ABANDONMENT ISSUES APPLE PIE

MPB

Have you ever had a dream where you’re in bed with someone, and they’re spooning you, and then slowly they roll away from you until they completely let go, and then they’re out of bed and putting on their pants and running away as fast as they can? Then you wake up (in the dream), and they’re gone. And it’s much more intense than if this were to happen in real life. (In real life, I don’t need the spooning; I need to sleep.) But because this is a dream, it shows your true fear that this person is certainly, without a doubt, going to leave you?

Then you wake up (in real life), in a panic, positive that not only is this new lover going to leave you, but the mutual friend who set you two up will cease to be part of your life as well. Any humans you met while you two were together will also forget you exist. If for some reason they do remember your face, they won’t even want to know you without your former partner. If they see you on the street, they will run in the opposite direction screaming. They will think you are a ghost, because to them, you have died. They will question everything because they thought they were the kind of person who didn’t believe in ghosts.

You look at your phone and realize no one has texted you for an hour. You text thirty-five people. No one responds. Not even your parents are picking up their phones right now. You are completely alone.

This is my tipping point. When my hysteria is so cantankerous that I can only share it with my parents, and they don’t pick up, that’s when I know it’s over. This is the apocalypse. That End of Days thing is real, maybe not for everyone, but for me.

How do you battle existential anxiety? You think wholesome thoughts. What is the most wholesome thing in the world you can think of? Apple pie. (Don’t think of it in the gross American Pie way. Think of it in the Thanksgiving way.)

Get out of bed. Wash your face. Put clothes on. Call the friend who you know will be free, even though they’re the friend you least like hanging out with, the friend who’s even more desperate than you, who you talk shit about constantly but actually love. Tell them you are making an apple pie and watching your favorite movie. Tell them to be at your house in two hours.

When you are at the grocery store, strike up a conversation with a family. Smile at them. Feel warm feelings.

Go home. Start baking. I guarantee someone will have texted you back by this point. At the very least, you’ll get a notification about your data usage, which will show that your service provider cares. Hopefully, you’ll get a message from the lover in your dream, but if you don’t, fear not! The pie is about to be done. Your friend is coming over, and you are going to enjoy it together and realize you are okay.

Watch a movie. Take a breath. You’re not alone. At least, you know Gabi and Miranda are here with you.

Whoa, this got real sweet real fast. Love you? No, no, it’s too soon for that. Be chill.

I’ll just give you a classic xoxoxoxox.

SERVES 8

INGREDIENTS

For the crust

2 cups all-purpose flour, plus more for rolling

2 sticks unsalted butter (1 cup), chilled, cut into cubes

1 large pinch salt

3–4 tablespoons ice water

NOTE: We love to make piecrust from scratch, but you should feel free to use a store-bought crust if you prefer.

For the filling

3 pounds baking apples, like Golden Delicious, Cortland, or Fuji, cut into eighths

2 tablespoons freshly squeezed lemon juice

⅔ cup sugar, plus more for sprinkling on the pie

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

4 tablespoons unsalted butter

To assemble and serve

1 large egg, lightly beaten

Vanilla ice cream or whipped cream (optional)

DIRECTIONS

Make the crust

• Put the flour, butter, and salt in the bowl of a food processor (or in a mixing bowl).

• Pulse until the mixture looks like coarse sand. If you’re working by hand, use a pinching motion or two forks to incorporate the butter into the flour until there are no large lumps.

• Slowly pour in the ice water with the food processor running, 1 tablespoon at a time, just until the mixture comes together. For me, this usually means 3 to 4 tablespoons. Again, if you’re doing this by hand, work in the water 1 tablespoon at a time until the mixture starts to stick together.

• Dump the dough onto a floured surface. With floured hands, pat it into a circle about 6 inches in diameter.

• Wrap the dough tightly in plastic wrap and refrigerate for at least 1 hour. (You may keep it frozen for up to 2 months. When you’re ready to use it, defrost it in the fridge over-night.)

• After it has chilled, roll the dough out on a lightly floured surface. Roll into a disk approximately 11 to 12 inches across. Layer the dough between two pieces of parchment paper and refrigerate for at least 10 more minutes.

Make the filling

• Place the apple slices and the lemon juice in a medium bowl. Add the sugar and cinnamon and toss to combine completely.

• Melt the butter in a large frying pan over medium-high heat.

• Add the apples and cook, stirring frequently, until the sugar dissolves and the mixture begins to simmer, about 2 minutes.

• Cover the pan, reduce the heat to medium, and let cook until the apples soften and release most of their juices, about 10 minutes.

• Remove from heat and set aside.

Assemble the pie

• Preheat the oven to 375°F.

• Grease a 9-inch pie pan.

• Line the bottom of the pan with the dough. Trim the edges so they lie about ½ inch beyond the lip of the pan. Crimp as desired. (We usually do this with our fingers, but you could use a fork.)

• Put the apple filling in the crust, mounding it slightly in the center.

• Brush the exposed edges of the dough with the beaten egg.

• Refrigerate the uncooked pie for 15 minutes. (This helps ensure the crust will be as flaky as possible.)

• Place the pie plate on a rimmed baking sheet and bake for 35 to 40 minutes, or until the crust is golden brown.

• Let cool in the pan for at least 15 minutes before serving. Top with ice cream or whipped cream if desired.