In this chapter:
When I conveniently forget my past gardening failures and bravely venture into horticulture, I usually scan the nursery near our home for “easy plants”—those that basically don’t need me to remember I have them! Their attractiveness matters, but I mostly look at the labels. What do they say? Full sun, or semishade? How often do I need to water the plants? If I buy several, how far apart should I plant them? If I look at getting a tree, how tall will it grow?
I do this for two reasons. I want to know how to care for the plants so they don’t wither and die, and I want to know what to expect when they are grown—fruit, flowers, runners that will take over the entire garden?
Can you see that a plant’s label is not a bad thing? It doesn’t limit the plant in any way. It doesn’t emphasize what the plant can’t be. It only highlights the plant’s innate potential and the ways in which I can nurture it into a flourishing shrub or tree.
Temperament is such a positive label. When I understand my child’s innate design, I’m better equipped to answer these two pertinent questions:
1. How can I love you best?
2. What are reasonable expectations as you grow into adulthood?
The only thing more difficult than shaping a sapling is shaping a whole garden full of different saplings. Gardening quickly becomes like a journey through a jungle! Parents with more than one child sometimes get confused when they treat different saplings in the same way; one may bounce back while the other snaps under the pressure. For example, two children can be given an identical consequence—let’s say, being sent to their rooms—for watching a program they’re not allowed to watch. One may stay in the room, depressed and sulking for hours on end, while the other may come up with something fun to do within five minutes, unfazed.
Somewhere between what we do as parents and what our young saplings make of our actions, something wonderful and unpredictable happens. We don’t always get the results we expect. Most of the time we get the opposite. But sometimes, to our astonishment, we get something much better than we deserve. Part of this mystery is the fact that temperament—our children’s and our own—plays a much bigger role in the dynamics of parenting than we often wish to admit.
When parents do not understand their own temperaments, or those of their children, they can feel confused and frustrated. When they communicate poorly, rub each other the wrong way, and act in a way that is insensitive to each other’s needs, a good relationship becomes almost impossible. These things happen just because we can’t figure out what makes the other person tick.
Parents with more than one child often testify to the fact that their children were different even before birth—one was restless; the other one calm. As babies, one was greedy and quick; the other was lazy and contented. As toddlers, one was a screamer and the other a whiner. As teenagers, one was happy to stay home, while the other was the center of attraction at each and every party. Learning what these unique traits mean can make the difference between a difficult parenting experience and a rewarding one.
I believe temperament is the innate tendency to develop in a certain way. It determines, among other things, a person’s likelihood of focusing on people or tasks, his or her budding as an introvert or extrovert, pessimist or optimist, thinker or talker, spectator or participant, leader or follower, individual or team player, agent of change or defender of the status quo, fighter or peacemaker. Temperament even predicts stress-management styles and one’s perspective on success.
I consider temperament to be the soul’s DNA. If one were to ignore temperament and raise all children the same, they could still display similar acquired behavior, but their spontaneous nature would still differ greatly. Let’s say you teach your children to put away their belongings after playtime. The kids may be equally neat, but one group may achieve this by blackmailing their brothers or sisters to help tidy up, while the second group may think of ingenious ways to hide dirty laundry or toys. The third group may put everything away perfectly in its proper place, while the fourth group may keep everything neat from the onset so that cleaning up is easy and simple. The natural way in which each child rises to the expectations of the parent will remain unique.
As parents, we can try to change a child’s natural temperament by molding a silly clown into a serious student or a shy wallflower into a student-body president, but they will be like tea bags—in hot water their true nature will come out. The silly clown will still show his red nose during stressful exam times, and the student-body president may need a few tearful minutes alone after her best speech to overanalyze what she could have said differently. Children will “remember” who they are subconsciously, and that basic nature will show up again and again in life, because it is inborn.
Below are two examples that show the necessity of knowing and cherishing the temperament of each of our children. They also illustrate how our own temperaments can trip us up when we assume that our children must think and behave the same way we do.
Example one: Two peace-loving parents lift up the baby blanket and there lies a wiggly, biting, obstinate little girl. They are scared and worried. However, they manage to keep her under control with discipline and, later in life, some medication to suppress her apparent hyperactivity and occupational therapy. They are very happy with the shape of their well-behaved, contented specimen. The moment she breaks away from their house and restraints, however, she bounces back to her own shape—rebellious and wild—and they can’t understand why. They have overlooked the essence of this young tree. They shaped her in a way that left her original weak spots intact alongside a few acquired strengths that aren’t even really hers.
If these parents had understood her nature, developed her positive traits, and improved on the challenging ones with compassion, then the outcome more than likely would have been a well-rounded, unique character. Her busy nature quite possibly could have developed into productivity and versatility, her hot-temperedness into determination and healthy competitiveness, and her obstinacy into creative leadership. Who knows?
Example two: Two driven, top-achieving parents lift up the baby blanket and there lies a contented bundle of peace. They can’t believe how much he can sleep! He walks too slowly. He doesn’t show enough interest in his surroundings. Eventually they get the little guy going with a firm shove and threats, and by enrolling him in every conceivable extracurricular activity. He complains that everything is boring and becomes pathetic when they push him too hard. After forcing him to do rugby, swimming, drama, gymnastics, and a foreign-language course, he announces he only wants to play chess. They’re astonished that he doesn’t want to be in the top ten of his class. How can somebody be happy with a C-average report card?
If only these parents had known what that sleepiness and contentment meant, they could have realized that this son of theirs would not have many passions in life. They could have wasted less time and money on activities that seemed meaningful to them. They would have known how debilitating to him the effects of their pressure were. They would have discovered the one thing he could focus on and excel at. Who knows what he would have achieved in life had they learned sooner to support him in that one thing—chess!
Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6 NASB
Proverbs 22:6 is not a promise that children raised in church will all go to heaven. How I wish it were! It is a promise that children trained according to the way that God has for them will not become lost in life. The phrase “in the way” used here is the word dar·kōw, which Strong’s Concordance defines as “the way” or “journey.” 2 It sometimes refers to God’s way but more often indicates a man’s way or journey, and even the evil plans of some (1 Kings 8:32). In that sense, it encourages parenting that takes into account a child’s unique life path.
According to the notes of renowned Bible scholar Albert Barnes, “in the way he should go” can also be translated “according to the tenor of his way,” as the Darby Translation of the Bible words this verse. Barnes writes:
The way he should go—or, according to the tenor of his way, i.e., the path especially belonging to, especially fitted for, the individual’s character. The proverb enjoins the closest possible study of each child’s temperament and the adaptation of “his way of life” to that. 3
A root word of dar·kōw is derek, which means “way, road, distance, journey, manner,” 4 as it appears in Proverbs 22:6 of the Orthodox Jewish Bible: “Train up a na’ar in the derech [road] he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
In his book Different Children, Different Needs, Charles Boyd explains how this interpretation by some scholars has led him to believe that we as parents should indeed ask ourselves: How is my child put together on the inside, and what does that predict about the life direction that he should follow? How should I raise him in the light of this? 5
I fully agree with the wording in the Amplified and Amplified Bible Classic Edition translations:
Train up a child in the way he should go [teaching him to seek God’s wisdom and will for his abilities and talents], even when he is old he will not depart from it. (AMP)
Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent], and when he is old he will not depart from it. (AMP CLASSIC)
These perspectives confirm my conviction that each sapling emerges from mom’s womb already bent in a certain way, and it can be dangerous if we try to “straighten” that natural bent according to our preferences. We run the risk of permanently damaging our sapling’s character. By doing so, we can easily break its branches and confuse the child’s sense of identity.
In both the Old Testament and the New Testament, the Lord announces births and gives parents the children’s names and callings (derek) at the same time so they can cooperate with the Lord in shaping their children according to each child’s unique purpose. It was not uncommon for parents to receive instructions beforehand on how to raise each of their children uniquely.
In the story of Samson’s birth in Judges 13, we read that the Angel of the Lord gave detailed instructions to Samson’s mother about her and Samson’s diet, as well as his hair and also his purpose: he would begin the deliverance of Israel from the hands of the Philistines (verse 5). Verse 8 tells us: “Then Manoah prayed to the LORD: ‘Pardon your servant, Lord. I beg you to let the man of God you sent to us come again to teach us how to bring up the boy who is to be born’” (NIV). It seems to me as if Manoah wanted firsthand instructions—he also wished for a manual! In verse 12 Manoah asked: “When your words are fulfilled, what is to be the rule that governs the boy’s life and work?” (NIV). He was to have a unique child with a unique calling, and he wanted to do what would be most appropriate. Why should we settle for anything less?
We cannot change the nature of our saplings by forcing and fiddling with them. We will not get a Samson if we grow our son’s hair. Grasshopper-and-honey sandwiches will not produce a second John the Baptist. We also won’t be able to change our children’s life course. We will, however, be able to make it more difficult or easier for them to find their passion, path, and purpose. We cannot change their inherent character, but we can impede or improve the development of their expression of that character. The Lord shapes the inside, and our task is to help the outside to match by disciplining in a way that suits each child’s nature.
In later chapters we will investigate in more detail how the Lord deals with His individual children in different ways that align with their natures. We can gain a lot from these examples and also recognize in them the biblical mandate for adapting the way we handle our children according to their unique natures.
Proverbs 22:6 deserves a closer look, because the what, the how, the where, and the why of parenting and discipline are implied in it.
What: train a child.
What does parenting entail? The phrase “train a child” is exactly what parenting is. Our instruction is not to control our child, but rather to prepare our child for adulthood by training him.
We will have to go through a lot of training sessions with our child. Think of a vine. It is “trained” to crawl up a trellis by putting support in place and by binding the tender stems to the supports. It’s pruned by cutting out wayward growth. The result is a good harvest, and good wine or sweet table grapes. Parenting is similar. We guide firmly and use restraints to help a plant grow toward its full potential. Painful pruning is applied to willful defiance. It means that we ought to create opportunities to teach our children everything from table manners to sound financial principles through intentional exercises. We can’t leave the learning to chance any more than a winemaker can hope the vine will grow upward by itself.
How: in the way he should go.
The phrase “in the way he should go” is the method. “Training” our children according to a strategic fertilizer regimen simplifies parenting. Each fruit tree has its own ideal pruning pattern, soil, and harvest time. And each has typical pests that need controlling. We can follow guidelines particular to each tree to prevent frostbite and to shield the young trees from overexposure, just as we do with young saplings. They also need enough of life’s realities—wind, sun, and rain—to become mature.
If we have a child who finds it difficult to sit still in church and who needs lots of challenges, we can venture a guess that he won’t be the kind of adult to sit still and accept the way things are. He is already showing us “his way”—active exploration. Training him in the way he should go probably shouldn’t involve threats or bribes to get him to sit quietly, to page through a children’s Bible, or to do puzzles. We’d do better to build in physical outlets before church and a surprise toy halfway through the service to keep him interested and occupied, as these resemble the strategies he will one day use to get through drawn-out meetings and to cope with situations that offer little in the way of excitement. Perhaps, for now, this young one is the ideal children’s church candidate, as there he can practice the skills that come with his design (physical and enthusiastic participation) and the purpose he is likely made for (inspiring change).
Where: to the place from which he won’t turn away.
Our primary responsibility as parents is to lead our children to Jesus, as He commands. From there we accompany and support them on the way to the places that the Lord will eventually reveal to them.
We can send our children toward the right destination only if we know what their natural, innate designs are. Few of us know this before their birth, and even in their infant years it may still be unclear, but if we pay close attention, we will soon be able to hazard a guess. Then we can work with the Lord in accompanying our children in fulfilling each one’s life purpose, without which they won’t be truly fulfilled.
Sooner or later, our children’s temperaments will show us where they are going—some will become pioneers in unknown fields of science (revealed by their insatiable urge to explore, their daring nature, and their experimental curiosity). Others will follow careers of discipleship or service (revealed by their compassion for people, caring actions, and willingness to comply). Some are on their way to leadership (as we can already see from their constant hunger for control and their influence over others). Spectators who seldom set foot on the playing field of life when they are children will likely become philosophers and critical thinkers. We may not necessarily like the direction our children are going, but our task is not to choose that direction for them. We shouldn’t underestimate the power of our own frame of reference. It can blind us to the value of our child’s life purpose when it differs a great deal from our own!
Why: so when he is old he will not turn from it.
How do people lose direction in life? Remember, this scripture does not refer to the way to heaven. It refers to the way your child will go according to the direction indicator God has created in him. People lose their way if they ignore their direction indicator long enough. Not only that, but they may also lose their identity, their zest for life, their faith in the meaning of life, and all their joie de vivre.
The loss of one’s inborn direction is similar to the loss of magnetism. A compass needle points to the magnetic north in the same way our temperament points us toward our life’s calling. When other people rub us the wrong way with their “strong magnets,” we can become “demagnetized.” They may do this by saying that we could not possibly want to be the way we are and by insisting that we change. Many people have become paralyzed in exactly this way.
As parents, we try our best. We don’t crush and disfigure our saplings on purpose. Many parents believe that saplings are broken by strict discipline and punishment. I believe it happens in many different ways, whenever our actions—including unreasonable punishment—deny, or attempt to distort, the innate nature of our child. Unfortunately, we sometimes unknowingly do this because we have an ideal in mind; we may think that there is such a thing as a perfect tree (perfect child, perfect wife, or perfect husband).
Let us beware and beware and beware of having an ideal for our children. So doing we damn them.
D. H. Lawrence, Fantasia of the Unconscious
Of course, children lose their way not only by pursuing the wrong callings but also by being on the wrong moral track in life. Every child’s innate weaknesses reveal the most likely temptations that could make him lose his way. If we discipline our children with this perspective in mind, they will be more steadfast and resilient than children who were raised according to a standard “training program.” We may have learned that our daughter’s temperament puts her at risk of sexual experimentation; therefore, we pay more attention to her clothing, friends, and movie role models than to her math score. Or maybe our child, owing to his temperament, tends to twist the truth as a way of keeping his image as perfect as possible in the eyes of other people. We will emphasize the far more serious consequences of breaching someone’s trust than making a few spelling mistakes in an essay. Building their defenses in the areas of their greatest vulnerability will do far more good than ticking off a list of “good” behaviors.
The ideal outcome of parenting is, therefore, so much more than just teaching children to follow their parents’ example meekly. Instead, the aim should be to accompany children on their God-given paths so they might reach their own best destinations. God’s plan for us and our children is ultimately for us to follow Him, and to encourage the generations down the line to do the same. If we drag our children with us on our course, we can take them further away from what God planned for them and miss the important teaching moments that are unique to their journeys. Their paths have to differ from ours because God doesn’t clone people. A more detailed study of our own and our children’s temperaments will help us tremendously in understanding this, and that is what the rest of this book will focus on.
I have created a personality indicator loosely based on the fourfold classification of Hippocrates because it has been researched throughout the ages, because many esteemed sources support it, and because several existing profiles correspond to it in principle. I have also studied personality, behavioral, and learning styles, because these are visible expressions of our invisible temperament. My colleague at Tall Trees, Annatjie van Zyl, contributed many insights through her own research. We have tested the profiles on many children over the years and are convinced that they add to the understanding of our saplings’ beautiful inherent designs. The culmination of our combined research is the Tall Trees Kids Profile, which uses temperament characteristics and behavioral traits to identify four distinct “tree types,” which can combine to form ten more hybrid tree types.
Understanding the four basic temperament types (chapters 4–7) will be enough for the parent who only wants to know how to handle a practical situation with a difficult two-year-old or “mold back into shape” a maverick tween. However, more than two-thirds of our children are combination types, hence the description of these “hybrid trees” in chapter 9.
I based this temperament profile on four tree types—a palm tree, a rose bush, a boxwood tree (sometimes called a topiary or lollipop tree), and a pine tree—because trees represent life, growth, potential, and beauty. Rose bushes come in many varieties, as do palm trees, boxwood trees, and pine trees. I want to acknowledge that we and our children can be unique and surprisingly different even within our types. Two pine trees may seem dissimilar because one exhibits only half of the characteristics of a pine tree while the other exhibits the other half of the typical traits.
When working with temperament indicators, there is no ideal profile. I disagree with books that encourage anyone to prefer a “well-rounded” profile that includes all four basic personalities. I do, however, agree that we should all take our weak points to Jesus so that His character can become more visible in us. He changes us through His Spirit as He sees fit by affording us the right opportunities to be shaped according to our purpose. We won’t necessarily learn what we want, but what the Lord deems essential.
Sanctification through the Holy Spirit is not the same as equalization. We won’t all become alike and representative of an “ideal person.” Quite the opposite happens: we become “holier” in the sense that we become even more clearly “set apart”—each for a special purpose. Maturity then becomes the state in which our true selves emerge with fewer of the natural weaknesses and more of the natural strengths, operating in a way that blesses others and glorifies God.
Thus, the ideal temperament for each person is the temperament that best suits that person’s purpose in life. And by the grace of God, we don’t need to design this—we have received it as a gift. To be a “type” is not a bad thing if you are exactly the right “type” for the task at hand! Our innate temperaments find expression in sincere character—our own and that of our young saplings.