Read this chapter if your child tested Boxwood Tree, Box-Palm, Box-Rose, Box-Pine, or Contra-Palm. These trees are all in the Boxwood Tree family. Also read chapter 9 if your child is not a “pure” Boxwood Tree.
In this chapter:
A boxwood is a stylishly pruned tree that is often used as decoration. These trees appear neat and tidy and controlled. The people represented by this tree have high standards and seem almost perfect to others. They can, like a boxwood in a pot, easily thrive in situations with strict rules and regulations. It is easy to shape them and they like boundaries. Hedges are often made out of boxwoods planted close together. Boxwood stems are sometimes made into chess pieces and tuning pins for musical instruments. And the Boxwood Tree personality is like a chess piece—moving only in the designated way, careful to keep to the rules, and not without first scanning the “playing field” for every trap and possibility.
Josh is the younger brother of Rose Bush Kevin and has almost nothing in common with his bold and daring brother.
Even as a preschooler Josh was serious. As soon as he could count, he wanted to know how many points out of ten he would get for keeping a tidy room. Criticism and harsh words turned him into a weepy bundle for hours on end, and his parents realized that he had a fragile self-image and required a gentle approach.
His sensitivity toward others led him to be his mother’s sounding board, even at a tender age. He was her shoulder to cry on when her father died. Josh only cried when he was alone in his room because he felt it was his duty to be there for his mother. He cried himself to sleep many nights.
Josh was an exemplary seven-year-old and instantly became the teacher’s pet. Even though he was an introvert, he was also very polite. During second grade Josh didn’t do well on one of his spelling tests. He tried his best to wipe out the Xs with a pen eraser but tore the page. Because a torn page was even worse than a bad grade, Josh “lost” his book. He had to redo all the work in a new book, but he didn’t mind because it meant he could rewrite everything as neatly and perfectly as he had wanted to in the first place.
Josh often worried about the future. How would it be when his brother left the house in a year or two? Who would drive him to his extracurricular lessons? What would happen if World War III broke out when he was old enough to be a soldier? What if a solar flare took out Amazon’s headquarters or the entire Internet? His mom did everything online. Would she lose her job then? Would they be poor? He noticed how she saved money whenever she could. She no longer filled the fuel tank every time she stopped at the filling station. First she checked her purse, then decided how much fuel she wanted. Nothing escaped his keen observation.
He didn’t ask his mother if he could take up chess, even though he really wanted to. He felt that his needs were not important.
In the afternoons after school, Josh did his homework without being reminded. Then he often checked his brother’s room to make sure Kevin was also doing his part. Josh constantly found fault with Kevin’s room and the way he did things. Kevin jokingly called him Joshlock Holmes for this ability to spot what was out of place.
Josh’s prominent Boxwood temperament predicts that he will take life very seriously and bear a heavy burden, even when life has a lot to offer him. He feels everything that happens is important. Little problems turn him into a bundle of nerves. He frequently feels overwhelmed and doesn’t know where to start to deal with it.
Josh is probably going to perform well at high school. He will make his parents proud by doing his best and staying out of trouble. The football players may frown on his creative, intellectual, and linguistic talents, but he will need only a few friends who share his values. It will not bother him to be excluded from the “in” crowd.
People will probably say these things about Josh someday:
With each of you we were like a father with his child, holding your hand, whispering encouragement, showing you step-by-step how to live well before God, who called us into his own kingdom, into his delightful life.
1 Thessalonians 2:11–12
In your child’s Tall Trees Kids Profile Report, tailor-made needs similar to these below will be listed as the Boxwood’s “Fertilizer.”
1. Daily reassurance of our love: Boxwoods are the most emotional of all the trees, and unfortunately, they are also very sensitive. Figuratively speaking, they save negative feedback on their hard drive and positive words on a flash drive that is easily misplaced. They need us to show them how much we love them, like them, and are proud of them—every day! This reassurance of our love is especially necessary after they have misbehaved, failed, or disappointed us.
2. Constant encouragement: Boxwoods are quick to get despondent when they don’t feel supported. They work hard and persistently because they want to give their best, but they can suddenly go up in a puff of smoke when all the demands (real and imagined) become overwhelming. They just want to know that we see how hard they try, that we believe in them, and that we are available every now and then when they need our help.
Brag about them, “gossip” good things about them, compliment and encourage them with written notes, because these proofs of our approval are much more believable to them than a directly spoken compliment, which many Boxwoods file in a folder labeled “highly suspicious.”
3. Careful feedback on the quality of their work: Boxwoods can’t easily distance themselves from their work. If we don’t praise the project they did in nursery school or if we criticize them for coloring outside the lines, they will take it personally. If they usually receive two stars for their work but receive only one today, it can be crushing. A Boxwood experiences feedback on her work as feedback on her as a person. Praise and a score of ten out of ten in her workbook mean that she is excellent, you are happy with her, and she herself is a ten out of ten. There’s no need to fear that the positive feedback will go to their heads, as they need it daily. I’ve heard many Boxwoods say, “Yesterday’s achievement doesn’t last long. I start every day at a zero.”
4. A boost to their self-image: Because they notice their own negative traits first, Boxwoods often have low self-confidence. They are prone to perfectionism, self-examination, and feelings of guilt, and on top of it all they frequently compare themselves to others. Boost their self-image in the following ways.
First, talk to them about what it means to have a calling. They were made with a special plan in mind. This plan is, first of all, that the Lord wants to love them—that is the basic plan and reason for each person’s existence. However, there is another reason: the Lord has a unique task for them in this world. This should form the basis of every person’s self-worth and self-image.
Talk to them about the hidden gifts of their temperament—excellence, a good work ethic, a love of fairness, teachability, thoughtfulness, and attention to detail, to name a few—so that they can value themselves. Also reassure them that they will be unnecessarily critical of themselves, owing to their temperament type. Their true image will therefore probably be better than the image they have of themselves.
Second, we can help them in the social arena by explaining that there is nothing wrong with having only one or two close friends, because it means they were made to have deeper, stronger friendships.
Third, we can help them be successful problem solvers by allowing them to find their own ways to set things right. They respond very well to an opportunity to rectify their mistakes. This relates to problem solving and is essential for their self-image.
Finally, create opportunities for them to show their thoughtful side. It can be simple things, such as reminding forgetful friends of the important items to bring to camp or writing a teacher a get-well note. Seeing how their gifts benefit others builds a sense of worth that is more lasting than the perceived worth from their achievements.
5. Clear, consistent rules: Boxwoods are the only trees that like rules. Even before a simple game, they want the rules made clear. Without boundaries they become uncertain and confused. The more details they have, the safer they feel. It suits them when someone else makes the rules, and they are usually more than willing to cooperate.
They get upset when the rules are changed, are not followed, don’t apply to everyone, or are not taken seriously. They like to act as second-in-command by reminding everyone of the rules when the teachers or parents are away.
6. Help with priorities: Everything is equally important—vitally important!—to a Boxwood. They get tense over trivialities: when their assignment is one page longer or shorter than the teacher said it had to be, when they can’t find one of their puzzle pieces, or when they haven’t received a testing schedule a month before final exams. There is always something to worry about. Sometimes simple questions help, such as: Which task will take the longest to complete? Which assignment has to be handed in first? What do you need to finish that assignment? Who can help you with this? What do you think the first step of this assignment should be?
7. Early warnings of changes and major events: A Boxwood wakes up with a schedule in her head, with everything she has to do or plan to accomplish already mapped out. When we suddenly disturb her normal routine, everything seems disrupted and she loses her feeling of security.
Boxwoods might welcome changes such as a new house or the birth of a sibling, but they hate changes to their school schedules, deadlines, or changes in stated requirements because they aren’t sure how these will affect their performance.
8. Routine, information, schedules, frameworks, lists, watches, and calendars: Like Rose Bushes, Boxwoods also like being in control, but they’re more concerned with having control over their own lives than over other people or events. From early childhood they welcome a predictable, set routine. The more details they have in black and white, the better. The older they get, the more Boxwoods love these types of organizational resources.
If our Boxwoods tend to get anxious, we can help them by building this kind of structure into their lives. Put up a schedule or calendar that indicates the whole family’s weekly activities and other important dates to keep them in the loop.
9. An opportunity to make up for mistakes: Boxwoods have sensitive consciences from an early age. They typically feel sincere regret when they are wrong. They blame and punish themselves with self-reproach. We have to help them forgive themselves. Allow them to try to make up for their mistakes. Let them clean up spills and messes themselves, then try again. When they apologize, accept the apology in love.
10. Quiet me-time: Boxwoods need time alone daily. They find it hard to orient themselves properly in noisy or busy environments. If possible, the Boxwood should not have to share a room with siblings, especially if the roommate is messy. If there is no alternative, their privacy should be respected as much as possible. Their toys should at least be kept separate. While other kids may experience being sent to their room as punishment, Boxwoods could be relieved to have permission to take a breather in their own space!
11. Discovery and development of creative talents: Boxwoods are often artistic. One should give them the opportunity to master at least one musical instrument or art form. This will give them a way to build their fragile self-image. However, exams and competitions, concerts, art exhibitions, recitals, and expos should not be the focus—unless they are naturally competitive because of a bit of Rose Bush in their mix. Consider these activities for personal therapy, not for showing off in public.
12. Opportunity to cope with their intense emotions in their own time: Boxwoods’ experiences are intense, and their emotional reactions to events can last a long time. Unfortunately, they can’t be cheered up or distracted easily once they feel sad or despondent. Their emotions deserve to be handled with extreme tenderness. This aspect is vital, because disregarding Boxwoods’ emotions is equal to disregarding them as people.
Feelings never need to be “fixed.” In fact, feelings are never “broken.”
Dr. Lloyd J. Thomas, “Understanding Your Emotions”
We can’t help Boxwoods on a rational level with their emotions; we have to meet them on an emotional level. Here are some skills parents need to help a Boxwood with her emotions:
Try to acknowledge your Boxwood’s experience of the situation rather than looking at the situation as you see it. If the Boxwood thinks that broken swimming goggles is a national crisis, don’t immediately offer to buy a new pair. He wants you to mourn his loss with him.
Acknowledge the emotion, even if you think it is unfounded. A Boxwood wants your understanding, not your advice or appeasement. Say something like, “It upsets you when something breaks. That’s why you’re crying about the broken goggles.”
Arguments won’t change the situation. When a Boxwood teenager is crushed after a failed relationship, avoid clichés and cold facts like “There are plenty of fish in the sea. After all, only 5 percent of people marry their high school sweetheart.” Reason won’t change the way she feels. When a Boxwood is emotional, the rational part of her brain shuts down completely! Agree with her instead: “It’s very painful to lose that special bond with someone.”
An emotional Boxwood doesn’t want to answer many questions. Asking in an annoyed tone, “How did you manage to break the goggles? Where did you leave them?” will only infuriate him or add to the shame he already feels.
If the emotion stays intense, despite your understanding and calm acknowledgment, your Boxwood probably wants time and privacy to work through it, so give her space. Walk away with friendly words, such as, “Later, when you feel better, we can talk if you like. I am sorry you’re feeling so sad.”
There is nothing sweeter than to be sympathized with.
George Santayana, Little Essays Drawn from the Writings of George Santayana
Our Boxwoods need to learn:
1. To set realistic standards for themselves and others: Boxwoods can easily lose perspective and decide, for example, that they want to raise their marks by 20 percent in one school term, or that they want to achieve a perfect score for a specific assignment. If they don’t succeed, they may be crushed. Teach them to take baby steps by setting smaller goals that add up to something they feel is significant.
They’re often unrealistic about how many things they want to get done. Help them decide which are the most helpful and important. Assure them that they don’t need to do everything on their list in one day, or they’ll wear themselves out.
Perfection can become their slave master. Emphasize creativity and originality above a faultless result. Show them the beauty in the imperfect brushstrokes on a canvas and in the freckles on a gorgeous face, so that they can discover how imperfect details can still be part of an acceptable whole. Teach the value of “good enough.”
The principle mark of genius is not perfection, but originality, the opening of new frontiers.
Arthur Koestler, The Act of Creation
2. To replace negative self-talk with positive self-talk: Explain to your child that thoughts are like a ladder. Each time we think a thought, we go one step up or down the ladder. When we think negative thoughts, we go down, and it becomes darker and darker; when we think positively, we go up and one step closer to the sunlight. Our brains and bodies “listen” to the words we say to ourselves, and we get sick and stressed when our words to ourselves aren’t full of hope. Teach your Boxwood a few phrases he can repeat to himself when negative emotions threaten to take over:
3. To label emotions: When a Boxwood is overcome by emotions, she can’t always explain what she feels or why she is feeling that way. Naming the emotions gives your child a handle on them. When we use the techniques I mentioned earlier, we can help her reflect on her emotions: “I see you’re disappointed” or “You seem angry to me” or “It seems as if you’re frustrated.” When we don’t sum up the emotion correctly, the Boxwood will probably react with something like, “No, that’s not it,” or, “You don’t understand.” Keep quiet then so she can try to explain. If the Boxwood doesn’t say anything else, perhaps it is wise to accept that and just say something like, “I see it’s hard for you and I hope you can sort it out,” and leave it at that.
It’s often easier for Boxwoods to write down their feelings. If your Boxwood can write, encourage her to keep a journal.
Teach Boxwoods to think about their feelings in what Gary Smalley calls “emotional word pictures.” 12 It is a valuable way to make someone understand how deep the feeling of hurt is. After a conversation in which I inadvertently insulted my son, he said, “I feel like a candle blown out, and will need time to light my own flame again.” It said so much more than just, “You hurt me, Mom.”
4. To console themselves: Boxwoods often experience our attempts to console them as disapproval or disregard of them and their emotions. They feel our intolerance of their mood. Understanding the intensity of their emotions is much more important to them than comforting or consoling them. They want compassion, not a solution. Maybe they even want to cry! Only they can actually console themselves, but we can help them find the techniques that work best for them. Some need to sit in their rooms and have a good cry; others need a walk outside. Some are consoled by listening to their favorite music or holding their favorite teddy bears. Make suggestions, and let your Boxwood experiment with them. Note what works, and tell him what you see; for example, “I saw how stroking the cat made you feel better. I feel better when I take off my shoes and lie down a little with my eyes closed.”
5. To give people the benefit of the doubt regarding their intentions: Boxwoods often assume the worst in any unpleasant situation. They are quick to turn into self-pitying victims. When someone hurts them, they tend to believe it was on purpose. When someone forgets to tell them something, they may believe it’s because this person doesn’t like them anymore and excluded them intentionally.
Boxwoods believe themselves to be rational, but in fact their emotions often lead them to the wrong conclusions in conflicts. Teach them to get the facts from the other person by asking directly if there is something wrong and if they are reading the situation correctly. Even a small child can be taught to simply ask, “Are we still friends, or are you mad at me?” rather than assuming that the friend who doesn’t want to play hates her.
6. To serve others when they themselves are feeling down: Boxwoods can be selfish and self-sacrificing at the same time. Sometimes, as adults, they have wonderful service-oriented careers and become volunteer community workers, provided they are encouraged to live outside of their comfort zones. They should be exposed to the needs of others from a young age, or they could get so caught up in their own concerns that their compassion for others gets drowned out.
The parents of a young Boxwood with terminal cancer understood this characteristic of their child and bought her a puppy. Taking care of this helpless being enabled her to look away from her own helplessness.
7. To relax: Many Boxwoods are constantly serious and slightly stressed. When anything goes against what they regard as the “right way” based on their beliefs, it is hard to convince them that it’s not a big deal. Yolanda, mom of five-year-old Boxwood Linay, learned this at the dinner table one night. Linay learned about the stomach in preschool that day. When Yolanda dished up food, Linay got upset, held up her small fist, and said, “Mom, my tummy is only as big as my fist. You’ve dished up too much food for me! Mommy’s wasting our money!” It probably took a lot of patient assurance that they could afford the food and that her tummy could stretch before Linay ate her dinner.
As their school years become busier, Boxwoods need to be taught to put worries and work aside, even if only for a few minutes. Sometimes it helps them to put aside something symbolic. Maybe they can simply write down or draw all their worries about tomorrow and all their painful memories of the day in a diary or journal before bedtime. When they close the book, they can visualize a door shutting between them and those things so they can sleep peacefully. Praying and telling God about each concern often makes the difference between a sleepless night and a peaceful one.
Note nervous habits and stress-related behaviors in your Boxwood, and help him find ways to make the butterflies in his stomach at least fly in unison, if they can’t settle completely! Slight anxiousness is normal for Boxwoods. They use it as fuel to keep going. It is a concern only when they are unable to relax between stressful times.
8. To get to know themselves: Because Boxwoods want to make other people happy, play by the rules, and do everything perfectly, they can easily end up living their whole lives for others without ever asking, “What do I enjoy? What would I like to do?” Before long they can be left with one agonizing question: “Who am I?” Help them answer this question by observing them closely and as objectively as possible, giving feedback on what you observe: “I see you enjoy horseback riding even when the horse is obstinate” or “It seems to me that your favorite pastimes during the holidays were painting and drawing.” By assembling these remarks into a picture of their true selves, Boxwoods can break through the molds of other people’s expectations to be who they really are and what they are destined to become.
Our Boxwoods learn best:
How does God speak to Boxwoods?
The LORD said, “I have indeed seen the misery of my people in Egypt. I have heard them crying out because of their slave drivers, and I am concerned about their suffering. So I have come down to rescue them from the hand of the Egyptians and to bring them up out of that land into a good and spacious land, a land flowing with milk and honey—the home of the Canaanites, Hittites, Amorites, Perizzites, Hivites and Jebusites. And now the cry of the Israelites has reached me, and I have seen the way the Egyptians are oppressing them. So now, go. I am sending you to Pharaoh to bring my people the Israelites out of Egypt.… But I know that the king of Egypt will not let you go unless a mighty hand compels him. So I will stretch out my hand and strike the Egyptians with all the wonders that I will perform among them. After that, he will let you go. And I will make the Egyptians favorably disposed toward this people, so that when you leave you will not go empty-handed. Every woman is to ask her neighbor and any woman living in her house for articles of silver and gold and for clothing, which you will put on your sons and daughters. And so you will plunder the Egyptians.”
Exodus 3:7–10, 19–22 NIV
Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.
Exodus 4:12 NIV
Moses was a classic Boxwood. The first words used by the Lord to announce Moses’s calling connect with his sadness. Moses’s compassion for his people was the reason he was in the desert, but it was also the reason why God chose him to lead his people out of Egypt. The Lord also saw the people’s suffering (Exodus 3:7–10).
The Lord approaches Boxwoods more gently than He does Rose Bushes or Palm Trees, with not so much thunder, lightning, and majesty (Exodus 3:1–4).
The Lord repeatedly tells Moses how everything will work out. Moses knows beforehand how the story will end—something a Boxwood appreciates (Exodus 3:19–22). When Moses expresses doubts, the Lord repeats everything and reassures him with promises (Exodus 6:1–8; 7:1–5).
The Lord prepares Moses for every big crisis by telling him what is going to happen and how He will come to Moses’s rescue. A Boxwood doesn’t naturally have the inner strength to follow blindly and walk into the lion’s den without such guarantees and encouragement to hold on to (Exodus 14:1–4; Numbers 14:27–35).
The Lord cheers Moses on when he feels inadequate and assures him of His help (Exodus 3:12; 4:12; 7:1).
The Lord talks to Boxwoods in great detail because they remember the detail, or they write it down and convey it carefully to those they have to teach (Exodus 21–23; 24:3–4, 7; 25–32).
The Lord helps the Boxwood gain perspective and avoid getting caught up in unimportant details (Luke 10:41).
The Lord reveals His majesty in words to Boxwoods so they can remember who He is and draw strength from that when they feel tired or weak (Exodus 34:5–7; John 11:25–26).
How should we talk to our Boxwoods?
Because we want our Boxwoods to understand what we say, we can follow these guidelines:
A Boxwood listens to the way we speak (emotions), and not only to what we say. We’d do well to communicate calmly and in a friendly manner. They detect negativity quickly, and we can expect a hurt and even hurtful reaction. When we whine, they do too.
Boxwoods love having important information in writing. Make sketches of rules and put them up where the Boxwood can refer to them.
They want to feel appreciated. Therefore, say please and thank you when your expectations require effort on their part. Saying, “I know you would rather have stayed until the end of the concert. Thank you for leaving on time for your curfew” will help an annoyed Boxwood deal with the disappointment of missing the last song.
Boxwoods need to understand everything in detail, so repeat what you said patiently when necessary.
Convey that you understand the emotion that your Boxwood is experiencing by saying, “I realize that this instruction [or punishment or request or word] makes you feel ___________.”
Beware of saying things that could convey disregard for your Boxwood’s intense emotions and experiences. Forbidden phrases include: Get a grip. Stop crying. Get over it. How long are you going to keep on sulking? What is so bad about that? Tomorrow is another day. Don’t worry; other people are worse off than you. Be grateful—it could have been much worse. I know of someone who …
Remember that Boxwoods tend to hear the negative. Avoid following up a compliment with criticism. When we tell Boxwoods, “The room looks nice, but next time remember to close the closet door,” they only hear, “Your closet door should have been closed.”
Be sure of your facts and talk privately when you think they are guilty. When reprimanded in public, they get defensive and will probably lie to protect their self-image or cite proof that they are not wrong.
If Boxwoods do something wrong that we didn’t expect of them, try not to overreact. Question them to discover the reason behind the behavior. When they break rules, there typically is more to the situation than meets the eye. My usually well-behaved daughter once cut all our living room blinds into different lengths. She still stood with scissors in hand when I caught her. My assumption was that she was downright destructive, but a few questions revealed the real motive: the blinds were very boring, and she was merely doing interior decoration. She loved them more this way and thought I would too, hence the evidence everywhere. She felt proud, not guilty.
Boxwoods often become uncharacteristically aggressive when criticized and can retaliate with razor-like sharpness. It is unwise to respond to the exact words they say then. They know they are unfair and will feel terrible about their words anyway. Rather, note the emotion, acknowledge their hurt, and ask for a chance to discuss it once everyone is calm. In that later conversation, make them aware of this tendency and suggest better ways to respond.
We can’t take back nasty words once we have said them because Boxwoods remember everything! Every time I jokingly say they keep an alphabetic file of the things we say, with notes on the date and place we said it and what we were wearing at the time, several Boxwoods laugh and nod their heads. One Boxwood woman added, “And a backup file in case I lose the original!” When we have lashed out, attacked their character, or were unreasonable, we have to apologize. Perhaps then our entry in their file will be deleted.
Boxwoods are sensitive to nonresponsiveness because they fill the gaps of silence themselves. They tend to imagine the worst, may put words in your (closed) mouth, and usually imagine your anger or unhappiness to be far worse than it really is. If you don’t know what to say, at least try to say, “I will tell you how I feel later; just give me time.” Then keep your promise and respond in a reasonable time frame.
How can we listen to our Boxwoods better?
Remember that an emotional avalanche of words is part of the Boxwood’s style—if the story seems confusing, listen to the heart.
Boxwoods see all details as equally important. Therefore, be patient while they go down many detours to get to their destination.
Ask them to summarize everything they have said if you know you missed the bottom line or if you lost concentration during a long story. If they think you have simply shut down, it hurts them immensely.
Boxwoods can immediately sense when you’re critical or skeptical about what they’re saying, and they’ll become guarded. They’ll avoid opening their hearts to you in the future. Be careful not to raise your eyebrows, frown, sigh, or give other negative nonverbal feedback while they’re talking. Give them a chance to talk, then respond thoughtfully.
Understand that their many detailed questions don’t indicate distrust in you. Boxwoods merely have an intense need to know and understand things.
Some Boxwoods like to complain and usually have a completely separate whiny voice for such occasions. You should never respond to that voice or it will become permanent. Say calmly, “I want to listen, but you will have to use your friendly voice.”
Look out for the Boxwoods’ secret weapons to manipulate parents—emotional complaining and unreasonable accusations. When you hear this, point it out and make sure that it doesn’t become a pattern with your Boxwoods. They may cry genuine tears, but when those tears come with lyrics such as, “I just want to be with Jesus and then you will all be sorry!” the manipulation needs to be pointed out and nipped in the bud.
In summary:
Each tree type has its own pruning and watering needs. These approaches work the best with Boxwoods:
1. Reaffirm the rules: Because Boxwoods accept rules, reminding them of a boundary or rule usually brings about the desired behavior immediately. An unemotional, “But you are not allowed to jump on the bed!” is sufficient for a typical Boxwood. Don’t be surprised if you get a compliant answer: “Oh yes. I’m sorry, Mommy.”
2. Do-overs: Because Boxwoods really want to do the right thing (according to their own perception of “right”), we could try to give them the chance to rectify their mistakes on their own. They sometimes have an excessive sense of fairness. Take it into account when choosing consequences. They’d prefer to mend something they broke rather than be scolded for breaking it.
3. Sincere encouragement: When they perform well or do something that pleases you, remember to give your Boxwoods recognition in their preferred way—a private rather than public reward. Boxwoods are shy when we praise them in front of others, but they appreciate it when we look them in the eyes and say something sincere, such as, “I notice that you are doing your best. It always pays to be dedicated.”
4. Point systems and reward charts: Of all the tree types, the nature of a Boxwood makes her react most favorably to reward charts. Put one up on the wall of her room or inside her closet where it is not too public and reward her visibly with stars or points. It will defy your goal when you work negatively on such charts by taking away stars, deducting points, or sticking black dots on it. This visual reminder of failure is devastating to a Boxwood’s confidence.
If it’s difficult for you to maintain this kind of system, use a five-point system: one point each for brushing their teeth; putting the cap back on the toothpaste tube; rinsing their mouth, the brush, and the basin; returning the toothbrush and tube to the container; and having a pleasant attitude. You then only say something like, “Nice going. That was a four. Returning the cap too will give you a five,” and your child can jot down the given points on the chart.
5. Loss of or increase in privileges: Boxwoods value privileges that are related to their need for privacy, creativity, order, and silence. They may be best rewarded by being allowed to spend time alone in their own rooms. (This type of “reward” would make a Palm Tree feel unloved!)
6. A thoughtful item: To receive something they are not required to share as a special reward is wonderful for Boxwoods. Items that help them organize their world and do well at their schoolwork or chores are hugely motivating too.
Boxwoods are not really a disciplinary challenge, and their parents usually think more of their own abilities as parents than they ought to! The emotional challenge with raising Boxwoods is, however, enormous. They are not a handful, but rather a heartful. We worry about their self-image, not their marks, and about their fears, not their friends. We worry about not stepping on those long toes and wish we could talk to them without the tear ducts (or floodgates!) opening up wide. The most important step in the cultivation plan of Boxwoods is to know that we won’t get anywhere with emotion—not theirs or our own. We need to create calm, or at least wait for it, before we proceed.
Boxwoods who are approached with metaphorical chainsaws or axes usually don’t survive the discipline in their homes. Emotional and physical forcefulness can destroy these delicate saplings. Our cultivation plan should therefore include minimal or no spanking and healthy doses of kind words and other gentle approaches. Yet, although it will be difficult, we will still need to punish them sometimes.
Punishment plays a pivotal role in shaping a conscience, because it answers the inexperienced child’s question: “Is this right or wrong, and if it is wrong, how serious is it?”
Dr. James Dobson, The New Dare to Discipline
The following plan to change behavior can be used effectively with Boxwoods. Begin by making three lists in the following table of things you want to work on.
|
To Do Less |
To Do More Often |
Doing Great! |
What does my Boxwood do too often or incorrectly?
The list may include: talks in a whiny voice, bursts into tears every time I criticize, easily gets discouraged or frustrated, speaks ill of other people, is full of whims and fancies regarding food, and accuses me of being unfair.
What does my Boxwood do too infrequently or not at all?
For example, he doesn’t take care of his pet, doesn’t eat his school lunch, doesn’t bring home letters and report cards that are unfavorable, and doesn’t appreciate what his parents do for him unless it is done exactly the way he wants it.
What does my Boxwood do right or often enough?
This list may include: does his homework conscientiously, is on time for school and meals, helps Mom around the house, completes his tasks, obeys the house rules, and keeps his room tidy. This list is essential so that we don’t only nag about everything that is wrong but also focus on the good behavior of our Boxwoods, who get disheartened so quickly.
Now rank each type of behavior according to how urgently you need to attend to it. Mark the highest priority with a 1, and so forth.
Choose only one thing from each list to start with.
Explain your goals and plan to Grandma, the teacher, brothers, sisters, caregivers, or your spouse so that you can have consistent expectations regarding the behavior. For example, everybody should insist on a friendly tone instead of a whiny voice.
Decide on a realistic time frame for each goal, and pick the best time to start the training in new behavior patterns. It won’t be wise to increase your Boxwood’s stress levels just before final exams by adding new expectations! If the whole family has to cooperate, we would need to ensure that both parents are involved. As soon as your Boxwood achieves one of these objectives, move on to number 2 in the same column. Focus on no more than three challenges at the same time.
Think about the behavior in the first column. What is the Boxwood’s reason for misbehaving? Which rewards does it hold? How can I take away the rewarding element? How can I ensure in a justified, meaningful way that it has negative consequences? With which behavior should she replace it? How can I reward the required behavior once my child starts behaving well?
Take, for example, the accusation that you behave unfairly toward him. Boxwoods love to make us feel guilty. They usually feel that they get the worst share of everything. The reward for their behavior is that it does indeed make the parents feel guilty or at least think about giving concessions to the disgruntled Boxwood. In this way our no frequently turns into a yes.
We may decide, for example, to work on this tactic for a month in the following way: We will make our Boxwood aware of his tendency to manipulate us. We will explain that we won’t allow any manipulative behavior. If he accuses us of being unfair, he won’t get what he wanted for a certain period of time. For example, if he says his sister is always allowed to go to the movies and he isn’t, he will not be allowed to go to the movies for the next two weekends. When he truly feels grieved, he is not allowed to use this accusatory manner. He is, however, allowed to ask in a respectful, calm way, “What is the reason that I may not go to the movies but Sarah may?” After this, he needs to accept our explanation without trying to manipulate us further. When he succeeds in taking no for an answer without playing on our feelings, we’ll give him credit for this and allow him a special privilege of his choice. For example, he may stay up later, invite a friend over, pick out a movie to watch at home, or choose what the family will have for dinner. When the month is over, there are no more special rewards for the correct behavior—only recognition and encouragement. The wrong behavior will mean that we have to follow the above plan again for another month.
Think about the behavior on the second list. Why doesn’t my child do what I want him to do? Does he simply forget? If so, how can I help him remember? Does my Boxwood really know what I expect? Is the behavior I expect realistic given my child’s age and abilities? Should my child perhaps have more opportunities to practice the correct behavior, and can I help her practice these skills?
Let’s use the report cards as an example. The Boxwood probably fears consequences for poor grades or is simply ashamed of them. He doesn’t mean to deceive or be dishonest, and we’ll need a talk about expectations. We’d rather know where the schoolwork issues are than be in the dark and think that all is hunky-dory. He may need our assurance that he won’t be punished for poor grades. Together we can make a plan to revisit the work he didn’t understand or to have a tutor help him catch up.
Think about the behavior on the third list, and decide how you are going to reward it. The Boxwood will be unaware of everything he does right and needs positive reinforcement. I would definitely recommend a “brag chart” with stars or stickers for young Boxwoods. Describe the good behavior in clear terms on top; for instance, “Your room is an example! You have done your best! You are one in a million!” For older Boxwood children I suggest notes. Write a short letter showing what you see and appreciate about them, and put it where they will discover it, such as on their headboard or closet door.
Take the bull by the horns and follow through with your choices. Remember to stay as positive as possible. Make sure that this discipline plan is not the center of your relationship and communication. Talk about other things, and give lots of unconditional love, even when the plan is not going well. Your child is more than his successes or failures. Boxwoods in particular need to experience this truth.
Boxwood Trees fulfill many key roles in God’s work in the world. They implement His principles, convey His teachings, establish His justice, and help His people in practical ways by working hard and faithfully. They also serve through their talents in music, arts, and language (one of which at least half of them possess). By nature, they serve but tend to complain as they do it or criticize those who don’t do it “the right way.” But when your parenting efforts in the areas below come together with God’s Spirit, their hearts can change from law loving to grace loving, and they become blessings to everyone fortunate to know them!
1. Curb criticism and judgment: Boxwoods can be quite critical. If your Boxwood often criticizes others openly, you should intervene and forbid such gossip or bad-mouthing. If the criticism becomes a judgmental attitude, it’s on the verge of becoming an unattractive character trait. When the criticism is true, you may want to teach your Boxwood the principle of speaking only what is helpful and kindly put. It may be true that a certain person has poor table manners, but is it helpful in the situation to point it out? Also, when we feel we have to acknowledge a mistake, we’d do well to balance it out with a positive: “She lied to her friend. It is wrong, but I have seen her be very generous with her spending money.”
2. Stop negative thought patterns and reverse them: When your Boxwood experiences disappointment, she’ll start talking to herself about it: “If only I didn’t do that! I am the only one who ever gets into this kind of mess. Surely nobody will want to help me. I know how this will end. I knew it would happen.” These thoughts draw her deeper and deeper into an abyss of self-pity, despair, and even anger. You can teach your Boxwood how to think about bad experiences in a new and different way. Practice with your child to turn the situation around as follows:
Let your child sit back, relax, and close her eyes. Encourage her to picture the bad thing that happened as a still photo rather than a film that keeps playing. In this way she can choose one “frame” to control by “freezing” it. If she’s old enough, let her remove all color from her picture so that the mental photo is black and white. She can even be encouraged to draw it.
If other people’s words have hurt her, let her write new words for the people in the picture. The friend who had shouted, “I wish you would fall and break your neck!” could now say, “I am angry with you, but I will cool down again.”
Let her change the picture as she likes—take away someone or put someone in, for example. If she could imagine her father being there, holding her hand while everything happened, she might feel safer than in the original memory. She could change the facial expressions if it would make her feel better.
Now let her describe the “new” situation as she sees it in her picture.
Do not let your hearts be troubled, neither let it be afraid. [Stop allowing yourselves to be agitated and disturbed; and do not permit yourselves to be fearful and intimidated and cowardly and unsettled.]
John 14:27 (AMP CLASSIC)
3. Accept people who think and act differently than they do: Boxwoods usually see things in black and white. They can be rigid and believe that only their way, perspective, or method is correct. Boxwoods often keep to the letter of the law when they are adults because they never learned to adjust their perspective when they were young. Boxwoods can be narrow minded and measure everyone according to their standards. They should be exposed to as much diversity as possible from a young age: Take them to experience different cultures, creeds, and communities. Interpret these encounters with them. Give them books to read about people from other sectors of society and from different cultures. When they learn to understand other people, Boxwoods can become the most compassionate and serving people on earth!
4. Forgive and forget: Unfortunately, Boxwoods automatically keep records of wrongdoings. Nobody can revive an old dispute more quickly than some Boxwoods can. Boxwoods tend to live in the past and the future. They have remorse about the past and concern about the future, which can become a character flaw that can make Boxwoods unpopular and prevent them from having good relationships. Few people can maintain a relationship in which mistakes are seldom forgiven and forgotten. Therefore, we should refuse to allow them to dredge up the past, even when they are young. Teach your Boxwood the following things about forgiveness by giving examples from life:
5. Ask for help, and spell out their needs: Boxwoods easily feel helpless, and unfortunately, they have trouble asking for help. We do them a favor when we teach the helpless bundle of self-pity to frequently ask, “Can you please help me?” and to answer the question, “How can I help you?” On the one hand they usually think that everyone should sort out their own problems, but on the other hand they feel that someone ought to help them, even if they don’t ask for help. What a recipe for desperation!
Each time our Boxwoods express worry or discouragement (and that may be often), we have an opportunity to point out the Lord’s love, care, and presence. Tell them from a young age that the Lord wants to be with them, can hear their cries, wants to help them, protects them with His angels, knows how they feel, and will never let go of them. Let them memorize Bible verses about these truths, and even post them in visible places such as the bathroom mirror. Once God’s encouragement becomes a reality to them, they can pass on this hope to others!
Five of the eight statements or questions below would negate a Boxwood’s feelings. Identify and replace these five with a statement or question that conveys empathy and understanding. Answers and alternative reactions are provided at the end of this exercise.
1. Don’t feel so sorry for yourself.
2. You are not the only one who was hurt.
3. You have a very gentle spirit. That is precious.
4. I don’t know what to do when you cry like that.
5. You can come and sit with me anytime, even if you are too sad to talk.
6. Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and you cry alone.
7. Surely it can’t be that bad!
8. Have you ever noticed that rude people upset you?
Answers/Alternatives:
1. It seems as if you feel you are suffering more than you deserve.
2. I think many people have experienced this and will agree with you that it is painful. I hope they will also have someone to talk to.
4. What can I do that will help you when you are so sad?
6. You are allowed to laugh and cry. We see that in the book of Psalms. All of us feel happy at times and sad at times.
7. I am sorry to see it was really hard for you. I wish it didn’t hurt you so deeply.
Mark the communication mistakes listed below that you make with your Boxwood. Circle those that could cause your relationship to be shipwrecked, and work on replacing these with a communication habit that expresses your love for your Boxwood.