MERCURY IS IN RETROGRADE MANGO SMOOTHIE

MPB

Perhaps not all of you are familiar with the idea of Mercury being in retrograde. Let me explain: Mercury is the planet situated closest to the sun. This means its orbit is much shorter than Earth’s. About three or four times a year, Mercury speeds past Earth, appearing to move backward in its orbit, and we, as a unified human planet, experience the effects of Mercury being in retrograde.

Apparently Mercury is in control of communication and, like, clear thinking and truth and travel and painting and spin class and everything, so when Mercury goes backward, all those things do too. If you already have trouble thinking clearly, you go berserk. If you’re a hot mess, you become basically a hot stinking load of garbage.

I didn’t learn about Mercury being in retrograde until I moved to Los Angeles, and obviously I identified it as complete bullshit. I don’t believe in astrology. I will roll my eyes at you if you bring it up at a dinner party. Does this make me unfeminine? Does this make me a skeptic? I can live with that. Because I think astrology is dumb. But I have since changed my mind on one specific thing. I am now a young woman who believes in the terrible effects of Mercury being in retrograde. And this is something I have to live with.

Do I mostly like having a new thing to blame all my problems on? Of course! There is no greater joy for me than crying in my car, listening to Belinda Carlisle, only to realize that Mercury is in retrograde and maybe I also have my period. That destructive behavior wasn’t me! It was my hormones! And the planet! And everything my parents did to me growing up! I AM PERFECT. I DID NOTHING WRONG. I AM JUST IN RETROGRADE.

They say that when Mercury is in retrograde, you shouldn’t start any new projects or relationships. They say you shouldn’t even leave your house, but there’s a difference between accepting astrology and being insane. I prefer to start at least sixteen new crafts projects, plan one exotic vacation, and enter into ten new romantic relationships all at once, but you can make your own decisions.

However you spend your retrograde, you can enjoy this mango smoothie. It’s light and fresh and it can pull you out of the slump as much as the universe will allow. The blender does most of the work for you, since during retrograde, you are basically an invalid. Don’t drink it near your computer, or a diamond tiara, or your passport. You will spill it. You can add a shot of vodka if retrograde is really killing ya. (I did not consult Gabi on this. I’m sure it’s fine.)

Once Mercury is out of retrograde, you have to resume your normal patterns of behavior. You can no longer skip work to catch up on every episode ever of RuPaul’s Drag Race and then claim the universe made you do it.

You can drink this smoothie whenever you want, though.

SERVES 2

INGREDIENTS

2 cups frozen cubed mango (or 2 fresh mangoes, peeled, pitted, and cubed)

1 cup yogurt (Greek or regular, any fat percentage; nondairy yogurt works, too)

1¼ cups milk (any fat percentage, or nondairy)

3–4 fresh mint leaves

DIRECTIONS

• Place all ingredients in a blender and blend for at least 30 seconds, or until smooth.

• If the smoothie is too thick, add a little more milk to thin it out.

• Divide between 2 glasses and serve immediately.