BOUNCED CHECK BURRITO

MPB

Let’s talk about overspending!

I have been totally broke for plenty of different reasons: the relatable reason of being unemployed, and the entirely unrelatable reason of shopping too much. The latter is the one I’ll be discussing today. If I made a little money, I’d spend it. That movie Confessions of a Shopaholic is a biting drama and should have won an Oscar. Basically, shopping is my Xanax. Xanax is also my Xanax. Shopping on Xanax is my heroin. All this is to say that I am base-level fiscally irresponsible. I once got out of jury duty by flat-out saying, “I don’t understand how money works.” I dropped economics twice in college. I couldn’t pay attention to the class, just like I can’t pay attention to my own money, or rather I didn’t want to pay attention to my own money. And for a while I didn’t have to.

I had a very good mafia-style scheme working for me. I would write my rent check and then immediately go buy groceries for the week. The next day, the check would be cashed and I would go into overdraft for somewhere between twenty and forty-eight hours. I would spend no money during that time and it would be okay. Sure, I hadn’t gone even a month without being in overdraft, but I was eating and I had a place to live. Having bad credit was, to me, well worth living beyond my means. (Credit? What’s credit? Go buy Finance for Dummies. This is a cookbook.)

This was a bad plan.

Once, I was paying for my groceries at my local market when my credit card was declined. I didn’t believe it; there must have been something wrong with the machine. My plan was foolproof and also really smart and interesting. There was a line behind me and people were starting to get antsy, hissing and yelling slurs. Your basic Slytherin stuff. I begged the checkout girl to put everything aside and promised to come right back with another card. I’m a master at making salespeople feel sorry for me.

I went to the ATM, checked my account, and realized I was in overdraft and my plan had failed. I tried to take out cash anyway. Then I tried to take out cash from a three-year-old unemployment debit card I’d received in the mail. I didn’t want to believe it had come to this. Neither worked. There was also no other card. Given my terrible credit, I’d been denied an application for a credit card four times.

I got home, groceryless, only to find a note from my landlord. My rent check had also bounced, for the second month in a row. I called my bank. My account had been temporarily shut down and they were no longer willing to cover me. Since I’m often one to jump to terrible conclusions, to me, this meant the end of the world. It was a sign from the universe that I was unable to live on my own and would have to go into a rehab clinic for irresponsible entitled dumbasses. (Actually, I want to go there. But I can’t afford it.) Sadly, I couldn’t just jump to hysterics. I would have to pay my rent. So I used my histrionics to cry to my landlord. She sent me to the Russian owner of my building. Uncomfortable, he sent me to his wife. In tears, I begged her to give me more time. They gave me three weeks and I finally used three weeks’ worth of paychecks to cover my rent, plus the late fee. I also used my tears to go to the accounting department at work and ask for a month’s advance pay. (I know they say you shouldn’t cry at work, but sometimes you have to!)

There was a caveat, though. From that point on, I would have to pay my rent in cash. This meant absolutely no fun Ocean’s Eleven–style plan. It meant full responsibility and paying attention to my finances. Being boring and realizing that I had to take control of my life. Balancing my checkbook and whatnot. So I would have to find a new, responsible way of eating and spending my money. This burrito is that way. This could also be your Balancing Your Checkbook Burrito, ’cause that’s what I do while eating it.

I am aware that this story is not that bad. It’s more a story about avoiding things than anything else, but that’s what I’ve been known to be good at. Unfortunately, when it comes to your finances, you can’t avoid them. You have to deal with them if you want a place to live, food to eat, and a credit score that will get you a credit card, which at the time of publishing this book I was finally able to do. I’m sure it will be taken away from me any day, though.

SERVES 2

INGREDIENTS

½ cup uncooked long-grain white or brown rice

1 clove garlic, minced

1 teaspoon chili powder

¼ teaspoon salt, plus a pinch

¼ teaspoon pepper

1 (15-ounce) can black beans, drained and rinsed

2 large flour tortillas

¼ cup grated jack cheese

½ avocado, sliced

1 small tomato, chopped

¼ white onion, finely chopped

1 small bunch cilantro, finely chopped

¼ cup sour cream

Hot sauce (optional)

DIRECTIONS

• Combine the rice with 1 cup water, the garlic, the chili powder, and ¼ teaspoon each of salt and pepper in a small pot over high heat.

• Bring to a boil, then reduce to a simmer and cook, covered, for 20 minutes, or until fully cooked. Fluff with a fork and set aside.

• Meanwhile, heat the beans in a small saucepan with 2 tablespoons water. Add the pinch of salt and stir to incorporate. Set aside.

• To prepare each burrito, lay a tortilla on a flat surface and add a sprinkle of the cheese. Top with ½ cup cooked rice, ½ cup black beans, a few slices of avocado, and 2 tablespoons each of chopped tomato, onions, cilantro, and sour cream.

• Roll the tortilla tightly, making sure to tuck in the ends first.

• Heat a large, dry frying pan over high heat. Cook the rolled burrito for 1 to 2 minutes on each side to sear lightly. Cut in half and serve with hot sauce, if desired.

NOTE: We typically eat one of these right after we make it and freeze a second one to be microwaved later. You can also make a big batch and freeze them all, ensuring you are never without a hot, delicious burrito. To freeze, simply wrap the burrito in a paper towel or two and then tightly in aluminum foil, and stick it in the freezer. To heat, remove the foil and microwave the paper-towel-wrapped burrito on a microwave-safe plate for 2½ to 3 minutes, until heated through.