People say millennials are really narcissistic and too into themselves, but I don’t know what they’re talking about. I think we’re all great. And I think everyone is really interested in our feelings, and mine in particular. Don’t you agree?
On a recent trip home to visit my parents, I was complaining to them about how melancholy I felt. It was really getting in the way of my having a good time or enjoying myself at all. After about five to seven hours of charming whining, my dad had had enough. He got up from his desk chair, stopped his solitaire game (which he NEVER does) and said: “Stop paying so much goddamn attention to your moods! What’s wrong with you? Get a life!” I recoiled! First of all, Dad, “Get a life?” Come on, be cool! And second of all, I’m a perfect person with too many feelings! Sorry that you’re a repressed maniac!
Stop paying attention to my moods? Was he insane? Paying attention to my moods is my livelihood and also my absolute favorite thing to do. Is it a way to avoid moving forward or doing work? Certainly! But tracking my moods and keeping them in check is my number one priority. It comes before family, work, relationships, illness, and world peace! Anything at all!
For example, here is a day in my life:
6:30 a.m.: Wake up to pit in my stomach so deep and filled with so much neurosis that I know I simply cannot make it through the day. Also, sort of tired.
8:00 a.m.: See old man in my building put on a newsboy cap and go out for a walk. Feel the weight of both his and my own mortality on my shoulders. I am basically Atlas with the globe on my back.
10:00 a.m.: Receive a DM from an internet crush. Manically happy. Smiling so large I think it will erase every future wrinkle I’ve spent my whole life frowning onto my face.
11:30 a.m.: Get a compliment at work and feel good about it. Then immediately overstep boundaries and say something out of turn. Worry I have changed everyone’s opinions of me forever. I’m a fraud. I don’t belong in this career and everyone knows it. Eat approximately 18 peanut butter M&M’s.
1:00 p.m.: Having not spoken a word since the 11:30 a.m. incident, I’m no longer sure who I am or what I’m doing on this planet. Am depleted. I open my notes app on my phone and journal feverishly.
2:00 p.m.: There is hope. Crush DM’ed me again! Only, he wants the email address of the other girl in my profile photo. Sink deeper into despair. I am unlovable and defective.
2:30 p.m.: Am in my head and miss something at work. Someone else does a better job than I do. Rage, jealousy, eat 118 peanut butter M&M’s.
2:31 p.m.: I calm down. Everything will be fine.
2:32 p.m.: Realize thought at 2:31 p.m. was insane and resume feeling of impending doom.
2:33–5:59 p.m.: Period of numbness. Emotions are hard. Must dissociate.
6:00 p.m.: See dermatologist. She’s not at all thrilled about the improvements in my skin. It’s as though none of my accomplishments matter to anyone and I will never do anything of importance.
7:00 p.m.: Call mother on drive home. She asks if I’m in love or “happy.” I hang up on her and an overwhelming sense of nostalgia washes over me.
7:30 p.m.: Get home. Night is shot. My moods were too intense today. I can’t do any work or socialize now. I owe it to myself to eat 4,000 peanut butter M&M’s.
See what I mean? Wasn’t that cool? Wasn’t driving myself mad just, like, a really killer use of time?
If I’m going to pay that much attention to my moods, shouldn’t I also be eating specifically for them? And devoting even more time to figuring out exactly what emotion I’m experiencing at every moment and what food would pair with it too? Like food with wine. Eating for moods.
We’ve done the work for you! Please enjoy while you’re crying.—MPB