In this chapter:
Did you skip the introduction and chapters 1 and 2 because you only want to know which type of tree your child is? If you did, I strongly recommend that you go back and start reading from the beginning. No technique, strategy, or profile can help you discipline your child if your heart is not with your child. Children have to be fully convinced of their parents’ unconditional commitment and love; otherwise, their behavior will become so problematic that no discipline or temperament-specific quick fix—however appropriate or clever it may be—will have the desired result.
Love is the melody of a happy family, and discipline is the harmony. Together they make beautiful music. Unless discipline springs from a well of loving commitment, the music will be off-key. Please read the first chapter to make sure that unconditional love is your focus and that your aim is better understanding—firstly so you can love better, and secondly so you can discipline wisely.
So this is my prayer: that your love will flourish and that you will not only love much but well. Learn to love appropriately. You need to use your head and test your feelings so that your love is sincere and intelligent, not sentimental gush.
Philippians 1:9–10
And isn’t that what life is all about—the ability to go around back and to come up inside somebody else’s mind, to look at the … wonder and say: “Oh, so that’s how you see it?! Well now, I must remember that!”
Ray Bradbury, Dandelion Wine
Before you complete the Tall Trees Kids Profile, please look at its aim again: the goal is to understand better so we can shape our saplings for their purpose. This background on temperament will give us perspective. In fact, perspective is what it is all about. We want to “enter” our children’s heads, “look around” inside, and learn more about the way they experience life.
When you have completed the profile for each of your children and for yourself, the next step will be to read the chapter on each tree type that corresponds best with your children and you. It would be beneficial to familiarize yourself with all the tree types because we sometimes see our children from our own frames of reference. That is why it’s so important to determine our own profiles as well! A slow child may seem even slower to a fast-paced parent, and a strong-willed parent will probably experience any resistance from his child more intensely.
Also, sometimes a child’s true character develops slowly, or we are slow in getting to know our introverted child. Therefore, it is valuable to get to know all the tree types.
Please be mindful of the following guidelines:
There are many characteristics that do not appear in the profiles. Any profile is a selection of characteristics that are typical and central to the personality type. Because they can never be exhaustive, it is possible to get an inaccurate or incomplete picture. The picture scenarios for the preschoolers to tweens and the indicators included in the profile tests for the babies and toddlers have been researched and clarified repeatedly. If, however, the score classifies your child as a particular tree but the description in the corresponding chapter or report doesn’t feel right to you, there may be a rare mismatch between the test’s specific combination of core characteristics and your child’s combination of primary traits. Don’t blindly follow the manual for that tree in such cases. Instead, read the chapter on each tree type and the hybrid trees to broaden your perspective until you feel you have a grip on who your child is and what she needs.
Temperament is present and programmed artfully even before birth. 6 If we know what to look for, we can sometimes recognize a baby’s profile within days of birth. However, when it comes to children, parents can be too close to see clearly. Illness, allergies, hunger, and other disruptions can make babies act opposite to their nature too. Have a look at these descriptions of babies and toddlers under eighteen months. Perhaps relatives and caregivers can add their two cents to complete the picture!
The Rose Bush baby and toddler:
The Palm Tree baby and toddler:
The Pine Tree baby and toddler:
The Boxwood Tree baby and toddler:
Almost all parents of two- or three-year-olds think their saplings are Rose Bushes. This is often a “false Rose Bush phase” (which can reoccur in the late teens). The will is strong at these ages, emotions are out of control, and language development is not adequate to express complex needs and feelings. Outbursts are the order of the day. In this phase of development, children start to form independence and an identity. They will start pulling away from you to explore their own influence on their surroundings. What may seem like disobedience is in fact a necessary developmental milestone! It is the worst time to try to determine your child’s profile accurately, but it is also the time when you most need guidelines for your child.
Here are a few ways to get a clearer picture of your toddler’s tree type at this stage:
For one week, make notes of the type of outbursts your toddler has.
Typical Rose Bush: Rage and violence—intense and long lasting. The outburst feels like an intentional attack on you and elicits your anger. It is the typical temper tantrum, usually brought on by something you did or expected your child to do that didn’t suit him, or by you saying no to your child.
Typical Palm Tree: Melodrama (acting)—stops when your child is ignored. The tears are soon forgotten. Sometimes the outburst is comical and totally out of proportion to the situation. It leaves you confused, surprised, and sometimes even smiling! It is usually targeted at keeping your attention focused on your child.
Typical Pine Tree: Refusal and helplessness—this reaction won’t register on the Richter scale like the outburst of the Rose Bush, because it happens quietly. The little one just doesn’t want to cooperate and becomes paralyzed and stubborn as a last resort. Your child turns into a helpless, motionless bundle. You feel discouraged, impatient, or frustrated.
Typical Boxwood: Nags and moans—this, too, is a prolonged outburst, more draining than intense. It frazzles and exhausts you. It seems as if your child can’t shake the feeling. It is often triggered by something that hurt or disappointed your child. Your child seems more unhappy or overwhelmed than angry.
Jot down the message your baby’s or toddler’s actions convey most in the course of a week. Find the description below that agrees most with your child’s early words and behavior.
Typical Rose Bush: No! I will! Now! I can do it myself! Leave me alone! I won! Mine!
Typical Palm Tree: Look here! Come here! Look at me! Play with me! Wow! Hurrah!
Typical Pine Tree: I don’t want to. I can’t. Help me! Wait for me! I’m too tired. I’m too small.
Typical Boxwood: I’m scared! I don’t like it! It hurts! It’s not nice! It’s wrong! I feel sick!
For one week, observe the way your child plays.
Typical Rose Bush: Orders friends around, makes the rules, fights, competes, bullies, grabs, kicks, bites, tries to do everything quicker, higher, or better. Gets angry when things don’t go their way. Play can get rough and dangerous.
Typical Palm Tree: Doesn’t want to play alone. Prefers people to toys. Plays silly, imaginative, exuberant, and noisy games. Alternates quickly between different activities and toys. Easily gets bored with one thing, place, or friend.
Typical Pine Tree: Plays more “next to” friends than with them. Does not enjoy sharing toys and would rather be left to do their own thing. Pulls away from rough play. Responds to cries and needs of friends, though, and acts very caring toward them.
Typical Boxwood: Likes playing alone, in a corner, or with one friend. Gets upset when others do something wrong, break a toy, or threaten their personal space. Plays for hours on end with one thing—usually indoors, but when outside, plays mostly in one spot. Avoids noisy, rough friends. Can follow simple rules of a game from a very young age.
Pay attention to the types of circumstances that upset your child most.
Typical Rose Bush: confinement and the word no.
Typical Palm Tree: loneliness, hunger, and boredom.
Typical Pine Tree: overstimulation as a result of a very busy day or a long time in a busy environment.
Typical Boxwood: discomfort (for example, too hot or too cold) or unpredictable circumstances.
After a week, these observations should shed some light on your toddler’s true tree type. If they do not, read the manuals again, especially following the advice for a Rose Bush, and repeat the profile in six months’ time. You can still parent well without the label!
At Evergreen Parenting and Tall Trees Profiles, we are constantly refining the profiles and temperament tests for adults and children. The latest versions are available at talltreestraining.com.
After taking a test and accessing the Tall Trees Kids Profile on talltreestraining.com, your child’s result will direct you to the relevant chapters in this book. If your child’s profile corresponds with one of the four tree types, you’ll learn most of what you need from the chapters about that tree. If your child is a combination, you’ll find it helpful to read all the chapters related to your child’s result (for example, parents of Box-Pines should read both the Boxwood Tree and Pine Tree chapters) as well as the Box-Pine section in chapter 9, “Hybrid Trees.” Your child could be a mix of three tree types! In that case, the result would be what we call a Contra Tree. Contra-Palm means every tree except Palm Tree; a Contra-Rose has Boxwood, Pine Tree, and Palm Tree characteristics; and so forth.
Knowledge of temperament is like the oxygen mask in an airplane. When cabin pressure is lost, you ought to put on your own mask before assisting your children! We see our kids through the tinted lenses of our own tree types, so it is helpful to know what our tree types are.
You can determine your tree type for free by completing the Tall Trees Parenting Profile on the same website or app noted above. You can obtain a free result by following the directions on the site or app for a free test.
You will receive your instant result on screen and by email so you can always revisit your result, and the purchase of the complete individualized report is optional. (Note that purchasing my book (un)Natural Mom gives you a discount on this individualized parent report and contains more details about each type of mother or father.)