Read this chapter if your child tested Palm Tree, Box-Palm, Palm-Rose, Pine-Palm, or a combination of Palm Tee, Rose Bush, and Pine Tree called a Contra-Boxwood, as it is a mixture of every tree except Boxwood Tree. These trees are all in the Palm Tree family. Also read chapter 9 if your child is not a “pure” Palm Tree.
In this chapter:
To appreciate this tree type, you need to visualize a palm tree on an island—with coconuts hanging from the tree, ready to drop onto someone’s head, and monkeys playing around in the branches, ready for mischief. When the island music plays and the hula girls sway to and fro in their grass skirts, the palm trees sway in unison with them. They are at the center of every beach party. Etched against the sunset, they make us long for the next weekend or holiday. They are jovial, fun-loving trees far removed from the seriousness the rest of us possess. They proclaim from the rooftops, “Live for the moment! Enjoy the sun! Life is a feast!”
Palm Trees do not change much as they grow. The lower fronds dry up and the trunks grow taller, but the waving treetops stay the same. People with this temperament keep their childlikeness, joie de vivre, and sparkle to their dying day. In a certain sense they also just grow taller (and their toys get more expensive!). They can seem surprising, weird, and wonderful, from a different planet. They bring color to black-and-white situations, and their over-the-top humor can sometimes leave us gasping for breath.
Ruth is the eight-year-old daughter of Pine Tree mom Penny.
Ruth’s curly hair and bright eyes remind one of a comic-strip character. When she was four, her giggles and screams elicited regular knocking on the very thin walls between her parents’ apartment and the neighbors’. Her parents didn’t have the heart to ask her straight out to turn down the volume, because she was just too adorable. They were also wrapped around her candy-sticky little finger, as they felt too sorry for her to really get upset with her. Everyone just accepted that she was loud! Ruth’s baby photos showed pink gums and eyes crinkling with laughter. Her first word was “Wow!” Flipping through her baby album shows the astonishing number of her performances that were captured on film. There was the day when she decorated herself with Daddy’s shaving cream to “look like Santa Claus.” Then there was the beautiful photo of the time when she stormed onto the stage during her older sister’s school concert and started meowing with the cats into the microphone—complete with claws bared at the sides of her face.
One day Ruth got hold of her mom’s makeup, and when she was done with her face, she looked as if she had been in a serious accident. Ruth thought she was so beautiful that it was difficult to get her away from the mirror!
When Ruth is told to put away toys, it usually leads to another game or a long story. “The balls just told me they would rather sleep in the garden because it is too hot in the house.” If that doesn’t work, she becomes a character. “I’m a frog now. Frogs can’t see what blocks are.” Whenever her father has had enough of these delay tactics and raises his voice, she bursts out laughing at the serious face. This, of course, adds fuel to the fire. If Dad explodes, Ruth breaks into heart-wrenching sobs, and Penny has to come to the rescue. Mom cleans up the mess in the name of love and for the sake of sanity. It works every time. Ruth’s tears quickly dry up, and she runs off to wreak havoc elsewhere.
Ruth gets invited to the birthday parties of everyone in her class and secretly is the favorite grandchild of both sets of grandparents. She loves sharing hugs and kisses and says the cutest things.
At school, though, it’s a different story. When she was halfway through first grade, her parents received a shocking report: Ruth’s task orientation was below average for her age. She didn’t complete tasks, and her attention wandered. The school recommended that she be evaluated for attention deficit disorder and hyperactivity, and her teacher saw her as a good candidate for medication. Ruth’s parents were in a state over this. They know she is intelligent and creative. Why does she struggle with her schoolwork?
Ruth’s jovial nature allows her to get away with murder at times. She uses flattery, and her smile gets even the most hardened slave drivers to lower their standards to a level that she can reach. As she gets older, she will probably hand in assignments late, forget her sports gear at home, and lose a pair of shoes at least once a year; but she’ll explain everything so well that those who listen to her will clearly understand it wasn’t her fault.
When Ruth starts junior high school, her father could have a hard time. The big challenge comes as Palm Tree hormones kick in. It won’t even help to buy the proverbial shotgun to keep the young men at bay, because Ruth won’t necessarily bring them home. It may be the boys who need protecting. She will probably spend a lot of time away from home, hanging out elsewhere with a large group of friends. Her social needs may seem excessive to her parents, and they may lie awake many a night wondering what she is up to, praying she’ll be able to resist peer pressure and the urge to do everything that feels good.
There are also the issues of hair, clothing, and jewelry. With a Palm Tree, one should expect a colorful journey to self-discovery!
People will probably say many of these things to her someday:
In your child’s Tall Trees Kids Profile Report, his or her unique set of needs will be listed as the Palm Tree’s “Fertilizer.”
1. Applause and the spotlight: If the families of young Palm Trees don’t appreciate them, they may go after the approval of others, often with disastrous consequences. We’d be wise to applaud the loudest and give the most attention if we want to keep our Palm Trees close to us! Allow them to perform, and reward them with age-appropriate certificates, medals, trophies, and other visible proofs of success for everything they achieve. Who says we can’t celebrate their first permanent tooth or first pimple while we’re at it! Use any milestone as an opportunity to show them that you’re paying attention.
2. Lots of hugs, kisses, touching, and pampering: Palm Trees are very aware of their senses and feel love much better than they can hear it! Sometimes they just want to be tickled, wrestled with, or given a pat on the back. But their need for physical contact stays with them throughout their teens. Because these saplings are most likely to get involved in physical relationships with the opposite sex, we give them a valuable advantage when we fulfill this physical need with constant affection.
Baby girls are picked up, played with, cuddled, and kissed about five times as much as baby boys (which could explain why so many young boys have five times more learning and behavioral problems than young girls). The younger the boy, the more he needs this pampering. Boys need hugs until they are at least seven or eight years old, and after that they obviously need other forms of touching, such as wrestling. Parents tend to pamper their children less and less as they get older. However, girls’ need for physical contact, especially with their fathers, peaks at eleven! 7
3. Acceptance of unusual characteristics, ideas, and behaviors: Palm Trees often become pioneers, inventors, and explorers thanks to their curiosity and unique perspectives. If we fuel their strange ideas rather than extinguish them, we might be doing the whole world a favor.
At age three, Palm Tree Liam refused to go to school wearing matching shoes. Always a flip-flop on one foot and a rain boot on the other. After a week of this, his mom got a few messages from some frustrated mothers saying that their sons also wanted to wear this new mismatching-shoe style to school. This trendsetter Palm Tree was operating in his gifting—influencing people!
4. Humor and a positive attitude: Palm Trees can’t handle pessimism well. They tend to flee a home where the atmosphere is serious and negative. They will also withdraw if treated with too much criticism and suspicion. It works better to broach serious subjects with a joke rather than a long face.
You can use fun games, rhymes, or songs to teach Palm Tree preschoolers table manners and how to do tedious chores, such as tidying up. Our family had a pink plastic pig who addressed bad manners at the dinner table. His name was Oh-Oh. If someone chewed with an open mouth or put his knife in his mouth, the one who first noticed this could put Oh-Oh in front of the guilty party’s plate. Instead of announcing bath time with a watch in your hand, you could make a face and say, “I can smell it’s bath time for someone’s feet!”
5. Flexible structure and routine: Because Palm Trees are not naturally bound to time and order, it makes little sense to link routine events like bath time and bedtime strictly to the clock. One should rather focus on the sequence: Before you can watch television, you must first tidy your room; as soon as you have finished eating, it’s time to brush your teeth. Change up chores now and then to give Palm Trees the variety they crave. My Palm Tree friend claims she loses all her creativity because of what she calls “routinitis”—a condition she has on weekdays when she needs to operate on the clock. Your young Palm Tree can possibly identify.
6. Opportunities to be creative and original: This means telling them what to do but leaving how to do it up to them. If a Palm Tree decides not to make his bed in the traditional way today but rather to roll up his blankets and sheets like sausages and arrange them in a row on the bed, let it be. At least the bedding is not strewn on the floor! Also, give him the opportunity to develop his entrepreneurial skills and natural sales talent.
7. Fun and laughter: The way to a Palm Tree’s heart is through fun. Our relationships with them depend on our ability to accommodate this. We simply have to make time to take part in their favorite activities when they ask us to, or allow them to go and play, play, play—in an appropriate environment, of course. Facilitate fun under your own roof so you can supervise these kids yourselves (and consequently become familiar with the quickest route to the ER).
8. Fantasy: This need is especially prominent in young Palm Trees. They want to hear lots and lots of stories and have your attention when they tell you about their own adventures—especially those that never really happened. Don’t pass these off as fibs or punish them for telling tall tales until they’re nine or ten. Rather, tell them that you enjoy their stories, appreciate their jokes, and love their interesting tales.
Five-year-old Sjanica is the proud owner of a large imagination, always making her own world more exciting. Old songs get new rhythms and lyrics. She can give a silly creature—a combination of a shopping cart, opossum, and cockatoo—a species name in seconds. She drew a makeshift person on her car seat, and when her mom asked why she had drawn on her chair, she answered without batting an eye, “So I won’t be lonely. Now I have a friend!”
9. Time to be social: Palm Trees get snappy and negative when they don’t spend time with friends. They also thrive on family vacations, playdates, and other gatherings. They practice their God-given people skills at these events. This is their way of getting to know themselves—by seeing their reflection in other people’s eyes. We’ll delay their journey to adulthood if we keep them cooped up.
Sjanica keeps telling her parents that she’s nervous she won’t make any friends. Meanwhile, her teacher says she’s a popular girl who has several friends in her own grade and older friends wrapped around her little finger. She calls herself “Snuggle Bug” and lives up to her title: ten minutes into a new friendship and she’s dishing out hugs.
10. A stimulating environment and action: Palm Trees begin to act up when they get bored. Their attention span is usually short, and they dislike sitting still for long periods or being subjected to one compulsory activity.
On her first day of first grade, Carli expected “big school” to be an exciting place. As she hopped into the car after school, though, her face fell. “Mom, I was so excited! But everyone is wearing the same dresses and shorts. Everyone looks the same, Mom! It’s a mess. I can’t find anybody because they all look the same. And the playground is way too small. I want to go back to kindergarten; there’s more play space there. You know, Mom, if you were me, you’d be just as confused and frustrated. That many children makes a person feel hopeless, Mom. So, I just sat on the ledge and watched everyone else play.” She sighed and finished with, “It’s the day I’ve been waiting for, for years, but now I’m just looking forward to putting on different clothes after school.”
11. Permission to be passionate: Palm Trees come up with many far-out pursuits. When a Palm Tree is determined to shatter the world record in water treading, it’s difficult to share his enthusiasm, but if he doesn’t constantly have something to get excited about, his passion for life could grow faint. We should make an effort to fan this enthusiasm rather than smother the flame. The next bandwagon is on its way!
12. Space to experiment with their physical appearance: Palm Tree preschoolers love television characters and superheroes. The boys may want to live in their Superman outfits for weeks on end. The girls also choose role models and fashion their hair or clothes accordingly. In their tween years, they start experimenting wildly with fashion and personal style. We can speed up the process by waiting patiently, or delay it by giving negative feedback on every experiment.
Our Palm Trees have to be trained:
1. To spend (and save!) money and time sensibly: Palm Trees could start off with little money, early curfews, and short periods in front of the television or computer, then learn, step by step, how to be increasingly responsible with their time and money. They must be given more rope only after they have proved to be trustworthy and responsible. We train them for real life when we give them enough money to let them experience the thrill of the buy and the sting of being wasteful.
2. To persevere with boring chores: This is obviously very difficult if fun is their credo! Our efforts won’t go to waste if we equip our Palm Trees with the necessary skills to triumph over boredom with perseverance. When Palm Trees are young, we can already teach them to turn chores into games and focus their attention on something pleasant while their hands are doing tedious tasks.
3. To take responsibility for their own duties: Palm Trees often subcontract other people to do undesirable work and solve their problems for them. Our son once said to his sister, “If you fetch my sandals from the jungle gym for me, I’ll feel so good about you!” However, this behavior can become an integrity issue if we don’t teach them that they may not use their charisma to shirk responsibility. There are times when they need to face the music themselves.
4. To defer satisfaction and wait their turn: Palm Trees can become impatient when they don’t get attention immediately. It’s always their turn. When their impulsiveness shows every now and again, remorse usually comes too late. We wish they could think before acting, and that is exactly what we need to teach them! Try to create opportunities where your Palm Trees have to wait. Don’t place their breakfast in front of them the moment they open their eyes in the morning.
When they want to say something and you’re on the phone, let them sit nearby on a “waiting mat” until you have finished talking. Give them your full attention as soon as you’re ready.
Often play games that involve taking turns with your Palm Trees, as well as board or card games where even more frequent turns are taken.
When Palm Trees impulsively hurt other children who hurt them, have them sit out a few rounds and demand that they apologize before permitting them to rejoin the game.
Don’t allow them to corner you with their impulsivity. When a Palm Tree storms into the room shouting, “I should have been there already! I am going to the movies with Anne, okay? Please say yes, please? The movie starts in ten minutes!” it is hard to put the brakes on the runaway train, but we have to do it. Urgency puts undue pressure on the parent. That is not the way to ask permission.
5. To be serious when necessary: We have probably all experienced Palm Trees who can ruin a quiet, serious atmosphere. What do they do just as the solemn sermon reaches its peak on a Sunday morning? They burp, or worse! They become unsettled by seriousness. However, seriousness is a component of respect and must be acquired.
6. To practice skills and do chores, even when they aren’t fun: Three-year-old Palm Tree Lizemarie refused to eat her oatmeal by herself and wanted her mom to feed it to her. Mom explained that to be a good mother she needed to let her daughter sit at the table and eat her own food. Lizemarie flopped onto the couch, wearing a dashing smile, and said, “Mommy, be a bad mommy and feed me!”
From an early age, these saplings must learn to complete age-appropriate chores before they can do any “fun” things. Expect your preschoolers to straighten their beds or put away their pajamas before they are allowed to start playing in the morning.
Be patient if they forget to do certain things. Instead of accusing them of not doing a good job, you may ask, “Can you think of one of your chores you still need to do?” Create visual clues that can help them remember, such as putting a picture of a dog on your child’s door if she forgets to feed the dog.
7. To say no to peer pressure: Palm Tree preschoolers worship their parents as heroes. Then one day they decide their friends are their heroes, and the parents are ignorant and old fashioned. For this reason, you really must have the first basic chats about sex, drugs, pornography, alcohol, inappropriate movies, occult games, and other evils while you are still wonderful and clever in their eyes.
Challenge your Palm Tree to apply his influence and convictions positively. Ask questions such as, “What can you do to help your friends when someone dares them to lift up a girl’s skirt?” or, “Who would you tell if you see a friend buy pills from someone?”
Have frequent debates about values, rules, and important life choices with your older Palm Tree child. To a yes-person like your Palm Tree, the no you want him to say will come only after much practice.
8. To think ahead and plan accordingly: If one is wired to live for the moment, planning ahead is painful, but we adults know how essential this skill is. Our Palm Trees will most likely become entrepreneurs. All the wonderful ideas will come to fruition only if we have taught our Palm Trees to plan for the future and see beyond the horizon. They can draw a simple picture plan or jot down broad strokes. For a Palm Tree, that’s already something!
Our Palm Trees learn best:
How does God speak to Palm Trees?
If you TELL a child to do something, expect obedience; if you ASK a child to do something, expect an opinion.
Ronald Morrish, Secrets of Discipline for Parents and Teachers
The apostle Peter was a classic Palm Tree, and we can learn a lot from these key passages where Jesus and Peter have two important conversations.
Jesus replied, “Blessed are you, Simon son of Jonah, for this was not revealed to you by flesh and blood, but by my Father in heaven. And I tell you that you are Peter, and on this rock I will build my church, and the gates of Hades will not overcome it. I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven; whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven.” Then he ordered his disciples not to tell anyone that he was the Messiah. From that time on Jesus began to explain to his disciples that he must go to Jerusalem and suffer many things at the hands of the elders, the chief priests and the teachers of the law, and that he must be killed and on the third day be raised to life. Peter took him aside and began to rebuke him. “Never, Lord!” he said. “This shall never happen to you!” Jesus turned and said to Peter, “Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God, but merely human concerns.”
Matthew 16:17–23 NIV
When they had finished eating, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?” “Yes, Lord,” he said, “you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my lambs.” Again Jesus said, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” He answered, “Yes, Lord, you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Take care of my sheep.” The third time he said to him, “Simon son of John, do you love me?” Peter was hurt because Jesus asked him the third time, “Do you love me?” He said, “Lord, you know all things; you know that I love you.” Jesus said, “Feed my sheep.”
John 21:15–17 NIV
Jesus uses Peter’s name repeatedly to make sure He has his attention (John 21).
Jesus warns Peter against a carnal perspective and candidly points out his weaknesses (Matthew 16:23; John 18:11).
Jesus repeats important things that He wants Peter to grasp (John 21:15–19). Palm Trees are quick to answer and speak impulsively. Maybe that’s why Jesus asked Peter three times whether he loved Him, because Jesus wanted an honest answer straight from the heart, not idle words.
Jesus blesses Peter, talks to him in colorful pictures, and gives him a vision for his future and calling (Matthew 16:17–19).
How should we talk to our Palm Trees?
Keep the following principles in mind to ensure your Palm Tree hears you:
Address Palm Trees directly. This means you have to say their name, even touch them while you speak, and expect them to answer you, “Yes, Dad. Yes, Mom.” Palm Trees sometimes seem to have poor attention spans because they seldom do what you ask the first time around. Ask them to repeat the instruction you gave so that you can be certain they remember.
Use humor as often as possible. “I see you’ve tried to make your bedroom floor disappear! Please make it reappear before your friends come around” will work better than “Please clean up your mess before your friends see what a slob you are.”
Communicate emotionally rather than rationally, and more personally than theoretically. For example, “I’m not surprised they chose you for the part! I’d love to be in a play with you too!” works better than “You deserved the role. You remembered your words and your impersonation was spot on.” Keep it short, because most Palm Trees can focus for only a short while.
Require eye contact from Palm Trees while you speak, because they may very well be focused on something else already.
If you have to correct them, be honest but sensitive and do it in private. They want to save face.
Beware of a negative or sarcastic tone. Palm Trees hear every nuance, and should you raise your voice, they are likely to hear anger in your tone and completely miss the message.
Be expressive when praising Palm Trees. Be specific about the person rather than the achievement. “I can’t tell you how much I enjoyed watching you play today! You played with such passion!” instead of “Your game was excellent. You made use of every opportunity because you were placed just right on the field.”
Nothing lights up Palm Trees’ enthusiasm quicker than statements such as, “It has never been done that way. It might be impossible. I would love to see you try.”
In summary:
How can we listen to our Palm Trees better?
Lower yourself to their level, look them in the eyes, and touch them.
Listen with your whole body. Smile, react, comment, and laugh with them, and share your stories as well. They enjoy it when you align with their stories.
Enjoy their imagination. Understand their need to be colorful, and let the story entertain you even if the details aren’t factually true.
Respect their ideas when they share their dreams with you. Be supportive, even if you think it’s crazy.
Talking is like breathing to them. They need a sounding board. Therefore, try not to silence them unnecessarily. They easily experience this as rejection.
Listen carefully for manipulation, because these Palm Trees can masterfully disguise a sharp arrow aimed craftily at your soft spot. You need not get angry, but be firm when they start negotiating for an answer different from the one you’ve given.
Anyone who thinks the art of conversation is dead ought to tell a child to go to bed.
Robert C. Gallagher, Destiny: A Journey of Discovery and Awakening
Each tree type has its own pruning and watering needs. These approaches work the best with Palm Trees:
1. Distractions and alternatives: Their attention can be like a butterfly’s path over flowers—only touching down, never really sitting tight. If a one-year-old is screaming at the top of his voice because you stopped him from eating the whole chocolate cake, you can possibly divert his attention by amusing him with a hand puppet and a funny voice.
If you must tell a Palm Tree, “You are not allowed to …” follow up with, “but you may …” Alternatives help Palm Trees make a better choice. If we don’t offer a substitute, they will go back to the undesirable behavior, because they can’t sit around doing nothing.
2. Physical consequences (pain or pleasure): Palm Trees are one of two tree types that react well to such consequences. They don’t usually take it personally and don’t feel offended. They definitely don’t always obey after the first punishment, but with consistent follow-up, the lesson does dawn on them! Remember, they are optimists! They think, Oh, she got me this time! It was merely bad luck. I’ll have another go at it!
Three-year-old Palm Tree Emil is an example of this optimism. He emptied a whole bottle of shampoo into the shower so he could skate around on the slippery surface. His mom remained calm, swiftly removed him to safety, then told him they wouldn’t be able to make their usual weekly trip to buy candy, because they would have to use the treat money to replace the shampoo he poured out. He cried rivers, and she thought the lesson was learned. She replaced the shampoo, and sure enough, Emil enjoyed another slip-and-slide shower that very evening. It will clearly require a more painful consequence before he is willing to give up the newfound, dangerous thrill. His mom may decide that a spanking for repeating the “game” is warranted, as it could save him from serious injury.
When a form of discipline doesn’t work the first time, parents too often regress to the only other weapon they can think of—shouting! These frustrated exclamations fall on deaf ears because Palm Trees are known to be hard of hearing. Loud appeals are of little value. Persevering with tangible consequences should really be our first choice. Tangible consequences include taking away treats (for another week, or three perhaps), removing their toys, restricting them to a boring spot, postponing playdates, switching off the entertainment screens, or canceling a fun outing.
Spanking has become unpopular, and not without reason. Unfortunately, many adults do not know the difference between being honored and being feared and therefore do not understand the difference between biblical discipline and abuse. If spanking is legal where you live, and you use it as a form of discipline, please read the addendum at the end of this book.
Before you level any form of punishment on your Palm Tree, ask yourself:
Sometimes gentle instruction, healthy food, a nap, or similar attention to the root cause of the behavior is more appropriate than punishment.
3. Exhaustion and overcorrection: Exhaustion (sometimes called elimination) implies forced extension of a behavior until a child becomes exhausted of it. For example, a child who bites has to apologize and comfort the victim, then has to bite into a clean towel ten times for five seconds each time to “exhaust” the biting. It doesn’t have the same satisfying effect for the biter to bite into the towel, and she realizes eventually that biting isn’t as much fun as she thought it was. At the same time, if the biting was a fight-or-flight response to sensory overstimulation, the repeated biting will calm the child’s physical frustration.
When we punish a child without insisting on the correct behavior, we haven’t taught our child anything!
Ron Morrish, Secrets of Discipline for Parents and Teachers
If the victim is a sibling, it works well to have a planned ritual for caring for the victim. My Palm Tree, after biting his sister, had to rub ointment on the bite mark (which would be virtually invisible by that time), help put on a bandage, and rub her back for five minutes because she particularly liked back rubs. When the little guy resisted, we simply insisted firmly that everything be done. He soon decided it wasn’t worth his while to bite, and he stopped doing it.
Exhaustion also works well with habits such as nail biting. For example, every time the little guy bites his nails, he has to wash his hand with soap, scrub his nails with a nail brush, and brush his teeth thoroughly to make sure all germs from his hands are killed.
Overcorrection is based on almost the same principle. It implies the repeated practice of the correct behavior every time incorrect behavior appears. Palm Trees’ aversion to repetition makes this especially effective with them. Suppose your young child doesn’t come when you call him. He will have to practice coming when called. He should listen to you calling him and quickly come running from ten different spots in the house. This stops being funny after the second or third exercise and leads to dramatically improved “hearing.” Keep it up until you reach the tenth time, then say, “We’re just practicing to make sure you come immediately next time I call you.” The tween who slams a door could be required to close it softly four or five times to “learn to make it click rather than bang.”
4. Immediate consequences: Palm Trees should not be made to feel like they are “awaiting trial.” Take immediate action, unless you have a gawking audience of strangers who could make your Palm Tree mistake the situation for a stage. Bring the curtain down first! Don’t wait until Dad comes home or until you can have a word with your child’s teacher. Also, immediately praise Palm Trees for exemplary behavior. The younger they are, the more important this is. Older kids can talk about yesterday’s mischief and learn in retrospect.
5. Loss of or increase in social privileges: A Palm Tree is probably the only tree type for which time-out will yield desirable results. He won’t think about his misbehavior, but he will experience a lack of attention and sympathy. Establish clear rules: he is not allowed to call from his time-out spot asking when time is up; he may not participate in any way in what others are doing. Create a time-out spot in a safe place away from all the action, excitement, and people. If a Palm Tree gets time-out on a chair in the front of a class, for example, it will only be a huge reward for him, because everyone’s attention is focused on him and he has the entire stage to himself.
Palm Trees can be punished or rewarded effectively by being grounded or granted extra visiting privileges. The privilege of going to a friend’s house or inviting friends over is a powerful incentive that will encourage Palm Trees to repeat the good behavior. Teenagers who don’t respect curfews should be prevented from attending social events to “pay back” the stolen time.
Palm Trees are all about social response. My Palm Tree toddler once got very good advice from his sister for all the times he was sent to his room: “No, man, you are crying the wrong way. You must cry facing the door!”
6. Loss of or increase in material privileges: One of the most effective incentives for Palm Trees is a new toy, and the biggest deterrent is the loss of a favorite toy. Palm Trees’ possessions are important to them even at a young age. Just think how proudly they want to show off their new toys at school! Cell phones, tablets, music players, and handheld game consoles are the “toys” that can be taken away from teens and tweens.
Money is often important to Palm Trees—especially when they become teenagers—because it is synonymous with social potential. With money, Palm Trees can buy fun, popularity, fashion, social standing, and gifts for others. With little money, they can’t follow the latest trends or spoil their friends. Consequently, they react well to increases or decreases in their allowances.
7. Visible rewards: Palm Trees are thrilled with a display of certificates, medals, and trophies. A weekly trophy placed in front of the table setting of the sibling with the best table manners can do wonders to motivate a Palm Tree preschooler.
The word train in Proverbs 22:6 has a rich meaning. It indicates that we are in for a long journey of instructing and motivating our kids. Here are suggestions for shaping our Palm Trees effectively:
1. We need to be serious about the behavior we want to teach our children, and willing to invest time and energy in the effort. We will not succeed without commitment.
2. We need to make sure our children truly know how to do the right thing. Do they really know how to make their beds, or are the beds still unmade because we haven’t helped them with clear instructions and patient coaching?
3. We need to determine whether our children have become despondent because we didn’t notice and reward the progress they have already made, even if it was only marginal. When we are grounded in the principles of commitment, realism, and positive focus, we will be able to change their behavior much quicker and with fewer tears!
If we think all negative behavior can be “disciplined away,” our parenting becomes very negative.
Another mistake we can make is trying to achieve too many goals at once. Palm Trees need to be “coached” in a focused way and with lots of praise if we want to see permanent results.
Whoever wants to reach a distant goal must take many small steps.
Helmut Schmidt
The following plan to change behavior can be used effectively with Palm Trees. Begin by making three lists in the following table of things you want to work on.
|
To Do Less |
To Do More Often |
Doing Great! |
What does my Palm Tree do too often or incorrectly?
Write down things like: uses swear words, bites nails, hits sister, spits on other children, jumps on the furniture, sneaks cookies, uses up cell phone minutes within the first week of each month.
What does my Palm Tree do too infrequently or not at all?
Write down examples: doesn’t pick up clothes from the floor, doesn’t greet people by name, doesn’t do chores around the house, doesn’t eat vegetables, doesn’t hand in school assignments on time.
What does my Palm Tree do right or often enough?
List things like: eagerly helps father in the garden, plays with the dog, comes immediately when called, goes to sleep without putting up a fight, has good manners. This third list is essential. Don’t only nag about everything that is wrong; also focus on the good behavior, and give your child feedback or rewards every time he does the right thing.
Now rank each type of behavior according to how urgently you need to attend to it. Mark the highest priority with a 1, and so forth.
Choose only one thing from each list to start with.
Choose helpers. Grandma, a teacher, brothers, sisters, the babysitter, or your spouse can help by all expecting the same behavior (for instance, jumping on the trampoline instead of the furniture, and eating some veggies) from your child when they are in his presence. All can affirm his good manners.
Decide on a realistic time frame for each goal, and make sure it is a suitable time to work on this type of behavior. It may not be a good idea to try to teach your child saving skills during the December holidays. Examples: two weeks to learn to hang up the wet towels after bath time, or practicing for a month to get school assignments done on time.
Think about the behavior in the first column. Why does the Palm Tree do it? Ask, how can I take away the rewarding element? How can I ensure in a justified, meaningful way that the behavior will have negative consequences? Which behavior should replace it? How can I reward the desired behavior once my child starts behaving well?
For example, the fun he gets out of jumping on the furniture can be replaced by jumping on the trampoline. If he still chooses the sofa, he can’t sit on the comfortable furniture during TV time; he gets a wooden chair instead. Choose rewards for the right behavior that will be highly motivational to your child’s specific nature. For example, when he plays on the trampoline, take a snack out to add to the fun.
Take another example, a child who nags for an extra story before bedtime. If you usually give in, that’s the reward. The nagging works. You’ll have to be firm and not give in once during the two-week period or longer. We practice going to sleep peacefully after one story. If my Palm Tree nags about it, the following night’s story will be taken away. If she goes to sleep peacefully, we will have story time the next night. If she can go to sleep without nagging for three nights in a row, there will be an extra story on night four. We count down the nights by putting up enormous glow-in-the-dark stars on the wall next to her bed. This way she will know how many nights of going to sleep peacefully are left before she earns an extra story. After the night with the extra story, we start counting from one again. There must be a realistic ceiling for the reward—a second story every fourth night.
Perhaps your teenager returns from social events long after curfew. It works because she doesn’t mind you shouting at her afterward—she has already had her fun! The reward is that the punishment weighs much lighter than the fun. So you might decide that during the next month she will lose 10 percent of her allowance for every half hour she is late. However, if she sticks to the curfew, you’ll increase her allowance by 20 percent. Connecting money to social events makes sense for a Palm Tree, especially in this context, because movies and pizza nights cost money.
Think about the behavior in the second list. Why doesn’t your child do what you want him to do? Ask, does my Palm Tree really know what I expect and how to meet my demands? Is the behavior I expect realistic given my child’s age and abilities? Should my child perhaps be trained more intensively before this behavior will work? How can I help my child rather than just evaluate how she is doing? Does she simply forget? If so, how can I help her remember? Patiently explain the new behavior that has to be acquired, practice it with your child, and give rewards until it becomes a habit. For example, involve him in preparing the veggies. Talk about the vitamins in different-colored foods. Have a “taste party” and try the veggies raw, steamed, and fried. Agree on a treat after dinner if he gets the desired portion of healthy food down tonight.
The child whose assignments are always late probably needs time-management skills, reminders on her phone or a calendar, and an incentive other than good grades.
Think about the behavior in the third list, and decide how you are going to reward it.
Hang a card on the back of your child’s door with the heading “Caught Being Good,” and write down spontaneous good behavior as soon as you notice it. Don’t restrict what you notice to what you’ve written on the table above. It’s very exciting for children to read a new positive comment every now and then, such as “Daddy noticed that you threw your banana peel in the trash without being asked!”
Jump in and follow through with your choices. Go through the lists often and make additions where necessary. Tick off the successes, and give yourself and your child a pat on the back for them. When you see a breakthrough in your child’s behavior, you may take credit for it, because parenting is sometimes a thankless task.
The Palm Tree’s most important journey is from superficiality and selfishness to deep and sincere love, because God often calls them to encourage, give abundantly, gather outsiders, and love all God’s people passionately. They are often worshippers who bring praise to God in creative and generous ways.
Your efforts with the following character-shaping aspects will be crucial. As you do them practically, pray that God will do the work from the inside out through His Spirit. We can shape behavior, but He makes the springs of living water that will flow from your Palm Tree’s heart.
Be patient and encouraging. These are the tough ones that take time. Fruit will come!
1. Choosing their friends with caution: Palm Trees are participants and joiners; therefore, of all the tree types, they are the most vulnerable to peer pressure. Some Palm Trees will do anything to promote their popularity. Our Palm Trees need to fine-tune their “friend detectors” and learn to look past appearances, because friends dressed in the latest fashion, those with the latest phone and funkiest hairstyles, are usually admired. We could expose them to older Palm Trees who have integrity so they could see that a person can be exciting and decent at the same time!
Become wise by walking with the wise; hang out with fools and watch your life fall to pieces.
Proverbs 13:20
2. Admitting mistakes and telling the truth: Palm Trees seem to be born with a law degree and can raise convincing arguments about everything. They use this ability to defer blame and to create reasonable doubt. We should regard this in a very serious light, because this is one of the big character flaws of the “unpruned” Palm Tree. Their honesty is crucial to their calling. It is all right to use exaggeration to entertain, but they need to know where the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth is an integrity issue. They are often the evangelists, and their most important message won’t be believed if the other words they say are half-truths.
The issue is how to know when they are lying, isn’t it? FBI profiler and interrogation expert Jack Trimarco names four signs that show that your child is most likely lying: 8
3. Avoiding impulsive words and actions: Palm Trees often feel remorse, though it usually comes much too late for the parents’ liking! Why do our children make these mistakes? Why don’t they think? They know what is right, but still they don’t do it! These are a few of the common complaints of Palm Trees’ parents. If we plan to help them attain responsible adulthood, we will have to ensure that our Palm Trees understand from a young age the consequences of irresponsible choices, especially of those impulsive actions that hurt others.
4. To listen to others: Palm Trees would rather speak than listen. If they never learn to give others the same opportunity, Palm Trees come across as being self-centered. To teach this principle of good listening, use an object at the dinner table, such as a salt shaker or serving spoon. The one holding it may speak, while all the others listen with their whole bodies: hold arms and legs still, face the speaker, and look him or her in the eyes. Once Palm Trees understand how gifted they are in the “people business,” they will want to listen more!
5. To be loyal: Palm Trees are sometimes fair-weather friends. They don’t mean to be nasty. They simply can’t see why they should keep on playing with someone who doesn’t buy them candy during break times or who doesn’t think up exciting games anymore. Palm Trees also have difficulty staying loyal to a team that loses or a school that seems boring. Infidelity has destroyed countless Palm Tree men and women of God. But they can learn to be in a relationship for what they can give to it, not for what they can get. Teaching loyalty, by expecting them to remain on a losing team until the end of the season or to visit a friend who is too sick to play fun games, for example, is a great starting point to prevent this from happening to your Palm Tree in adulthood.
Because a positive approach is essential with Palm Trees, here are a couple of exercises to help you identify what that approach looks like. For each statement made below, indicate which kind of statement it is, then “translate” it into a friendly, positive alternative:
Kinds of statements:
A: Accusations
P: Personal attacks
C: Criticism
N: Negative instructions
T: Threats
_____ “If you are not in the bathroom in five seconds, you are sure to get a spanking!”
_____ “What is wrong with you? By this time, one would think you would remember to flush the toilet!”
_____ “Look at this mess! You have once again not cleaned up your room.”
_____ “Don’t pick your nose. You won’t find any diamonds there.”
_____ “As usual, you’re late for school. You’re too slow to catch a snail.”
_____ “You are not allowed to sit on my couch when your feet are dirty.”
_____ “If you only listened when I warned you, Grandma’s expensive vase wouldn’t be broken now!”
_____ “This crying is nonsense. Stop it now, before I give you a reason to cry.”
It’s usually very simple to recast negative instructions in a positive way. Look at the examples of common instructions below, and then replace the rest. (Once you get into the habit of starting your instructions with something other than “Don’t,” it will have a huge impact on your parenting style!)
“Don’t eat with your mouth open.”
IMPROVEMENT: “Please close your mouth while you’re chewing.”
“Don’t splash water all over the bathroom floor.”
IMPROVEMENT: “Keep the bathroom floor dry, please.”
“Don’t drag your backpack.”
IMPROVEMENT: “__________.”
“Don’t pick your nose.”
IMPROVEMENT: “__________.”
“Don’t disobey me!”
IMPROVEMENT: “__________.”