MY BOSS IS A BITCH BANANA BREAD

GLM & MPB

Hey guys, here’s a secret that you may not know. Miranda sure as hell didn’t know it until Gabi taught her, but banana bread is really fucking easy to make. It’s, like, the easiest thing on earth.

That is why it is the best thing to use to get back at your boss for being a total asshole or cunt. (Are we allowed to use the word cunt? We would never say it out loud, but it’s easier to bear in writing and it makes us feel empowered and edgy, like we’re young twin Patti Smiths.) (No, we hate it. Never use it.)

So you get home in a rage after being told your T-shirt is transparent and shows your bra. “Umm, that’s not my fault,” you say. “That’s Alexander Wang’s fault and the trickle-down economics of fashionable see-through T-shirts.” Your anger is righteous. Now put that rage to use and make banana bread to get back at your boss. You have a few options for how to do so.

OPTION 1: Get rid of your boss in one fell swoop. Make banana bread for the entire office, but poison one special loaf for your boss. This is perhaps the riskiest plan, and you might end up going to jail for it, but at least you’ll stop getting 4 a.m. phone calls (or if you do, they’ll only be from your attorney). You can probably be creative, though. Send the banana bread as part of a gift basket supposedly from a client. Frame someone? We don’t know. We leave that stuff up to you. Watch The Talented Mr. Ripley and get some ideas. You’ll also have to figure out how to get the poison on your own. We hear arsenic is the most popular, but despite Miranda’s constant begging, Gabi refused to write a recipe for poison. (If you have a good one, please find a way to contact Miranda. She swears she won’t use it. She just thinks it’s cool to know how to make poison.)

OPTION 2: More of a long con, but less likely to end with your incarceration. As previously stated, banana bread is very easy to make. This means you can make it every night, or in bulk. Bring it in to work every morning for breakfast. The office folk will get used to it and start to love you for it. Not to mention, your office crush will begin to see you in a new baking light. Your boss might even be jealous of all your new work friends and the camaraderie. (Lack of work friends may be the source of their anger. Everyone has something. Maybe you’ll get lucky and hit a nerve.)

Now, let us get to the meat of the plan: Always bring in a special personal loaf for your calorie-counting, weight-obsessed boss. This works only if yours is the kind of boss whose entire personality is based on order and sliced turkey. Hopefully the boss will eat the banana bread every morning. It will just be sitting there taunting them and they will gain weight. If the weight isn’t coming on fast enough, or if the loaf isn’t being finished every day (which will be hard, because it will be so tasty), you can take further measures. Instead of getting all Mr. Ripley, get all Mean Girls. Don’t add poison, but remember Kälteen bars? Lindsay Lohan gave them to Rachel McAdams in a ploy to get rid of her “hot bod,” and therefore her power. Take a page from Lohan’s book and add some weight-gain powder to your banana bread. You can get it at your local body-building supply store. Before you know it, this control freak boss of yours will be confused and scared. They will be stripped of the armor that came only from their tight bod. They’ll have no choice but to be nicer, as it will seem their empire has fallen. Either that, or they’ll just be kind of annoyed for a few weeks! You may feel guilty about causing this weight gain. Don’t! At least you didn’t commit murder.

OPTION 3: After fattening your boss up, cook her in a stew. (Again, there is no recipe for this because Gabi is “against cooking people.” And also, this makes you a cannibal, but at least, like, a fun young one!) It should be fun.

OPTION 4: Get caught. Get fired. Or just be bad at your job and get fired. Collect severance package. Figure out what’s next. Examine your life, etc.

OPTION 5: Quit, after an amazing speech. Not Ripley, not Mean Girls, but Jerry Maguire. Go home and get unemployment. Banana bread is cheap and you can subsist on it for a while.

OPTION 6: Stick it out, and make yourself a treat when you get home. (This is the lamest option, in our opinions.)

SERVES 6 TO 8

INGREDIENTS

2–3 very ripe bananas, peeled

⅓ cup melted butter or coconut, canola, or other vegetable oil

1 teaspoon baking soda

Pinch of salt

⅔ cup brown sugar

1 egg, lightly beaten

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1½ cups all-purpose flour

½ cup dark or semisweet chocolate chips (optional)

⅓ cup toasted pecans or walnuts (optional)

DIRECTIONS

• Preheat the oven to 350°F and grease a 4 × 8-inch loaf pan.

• In a mixing bowl, mash the bananas with a fork until smooth.

• Stir the melted butter or oil into the mashed bananas.

• Mix in the baking soda and salt. Stir in the brown sugar, egg, and vanilla extract.

• Stir in the flour.

• Stir in the chocolate chips and nuts, if using.

• Pour the batter into your prepared loaf pan.

• Bake for 50 to 55 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean.

• Remove from oven and let cool completely.

• Remove the banana bread from the pan. Slice and serve.