “If you lie on the floor when you have to get dressed, you will have to wear the clothes I pick.”
4. A spanking (where legal and in line with your convictions; see the addendum at the end of this book): I can already hear the protest from Rose Bushes’ parents: “We tried spanking—it doesn’t work!” This only means the Rose Bush won the bluffing game. I’m prepared to bet that your Rose Bush gave you at least one of the following reactions to a spanking in an attempt to dissuade you from ever using it as a means of discipline again:
Never get into the ring with your Rose Bush. If he uses the behavior described above to challenge you, don’t take the bait! These behaviors are all rooted in your Rose Bush child’s determination to win. The aggression is not caused by the spanking as such, but by the fact that Rose Bushes feel a need to get even. To their minds, you scored a point. They want to go for the best out of three, then the best out of five, and so on. Consider acknowledging this: “You acting this way after a spanking tells me you think this is a fight that I am trying to win. You want to fight back. It is not a fight. It is me helping you learn that wrong choices lead to pain. You disobeyed. I punished you. It is over.”
If the behavior for which the child was punished in the first place is followed by more bad behavior, restrain yourself and say calmly, “It’s a shame that you have done something else that deserves another punishment. That was a bad choice. You know I cannot allow you to do that.” Then give a second consequence.
We can cry about our children for a short while or for a long time—it all depends on our willingness to discipline them properly when they are still young!
Author unknown
5. Logical consequences: Because Rose Bushes are logical and rational, it confuses them when we give arbitrary or random punishments and rewards. If you announce they can’t watch television when they forget to put their clothes in the laundry basket, they’ll feel unfairly treated. Be careful to choose the punishments and rewards sensibly, and make expectations and consequences clear in advance. If we don’t do this, we can expect them to see our discipline as irrational, ill conceived, or even spiteful, and they won’t learn much from it.
It is sensible to take away television privileges when children don’t obey rules regarding time management or the sequence of work and pleasure. For example, if they play outside before their homework is done, they will naturally have to do their homework in the time they would normally watch television.
Rose Bushes also respond well to punishments they devise themselves. We can involve them in compiling the rules and determining the punishments for breaking them. I’ve often heard Rose Bushes come up with weightier consequences than I would have chosen. They are tough, and if a punishment is too light, they will assume you don’t mean business.
6. Competitions, challenges, and records: Winning, or at least doing better than someone else, is so important to a Rose Bush that we can use this incentive in our discipline. Gold stars or stickers placed on a chart work well when an element of competition is added between the Rose Bush and her siblings who also enjoy competition (most likely those with Palm or Rose in their personality), or when faced with the challenge of reaching the target within a set limit of attempts or time.
Better yet, let your Rose Bush compete against herself. Keep a written record to show how swiftly your Rose Bush is ready for school after getting up. Every time she tops her own record, she gets a point. When she has scored five points, extend her bedtime by fifteen or thirty minutes. If she starts being late for school again (usually because of fights about clothes, hair, or breakfast), the whole process starts over with her original bedtime. Friends of ours have a daughter who is a brilliant swimmer. She quickly rose to the top in her swimming club, and her dad took her to practice with a college team that had a few Olympic candidates. He thought the tough competition would motivate her. After the first practice, he eagerly asked if there was any competition for her there. She gave the ultimate Rose Bush answer: “Not in my lane, Dad.”
7. Money: Rose Bushes react well to financial rewards because they like to cooperate when doing so has direct advantages for them.
The allowance of any child should at least be partly linked to his responsibilities in and around the house. It should be a matter of principle that money is not based on age but has to be earned. Children should also have a few chores for which they are not paid any money. They may be afforded opportunities to earn extra money, within limits, if the parents can afford it.
Be mindful of manipulation with money. Once you have determined a price, it should not be open to negotiation. If you’re prepared to pay three dollars for cleaning the swimming pool, your child may decide that it’s not worth it, and you’ll find yourself doing the job. As parents, though, we have the right to demand that they do it, then give them three dollars as a token of appreciation. A child is allowed to refuse the money but not the responsibility! If the job is theirs and you usually pay them, they owe you money when they neglect that chore and leave you to do it.
Also be careful about things a Rose Bush might try to get you to pay for. One Rose Bush’s mother told me once that her son was always willing to eat all his food for fifty cents, but one day when they were having dinner with people his mother was trying to impress, he saw an opportunity to increase his price. He wouldn’t touch his food before his mother agreed to pay two dollars. This is a good example of how money should not be used! Eating one’s food is not a job and therefore doesn’t deserve pay.
Never try to buy obedience. Obedience is the least that we may demand from our children. If we subtracted a dollar from their allowance every time they disobeyed, we would be putting a very low price on obedience!
Make sensible plans about what you want to reward financially, and which losses of income your Rose Bushes can expect when they break the house rules. Use real life as a barometer. Nobody gets paid for arriving at work on time, but people do get a raise when they do more than is expected. Make it clear, reach a consensus beforehand, then stick to the agreement.
8. The broken-record technique: This technique works well with Rose Bushes and Palm Trees who protest, argue, or negotiate endlessly. It takes away the negotiation table at which they want to keep you. It is at odds, however, with the idea of making just one request and then meting out punishment for not obeying. Therefore, this technique is better suited to parents who refuse to spank or punish and are looking for an alternative. Instead of reacting to defiance or manipulative behavior, you repeat the instruction word for word, like a broken record, without even changing your tone of voice or facial expression. Repeat the instruction as many times as necessary, but don’t say anything else or react to anything else your Rose Bush is doing to sidetrack you! The message sent by this technique is that nothing is going to change, no matter the argument. The conversation may follow this pattern:
Dad: “Son, please pack away the toys. It’s time for bed.”
Child: “But I like to build towers on my bed, and I still want to build them.”
Dad: “It’s time for bed.”
Child: “I said I don’t feel like it now.”
Dad: “It’s time for bed.”
Child: “It will take too long!”
Dad: “It’s time for bed.”
Child: “Okay, but I’m very angry with you now!”
Dad: (silence—clever dad doesn’t take the bait)
We have already discussed in detail the firm hand needed for Rose Bushes. They prick us with those vicious thorns when we prune them, and they resist all our attempts at shaping them because they are so willful and determined. However, eventually we will be rewarded with beautiful roses—once those buds on the thorny branches open!
We should start by not biting off more than we can chew. We will have to choose the disciplinary targets for our Rose Bushes carefully to ensure we can stay in the battle until the very end. We also have to make sure we have a rich source of positive motivators to give our Rose Bushes so we not only prune but also water, because especially toddlers can become oppositional when we seem to clamp down on them without noticing their good side. Parenting becomes negative when we think that punishment corrects all behavior. Rose Bushes like punishing their parents, and our first instinct is to punish them right back. However, they need a crook as well as a stick. Shepherds use a stick to lightly whip their sheep to avert them from danger, but they also use a crook to hook them and direct them back onto the right road.
The following plan to change behavior can be used effectively with Rose Bushes. Begin by making three lists in the following table of things you want to work on.
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To Do Less |
To Do More Often |
Doing Great! |
What does my Rose Bush do too often or incorrectly?
You may write: She goes where she wants without asking, shouts at me, tosses or breaks things, throws tantrums in shopping centers or other public places, says no every time I give her an instruction, questions everything I say, and treats me without any gratitude or respect.
What does my Rose Bush do too infrequently or not at all?
Your list may include the following: He doesn’t say please or thank you, doesn’t answer when I instruct him to do something, refuses to get dressed, and doesn’t clean up his toys at night.
What does my Rose Bush do right or often enough?
You may observe: She remembers to brush her teeth at night, faithfully waters the house plants, hands in school assignments on time, is back home by curfew, and finishes things she starts.
Now rank each type of behavior according to how urgently you need to attend to it. Mark the highest priority with a 1, and so forth.
Choose only one behavior from each list to start with.
Enlist helpers. Grandma, the teacher, brothers, sisters, caregivers, or your spouse can help by all expecting the same behavior from your child when he is in their care. For example, everybody should insist on a respectful answer; otherwise, the Rose Bush may treat you with respect but keep disregarding other authority figures.
Decide on a realistic time frame for each goal. Practicing asking permission may work well when you are on vacation because it offers many opportunities where your child can’t just take what she wants or go off on her own. Decide more or less how long every objective will take to ensure that you give enough time for proper practice. It can take a month to learn to say thank you and please, two weeks to learn to say “Yes, Dad” when an instruction is given, and maybe longer to break the habit of automatically saying no to every instruction. As soon as one of these objectives is achieved, move on to number 2 on the list of priorities in the same column, so as never to have more than three challenges simultaneously demanding your attention.
Think about the behavior in the first column. Why does the Rose Bush do it? Which rewards does it have? How can you eliminate the rewarding element? How can you ensure in a justified, meaningful way that the behavior actually has negative consequences? What behavior do you expect instead? How can you reward the required behavior once your child starts behaving well?
Take, for example, the child who runs off without telling anyone or asking permission. Perhaps your child’s “reward” is that you usually start searching and screaming hysterically. The Rose Bush enjoys your hysteria and the hide-and-seek game. (Yes, to the Rose Bush it can be a delightful power trip.) He also enjoys the space and freedom of the big park or supermarket. He might also receive a lot of attention when you find him. Make a deal that he will be rewarded with freedom and attention if he stays with you or asks permission before he goes off, but he will be punished when he doesn’t do these things. Have him practice staying by your side without being held. If he can stay with you for the duration of your trip, reward him by playing a game of hide-and-seek at home or taking him to the park. If he runs off, calmly find him, then hold his hand or put him in the shopping cart for the rest of the trip. “You get lost in this big space, so I need to keep you safe in a small space.”
Even teenagers can experience the natural consequences of running off. The child who disappears just before dinnertime will not have a plate of food waiting in the oven, effectively rewarding her for disappearing by dealing with the implications on her behalf. For a teen, set a trial period of a month. If the behavior changes satisfactorily (the teenager notifies you of her movements for a whole month), she has earned more freedom.
Think about the behavior on the second list. Why doesn’t my child do what I want him to do? Does my Rose Bush really know what I expect? Is the behavior I expect realistic given my child’s age and abilities? Should my child perhaps be trained a lot more before this behavior will become a habit? How can I help my child succeed rather than just test him? Does he simply forget? If so, how can I help him remember?
Consider a young child who doesn’t say please or thank you, though you believe she’s old enough to do this without prompting. You want to find a way to impress it on her until it becomes automatic. First, tell her why you expect politeness. Then explain how things are going to work. When she remembers to say please or thank you on her own, she gets a point (which, for example, can be indicated on a reward chart). When she doesn’t remember, you simply might say “Excuse me?” to prompt a response or take back the item you’ve just given (no point earned).
Think about the behavior on the third list, and decide how you’re going to reward it. Review the “Develop” section for techniques and rewards that motivate Rose Bushes.
Saddle up and follow through with your choices. Remember that Rose Bushes will likely resist you trying to change their behavior. Therefore, treat it as their victory when they meet a challenge. Often say things like, “You are making good choices. You are coming along nicely. It seems that you are going to win the fight against bad manners.”
Rose Bushes often become God’s pioneers into tough new territories. They fight good fights, break new ground, and bring truth and direction to chaos and confusion. They can be apostolic and prophetic too! Our son is often on the receiving end of his younger sister’s Rose Bush thorns. His conclusion was probably spot on: “God must have a very tough task for her in this world!” It’s not fun being practiced on, though, so we have pruning to do yet.
The attitudes and skills below will be worth all the energy we invest in patiently and persistently teaching them to our Rose Bushes. Prayerfully insist on the behavior even when they resist, because even some grown-up Roses I know often do not feel like being nice. They do, however, choose to be, because they know their witness depends on it and the people they lead deserve it!
1. Valuing others, their feelings, and their viewpoints: Rose Bushes usually have so much self-confidence that it borders on arrogance, and they often don’t see their own shortcomings. Ironically, other people’s shortcomings are clear to them, and they easily look down on those who are weaker, smaller, slower, or different. Take time to teach them that every person has value, talents, and shortcomings. This doesn’t mean one person is better than another.
Rose Bushes must be taught to understand that their actions and words affect other people. Tell them straight up when they’ve been hurtful because they may not be aware of it. Saying “I want to talk to you about how you make me feel” triggers them, as does the overly sweet voice and the stooping to their level that I’ve already advised against. When you whine, they hear weakness and want to put you out of your misery (or so they’ve told me).
Rose Bushes will defend their viewpoints with a vengeance if they’re sure of themselves. My husband pointed this out in me and said, “Honey, you’re often wrong but never in doubt.” Teach Rose Bushes not to defend their viewpoints rudely but to say with respect, “I don’t agree,” or, “That is not what I saw.”
2. Admitting mistakes and asking for forgiveness: Rose Bushes vehemently resist admitting guilt or mistakes. Be firm when dealing with this potential character flaw. Refuse to move on before your Rose Bush makes the necessary apology. For example, the Rose Bush may not continue playing until he has apologized to a friend for hurting him. He must apologize to the rest of the family for his outburst before he may continue with his meal. He must admit to Dad that the car was scratched and explain how it happened before he is allowed to use the car again.
Rose Bushes may need as much help with the wording of the apology as we would need with a foreign language. A good apology is offered even when we accidentally hurt someone, and it has four components: admitting what you have done, acknowledging what it did to the other person, expressing remorse, and asking for forgiveness. For example, “I tripped you. You really got hurt. I should have been more careful. Will you forgive me?”
3. Talking respectfully and tactfully: Rose Bushes often communicate cryptically and almost rudely. “I want bread.” “Where is my gift?” “I don’t want that food.” “Go away.” “Don’t scold me.” “Give me some too.” It’s a reasonable expectation that they talk in more acceptable ways. Rose Bush Christian leaders often lose their right to lead by breaking this rule. Your child is destined to lead, and his style of communication will define him.
Have your Rose Bushes practice saying someone’s name first. They can build a better relationship with that person by saying please and thank you and using a soft tone of voice if they tend to bark. In our family we have a code phrase, “Try again,” which means, “I have heard you and want to respond, but I won’t be able to do that when you speak to me in such a way.” It takes practice. A coaching session may sound like this:
Rose Bush: (first words of the day) “Where’s my cereal?”
Mother: “Morning, Peter. First greet me.”
Rose Bush: “Hello.”
Mother: “Try again, Peter. Remember my name.”
Rose Bush: “Morning, Mom. I want my cereal.”
Mother: “You must be hungry. Try again by asking nicely.”
Rose Bush: “Mom, may I please have my cereal now?”
Mother: “Of course, Peter. Let’s go to the kitchen.”
Rose Bush: “Don’t pour so much milk over it.”
Mother: “Try again.”
Rose Bush: “Can you please pour less milk over it than yesterday, Mom?”
Mother: “I have an idea. You’re big enough to pour your own milk. What do you think?”
Rose Bush: “Yes, give it here.”
Mother: “Try again.”
Rose Bush: “Please pass me the milk, Mom.”
4. Servant leadership: Sometimes Rose Bushes can enjoy control and power over others so much that they completely forget how people must feel to be bossed around. As they grow older, discuss appropriate scriptures with them so they can see what kinds of leaders are good leaders in God’s eyes. Use Ezekiel 34:1–10 as a guideline.
Choose at least one chore for the Rose Bushes in your house that requires them to help or serve other family members. For example: making Dad a cup of tea in the afternoon, sweeping the kitchen floor, washing the dishes, or looking after the baby. These chores may be met with resistance initially because Rose Bushes prefer doing things that benefit them directly.
5. Accepting help: Rose Bushes dislike asking other people for help and get angry or frustrated if they can’t handle something on their own. If you try to help, they might meet you with ingratitude. This is why a Rose Bush toddler screams at the top of her voice, “Now, leave me alone! I want to do it!” even when we know she can’t master the task herself. In these situations, we could say something like, “I see you are going to try again on your own. I can help if you want. Just call me.” When they keep refusing help, we can say, “You need help. Try one more time, then it’s my turn.” God takes Rose Bushes to the end of their abilities so their pride can be broken. To experience impossible challenges in childhood is a gift, and that is one of the ways Rose Bushes learn that they are not an island, and that it’s not a sign of weakness to need others.
When people say we have to be “consistent,” we often interpret it as follows: we need to act the same way in the same situation every time. If we have sent the child to his room for back-talking once, we have to send him to his room for back-talking every time, right? Not necessarily! Consistency doesn’t necessarily require the same action on our part but rather requires having consistent expectations that result in predictable consequences. These consequences must be logical and instructive, and our actions in response to our child’s misbehavior must be predictable. When I eat too much, I expect consistent results: the scale will show it! I don’t expect my hair to fall out. Similarly, a child who takes something that doesn’t belong to him should expect to give up something that would have been his—that is consistency. To make him sit in the bathroom and think about his sins is not consistent because it has nothing to do with his transgression. It doesn’t teach him anything about the impact of his behavior, nor does it guide correct behavior in the future.
Consider the punishments or consequences in each scenario below, and try to choose the most logical consequence that could teach real-life consequences and skills. Compare your answers to another adult’s answers, or mine, which I provide at the end of the exercise.
Can you spot the cruel punishments that will needlessly hurt the child; unfair punishments that have nothing to do with the offense; consequences that are too advanced for your child’s age, abilities, reasoning skills, or moral development; actions that save your child from consequences; and those actions that could lead to the same behavior being repeated, continued, or worsened?
1 The six-year-old Rose Bush has knocked a glass from the table. It shatters into pieces, and milk is spilled on the carpet. This is the third time this week it has happened!
a. Make a new rule that she will not get something to drink at the table again until she is old enough not to knock over glasses. When she is thirsty, she has to get a drink in a plastic cup and finish it in the kitchen.
b. Give her rubber gloves, a dustpan and brush, and a floor cloth, and let her help you clean up. Put a brightly colored coaster in front of her plate as a reminder of where to put her glass.
c. Give her a spanking, because she has not learned from her previous two accidents. You warned her not to put her glass near the edge of the table, and therefore she has had enough chances now.
d. Let her do chores in the house to earn money to replace the glass.
2. The four-year-old promised to tidy up his room before you read him a story at bedtime. When you ask him whether he did it, he answers, “Yes, Dad!” but upon further investigation you find that he just swept everything under the bed.
a. You take out the toys from under the bed and lock them away for a week so that he can learn to take better care of his toys.
b. You forbid him to play with those toys the next day, and you make him pack away all his other toys neatly the next evening.
c. You give him a spanking because he lied to you and lies are a serious matter.
d. You let him put the toys in the right places, and because it took extra time, and because he lied, there will be no story at bedtime today.
3. Your twelve-year-old went to visit a friend, and when you arrived early to pick her up, you saw that there were no adults at the house and the children were watching a film with an age restriction.
a. You wait for the parents to come home and confront them because it is actually their fault that there was no supervision; and therefore, your child should not be punished. However, you do discuss age restrictions on the way home.
b. You make a rule that your child will not be allowed to visit that friend’s home in the future and only invite the friend to your house under your supervision.
c. You use some of your child’s allowance to rent the same film and expect her to watch it with you and discuss the content critically. She must also suggest a satisfactory plan for when adults leave the house and when friends suggest unhealthy or illegal entertainment.
d. Your child is not allowed to watch any television, videos, or movies for a month so that she can realize that it is a privilege that should not be abused.
4. Your two-year-old Rose Bush nags incessantly for ice cream after the ice-cream truck drives past your home.
a. You give him a spanking because you have said no three times and he refuses to stop crying.
b. You say “not ice-cream time” clearly and take him into the house in a firm but friendly manner. If you suspect he is really hungry, you wait for him to stop crying, then give him something healthy to eat instead.
c. You tell him he must stop crying, then you buy him an ice cream so that he can learn that he gets nothing when he cries but that he gets what he wants when he stops crying.
d. You explain to him why he is not allowed to have it. It is almost dinnertime, he is sensitive to dairy, he has eaten too much sugar already today, and it makes him hyperactive, and so on. Then you stick to your guns and refuse to buy it.
5. Your eleven-year-old fails her Business Economics test. After a while it turns out that she temporarily misplaced the book from which she was supposed to study.
a. You expect her to tell the teacher what happened and ask to retake the test or do an assignment to supplement her grades.
b. You ground her for a week because she didn’t look after her books.
c. You do nothing because you feel she has learned her lesson to be more organized. The poor grades are punishment enough.
d. You let her spend extra hours studying Business Economics because she needs an 80 percent in classwork to make up for the low test score. If she doesn’t manage to do that, she will be punished more severely.
6. Your eleven-year-old Rose Bush leaves a trail of dirty dishes, toys, and clothes everywhere in the house and back-talks when you reprimand him.
a. You take away his screen-time privileges until his tidiness improves.
b. You force him to stay home every Saturday to do some washing, clean the kitchen, and tidy up all his school things unless he doesn’t let anything lie around for the whole week.
c. You explain that you will clean up after him, but as payment for your trouble, you will deduct a quarter from his allowance for each item you find out of place.
d. You donate the clothes that lie around to charity, wash none of his dishes or laundry, and hide his toys that lie around until he can learn to be neat.
7. Your ten-year-old frequently sneaks food from the cupboard, then lies if you ask her about it.
a. You make a new rule that she has to tell you when she is hungry. When she does this, you will always say yes to a tasty but healthy snack and to a small treat after dinner. If she takes snacks without asking, she will lose the treat and all snacks until dinner.
b. Every time you catch her, she has to apologize to the whole family for taking something that actually belongs to everyone. That will teach her that lies bring shame on her and that it is wrong to lie.
c. She must pay for everything she takes. You write down everything that “disappears” and then give her a “bill” at the end of the week to replace everything she took.
d. If you catch her, she must share with you what she took so she doesn’t develop a pattern of eating alone secretly.
My answers: 1b, 2d, 3c, 4b, 5c, 6c, 7a.